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[distantqalb]

I miss my husband

[distantqalb]

why is distant qalb so distant right now

no more posts?

I'm still here, lurking around. Writing my notes in my drafts and seeing things...

[distantqalb]

Never did I think I'd have to experience a pain like this. A loss so hidden yet felt so deeply. Although I didn't know you yet or have you grow in me for long, I prayed endlessly for you. I prayed for your health, protection and longed to meet you. Though my yearning for you was so strong, your desire to be with the Almighty was stronger.

I know it was not meant to be and you were not to grow you in my body for long but my heart is shattered and I feel a guilt so strong that I did not have the strength to have you. I know it is all written and I have to be strong but these tears fall uncontrollably, praying that I am able to meet you in Jannah my little one. I did not have the strength to grow you but I know you were there, I know you gave me that moment of joy before you were taken from me.

I hope I meet you my angel and I pray that though you were not here for long, Allah will allow us to meet where I can cradle you and hold you in my arms.

[distantqalb]

Loneliness is horrible

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Going back to work soon and my heart is so heavy.

How can I leave my baby? I cry uncontrollably thinking about it. She relies on me so much still for comfort, food and sleep. I worry that her eating won't improve and her bad food habits are because of me.

I worry I won't be able to balance my life well; to be a mother, wife and teacher.

I wish I could just be with her, raise her and be her mum all day. I try so hard to think positively but I can't- why doesn't my baby eat well still? Have I done something wrong? How can I get her to sleep well at night without me needing to feed her? I just want to be a good mum but I just feel the worst.

Ya Allah please make this transition easy on us all

[distantqalb]

I know I don't usually do new year reflections etc but this year, 2022 was defo the biggest for me.

I gave birth to my firstborn and my daughter, Aisha. I have never felt a love so strong and precious. This love for my daughter has only increased the love I feel for my husband, watching him become a dad and seeing how his entire world revolves around us both.

My Aisha. The light of my life and the peaceful beat of my heart. I pray she grows into a beautiful woman who lives up to her name. I pray that all that know and see her wish nothing but the best in this life and the next for her and she is embodied the best of characters.

[distantqalb]

My husband wrote me a love letter even though I know how much he hates writing

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2 years with my love... feels like 10 years

[distantqalb]

Yes, it was a re a situation I had a while ago and you acknowledged the matters of the heart being very delicate which was very comforting to hear. May Allah bless you

I can't remember what this was about but Alhamdulillah my words gave you some sort of comfort. May Allah ease all your affairs.

The matters of the heart are indeed very delicate, I need to remind myself of that too. ❤️

[distantqalb]

salaam, hope you're well! just wanted to say jzk khayr for your kindness when answering the questions you get from anons. may Allah bless you and your family.

Wa'Alaykum Salaam,

That was a very sweet message. I hardly get messages anymore but thank you

[distantqalb]

... and I know that Allah will look after me and my heart

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My baby is crawling, MaSha'Allah.

[distantqalb]

It's such a small world. Seeing you again. Seeing you twice in the last 2 months when I haven't seen you in the last 6 years or so.

And I'm married. I have a beautiful baby girl and life has moved on so much.

How we've grown. Oh, how life has moved on.

[distantqalb]

Talk to me

Who's me?

[distantqalb]

I think I have PTSD from what happened to me during labour and I don't know who to talk to

[distantqalb]

Hate my postpartum body so much

[distantqalb]

It was the strangest thing seeing you. Didn't think I would ever see you again.

I didn't recognise you at first but something told me it was you. I don't think I would ever really forget your face. Such a significant person who helped me, through the heartache find my way in the end.

It was strange. I felt so self conscious in that moment but I braced myself. Why? I am more than the vulnerable girl you once you. Here I am, with my daughter and my husband at my side.

I doubted myself again. Was it really you?

It must've been. I've seen that double take before when you turned after I walked away and here you are, doing it again.