DMLCatseye

I'm scared of bridges and man hole covers and seeing a ghost in my rear-view mirror. Again.

[dmlcatseye]

Death

I wanted to share my feelings on death.

In general, I am ready for it.

Currently.

I felt that feeling that you get

When your deepest desire

Has been reached.

I was in bed, holding hands with him.

The desire to be loved

Had been reached.

Hell, I’m crying writing this.

It’s a warmth in the pit of my stomach

Like a campfire where the top gently tickles my shoulder blades.

It’s like I smoked some good weed

And got lifted into the sky by my own wings. The ones I nurtured to perfection.

The ones I strengthened with hard work,

Though I’m tempted to still work harder

Until they are ready to lift me one last time.

I don’t know when I will go.

Maybe it will be soon.

It might be after I’ve reached another goal

Of raising a family of my own

Or it may be when I’ve outlived every other fool I know

If it ends up being later tonight,

Or tomorrow,

I don’t want anyone to think

It came a day too soon.

God I’m crying again.

Because as of right now, I’m ready.

If you find this, and I’m gone,

Don’t miss me.

Look forward.

Wear my necklace.

I was always a tiny part of the universe

And next I’ll get to become more

[dmlcatseye]

All-Nighter

Why do the floorboards creak

Do they have something to say?

Why doesn’t my poetry flow

Out of my pores

Like I want it to

Like I’m asking it to

Literally begging it to

Like it used to ten years ago

Time has betrayed me

It removed the words out my throat

With jagged scissors

I allowed.

I’ve changed so much I find myself

Reliving it all, imagining how

I would do it differently

It’s not the right thing to do.

But it’s how my brain works,

I say,

I’m giving myself excuses and

Living with the pain.

It’s not as hard as it used to be,

May that be the blessing behind it all.

I’ve grown and learned to cope in ways

I didn’t imagine I’d be able to

I like being alone and can allocate

Time for myself

Like right now, a flashy water feature

Has erupted from the base of my spine

Out the top of my head,

Warm, clear, wet

Thoughts I don’t touch every day

By god, I have been waiting for you

[dmlcatseye]

Can you imagine me now? A surly teen at 22, With a shock of red hair A rained-on wet, Curly and above the shoulder. A gay pride t-shirt tucked Into a pair of big cheetah print panties. Taking a cue from “be confident” socks. A handful of Cheerios, Stoned all alone. If you were here, Staring at you, Judging.

[dmlcatseye]

colder

I feel like I’m talking to you because it’s my job.

I have to use formulated responses,

Like,

I regret to inform you that your

Opinion is irrelevant.

I understand that my lifestyle is an

Inconvenience

But I am not forcing you to stay here.

And how could you be so selfish

As to say that my work schedule

Ruins your weekends?

You do not take me seriously.

You do not take my job seriously.

You think what I do is a joke.

You think

That for the last year

I have not put in hours of work and effort

So get my supervisors to trust me

And coworkers to look up to me

And multiple superiors to be impressed

By my abilities

If I change my schedule, that

Puts me a step back. You do not see that.

I would have less responsibilities and

You think that’s okay because it doesn’t change my pay but it matters to me.

But you are only thinking about yourself here

What kind of excuse will you give me

Why you’re mad?

[dmlcatseye]

talk

messages I thought they’d be easier to think of when I’ve been thinking of them for months.

I am not lonely,  I am not alone,  but there’s a part of me that still considers you home. 

since May I have been formulating a letter a chat to send to you Just to say, “hey, I was just thinking of you.” but what will it include?  how do I seem interested but aloof? like my life doesn’t depend on your response.  When I know that’s not true?

I’m not desperate to talk to you but you were the one friendship that felt unfinished its been six years since I last saw you how do I say it all in one sentence? how can I portray my slight affections in a way that still shows though we’ve gone different directions somehow my heart still knows...?

You have infiltrated my dreams, not that I’d tell you that. But if it came up, I’d let that free.  I’d tell you that I always see you and whisper your name trying to get your attention.  sometimes you come, others... I’ve lost track of all the different story lines There started to be so many I thought I’d write them down but, 

your face kept coming. Night after night. 

In dreams, you are still my friend.  perhaps that enlightened a sense of hope in me if I write you now maybe I’ve been seeing signs that you wanted to hear from me too? is that my sick head?  or my sick heart... 

I guess the real problem is I don’t know how to start.

How do you say, “Hey, something reminded me of you the other day. I know its been a long time.  Just wanted to say hey. Hope you’re doing okay.”

Oh, right.  just like that. 

okay, we’ll go with it. 

[dmlcatseye]

Tell me how to turn this off

Tell me how to make things right again

Tell me how to show you out

Get all of your bullshit out my life again

[dmlcatseye]

Clear water, blue light.

A quarter til midnight.

You popped into my head

while I was laying in bed

Was thinking about the rain

Soul resting on the windowpane

Clear water, blue light.

Half quarter past midnight.

Red glow, cool breeze.

Hear the rustling of the leaves.

My heart, it shakes

It’s humming like an earthquake.

I’m lost, what’s love?

Is there a place that I’m thinking of?

This house, this street.

I could find it if I was asleep.

[dmlcatseye]

there are some kinds of pain that I can’t explain but that I once felt and from it, I’ve heal’d

and that hurt, I fear it’s been just a year wouldn’t wish it upon you nor someone you never knew or someone you might hate because a feeling so great could never be as bad as that pain I once had

[dmlcatseye]

haunt

recurring dream. devastating.  haven’t seen you in years. but I could recognise your face we look different now, I assume what I can tell from your mom’s photos you cut off all your hair and you’re always wearing glasses

   in my head though, the image of you    mirrors us in seventh grade    you were friends with the    ugly duckling, freckled four-eyes    lanky tall, ginger hair.  when time passed and I still saw you  though you weren’t that kind of friend so I wonder if I address it like this, reach out, wish you happy birthday tomorrow, invite you to Columbus, hear your voice                                       see your face

I’ll stop this cause of reminiscence I need to be caught up with the present your present so I can move on. No more dreams. 

[dmlcatseye]

sitting on a warm bench in the middle of campus I’m lost in the crowds and all alone but at peace in my solitude there are still NO NEW WORDS. what am I going to do? I should have come here  during the summer when I still had that stupid job because alumni weekend is crowded full of strangers, like me How am I supposed to pretend  that I never want to see you again?

[dmlcatseye]

good thing when I get mad  I can actually write.

Sometimes you get stuck inbetween places in life.  I’m there right now and it feels pretty weird. 

I think its great that you know how to hurt my feelings denying my advances all I want is some friendship cos you sit right next to me who am I supposed to be all I ever do is talk if its not that then I’m singing

They say ‘you’re not original’ does that mean you like it when I go psycho but you won’t follow my new religion  no one wants to join my dancin’

I don’t have my own style- I am a copy-cat.

and I learn but I don’t know how I’m supposed to teach all I can do is follow I can’t make my own beat

so I draw, I sing I try to write new concepts I stop and think. Haven’t they heard this before? no remake, just erase why did I even try

Don’t you feel so much better, you forgot that you could do this.  take anger or depression and  spin it into rhymes fill the whole page up.

[dmlcatseye]

Girls with Warning Labels

There was so much,

Heartbreak,

Before you were here.

Things we don't need to endure,

Anymore.

Now that we're here.

People like me talk too much.

Girls like me,

Live in the past.

I'm working on it,

I really am.

But when there were

Five people before you

(Red, orange, yellow, green, blue)

I'm gonna touch and be touched

And sometimes think of them.

But I don't want to

Live in my history book

You can't understand it all

With one simple look

So I gave you my rules

And you gave me your all

I keep looking in your eyes

Forcing you to fall

Because I'm sitting here at work

Staring at the wall

Dozing off, every few seconds

The dream is looming tall.

I'm dreaming of your body

Are you dreaming of mine?

Will you stop by the house

To say goodbye,

Before heading out of town?

[dmlcatseye]

Thank You Notes to Past Lovers

Thank you, to my first boyfriend,

Brandon:

For asking me out. Holding my hand. And not saying hello when I saw you at the mall last year.

Thank you, to my second boyfriend,

Kodie:

For kissing me. It was unexpected, new. And saying hello when you saw me at the mall last year.

Thank you, to my senior prom date,

Andrew:

For NOT kissing me. I would’ve went crazy. But, alas, I did anyways.

Thank you, to my virginity-stealer,

Neighbor Nate:

For never letting me spend the night, but letting me come back for seconds. (And thirds…)

Thank you, to my first love,

Evan:

For cheating on me. Twice. And then blinding me with affection and expecting sex in return. (Taught me a lot.)

Thank you, to the first virginity I took,

Bryon:

For understanding, not remembering, and the latte.

Thank you, to my first love affair,

Robert:

For buying our hotel room and remaining my friend.

Thank you, to my last love affair,

Nick:

For finally giving up on pursuing me.

And thank you, to my last boyfriend,

Drew:

For breaking up with me. It was for the best.

[dmlcatseye]

The Dark Ages

Always remember the dark ages Your timeline Your life It was horrible and dead once But look at you, You’re alive.

They started when the fun stopped When senior year began You had to decide what your future would be But you never liked to plan. Waiting to hear back from a college That you never wanted to go to, Crying because your friends aren’t your friends They aren’t any good for you. Discovering that you don’t know Anything about relationships But want desperately to be loved, Falling in love with a girl, Not a boy, And never being loved back at all.

Trying to start over When you’re cut off from old friends That’s ok, I’ll join the band And a sisterhood as well I’ll go to parties and forget about This person I’ll never be with Forget about the fact I’m never Gonna pass English. And become sad. So sad. Because school is, like, super hard. And my mother has expectations And this career isn’t for me And I want to die because No one loves me.

And then I fall. Sex is great. Vodka’s great. And weed’s great too. But I’m no good at school So I can hardly try anymore And I think I’ve found love But I still sleep around Until I’ve lost him, big whoop And then discover Taking virginities is the real fun And I can finally touch her But my soul is dead And the fire is out.

Those were my dark ages. Everything else was just leading up.

Its really quite strange that  I can’t remember those three months after I decided to kill myself. Because I was dead inside. But I’m still here? Funny how things worked out In the end.

[dmlcatseye]

I see your light on in your room and I wish that I was in there with you.

I haven't talked to you in a few days the way we used to.

I miss the time when you held me now I turn around and she's there. 

[dmlcatseye]

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever have a man? I don't know if I will, I don't know if I can.

[dmlcatseye]

Compare

Hell, I don't want to compare you to him. So please forgive me, because I must. If you think it's because I'm not over him, You're wrong, and stop making such a fuss. I don't care how many times we ate out together,  The dining hall and Subway treat us just fine.  You can't cook for me, but that won't last forever. I like spending time with you in line.  He might be taller, bigger, and older than you,  But he puts himself above everyone else.  You are sweeter than him and stronger than you need to, And I love that you want to be a vet.  I fell out of love with him because we just don't get along He liked to argue and thought he was always right.  Your words, sometimes they scare me so,  I always want to hug you tight.  You and I touched each other in your bed I hoped I would remember the next day The way your hands felt around my head Or when you wiped my hair from my face You care only about how I feel  And I feel like the burning of the sun I would rather sleep in your arms every night I can truly compare you to no one.