Life gets better, life gets worse. All at the same time. I keep moving back and forth like a swinging pendulum, exerting a force just to stay in motion. Most of the time it feels like every action I take is futile, and like Newtonās third law of motion, my attempts to increase any efforts are met with increasing resistance. Maybe this is all in my head, and the barriers I perceive are just that āā a perception. Does that make it any lessĀ ārealā? If reality is only perception, and no one can prove otherwise, why does the lack of a physical representation make a mental barrier any less tangible? Even this, now, me trying to articulate this, is futile. Iāve tried what theyāve told me to try āā fake it till you make it, believe you are ever-deserving of theĀ āgoodā things in life, taking care of your physical health & etc. Why isnāt it okay to acknowledge that, things are always relative, so I will always struggle in some aspect, to some extent? It makes no logical sense that I should āā and I do āā feel guilty, as if this is a fate Iāve resigned myself to and Iāve given up on trying to ~ change my reality with my thoughts ~. Iām genuinely tired, yet it seems as if Iāve barely begun.
Can a person truly separate from what they were conditioned to think and believe as a child? All through childhood to adolescence and even now in adulthood, it feels impossible to shake the sense that I havenāt done enough or achieved what Iām *really* capable of. At some points I used to see that as a positive trait, like a competitive advantage that drives me forward, but it caught up to me. I am so young, yet I feel so old. My eyes should be bright with optimism, but Iāve lost any sense of direction. When I look around me, I feel disillusioned. Is this part of growing older?Ā
The world just feels so overwhelming. All of it. Itās so difficult to stay alive, to support yourself, let alone thrive. Iām sick of the booming self-help and motivational productivity spirituality life guru industry. Iām sick of the constant growth economics and neoliberal capitalist system that prioritises maximising shareholder returns and reaching that million, no, billion dollar valuation, for the sake of it. When did we start to act like we āā human beings, biological organisms with desires āā were simply here to form the human capital that drives the cogs of the machines and generateĀ āvalueā, whatever the f--- that means. We delineated borders and named new countries, set up legal entities called companies and passed trade laws. What was initially meant to serve us, improve our lives and build local communities, are now richer, bigger and more powerful than some of the smallest countries combined. So many of us are born into a system we had no hand in forming or influencing, and the power to make decisions is only becoming increasingly concentrated at the top.Ā
In the end, all of the disarray and shit going on in this point in time, over the course of any lifetime, is just a blip in the universe. There could be another 100 global financial crises and 12 more countries will land on the Moon. Maybe theyāll build a village on Mars and develop a cure for HIV.Ā The world will have good leaders and bad leaders, there will be more terrorists and more reformed criminals. My life is incredibly insignificant, it only matters to me, and how any of us choose to spend our days in orbit can be as _______ as we want it to be.Ā Life gets better and life gets worse.
areudirty
jbbartram-illu
kianamaiart
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
