Directionless Wandering @directionless-wandering - Tumblr Blog

youth is a social contruct

or rather the glorification of it is. no one is having a good amazing time ever. life is an endless train plowing through bullshit at every age from 5 to 95 there is no magical point where shit gets more or less fun things just change and you change. there will always be happy times and shit times but there will never be wasted time because no matter how old you are you have the capacity to have happy moments and fulfilling experiences. youth is just a time to be naive and make stupid shitty decisions you can laugh at later. dont regret not being able to experience going to music festivals when you were 17, go to music festivals now. theres nothing actually special about being young. if you arent dead youve got time.

unclemurdoc

“ if you arent dead youve got time. ”

Me pre-covid: average normal adult doing average normal adult things

Me after covid hit and I got furloughed: *cracks knuckles* time to learn about k-pop

thebootydiaries

me: wakes up

me: ahh what a lovely day

me literally ten minutes later: i have no future and will never be able to pursue my dreams

Time for nothing

Here I am, furloughed from my job. Isolated in my home until who knows when, two years? You’d think it would be a gift, a reprieve, but no. All I have are the kids and my thoughts.

All I can think about is all of the wrong decisions I’ve made, all the wasted time. How many years am I going to waste in limbo? I used to think I would have a good meaningful career, but the older I get, the more I realize that won’t happen, no ladder to climb, no list to make, no one to gain respect from.

I’m a loser, it’s so apparent. I am so mentally weak it’s disgusting. I am a piece of shit. All I do is get angry and resentful at everyone and everything. I should celebrate wins, lift people up, all I can focus on is how I’m falling farther behind. My kids are young and learning and impressionable. I try, but constantly find myself getting angry and frustrated. It’s not their fault, their father just sucks. He just messed up again and again. Now he’s just another dead beat.

I know deep inside this isn’t actually who I am. I know I have empathy, I know I’m passionate. I have so much to offer, anyone, anything. But I never know what to do. Friends say I need to find that extra gear, but what’s an extra gear If my wheels just spin? So many people are doing all these great things, I feel it’s possible for me, it what? What do I do? I just wish I had the answers. I wish there was a guide. I feel so lost. Sometimes I just want to give up. Two years on lockdown, another two years of this? I can’t. I have to stop, I need to change. Help.

I get it, I’m a failure and a fucking loser. No need to constantly remind me.

Allowing myself to grieve.

I have barely had any time to think yet deal with the range of emotions this diagnosis has brought. He isn’t dead but I feel like he might as well be? What quality of life will he have? What is even possible? Our lives are basically over now or at least severely limited. I made too many mistakes. What point do I have in sticky around? I’ll only be angry, resentful; dead inside, hollow. So many possibilities; now done. It’s over. Before it even began. All because of one choice.

Nothing like your son waking up for the day at 3:30a to remind you how over your life is. Maybe reincarnation is a thing so I can just punt and try again.

j0shanderson

I feel so fucking dumb y’all

directionless-wandering

Yup, the C for Columbus wrapped around a star because Columbus is the state capital and of course the flag is the state flag.

*sees an introspective post from a girl who just turn 30 about how great her life is and how fulfilling her 20s were*

Me: oh fuck you, what’s that like? Guess I’ll die since I won’t ever amount to anything

No one:

Person who grew up poor: I grew up poor

collectorandco

postage stamp / japan

todayintokyo

The song depicted on the stamp is “Hana” by Rentarō Taki.

Another one of those depressed rambling posts.

It always starts with a simple thought or some sort of trigger.

Today I saw a post about someone ripping people who are married and living in the suburbs living a vanilla life and it lead me to think about what’s going on right now. I miss going downtown into the city. Going to restaurants going to shows, doing things that are different or fun or interesting.

There hasn’t really been a lot of time for anything recently and I’m starting to think this is just the way it’s going to be from here on out. With a son who has autism and then two other little ones it leaves little time or money for anything else. So it’s just I work and then I go home and I sit in a house that’s a wreck because there’s never any time to clean or organize or fix anything because the kids will mess it up anyways.

Then I start thinking about purpose and it’s all “well you’re kids are your life now” and I suppose that’s true but what about me? What if I still had things to fulfill in my own life still. I always struggled to try to find purpose in my life and drive to do anything and maybe it’s just because I’m not very smart but I just can’t help feeling like my life is over now and I’m basically stuck and next thing I know I’ll be in my 60s wondering what could’ve been and like I made the wrong choice.

I just wish I could snap out of this, but maybe I’m right. Barely made it to 35 before everything went to shit. It was a good run I guess, we’ll except not really because I never really did a lot and took basically no risks so I shouldn’t be surprised how this ended. Fuck. Things could’ve been so much better. I’m such a selfish prick.