my soulmate
is perfect
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@dissociativethoughtsfromthevoid
my soulmate
is perfect
itās so cruel
the Ā way you look at me and the way i look at you this isnāt the way i want things to be but i need you to understand the stars that i seek are not in your eyes but in another- i sigh wondering if heāll ever adore me the way you adore me something about this doesnāt seem kosher but i canāt give it up i feel like a fool whoās running out of luck
dissociation under crisis
When tragedy strikes
And you can't cope
I'll step up
And be the adult
But I'm not being cold
Not even a little bit
I've just disappeared
Because my brain can't handle
Living in fear
why canāt you be upfront
i meet guys who say they like me but then it fades out a few days later
is something wrong with me?
they alwaysĀ āmeet someone elseā or theyāre justĀ āgoing through something right nowā
meanwhile
the serotonin starts to drip through my brain and i wonder what will happen next
maybe itās karma
for all the men who fell in love with me and i didnāt love them back
The weight on my chest makes it so hard to breathe. I can't move. I'm drowning in fear and I'm paralyzed. I sob, cry, and scream. Tears are raining down my face and pooling on my chest. I try to call myself down by taking small, deep breaths. I'm finally okay enough to move but I have to act quickly. I perk up and begin to search my things. I find it almost instantly. If I don't pop one now, it's just going to get worse. I poor a Xanax into my hand and crack it in half. If I took the whole thing, it'd be very hard for me to wake up in the morning. It's bitter and the weight on my chest is back. I breathe deeply and wait for it to kick in.
I am calm.
if you have chemistry then you only need one other thing
and that's timing but - timing is a bitch i can't stand the fact that i know how much i get along with you and i really like you and i know you feel that way too but you're leaving soon and there's nothing we can do maybe i'm overthinking this maybe you don't feel the things i do i hate having feelings for you or anyone the thought of being in a relationship scares me after everything i've been through in the past 7 years i really can't risk being hurt again but then you finally pop into my life and i'm falling for the idea of doing it all over again just for the chance to be with you i don't know what to do i really hope this just passes because i know i can't be with you
iām tired
iām tired even though i got 12 hours of sleep iām tired even though i got the normal 8 iām tired because iām constantly battling my mind pulling me back and forth trudging through murky waters of mental instabilityĀ
itās been three months and iām still not okay i canāt believe how not okay i actually am if i step back and look at it all
most days i donāt feel anything i canāt feel happy or calm or serene unless there are drugs or alcohol involved i donāt even have an appetite most of the time
but i fear iām gaining weight or i look dead completely but then i get over it and donāt care anymore
i fear iām getting closer and closer to making a decision based solely off impluse and iām afraid of where it might take meĀ
11 months 5 days 13 hours
i always thought weād break up because of your career but apparently youĀ ājust not feeling it anymoreā was never an immediate option. everyone thought that was super shady but i have several thoughts on our not-so-amicable break up.
1. youāre secretly a sociopath 2. you feed off the new and exciting feelings of a relationship 3. you couldnāt handle how well things were going 4. you will regret this one day 5. i hope itās soon 6. i hope you feel worse and worse as time goes on 7. you will never find someone as great as me 8. why do you still have my things 9. why do you not want your things back 10. i will never trust you again 11. even though iām convinced we belonged together 12. i hope you never find happiness 13. i say that out of anger 14. and if you never do find happiness, thatās awful 15. and says a lot about you 16. iāll always love you 17. but i hate you a lot 18. i still smell your shirt that you left behind 19. but most importantly...and i hate to admit it 20. i miss you so much
thereās not a day that goes by that i donāt think about you. and iām still seriously getting over this because, even though my ex-fiance was a complete douche bag for 5 years, you made me think everything was fine one day and told me otherwise the next. i try to let it go as much as possible but i feel emotionally drained and taken advantage of. i wish i could tell you that youāre a piece of shit to your face. but i kinda never wanna see you again. i hope you never get the things you want out of life. i hope you always reach out for what you want and the minute you think youāll get it, itās gone - taken away from you - like what you took away from me. good luck, asshole.
P.S. I WANT MY SHIT BACK
no this is fine
it's totally ok to completely ignore your girlfriend for almost three days even though you check her snapchat...fuck you too
well then
i guess me healing isn't as important as finding another job even though my injury is from me working at my current job. but I really appreciate you being so forthcoming with how disappointed you are in me instead of being supportive. it's not like it matters anyway since you'll be 12 hours away in a few months while you leave our relationship behind. no, it's ok. i'm definitely the asshole.
hahahaha - i fucking spoke too soon
iām happy that you have your entire life and future planned out. thatās normal. iām not normal. i have no idea whatās going on. iām disabled now and iāll probably lose my job soon. i feel like an absolute fuck up and nothing will ever go right for me. but now i know for sure that timer is set on us and iāll lose you forever. and it makes me wonder if you really do love me or if iām just a distraction right now. i donāt know what to do anymore. nothing will change the fact that I love you and iām just really hurt because i feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. iām trying to tell myselfĀ āone day at a timeā but itās really shitty to think about when nothing ever fucking goes right because iām just supposed to live a shitty life until i finally die.
itās been awhile since i wrote about you
but itās nice because i feel like i havenāt had to, weāre still together and very happy. i feel like i havenāt seen you in quite awhile but we did just spend like two whole days together so iām obviously being dramatic. and i hope it just gets better from here. all i wanna do is spoil you and be with you forever. you still make me want to be a better person and although i hide some of my secrets from you still, i am trying. my effort is shitty though because iām still depressed about getting hurt and i feel like a giant sack of crappy potatoes but itās ok. you give me hope. you are my hope and i love you and i hope weāre together forever and that this is it because i hate dating and iāll just end up a slutty hermit if we ever broke up.
heās going to break up with me
i canāt decide if thatās my gut feeling or iām being highly irrational. i feel like i can feel him distancing himself from me emotionally. i apologized to him earlier for being too clingy and he told me everything was ok. i donāt feel like itās ok. but iām crazy. when i fall in love, i become this crazy, clingy person. iām really not, iām just in love. i think heās the best thing thatās ever happened to me and i really felt like this could be it. like we could run off and get married tomorrow and i wouldnāt regret it for a second. i wouldnāt even second guess it on the way. but i feel like he feels that iām latching on to him like some soul sucking alien and now heās seriously considering dumping me because he canāt handle me anymore. even though weāve already said i love you. he would always tell me how great i am and how good i am to him but now i feel like heās rethinking all of it. like he spoke too soon. in my mind, iām already prepared for him to break up with me. and his decision will be final and there will be nothing i can do to change his mind. iām so scared. please donāt let this happen to me. i literally couldnāt bear the heartbreak. i can feel my chest caving in right now.
Connected
Thatās how I feel about us. Weāre connected so deeply and I know it in my heart and feel it in my soul/being. I thought I had that before with someone else and then I, maybe, thought that with another. But with you, itās different. I know it. Iām not sure how or why but Iām not even questioning it. Whenever weāre together, itās like weāve always been together. And so now I pray to God that you are my final one and we belong together. Forever. You make me want to be a better version of myself and I love you for that. I really love you.
i love you
and i have always loved you and i will always love you. but youāre so immature and youāre so fucking stubborn. but iām pretty sure you feel the same way about me. and over time youāve slowly let me know. but because weāre the same, you wonāt talk about your feelings...and i wonāt either because feelings are gross. but i want to talk to you and i want to be around you and nothing made me happier than when you were finally by my side. iām actually hoping now youāll open up to me soon and we could actually end up together. i sort of didnāt want that anymore but after what happened between us, i just canāt let you go.
i am dead inside
but iām trying to stay positive. iām half trying not to care but iām half still overly obsessed and i want to die. i repeatedly asked(begged) the universe (very nicely) to PLEASE have (make) my crush ask me out. Please? PLEEEEEEEEASE? Iām asking (begging) so nicely and honestly I canāt stand these overwhelming feelings I have, anymore. And I Ā certainly canāt take rejection anymore. I miss having the company and intimacy of another person so much. And honestly, I really do know that this is a bad place to look for something like that but can I please have this one, just once?Ā
my heart melts when you look at me
and my stomach fills with butterflies and every time i think about you, i literally canāt stop myself from smiling like a giant goofball. i also hate having a school girl crush on you. i love the innocence and how i see the stars in your eyes but iām not sure whatās going on in your mind. do you even like me back? itās hitting the week mark since iāve given you my number and you havenāt bothered to talk to me. iām trying so hard to to just push down how i feel but i want so badly for you to just talk to me. we could go out, have some food, some drinks. we could kiss and fall in love because i can feel in my gut that we somehow belong together and i really want to touch you.Ā
having a crush makes you crazy. iām crazy. please text me soon.