~Diary of a Diva~

| digital diary | || Lana enthusiasts l| Mitski lover | || she/her l| black l|17 https://divasdiaries.carrd.co/

[divasdiaries]

What am I, if not utterly alone?

[divasdiaries]

Void of humanity He took with him my innocence.  I let him. He held me like I was his, like I mattered, like I was loved. He can take whatever he likes and I'll let him.  Take my soul and leave me hollow. Fill me with your essence Strip me of my worries Rinse me clean of impurities Let me not think You dictate my life It fuels your need for power I'll let you bruise me Just use me  I'll let you gut me Slice my abdomen open  Remove my organs Deprive me of my humanity Hollow me out  I am no more than a shell Wear me  Rinse me of my impurities Clean my wounds  Burn my scars Let me escape from life Take me.

[divasdiaries]

Transcend humanity

[divasdiaries]

My heart is a lamb

Delicate and pure

Sought after by many

I am a lamb

Pretty and naive

Vulnerable and soft

My coat is smooth;

Hands reach to stroke me

My voice rings out in a high bellow

Love emanates from my soul

I am am a lamb

The wolves have torn my limbs to shreds

I am a lamb my heart too warm

My habitat cold

I am a lamb lovingly admired

Cut open and served for the ones who adored me.

[divasdiaries]

I wanna be strung out, but I know Im at higher risk for the damages that come with the package. I just wanna be in a new world, One thats empty and still, and warm and empty and quiet and loud and no one sees me but everyone feels me. I wanna be pure. I wanna live in the forest. In the treetops. I wanna be everything and nothing. An object forever watching the people of pain pass her by. I wanna observe the world around me and be the very thing I watch. I want my body to liquidize and seep into the Earth. I want my brain to oxidize and be one with the air. I want my eyes to soar to the stars and twinkle until the burn out. I want my heart to pump the waves of the oceans. I want my fingers to mend into clouds. i want my hair to become the blades of grass our human feet prance upon. I want my life to have meaning. I want my life to make an impact on the people of the world, even if under-looked, I'm still admired when someone stops to stand a while, even for a moment.

[divasdiaries]

5/3/2023

I  just want to cry. Yesterday I wept til my head hurt and I laid myself to sleep, but today nothing seems to want to spill out, and all I want it to leak this build up out. I'm hoping in my writing that the well will overflow. My friend if you can call her that is catching wind that I in fact have stopped liking her. And I guess I'm glad that its our time to break free, but I cant help but mourn our relationship, even though it should have died buried and stopped out a year ago, and yet I clung on. My only fear is that Ill be all alone again next year. I don't want to start over so prematurely. I  was expecting to have them til I graduated, so I guess Im just being hit with the sad truth that Ill be graduating alone surrounded by my family whom aren't seen as the brightest stars in my eye. I just feel so sorry for myself. I hate that I can never fulfill my younger selfs goals. Im just pitiful at this point. I think it's best for me in the long run, I just hate that nothing in my life ever stays solid. In other news, I haven't eaten a lot lately. Today all I had was some of my friends' candy which I should have just left alone, my turkey wrap, which may I add is pretty small, and a packet of raisins. That's it and I feel like it's a lot. I've eaten three things today and I feel like it's too much. I still feel fat and my plan is to barely eat again tomorrow.  Anytime I do eat, even the smallest of things I get a raging headache that nags me for hours which is weird because its supposed to be the opposite. I get a headache because I need to eat, not because I ate. I think I just need a day to myself. Just purely by myself so I can bounce back, be me again. I think I'm just in a depression part of the possible BPD I might have, but I don't want to self diagnose. I miss the days in middle school when friendships were fake and I could feel all alone in peace. Where I could wallow after school with no self-awareness. 

[divasdiaries]

The silence of when I arrive home Is the most calming storm of buzzing clouds of emptiness that floods my hollow brain with static of every event Ive done, and the crumbling of my facade

[divasdiaries]

5/2/2023

I went to Paris (Texas)

With a suitcase in my hand

I had to leave

Knew they wouldn't understand

When you know, you know

When you know, you know

It's time, it's time to go

When you know, you know

Then the more you know

It's time to go.

Ive reached a point where I realized I must drop my friends, again. With all the senior activities going on,  realized in my heart that I didn't want to spend my last year of high school with them. This sense of loneliness that lives within me flooded through my veins again. Like a dormant virus silently replicating in my cells until one day it decides to flare up again. These past two days its gotten bad again, and Im thrown out of my derealization fairytale and forced to face reality that I don't have friends, just people I get along with. People I only talk to because I see them everyday. I just wish my younger self wouldn't be so disappointed with my new self. I  cant seem to ever not be alone, I always am and no matter how hard I try to fool myself, Im in this world entirely shrouded in solitude. It doesn't help that every year Im in a new friend group. Every consecutive year of school. Im scared that when school is over ill really be alone this time, no distractions. I've been listening to an audiobook called “Demon Copperhead” which at first was a way to feel more intellectual with the time I had while driving, but its starting to take its toll on me. The main character is on his path to becoming a junkie, like his mom. And I know, I know whats going to happen. I don't want it to. I see myself in him and its scaring me, I never realized how much of my fathers mistakes took a toll on my being. Watching people get high on minuscule drugs like weed makes me irrationally angry because they don't know. They don't know what it did to me. I like to think I have self control over the emotional side of my brain, that I'm a rational thinker and reactor, but this, this is my kryptonite. When I went to the doctors office they weighed me and I've lost about 20lbs in the course of 6 months and at least 5 in the past month. My diet is really working but I cant help feel like Im coming to a standpoint. I feel myself slipping back into my ED ways. Whatever it takes to be pretty. My life despite all the sad sappy swift I just spewed has been slightly positive. My calisthenics training has been paying off, I can feel it when I do a handstand and I can feel the improvement in my stretching, I just need to keep it up. Plus I joined my schools dance team, I think this will be good for me, a change. A new distraction.

[divasdiaries]

4/24/23 

I cant remember if I told you guys about my new routine but I feel like this is the first week Im seeing results. I can do a backbend again, I can touch my face to my knees again. I feel alive. Ive been dri king so much water half a gallon plus doesnt even feel like enough. I even lost weight partially because of my diet and the other half being I lost weight. I started watching a youtuber who has broken down plus sized peoples journeys through weight los or why they cant lose weight. Her videos have become so helpful in stopping me from overeating and craving junk food. However yesterday my mom suggested we get large friess from Whataburger. I obliged because why not and I had been up since 7:00 am, not having eaten anything by the time we arrived to Whataburger around 5:00 pm. So I indulged, and it made me physically sick. My stomach had stopped bloating, no matter how much I ate compared to back then wehn eating an apple could expand me half an inch. I was even starting to get a better relationship with food due to the anti-bloating, but now im back. As I type this Im currently bloated about an inch out even though ive only had raisins, a sandwich, pita chips, and a small bowl of rice with a small piece of chicken on top, all within hours of eachother. Npw im back bloated, I havent shit in about 3 days and my body is acting like its dehydrated. I dont want to fall back into that phase in my life. I felt like all my new routines were finally showing up. I was so excited to try my calisthenics and the workout took me out, but I can see how its going to help me, I just hope that my bloating can chill and let me bask in my glory.

[divasdiaries]

4/19/23 

Another late arrival day is tomorrow and Im so excited. Im going to waffle house. Everything just feels like its coming together. Plus I think my diet is working, its helping my digestive system and I'm losing weight which is a plus without having to starve myself. I feel like I can reward myself tomorrow. The Invisalign I haven't worn in a while don't feel like they are going to cause me excruciating pain when I put them in and my hair even though its messed up is salvageable. Ill be fixing it tomorrow. This week has just been looking bright. Also I got back into my K-R&B phase and its making me reminiscent of old times. I think life is looking up all because I got my hair done. Ooh and I forgot Im going to the Kali Uchis concert next week. I just, I don't know Im feeling happy. Its probably all the extra sleep I'm getting from these late arrivals. Or the fact that I ate three brownies today but I'm not feeling or seeing any damage done to my intestines. On a negative note I hate that my health problems help feed my ED. I use the fact that I have a sensitive digestive system as a way to not feed myself or limit myself, but I think all this additional water intake and low fat diet is really throwing my life together.

[divasdiaries]

4/18/23

I've been off my routine for about three days now. It was disrupted and it took me a while to find balance again. Since we had late arrival for juniors and seniors, the extra hours in the morning allowed me to feel back on track. The only downside was that I was trying to fix my hair that I did the night before. My sew-in quite literally looked like I was Pricilla Presley with that huge ass bump. I was stressing baaaaaadddd. I threw my hoodie on and called it a day, but at least my bundles were cute. I had about half an hour before I had to go to work and just jammed a bunch of bobby pins in my hair in hopes that it would solve my problems. It in fact did its job but my leave-out is frizzy asf. In hindsight tomorrow I’m going to be trying my hot rollers. They are the whole reason I  did this damn hairstyle in the humid months.

[divasdiaries]

"Im tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy..."

[divasdiaries]

Summers coming, I'm healing...

[divasdiaries]

need me a partner in crime :(

[divasdiaries]

4/12/23

Dear, future me

It's kind of funny to me writing this letter because I've been writing many of these along the way to read when we are 18. I dont know what to tell you that I havent already said before, but I guess I'll start witht the smaller things.

I hope that you keep up with your morning routine. We have been doing good on the smaller aspects, but I hope you keep up with our new additions, because I know they will pay off in the future. Also I dont want you to burn out from

working too much, but still keep that money up. Oh! and keep up with your low-fat diet, we dont need anymore visits to the ER. I also hope you finally settle down and start learning some japanese. We've been trying for 3 or 4 years now

it's about time you step up. I know you can do it we've been working hard so far we can keep going.

(I wrote this for an assignment in my creative writing class)

[divasdiaries]

4/11/23

I know I've been gone for a while, I was in the hospital fighting for my life ;). Anyways as I sat in my mothers bed for a week I contemplated what I wanted to do in my life. I had a “I want to be a Supermodel” phase and that sent me down a ED phase even though I'm currently in one. I've been losing weight because I lost my appetite and and and and and I had to change my diet because apparently I developed kidney stones which is why I'm losing weight. So my plan of rejuvenation consists of yoga morning and night, drinking a half gallon of water everyday, eating low-fat foods, working on my calisthenics and drinking hot tea,, along with everything else i've been doing. Also my english teacher can kiss my ass. Im getting tired since its been such a long day just now coming back to school after being in the ER and my bitch ass English teacher wont give me an extension, but I dont work this week so I should be able to manage. Hopefully. 

P.s. Ive been watching a lot of South Park recently and I don't know what its gonna do to my brain ;).

[divasdiaries]

3/26/23 

Even though I didn’t do any homework over the weekend I’m proud of myself for being able to accomplish a lot of it tonight. I think I’ll do good on my presentation. I need to or else I’ll fail this term and my grade for the second semester won’t be good. I also mapped out how I’ll do all of my work, when and what time. I barely ate today, my mom forgot to pack my lunch, but as soon as I get home I pig out. It’s like I’m participating in Ramadan. On another note I’ve been listening to Lana’s new album and GOD ITS TO DIE FOR. It feels just enough like her but you can tell how she’s progressed as an artist. I know those tik tok stand are probably disappointed she’s not singing about getting high and fucking old men.