#dmlc.

[dmlcatseye]

All-Nighter

Why do the floorboards creak

Do they have something to say?

Why doesn’t my poetry flow

Out of my pores

Like I want it to

Like I’m asking it to

Literally begging it to

Like it used to ten years ago

Time has betrayed me

It removed the words out my throat

With jagged scissors

I allowed.

I’ve changed so much I find myself

Reliving it all, imagining how

I would do it differently

It’s not the right thing to do.

But it’s how my brain works,

I say,

I’m giving myself excuses and

Living with the pain.

It’s not as hard as it used to be,

May that be the blessing behind it all.

I’ve grown and learned to cope in ways

I didn’t imagine I’d be able to

I like being alone and can allocate

Time for myself

Like right now, a flashy water feature

Has erupted from the base of my spine

Out the top of my head,

Warm, clear, wet

Thoughts I don’t touch every day

By god, I have been waiting for you

[dmlcatseye]

talk

messages I thought they’d be easier to think of when I’ve been thinking of them for months.

I am not lonely,  I am not alone,  but there’s a part of me that still considers you home. 

since May I have been formulating a letter a chat to send to you Just to say, “hey, I was just thinking of you.” but what will it include?  how do I seem interested but aloof? like my life doesn’t depend on your response.  When I know that’s not true?

I’m not desperate to talk to you but you were the one friendship that felt unfinished its been six years since I last saw you how do I say it all in one sentence? how can I portray my slight affections in a way that still shows though we’ve gone different directions somehow my heart still knows...?

You have infiltrated my dreams, not that I’d tell you that. But if it came up, I’d let that free.  I’d tell you that I always see you and whisper your name trying to get your attention.  sometimes you come, others... I’ve lost track of all the different story lines There started to be so many I thought I’d write them down but, 

your face kept coming. Night after night. 

In dreams, you are still my friend.  perhaps that enlightened a sense of hope in me if I write you now maybe I’ve been seeing signs that you wanted to hear from me too? is that my sick head?  or my sick heart... 

I guess the real problem is I don’t know how to start.

How do you say, “Hey, something reminded me of you the other day. I know its been a long time.  Just wanted to say hey. Hope you’re doing okay.”

Oh, right.  just like that. 

okay, we’ll go with it. 

[dmlcatseye]

Clear water, blue light.

A quarter til midnight.

You popped into my head

while I was laying in bed

Was thinking about the rain

Soul resting on the windowpane

Clear water, blue light.

Half quarter past midnight.

Red glow, cool breeze.

Hear the rustling of the leaves.

My heart, it shakes

It’s humming like an earthquake.

I’m lost, what’s love?

Is there a place that I’m thinking of?

This house, this street.

I could find it if I was asleep.

[dmlcatseye]

Tell me how to turn this off

Tell me how to make things right again

Tell me how to show you out

Get all of your bullshit out my life again

[dmlcatseye]

haunt

recurring dream. devastating.  haven’t seen you in years. but I could recognise your face we look different now, I assume what I can tell from your mom’s photos you cut off all your hair and you’re always wearing glasses

   in my head though, the image of you    mirrors us in seventh grade    you were friends with the    ugly duckling, freckled four-eyes    lanky tall, ginger hair.  when time passed and I still saw you  though you weren’t that kind of friend so I wonder if I address it like this, reach out, wish you happy birthday tomorrow, invite you to Columbus, hear your voice                                       see your face

I’ll stop this cause of reminiscence I need to be caught up with the present your present so I can move on. No more dreams. 

[dmlcatseye]

sitting on a warm bench in the middle of campus I’m lost in the crowds and all alone but at peace in my solitude there are still NO NEW WORDS. what am I going to do? I should have come here  during the summer when I still had that stupid job because alumni weekend is crowded full of strangers, like me How am I supposed to pretend  that I never want to see you again?

[dmlcatseye]

good thing when I get mad  I can actually write.

Sometimes you get stuck inbetween places in life.  I’m there right now and it feels pretty weird. 

I think its great that you know how to hurt my feelings denying my advances all I want is some friendship cos you sit right next to me who am I supposed to be all I ever do is talk if its not that then I’m singing

They say ‘you’re not original’ does that mean you like it when I go psycho but you won’t follow my new religion  no one wants to join my dancin’

I don’t have my own style- I am a copy-cat.

and I learn but I don’t know how I’m supposed to teach all I can do is follow I can’t make my own beat

so I draw, I sing I try to write new concepts I stop and think. Haven’t they heard this before? no remake, just erase why did I even try

Don’t you feel so much better, you forgot that you could do this.  take anger or depression and  spin it into rhymes fill the whole page up.

[dmlcatseye]

The Dark Ages

Always remember the dark ages Your timeline Your life It was horrible and dead once But look at you, You’re alive.

They started when the fun stopped When senior year began You had to decide what your future would be But you never liked to plan. Waiting to hear back from a college That you never wanted to go to, Crying because your friends aren’t your friends They aren’t any good for you. Discovering that you don’t know Anything about relationships But want desperately to be loved, Falling in love with a girl, Not a boy, And never being loved back at all.

Trying to start over When you’re cut off from old friends That’s ok, I’ll join the band And a sisterhood as well I’ll go to parties and forget about This person I’ll never be with Forget about the fact I’m never Gonna pass English. And become sad. So sad. Because school is, like, super hard. And my mother has expectations And this career isn’t for me And I want to die because No one loves me.

And then I fall. Sex is great. Vodka’s great. And weed’s great too. But I’m no good at school So I can hardly try anymore And I think I’ve found love But I still sleep around Until I’ve lost him, big whoop And then discover Taking virginities is the real fun And I can finally touch her But my soul is dead And the fire is out.

Those were my dark ages. Everything else was just leading up.

Its really quite strange that  I can’t remember those three months after I decided to kill myself. Because I was dead inside. But I’m still here? Funny how things worked out In the end.