direction of stories @directionofstories - Tumblr Blog

gravity-rainbow-deactivated2024

Black square (“and so on to infinity…” inscribed in Latin around its edges) representing the nothingness that was prior to the universe, as pictured by the great occult philosopher Robert Fludd, who himself passed into infinity Sept 8 in 1637.

orwell

Red Poppies, Kiyoshi Saito, 1948

makkleyn

h-o-r-n-g-r-y

“Suddenly I wonder, ‘Where is the girl that I was last year? Two years go? What would she think of me now?’”

— Sylvia Plath

Here's a hearty congratuations to every dude that could tell I was insane from the start, and didn't waste any of their emotional energy on me.

I envy and admire you. 🧡

It truly feels like I’m approaching the end of my time

Well fuck,

This quarantine thing is forcing me back into my brain.

I’m too young to feel this old. Like, to the point of no redemption, you reached your peak years ago kind of old. And for feeling this old, I can’t understand why I’m so insecure about my general fucking existence still.

The older I get, the lonelier I get.

It feels like I invested so much of myself into building relationships and now everyone is gone.

It’s not even that I hate being lonely. It’s that I’ve turned out to be something worthless. It’s killing me.

directionofstories

It has been one year, 1 month and 10 days since it ended. I still find myself overcome with the memories of what will never exist again; as if I am mourning the physical death of a loved one.

I keep remembering his laugh and how it was so joyful and genuine; like you knew when he laughed just how much he is sincerely enjoying the moment.

We had a lot of those together. He is probably having more now. But I find myself romantically marginalized, with all the time that has passed and the fact that no one has yet to make me smile and feel warm the way he did.

What sucks about it the most is that I have tried to develop my life into one that is better off without him. I find that for the most part, I am living my life to it’s fullest potential. And I am happy. But it could be for a random moment, or an entire evening, I recall that I do not have him, and everything he was to me has created a gap that I can’t figure out the shape of.

And I am completely certain that there is no exact replacement. And this reminds me that for whatever the future holds, I either need to somehow find myself completely swept off my feet, in a way that I cannot even begin to imagine even exists, or just simply settle.

I would much rather have never met him, rather than realize that a gap like this could exist.

directionofstories

It has now been 2 years, 3 months and 15 days since it ended.

I feel the same way, just with more acceptance. I am much sadder, but it has nothing to do with this.

But, I feel a little more hope than I did before. I’m not sure; I honestly think it’s just because I’ve had such a tough year and I’m grateful to not be in as much pain than I was feeling a couple months ago.

I am so thankful to say goodbye to this year. I’ve never liked goodbyes and I normally just pretend that I don’t give a shit if things leave. But I’m so excited to be done with this year; it’s a reminder that I have more time to get my shit in order

#personal

Alone