it never ends

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

my soulmate

is perfect

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

it’s so cruel

the  way you look at me and the way i look at you this isn’t the way i want things to be but i need you to understand the stars that i seek are not in your eyes but in another- i sigh wondering if he’ll ever adore me the way you adore me something about this doesn’t seem kosher but i can’t give it up i feel like a fool who’s running out of luck

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

dissociation under crisis

When tragedy strikes

And you can't cope

I'll step up

And be the adult

But I'm not being cold

Not even a little bit

I've just disappeared

Because my brain can't handle

Living in fear

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

why can’t you be upfront

i meet guys who say they like me but then it fades out a few days later

is something wrong with me?

they always “meet someone else” or they’re just “going through something right now”

meanwhile

the serotonin starts to drip through my brain and i wonder what will happen next

maybe it’s karma

for all the men who fell in love with me and i didn’t love them back

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

The weight on my chest makes it so hard to breathe. I can't move. I'm drowning in fear and I'm paralyzed. I sob, cry, and scream. Tears are raining down my face and pooling on my chest. I try to call myself down by taking small, deep breaths. I'm finally okay enough to move but I have to act quickly. I perk up and begin to search my things. I find it almost instantly. If I don't pop one now, it's just going to get worse. I poor a Xanax into my hand and crack it in half. If I took the whole thing, it'd be very hard for me to wake up in the morning. It's bitter and the weight on my chest is back. I breathe deeply and wait for it to kick in.

I am calm.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

if you have chemistry then you only need one other thing

and that's timing but - timing is a bitch i can't stand the fact that i know how much i get along with you and i really like you and i know you feel that way too but you're leaving soon and there's nothing we can do maybe i'm overthinking this maybe you don't feel the things i do i hate having feelings for you or anyone the thought of being in a relationship scares me after everything i've been through in the past 7 years i really can't risk being hurt again but then you finally pop into my life and i'm falling for the idea of doing it all over again just for the chance to be with you i don't know what to do i really hope this just passes because i know i can't be with you

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

i’m tired

i’m tired even though i got 12 hours of sleep i’m tired even though i got the normal 8 i’m tired because i’m constantly battling my mind pulling me back and forth trudging through murky waters of mental instability 

it’s been three months and i’m still not okay i can’t believe how not okay i actually am if i step back and look at it all

most days i don’t feel anything i can’t feel happy or calm or serene unless there are drugs or alcohol involved i don’t even have an appetite most of the time

but i fear i’m gaining weight or i look dead completely but then i get over it and don’t care anymore

i fear i’m getting closer and closer to making a decision based solely off impluse and i’m afraid of where it might take me 

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

11 months 5 days 13 hours

i always thought we’d break up because of your career but apparently you “just not feeling it anymore” was never an immediate option. everyone thought that was super shady but i have several thoughts on our not-so-amicable break up.

1. you’re secretly a sociopath 2. you feed off the new and exciting feelings of a relationship 3. you couldn’t handle how well things were going 4. you will regret this one day 5. i hope it’s soon 6. i hope you feel worse and worse as time goes on 7. you will never find someone as great as me 8. why do you still have my things 9. why do you not want your things back 10. i will never trust you again 11. even though i’m convinced we belonged together 12. i hope you never find happiness 13. i say that out of anger 14. and if you never do find happiness, that’s awful 15. and says a lot about you 16. i’ll always love you 17. but i hate you a lot 18. i still smell your shirt that you left behind 19. but most importantly...and i hate to admit it 20. i miss you so much

there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think about you. and i’m still seriously getting over this because, even though my ex-fiance was a complete douche bag for 5 years, you made me think everything was fine one day and told me otherwise the next. i try to let it go as much as possible but i feel emotionally drained and taken advantage of. i wish i could tell you that you’re a piece of shit to your face. but i kinda never wanna see you again. i hope you never get the things you want out of life. i hope you always reach out for what you want and the minute you think you’ll get it, it’s gone - taken away from you - like what you took away from me. good luck, asshole.

P.S. I WANT MY SHIT BACK

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

no this is fine

it's totally ok to completely ignore your girlfriend for almost three days even though you check her snapchat...fuck you too

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

well then

i guess me healing isn't as important as finding another job even though my injury is from me working at my current job. but I really appreciate you being so forthcoming with how disappointed you are in me instead of being supportive. it's not like it matters anyway since you'll be 12 hours away in a few months while you leave our relationship behind. no, it's ok. i'm definitely the asshole.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

hahahaha - i fucking spoke too soon

i’m happy that you have your entire life and future planned out. that’s normal. i’m not normal. i have no idea what’s going on. i’m disabled now and i’ll probably lose my job soon. i feel like an absolute fuck up and nothing will ever go right for me. but now i know for sure that timer is set on us and i’ll lose you forever. and it makes me wonder if you really do love me or if i’m just a distraction right now. i don’t know what to do anymore. nothing will change the fact that I love you and i’m just really hurt because i feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. i’m trying to tell myself ‘one day at a time’ but it’s really shitty to think about when nothing ever fucking goes right because i’m just supposed to live a shitty life until i finally die.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

it’s been awhile since i wrote about you

but it’s nice because i feel like i haven’t had to, we’re still together and very happy. i feel like i haven’t seen you in quite awhile but we did just spend like two whole days together so i’m obviously being dramatic. and i hope it just gets better from here. all i wanna do is spoil you and be with you forever. you still make me want to be a better person and although i hide some of my secrets from you still, i am trying. my effort is shitty though because i’m still depressed about getting hurt and i feel like a giant sack of crappy potatoes but it’s ok. you give me hope. you are my hope and i love you and i hope we’re together forever and that this is it because i hate dating and i’ll just end up a slutty hermit if we ever broke up.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

he’s going to break up with me

i can’t decide if that’s my gut feeling or i’m being highly irrational. i feel like i can feel him distancing himself from me emotionally. i apologized to him earlier for being too clingy and he told me everything was ok. i don’t feel like it’s ok. but i’m crazy. when i fall in love, i become this crazy, clingy person. i’m really not, i’m just in love. i think he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i really felt like this could be it. like we could run off and get married tomorrow and i wouldn’t regret it for a second. i wouldn’t even second guess it on the way. but i feel like he feels that i’m latching on to him like some soul sucking alien and now he’s seriously considering dumping me because he can’t handle me anymore. even though we’ve already said i love you. he would always tell me how great i am and how good i am to him but now i feel like he’s rethinking all of it. like he spoke too soon. in my mind, i’m already prepared for him to break up with me. and his decision will be final and there will be nothing i can do to change his mind. i’m so scared. please don’t let this happen to me. i literally couldn’t bear the heartbreak. i can feel my chest caving in right now.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

Connected

That’s how I feel about us. We’re connected so deeply and I know it in my heart and feel it in my soul/being. I thought I had that before with someone else and then I, maybe, thought that with another. But with you, it’s different. I know it. I’m not sure how or why but I’m not even questioning it. Whenever we’re together, it’s like we’ve always been together. And so now I pray to God that you are my final one and we belong together. Forever. You make me want to be a better version of myself and I love you for that. I really love you.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

i love you

and i have always loved you and i will always love you. but you’re so immature and you’re so fucking stubborn. but i’m pretty sure you feel the same way about me. and over time you’ve slowly let me know. but because we’re the same, you won’t talk about your feelings...and i won’t either because feelings are gross. but i want to talk to you and i want to be around you and nothing made me happier than when you were finally by my side. i’m actually hoping now you’ll open up to me soon and we could actually end up together. i sort of didn’t want that anymore but after what happened between us, i just can’t let you go.

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

i am dead inside

but i’m trying to stay positive. i’m half trying not to care but i’m half still overly obsessed and i want to die. i repeatedly asked(begged) the universe (very nicely) to PLEASE have (make) my crush ask me out. Please? PLEEEEEEEEASE? I’m asking (begging) so nicely and honestly I can’t stand these overwhelming feelings I have, anymore. And I  certainly can’t take rejection anymore. I miss having the company and intimacy of another person so much. And honestly, I really do know that this is a bad place to look for something like that but can I please have this one, just once? 

[dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid]

my heart melts when you look at me

and my stomach fills with butterflies and every time i think about you, i literally can’t stop myself from smiling like a giant goofball. i also hate having a school girl crush on you. i love the innocence and how i see the stars in your eyes but i’m not sure what’s going on in your mind. do you even like me back? it’s hitting the week mark since i’ve given you my number and you haven’t bothered to talk to me. i’m trying so hard to to just push down how i feel but i want so badly for you to just talk to me. we could go out, have some food, some drinks. we could kiss and fall in love because i can feel in my gut that we somehow belong together and i really want to touch you. 

having a crush makes you crazy. i’m crazy. please text me soon.