His jaw clenched and relaxed over and over again. He’d taken to tapping his heel repeatedly against the ground, slowly at first but now it was just again and again and again. The sound and the movement both soothed him, even if it didn’t look like it. Certainly it was better than him growing more and more agitated. He didn’t want to do that. He hated that feeling. He especially didn’t want to show Ash that side of him, she already looked scared of him. He was pushing her away, wasn’t he? He knew it. He knew he was. Of course this was going to happen. He wasn’t deserving of anything good, least of all her. Perhaps it was for the best— no, no. On his free hand, the tips of his fingers dug into his jeans. Now here he was, hearing conflicting views about what was good and what was bad. He was silent throughout all of it, except for when she asked why he cared, and defensively he snapped. “Because they’re all idiots!” His blue eyes opened wide, angrily, not at her, but at everyone else. He looked at her, and eventually the boy’s anger dampened to regret. “I, I ain’t meanin’ to snap at you, Ash, I, I don’t mean it. I’m—- I’m just angry. I stopped them pills. I don’t know if they was helpin’ or not…”
He was looking out at the fields, he didn’t see the look of relief that settled across her face. It probably would have helped. All he felt right then was ashamed. Weak. He pressed his lips together as tightly as possible, the lump in his throat painful. There was no way he was going to let out a sob. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her enough to do so, in fact that was probably why he didn’t want to cry in front of her. Ash pressed into his side, and her warmth let a sigh escape from between his lips. But he was still managing not to cry, even if suddenly, with her touching him, it was ten times harder. It wasn’t until after she’d made him look into her eyes to see that she really wasn’t lying, that his breaking façade crumbled altogether and left him a sobbing mess. He bowed his forehead against hers, still embarrassed but giving in to emotions. He stayed like that for a time, eyes shutting. After a while he sniffed, lifting his head again to look her in the eye (with great struggle).
The vulnerability in her voice made him wince, and his eyes, wet, sparkled. How could he let her know that those words meant the world to him? He couldn’t. He couldn’t find the right words, and that just made him more upset. Again his eyes dropped, but this time one of his hands came up to her pale jaw, and stroking his thumb against her cheek he let out a strangled sob. “She— she could me names," he said, miserable, "she could me a freak." His voice had gone gruff, raw from his crying. His dark lashes were sodden with water. "I told her, I said— I said I don’t like it when people shout at me. I told her it gets me angry and she didn’t fuckin’ listen, I—” he cut off, and with sudden wide eyes he stared at her face, as if in outrage at her last words. For a moment he stayed frozen, but then he began to nod, and nod a lot. His hand, the one on the side of her face, held her cheek a little tighter, and he brought up his other hand to the other side of her face too, thumbs wiping at her cheeks. Trust. The word made him think of the men at that facility, but he tried so hard to just focus on Ash instead. But he did trust her. “I do, fuck I do,” he wept. Oh but he was still so confused about everything, his feelings were mixed, emotion was still raw, and not knowing what to do next he leant forward and pressed his lips to hers, eyes shutting tightly, too scared to have them open in that moment.
She shut her eyes when he pressed his forehead against hers. Her heart seemed to be beating faster, though why, she couldn't quite explain. She imagined it was from both the panic, relief, and tension that was rushing though her at the conversation. Felix always managed to make her feel so raw, like her pain was so much more visible, and yet at the same time, more comfortable, because out in the open, at least she wasn't alone. He swelled her heart with both pain and hope at the same time, and as he sobbed into her, she felt the same conflicting emotions battling out in her yet again. Her grip around him tightened as he let the emotions pass through him, and her eyes shut only tighter. She could understand them. That feeling of being alone, of wanting to find an easy answer out but not having one, it was all painful for her too. Only this past week she had been with her parents, who had yet again told her they wanted nothing to do with her. All she had was the ghost of her brother, and this fragile boy sobbing into her. Tears slipped from her own eyes as she tried to convey all the love she could through her hug to Felix.
Ash could feel anger boiling in her when Felix finally did speak again. She knew those words, knew just how painful they were, how hurtful they could be. She'd been on the receiving end of them plenty of times, but the thought of Felix, so fragile, being forced to endure that, infuriated her. "You're not a freak," she said vehemently. "She's wrong. She's an idiot. Ok?" Ash said, bringing both hands up to his face to make sure he knew it, tears still slipping from her eyes at the emotions that were pouring forth because of this conversation. "Don't you dare listen to her. It wasn't right to punch her but you're NOT a freak, Felix. Never once have I thought that," she said, her words conveying nothing but the true sincerity she felt. Felix was different, that was for sure, but she adored the boy, and to her he truly wasn't a freak. He was just different. Just alone. And people were scared of that, so they tried to strip him of his armor, even if it was made of silver.
Ash's arms slipped down to rest on either side of his torso as he brought his hands up to the sides of her face. She closed her eyes for a few seconds at the feeling, her heart beating strangely fast again as the rough skin of his fingers brushed against her face, wiping her tears. It caused a strange fluttery feeilng in her chest she couldn't quite explain. She finally opened her blue eyes and looked at him. She felt as though there was something swelling in her throat, and she was almost paralyzed with fear at the thought he'd say he didn't trust her. His face seemed conflicted, as if he was fighting for himself, and her hands tightened around the fabric of his shirt for a few seconds. But something within Felix seemed to snap, and he brought himself forward, finally uttering out his last desperate statement before he closed the distance between the two of them, kissing Ash.
For a few seconds, Ash did nothing. Her eyes widened in shock, and she sat there slack, paralyzed, as the realization of what was happening tried to course through her. She could feel certain things, like the roughness of him against her, and the slight dampness to his skin from his tears, but also the overpowering warmth and gentleness of him. As her brain started to catch up with what was happening, she realized her heart was nearly bursting out of her chest, and the realization that maybe that was for a different reason than she'd ever acknowledged before quickly passed through her mind. Without even knowing what she was doing, her hands began gripping the fabric of his shirt tighter. The kiss... didn't feel wrong. It felt sad, and lonely, and desperate, but not wrong. And as Ash's mind finally clicked to understanding, she couldn't help but close her eyes, and press herself against the boy in front of her, trying to push that loneliness out of him with her mere presence. And with that thought, she kissed him back, wrapping her arms tightly around Felix, never wanting to let him go.
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