madison

a crutch is a crutch

[dirtypout]

2019...so far

I feel like I've lived so much life already this year. I've really started to take advantage of this youth that I have and it's freeing. I've never had this much mental strength in my entire life. My body goals are slowly coming into my reach. My GPA is going up. Everything feels like it's falling into place.

My drug habits have started to increase again. I'm not sure if it's because I know I'm more responsible now or if I need to actually take a step back.

Thiel and I tried shrooms the other day and that was an experience in itself. So much unreleased grief and nostalgia I haven't channeled in years...I kept wishing I could go back to places I haven't been since my youth. Places that don't even exist anymore. It also made me realize a bit about love and accepting circumstances as they come.

[dirtypout]

I’m feeling so much guilt today. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

[dirtypout]

1:41

school keeps upsetting me so much.

no matter how much work and time i put into it, it never works out in the end. i’m literally starting to question my own intelligence.

i’m not sure how much i can take.

[dirtypout]

11/2/18

it’s almost been a year.

i know you’re here with me somehow but i wish you were actually present. these first holidays without you always break my heart.

i just want to talk to you.

[dirtypout]

10/21/18

I don’t really feel sad or anxious right now but I do feel strangely alone. I’m just sitting in my car trying to muster the courage to walk up to my apartment, mostly because it’s 2 am and I’m going home alone again and that scares me a little bit. I wish Thiel was home already.

I wish I would actually talk to someone when I have these feelings. It’s kind of difficult when you feel like a burden to everyone or when you know they wouldn’t reply anyway. I don’t want to have people cradling me all the time. But at the same time I feel like I try to be so independent that I end up dependent and worn completely down because of it. I just don’t want others to worry when they have nothing they really need to be worried about. I also don’t want them thinking that they’re the cause; for instance, if they’re not giving me enough attention or assurance.

I don’t know. I’m still buzzing a bit from adderall and I’ll probably just stay up until I can run my errands for the day.

[dirtypout]

It still hurts sometimes because I never would have done that to you.

[dirtypout]

i love being loved by you

[dirtypout]

what I never knew about grief is how persistent it is.

you could be driving down the road and having the most blissful day but a single memory puts you right back to where you were before.

[dirtypout]

I can feel myself working harder at life and for that I’m proud. I’m actually studying more and making sure I get my cardio in for once and trying to be social and tracking my food and making time for my family. I see that and I’m proud.

But why am I feeling so worthless still? I don’t know.

I don’t go to very many people for things. I’m not really sure what I need right now but sometimes I feel like I’m missing something deep in my soul and I can’t shake that feeling. It must be bothersome, always looking for assurance, right? I can’t keep looking for bits of myself in others knowing at the end of the day, I have to fix me. I have to be the one that pulls me out of the dark.

I can’t stop thinking that I’m not good enough for anything in my life, so I keep trying to push myself to do things that will be good for me in the long run. I wonder if becoming the person I always wanted to be will make me happier. I wonder if I’ll actually wake up every day excited to be who I am and be passionate about life and everything it holds. I haven’t had one of those days in a while.

I wish that this sadness would stop. I wish I could feel worth it for everyone I love. I wish that I could figure me out and figure out how to get over this. I wish I was more confident. I wish I could be a better human to the people I love.

Until then I will keep on moving forward and keep on doing things that will make me better. Maybe if I perpetuate the good, I’ll keep on feeling accomplished... and hopefully things won’t always seem so daunting.

[dirtypout]

I am tired of not feeling like I’m enough.

today I took the first step and deleted instagram off my phone. while this may seem trivial, it’s caused me a lot of grief where my self esteem is concerned. i don’t want to always compare my body to people i couldn’t even compete with. i need a healthier mindset and i hope removing myself from that will help me.

fingers crossed.

[dirtypout]

Being depressed hurts so much because you’re literally at the mercy of your own brain every single day. It feels like it doesn’t matter how many good days I have or how many moments I enjoy or how many steps in the right direction I take. It’s like I always end up in the same place. I wish I didn’t always feel like I am burdening those who I care about the most.

I just want mental stability.

[dirtypout]

I don’t even feel like myself right now. why am I so fucking sad.

[dirtypout]

self love is so tricky. you can feel so good about yourself for so long but it’s so easy to slip back into old habits. it’s too easy to recognize all your wrongs and critique every single detail about yourself. how do you stop being self destructive?

[dirtypout]

your love is the most beautiful place i know.

[dirtypout]

I used to talk to you and tell you I loved you all the time. As much as we were not going to be ready for you, I still wish I could take it back sometimes.

[dirtypout]

it’s all because of you that i believe in love.

if something as good as you could exist, no matter the circumstances, love is worth having and believing in.

i love you — every single detail of you.

[dirtypout]

april 14

it feels like it’s been a lifetime without you and in some ways, it has been.

they keep saying that you’re in a better place, a beautiful place even, yet i’m still selfishly wondering what could be more beautiful than being here with all of us.

the last time i saw you, you couldn’t get up to face me because of how weak your body was becoming. you weren’t even sure who i was until i reminded you of my name. you were still someone i loved fiercely but you weren’t the same someone who i had known before.

one night when my heart was hurting and i just needed to be with someone that loved me, i went where the rest of you remains. i’m not sure if you heard me crying to you that night but i still felt your love. i still felt like someone was praying for me and that someone was looking over me, like you always have. even when life gets so difficult and i feel like everything is impossible, i remember everything you ever sacrificed for me. knowing this helps push me forward and keeps me feeling balanced. it keeps me sane.

i miss you so much.