I am too broken, and most probably no one will ever read this, but I write it for me, to try to get out everything I feel, to try not to sink, again, but it is a vicious circle, every time I think I am fine I collapse again, I try to talk about what I feel, how I feel, but I can't, it is easier to pretend that everything is fine and believe that at some point I will be fine, but deep down I know it will never happen, I don't know how to be well, I am always bad, I always pretend and I got used to that, it became my comfort zone, and no matter how hard I try not to drown, I can't anymore, I am hitting rock bottom and there is no one to save me, I can't, I can't, I am dying, or at least, I would like to be dying.
I'm broken, I feel broken or I don't even feel myself, I am but at the same time I'm not, I feel that everything around me turns and turns, and I'm still here, stagnant, sunk in my thoughts, defeated by my fears, insecurity consumes me, I'm getting worse, I hit bottom and now I'm going to the subway, each time I sink deeper, while I take one step forward, I take twenty steps back, and no, I don't want to be like this, but it's what I learned to live with, I don't know what it feels like to be happy, I was never completely happy, and I don't think I am, I feel that there are people who deserve it and others that we are only destined to subsist, to be until we are no longer there, to be until we are no longer there, to be until we are no longer there, to be until we are no longer there, to be until we are no longer there, to be until we are no longer here, to let the days go by and pray that someday everything will change, but deep down I know it won't, and it's useless to keep trying, I know I'll never be happy, because I don't deserve it, and yes, I didn't do anything bad, or too bad, but I don't deserve to be happy either, I don't deserve to love myself because there is nothing I like, everything is horrible, and when I try to overcome that insecurity it gets bigger and bigger, I wanted to love and the only thing I got was to sink more, it's worthless, everything is in vain, I am not destined to be happy and that's the only thing I can accept.
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