no capes

mila\18\ she/her

[discodixk]

note i wrote in like april last year

how did I know you lied?

because of how smoothly the words came out of your mouth

a river as clear as vodka and shards of glass

because of how idiotic I felt trying to justify your actions

“my ribs show. what did I eat? 

lies and smiles”

I’ve been the fool too many times

[heavensghost]

[givemearmstopraywith]

in 2009 florence welch said “leave all your love and your longing behind, you can’t carry it with you if you want to survive” and in 2018 she said “the loneliness never left me, i always took it with me, but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company” and that is growth

[discodixk]

feb. 22 - 9:59 pm

non-active patient

I got an e-mail today from my counselor, asking me if I still wanted to meet with her. I initially had two appointments set up with her in the month of January, but had cancelled them due to an expired health card. But I knew I was relieved to do so because I didn’t want to tell her the shitty things that had happened in my life. I made the decision to go off of my medication and I’m more aware of my spiraling now. It’s the same thing over and over again, I just don’t want to try anymore. I keep going back and saying the wrong things and while everyone is telling me otherwise, I know it’s wrong. When is it going to be good for me? Do I get too proud when I do well? Should I be grovelling every single day in my life because that’s how it seems to me for the past 20 years. 

If I don’t make an appointment with my counselor soon, I’d be put off the list. I can’t face anyone like this. Everything’s been a lie, the medication just creates a delusion of peace. 

I wonder why he did everything that he did. I understand that she’s definitely more for him. It’s not even about him anymore; it’s that no one looks at me the same way. 

I’m so tired, I need to be alone all the time. All I ever want is to be wanted by someone but I just don’t know anymore. It’s so hard. I’m scared and I want to die

[discodixk]

december 14th - 3:59 am

im fascinated with them. it’s probably the way i can see how both of them of hurting so clearly. i understood “please don’t promise me anything” and the way he let the opportunity of her walking out remain. i dont deserve promises and i dont deserve the feeling of belonging.

i want to believe so bad that one day someone would think of me, someone would want me to be vulnerable so they could do anything to soothe the wounds that i’ve been pouring salt on. saying “I see you” very much like being in the ICU. Intensive Care Unit. I need so much care, I need so much healing.

they’re not each others’ therapists, but instead find strength in each other’s loneliness. Mila, are you okay? Yes I am fine, it has always been this way. I’m fine so you don’t have to suffer. I’m not okay i’m not fine i want to feel my lungs burn from the inside i want to only experience life through a drunken stupor on the rooftop of my friend’s apartment.

[discodixk]

december 12th - 2:49 am

“so you hate yourself”

after a restless 2 hours of attempts at sleep, i decided to go on amazon to find the price of rope. then i searched for noose, to see what i could find. i dont know what i was expecting. results told me the stereotypical hemp rope smells like gasoline and it’s great for crafting. 

she didn’t get eyelashes to spite you, to make you feel ugly. she didnt tell you about how nice your friend’s car was to spite you, to make you feel worthless. 

i remember so vividly of how exactly to tie the hangman’s noose. i checked on wikipedia just to make sure i got it. but reading up on self hanging on reddit makes me feel like the knot they showed me is actually a slip knot. they’re trying to plot against me, but everyone lies to me at this point so why do i get surprised every time??

I feel like the main character in the bell jar when she was walking around her mother’s house with her mother’s scarf around her neck. desperately trying to find a place to hang herself from, but to no avail. i’m constantly fixated on the idea of hanging myself, though it’s such an ugly way to die? am i vain? am i a narcissist? yes,i get upset when others beautify themselves because i am in competition with them. I want to feel the feeling of constriction around my throat. I want to test it out every day. i want to die everyday

i dont want people telling me that im strong because this isn’t about how i feel that i’m weak. I dont want to die because im weak i want to die because i suffer everyday. i want to die because i dont want to hear the voices in my head anymore. i’m a piece of shit and i know i’ll disappoint people by dying but at least it’ll be the last time that i’ll disappoint them.

[todd--chavez]

[hammre]

Usually, when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “why? What’s wrong?” and I have to be like “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”

BoJack Horseman, season 5 episode 6, Free Churro

[heavensghost]

Grace - Florence and the machine

[infernos-truth]

The Crucifixion of St Julia by Hieronymus Bosch | “Big God” by Florence + the Machine

[sirgawin]

Florence + The Machine // Hunger

[heavensghost]

June - Florence + The Machine

[discodixk]

september 19th 12:07 am

flat affect

i can tell that i’m trying to trick myself into believing i’m not depressed. the scathing suffering of loneliness has been replaced by something silent. 

i think indifference is the only way my body is trying to shake off the anxiety. i’ve grown to detest social energy from my peers and been wanting to start running alone as well. not sure where this new chapter of solitaire will end

[petrorhagia]

st. jude // florence and the machine

[assuidor]

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

[coral]

some things you let go in order to live.

(via coral)

[dailyladylyrics]

THIRD EYE // FLORENCE + THE MACHINE