vent blog

25+ / autistic / mentally ill / physically disabled / idk if im lsn or msn

[disabledautisticgreen]

This is a side blog where I talk about autism stuff. Mostly venting. But i want to start branching out. Sorry.

if you know my main blog then uhhh oops please don't share it

green is my favorite color, call me green on this blog (he/him)

if you know my main blog and you notice my typing is different here from there, i don't put as much concentration/effort into my typing over here

if you follow me i may not follow back from my main blog. i post lots of social justice and also stuff about horror games and sometimes topics people may not want to see (like swearing)

i try my best not to swear here because i know some people who might see in passing won't like it and will get upset by it

I'm fine with sharing the issues I have/suspect because it gives context to my struggles + privileges i think

i'm mentally ill (i have ocd and some trauma disorders, might be a traumagenic system)

i have chronic illnesses (hypermobile eds, suspected chronic fatigue, suspected dysautonomia [idk what type it would be, not a doctor])

mental/neuro things that idk which are which: suspected visual snow syndrome? as well as suspected non-24 circadian rhythm, professionally dxed autism (wasn't given a level) and adhd and professionally suspected auditory processing disorder

learning disabilities: suspected dyspraxia (mild) and suspected dyslexia

Anyways thanks for reading, I might add more later

[disabledautisticgreen]

how can one person even help others like this... i keep having anxiety issues, feeling doom and despair over the state of things. people online say to step up, and i dont think i can. i dont leave my house often, too tiring, i dont know many people here outside of my housemates... transportation is unreliable...

the world is terrible a d im doing nothing, how can i ever say i want to be a good person...? i feel like a bad person. i feel guilty. i dont know how to do any organizing or helping. i cant really do phone calls, and im not the fun kind of disabled, im the standoffish and weird kind? im the kind that doesnt shower and is too quiet, i wouldnt be liked,

and it feels bad, i feel like what i do (donate sometimes) it isnt enough. people are getting hurt and thats all i can do...? i feel like, im using my disabilities as an excuse. especially because im not even on ssi, havent started trying... and my housemates, my partner and his partner are only really interested in talking about things or emailing politicians to get them to stop... but... why isnt anyone doing anything...! i feel terrible

it feels like... im the only one who cares so much... and it makes me so anxious... i dont know if its my ocd lying to me... i just want to help, but direct action, i dont think i can? i dont know. there are people my age or younger who are doing more, and my age or older who have been doing more for a long time...

i dont even have a way to get through paperwork without melting down, what good would i be on any kind of ground work? but also, i feel like im just making excuses... what if this is all learned helplessness... or weaponized incompetence... i dont know what to believe... im scared of fascism and i want to help...

[filenesdebasement]

no disabled person should have their parents be their only choice for support/caregivers. it’s not a privilege to be stuck with them and you don’t have to be grateful.

[disabledautisticgreen]

i dont want to be alive

i should have just killed myself at my dsds house

nobody cares here

he doesnt want to deal with my meltdowns so he just leaves and says hes scared

even when i say how he can help its not consistent because im not consistent and so hes decided to never involve himself when i need help because the inconsistency scares him

all i did was cry and hit my head

i need help but im never ever ever going to get it

i want to die. i want to kill myself

[disabledautisticgreen]

he walked out of our room without even checking on me and itcmade me cry more. and then i had an asthma attack and he just... stared at me... and then got me water...

and then nothing

why does he hate me... what did i do to deserve this...

[disabledautisticgreen]

i dont want to be alive

i should have just killed myself at my dsds house

nobody cares here

he doesnt want to deal with my meltdowns so he just leaves and says hes scared

even when i say how he can help its not consistent because im not consistent and so hes decided to never involve himself when i need help because the inconsistency scares him

all i did was cry and hit my head

i need help but im never ever ever going to get it

i want to die. i want to kill myself

[disabledautisticgreen]

sorry for this being rambly, these are just thoughts

i keep thinking about how people say "things would have been better if i was diagnosed as a kid" (and similar stuff) and. actually. if i was diagnosed as a younger kid (i was diagnosed at 17). i still would have gotten 0 supports. i was medically neglected by my mom for a lot of my childhood. (also emotionally and physically neglected, plus other things.)

being diagnosed early wouldnt have made my mom nicer to me, or wouldnt have made her try to (and successfully for some things) get rid of comfort items, wouldnt have made her teach me to clean my room or help me because i didnt know how, wouldnt have made her be more proactive about my hygiene or my speaking issues. it wouldnt have made her push to get better help for me in school when i stopped being able to keep up. she would have always been a bad and neglectful mom who saw me as a weird kid

every step i was disabled (physically and mentally) and my mom always ignored it or tried to get a doctor to say it was nothing. (i remember her saying my first pediatrician was a "quack" and... when i went back to the pediatrician at 17 she urged my dad and stepmom to get an autism assessment... and the pediatrician my mom switched me to, he wrote off my chronic pain as "growing pains" and "just exercise and it will get rid of the asthma")

gee... i wonder why the doctor who seemed to care more was seen as a quack doctor by my mom... could it have been that she suggested autism as a toddler and my mom said no thats not true goodbye? probably... but thats more proof that my mom wouldnt have treated me better if i _had_ been diagnosed

why then... would i ever expect my mom to act different if i had labels. when i moved back in with her as an adult she treated me the same. worse in some ways because now i was an adult, and she wasnt "obligated to take care of me past 18," (something she was angry at me about _and said to my face while knowing i was disabled_) and she was also mad i "refused to work"

diagnosis isnt _100% bad_ it helps people. people with high needs need a diagnosis so they can get assistance (like care people and mobility aids and things) with insurance paying for it (usually i think). and because i was diagnosed before 22 ill hopefully be able to try to get benefits if those dont get cut (over 25 and still havent managed to because i have had very little help, i need guidance with paperwork but everyone in my life is too busy to help. paperwork gives me meltdowns) but that doesnt mean having a label is always good... idk theres nuance

sorry for it being really rambly but im just wanting to share my experience (keep in mind im white and i dont think my disabilities are visible, and i live in the us, so my experience isnt universal)

[disabledautisticgreen]

oh btw. i made soup yesterday, and could go at my own pace without being rushed (kind of). it was really good! im proud of myself. especially because i love soup, and i like cooking. i just usually dont have the energy to

[ id: an image of a bowl of soup sitting on a black desk. the bowl for the soup is black. the soup is a miso soup and the broth is tan. there are jalapeños, carrots, spinach, and onions in the soup. there are light green noodles in the soup. there is a spoon in the bowl of soup. end id ]

[disabledautisticgreen]

is this semiverbal or demiverbal or situational mutism?

i struggle to talk when its with people i dont know. phone calls are hard for me and upsetting, because i struggle to make words and i cant force them out unless someone is there to help me. but they have to be forced, and the words are small.

i also forget what to say or how to even talk when around people im not close to or dont know.

i can talk a lot, loudly, about stuff i like when im with people i trust. but i still pause a lot and people move on, and i am also quiet before i get loud. sometimes i just dont have the energy to use my mouth and voice, and i frequently forget words in general. and my thoughts arent always in words, a lot of the time theyre feelings or concepts that i cant figure out how to put words into it. so i pause and go uh, a lot.

but the talking a lot happens as much as the struggling, and even if its a thing i like i will get overwhelmed by all of the information in my head and so i cant talk about the stuff i like frequently. or i cant do it in big tirades, i have to do it in short bursts that are usually disjointed i think.

i keep struggling to figure out what it is, i know i get verbal shutdowns when i get really upset or overwhelmed, but i cant really figure out if all of this is shutdown related, or if its something different. by the way, the pausing happens with typing and writing too. sometimes i end up pausing a lot or just not responding because it just, doesnt connect in my head.

i think theres more stuff but im struggling to remember it because i have memory issues already. also im not putting this in any verbality tags because i dont want to disturb people who are rightfully that level of verbal...

[disabledautisticgreen]

hey is racism one of your obsessions? also white and ocd. if it is, how u cope with it? i'm really afraid all the time to hurt my loved ones who are black people, and they're the majority of my loved ones. and how do u identify whats racism from whats an intrusive thought?

im not really the best person to answer this i think. i dont really know when to tell the difference. especially because internalized biases also affect your mental illnesses

my moral scrupulosity means ill be obsessing over a belief i realized was wrong—or one that people who are way too chronically online will say—and how could i not have known and now i need to do so much more than the average human can in order to atone or be a good person, because it means im worse than turbo-satan if i dont.

i try not to seek validation that im not the worst person on the planet but its hard because ocd can be the I Have To Yap All My Sins disorder. it also doesnt help that sometimes i need to seek reassurance that im not bad, or that the person who im believing the words of is/isnt chronically online (and i do mean in the "this problem is literally only talked about by the most niche "leftists" who arent actually leftists but moral purists" chronically online people, not just online leftists, like the kinds of people who decide that all queer people need to disappear off the internet because of elon musk and google, and abandon all of the other queer people who stay online, type chronically online)

if it were me i would be obsessing over if my mere presence is harmful to my black and people of color loved ones. but in your case im not sure. im also not a licensed mental health professional or anything... ao it would be better to ask one if you can. ik you arent supposed to pay much mind to your obsessions and youre supposed to accept the thought and let it go, like "okay if im a bad person, thats fine, i guess that is ok" but i dont know how that works in practice

[murielsbottombitch]

why is it so hard for able bodied people to believe that doctors are sometimes just incompetent? you realize doctors are people, right? people that can be bad at their job. that happens sometimes. they don't know everything because there's a piece of paper on their wall that says they're smart, actually. they can sometimes be wrong, actually. they can sometimes cut corners and take the easy way out, actually. they can sometimes hate their job and make that their patients problem, actually. doctors aren't all saints who do everything right the first time. please stop invalidating disabled people when they complain about their terrible treatment at the hands of medical professionals. please stop putting the feelings of doctors over the lives of their patients.

[crimeronan]

one of my mom's favorite quotes is, "50 percent of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class."

you can (and should) quibble about how much academic performance translates to actual competency & care in the medical field.... BUT. that quote has served me Countless Times when trying to explain medical malpractice to able-bodied people. which as OP says is an Exhausting endeavor bc people can be so defensive/sensitive/etc.

it's a lighthearted enough quote that people don't feel attacked, and it makes them stop and think for a second, and then they laugh and go, ".....oh my god!! that's actually true!!"

[bebsi-cola]

for autism acceptance month i think it's important that we understand that autism acceptance can't be based on the lowest common denominator. which means we can't simplify autism to only the broad aspects that appeal to the largest group of people (ableds). it was wrong of people to act like autism was a horrible disease that "stole your child" from you. it's also wrong to act like common symptoms of classical autism are only stereotypes that have to be shut down. there's going to be lots of different ways that people with autism behave, how their symptoms manifest, what they struggle with. instead of acting like there's some one true presentation of autism, acknowledge how varied it is. how many aspects of someone's life it can affect. how they're different severities and different presentations. include autistic people who are like you and autistic people who are not like you

[disabledautisticgreen]

im ok. living with my partner and his friends since january.

things are still difficult. but at least my dad isnt around

[spectrumgarden]

I dont think I've talked about this before, or more than in a single sentence tag... and we (disabled community) had the conversation earlier this year, and before and before and before. That disability spaces need to be open to caregivers, obviously, if someone needs them for it to be an accessible space. I get the focus on disability spaces since obviously, being disabled and being excluded, not even by physical barriers or something, from disability spaces, by rules that could be changed in a second to allow your carer(s) in, is fucking heartbreaking and stuff.

But also we need this energy for all spaces please. I remember being like 17, and my supportive mother found a local queer group online that she had reached out to to help her with resources for my medical transition. They invited us over to talk irl, it was alright (it was before my AAC so I didnt communicate beyond head shake / nod, barely) and then they offered me to join their trans group for support emotional. When my mother explained that I dont do things alone (autism), that I cant, that its dangerous for me, they told her she as my carer couldnt be there because shes cis. They would rather fully exclude me, then allow my carer to join.

Its genuinely time people see carers as purely extensions of the disabled person in many areas & situations. They allow us access. Without them, there is no us. She would not be there to speak as a cis person, perhaps speak at all aside from voice my needs, ... but still. Rules are rules, think about the others.

Well, no one thought about 17 year old disabled me who did not leave the house alone. Who had zero queer community in real life. It could have been worked out. Trialed. Explained. Worked through. But No.

And dont let me get into covid restrictions that limited some spaces to one person x the professional / etc, where people had to break laws to allow me access or turn me and my carer away.

[sparklefartstheunicorn]

Let me introduce you to AECcorner.

These folks share all sorts of useful tips and products. Just a quick scroll showed me how to solve several of my issues with grip strength and opening packaging, A device to help me get out of a vehicle without popping my hip out of socket, and this..

Which is a convertible wedge support system for joint support. I've seen a lot of EDSers use the zero gravity lounger, but I can never get it to support my neck enough. (Tagging @thebibliosphere because I seem to recall you mentioning similar issues.)

They designed their own knee pillow for side sleepers that I think I'm going to try.

They review tons of products and even the accessability of hotels. Seriously great resource. You can find their tiktok account here, their YouTube here,

Linktree is here which includes more resources.

[cure-icy-writes]

having an undiagnosed illness is like the check engine light being on all the time in your car, but when you take it to the mechanic, they announce happily that all the tests came back fine! and you just stare at the check engine light with dread.

[disabledautisticgreen]

Living with my dad is a nightmare

I get told i can do anything i just have to "push through it" becausecim smart

My meltdowns still happen. But my dad calls it adrenaline rage when its me being overwhelmed and confused and unable to talk right

I havent showered since the second week i was here which was 2 weeks ago

Im gross. And slmelly because. Its a farm

I get compared to the child me that my dad remembers and my dad tells me he just doesnt get how i ended up how i am when i was such a friendly kid

Well i mean. Both your ex wife and your late wife helped make that happen so you should understand

Im not disabled to him despite how much he sees me struggle (but he also ignores me struggling too)

I cant do this. I dont want to be alive

[homunculus-argument]

Apparently people who don't have executive dysfunction think that actually working on something is the hardest part of doing something. And that's why they get mad that you call the rest of the project "easy" after you've finally worked through doing the plan and know what to do when you're working.

So when you're through with the epiphany of how to make it physically possible to make the thing you're making, and you're sharing the plan with excitement, because the hard part is over, and now you only have to get your hands moving and do it, they get mad at you like

"it's not that easy! It's a lot of hard work! >:C"

they mean it, because

to them, working is the hardest part.

They don't have to fight their brains to get started. They don't have to fight their way through making the choices, making the plan, making yourself make the thing. People who don't suffer from executive dysfunction think that the hardest part is actually doing the thing.

[jumpingjacktrash]

when you have executive dysfunction, it’s like... you’ve just clawed your way up a long steep embankment of loose gravel, and you flop exhausted into the construction site, and you’re like “oh thank fuck, time to lay some bricks, i absolutely could do this all day” and the guy who drove to the site goes “what’s wrong with you man bricklaying is hard graft!”

not as hard as crawling up the gravel mountain bro

[roach-works]

there’s also good hard and bad hard. doing the thing might be hard, but at least you’re doing it; it’s good hard. just getting to the thing in the first place is hard and it’s fucking miserable. executive dysfunction puts so many bad hard things in your way before you can get to even the good hard things.

[tygermama]

sometimes i describe it as my transmission is broken, every thing else works fine but no matter how hard I pump the gas pedal, I ain't getting anywhere because I can't