Doing it Again @doingitagain-blog - Tumblr Blog

Same drama, different day

Does anyone read this shit? No. I'm writing this while I am on the tube/overground enroute to shoreditch house to use their sauna to detox the weekend away So I've accepted the fact that me & Mr. 23 are not going to be an item. I have accepted that sometimes gives mixed signals but those mixed signals are just a figment of my wild imagination. I mean when he sings to Rihanna love on the brain while looking straight into my eyes and walking towards me while I am standing across from him, and I take a few steps back and he follows, it's just my imagination that this is called flirting. Or he knows. He must know that I like him and he is just teasing me. Which also is fine. End of the day, I enjoy hanging out with this kid, he challenges me. It's not easy to challenge me, I am usually a strong personality. But he makes me feel like sometimes I am the 23 and he is the 33. With that in mind I have embarked on a series of dates, you know moving on and shit. Yesterday had a date with Mr. B. B was a skinny mixed race white British boy. He had that nice balance of being "real" with being "gay". He has wit, charm and charisma. He was great and all, but he was nice. He is the boy you take to your mum and I am addicted to guys that are not good for me.

#gaylondon #shoreditch house

Like a drug

I thought Mr. 23 was over. I've closed that door and nailed it shut. He texted 30 minutes ago. The door slams wide open, light comes out, music plays and I fall down the rabbit hole. He is not a good addiction. Note to self, this will be the last time I use him. I promise. No more. Done (yea right, as if)

#gaylondon

My new drug.

So quick recap, it has been a while. Mr. 23 is history, he didnt reply to my text message with pictures of dogs new babies or a Sunday chill out. Which is odd after 5 or 6 nights of hanging out with each other. fuck it. if its not meant to be lets not force it.

So I went on a date with Mr. Irish, on Saturday night in soho house, he opened up my eyes to want I’m looking for in a guy, which was a guy that was real, a guy that was easy for me to be myself with. Granted that I had so much fun on the date, the chemistry just wasn’t there. so not forcing it.

I have another date scheduled for next Sunday with some Mexican/British boy, he seems fun, we have banter.

But this post is not about that.

I went for drinks today with my friends in Cecconi's then again to Soho House (SH) . I’ve met a guy with my friends. A guy that I was completely myself with. A guy that I’ve had so much banter with, we teased each other, we made fun of each other all night, anyone can see that we were making fun of each other to hide our attraction. At least thats what I thought. All of our friends left SH, then there was me and him, he was drunk, he put his head on my laps while making jokes of something, he was obviously intoxicated. I was uncomfortable. I do not know how to act around a guy I like. I don’t know the last the time i think i felt mutual flirting. I keep thinking in my head that is just probably one sided. it must be. One thing my friends told me before they leave, they wanted me to tell them stories of how this will develop, I shrugged, I told them they are crazy... nothing will happen. he is fat. truth he is not fat, he is muscular with 12% body fat. His biceps are as big as my thighs.

So when my friends left, we both ordered different uber’s, each to go to his respective homes. I couldnt help myself. I texted him something lame. he responded. I responded back. then he responded. then I responded.

I am not use to them replying right back. I said good night eventhough I’m awake, because I’m afraid. I am afraid if this is real. If its not in my head. if its not my imagination, if its real, it would mean someone is actually interested IN ME. Someone who is hot as fuck. someone who is intelligent, someone who can i be myself with is interested in me.

this boy is like a drug. I want more of him. I want to invite him to my house. I want to cook for him my special tomato risotto with grilled chicken.

But I’m sure is just my imagination, because we know very well by now based on history that doesn’t happen.

LYRICS FOR AGAR AGAR - I AM THAT GUY,

MY NEW FAVOURITE ADDICTION

wandering at night

keeping you warm

there's no one

and i'm inside the house

rapid days

get enlighten

theres no one

im inside that house

there's no food

there is no light

there is no calling all the time

inside my mind

there is no food

there is no no waiter each divine but there keep driving me out of line

because you don't no nothing

you dont know me so

please don't judge until i'm free

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the crowd

and no one is here cause i'm a fucking blind

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the light

the only thing is i'm a fucking blind

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the crowd

the only thing is sure it's i'm on fire

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the dawn

i see you in the dark and i'm on fire

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the light

the only time is i'm a fucking blind

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the light

and all i see is i'm a fucking lier

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the crowd

the only time is i'm a fucking blind

giving that space around my neck and life around my chest

i won't leave you or it'll make me dead inside

space around my chest give me goosebumps, give me goosebumps again

i know you trolling down that line wed in march and you keep broking

fuck you all well i should have known better

but there's a time where i threw up cause i'm always sick of it all

especially sick of you now

i'm gonna buy myself a dog with a lot of hair

cause i need to pet something

or i'm just gonna throw something in the bathtub now

and the beautiful vase well if you're okay with that

maybe we can go and have fun together

there's no food

there's no light

there is no calling all the time inside my mind

there's no food

there is no light

there is no calling all the time inside my mind

i give me goosebumps, give me goosebumps im on fire

i give me goosebumps

i see you and the dog and i am on fire

i give me goosebumps

i see you and the crowd and i am on fire

i keep wondering at night

i keep looking at the light

the only time is i'm a fucking blind

giving that space around my neck and life around my chest

i won't leave you or it'll make me dead inside

please don't sick me up now

you'll cry for die you will cry for die

please don't try to see my sign or you will fall for dead

you will fall for dead

and i use to running looking down the spine

and running up that line

dont change your mind

keep a bullet on my trigger

and make me feel like a moron

turn me up until i'm dead inside

#Agar Agar I am that guy lyrics

23 closed. I think. Maybe. Fuck. I don't know. No it's chapter closed

I sent text message of my dog with her new borns. He didn't reply saying oh how cute. What a *+%^^[]{. Okay maybe he didn't see the text. It was from my other number that he doesn't have. But he knows my dog and he seen her pictures before. He can't be that stupid. I know for a fact he is smart. Maybe he is like my best friend he sees a message and then replies 2 days later because he forgets to reply. Like he genuinely forgets. Fuck I am doomed if that is the case. Maybe I should stop looking for excuses for every small little thing. Stop making playing uno and monopoly with him as a romantic gesture. Maybe I should just give up. I mean maybe I should stop running after him. I mean dramatics aside, because I do have a flair for the drama. The guy is a decent boy. I am sure if he didn't reply to one text he has his reason. But in the same time it would be nice to be thought after. I am cute, sexy, confident (debatable), who has an exciting career and social life. I am the full fucking package. Side Note: was watching the Mindy Project today, and I saw her just show up at her boyfriends house and thought fuck she makes me Look sane

#gaylondon

Whiskey

Now we know how much I love VODKA, and my vodka martinis. I believe vodka has a bad rep, people think of it as party drink, blame it on the media and advertising. Vodka, is truly a fine drink, with a perfect taste. Sometimes though I cheat on Vodka, with Whiskey, like right now as I am writing this entry from my phone. I have travelled out of the country, down south alone for the weekend, where it is warmer. Having a steak alone at this upscale restaurant. Sitting on the bar alone. Sipping on a whiskey. Some might find that quiet lonely, what do they know. I find it empowering. My ability to go out by myself and have fun. I take myself on dates a lot. I mean if I won't spoil myself who will? Prince Charming? Where has he been for 33 years? Back to the single malt whiskey served on two ice cubes. I've been to this restaurant before. It was around 5 years ago with my ex and best friend. My ex. Hmmmm my ex. Where do I start and where do I end? My ex as I said before is now one of my close friends, advisors, family. But before we were that close we were lovers. I don't think I ever loved anybody like him. till date when I meet people something inside me compare to him. Not because I am still in love with him, which I am not. But because I believe I would never meet anybody who would ever match up to him. Or to be precise the image I had of him. I mean ehmmm.... This is difficult to write. If I write certain things then will it be the truth, would I be admitting to myself certain truths that I've always known to be true. Am I still in love with my ex? Ask anyone they would say yes But then came 23 year old boy, who is not interested in me. Who I know is just a friend, bla bla bla bla, but he is the only one that made me forget about my ex. The 23 year old boy occupied my thoughts non stop for the last three weeks. I know it's useless. I should just drop it. Save myself. Find myself another obsession.

#gaylondon #gaylove #gay crush

Fear and Truth

I'm not sure if anyone read this, don't think so But also at some point people will and I get afraid if someone I like, as in the 23 year old will put and 1 & 1 together and figure out that Adam is really .... But truth is really i am afraid of something else. Something I wanted to write here. Something I have told my friends and have no problem even sharing it with strangers. But writing it here in the digital world, would leave a permanent digital mark. I am not ready for that, for it to be. Here. Always. One could argue you could delete it later, but if you know the Internet, nothing can ever be deleted. Anyway back to 23 year old, yes still obviously crushing on him, but I think we have reached the friendzone. Am okay with it. I obviously still have a crush on him, but he is a nice guy and I enjoy his company. I sometimes get mixed feelings from him, but then I tell myself it's all in my head. I am imagining stuff. You know like when he adjusts his pants so that In that his hip bones are on display or when he plays with his crotch, or when he says something that is a joke and looks me in the eye. It's really my imagination going wild. All he in doing is just adjusting his pants because they are uncomfortable or adjust his cock because it is caught in the wrong edge of his briefs and he is looking into my eyes because he is taking the piss.

Aren’t we all lost?

Yesterday, I was having existential crisis of what do I want, as I do every Sunday.

Do I want to date? or would I rather be single? At the moment single was winning, too much headache related dating. Plus I hate sharing my bed.

Do I want to move into a flat in Mayfair or St. James Park by saving money on other luxuries I spoil myself on (too much uber) or just enjoy life in my beautiful 1 bedroom 55 SQM in SW1 post code?

Do I want to continue living in London all my life or maybe think of moving to the US in three years?

CAN I STOP DRINKING? This is the one I’ve been pondering the most. Something inside of me wants to quit drinking, but it just seems I can’t do it.

There is too much pressure from friends around to always fall in the same repetitive rhythm of weekend drinking our liver to oblivion and back. This weekend I had to journal of everything I drink for my personal trainer and well now I know where all my money goes to. (Side note: If I quit drinking I can move into a two bedroom 70 SQM in Mayfair, easily)

I mean honestly without these questions answered I don’t think I can continue to live and function as a normal human being

#gaylondon

The boy from the gym and my imagination

I've been told I have a crazy imagination, a wild one, a creative one. Right now I am writing this as I am doing my cardio workout on cross over machine. Across of me is some cute boy, he looks he could be French. He is average height and normal body, lean. In any given place he wouldn't stand out much, but in the gym compared to all the hormone induced over sized guy in the gym he does stand out. And I just can't stop looking at his cute face. What does this have to do with my imagination, well I keep imagining multiple scenarios where we would talk. One would be where I trip and fall which, me being clumsy is highly likely and he picks me up. Another would be correcting the posture while he is going the deadlifts as he will fuck his backs if he continues like that. Another would be months would go where I'd see every Sunday, exchange looks at each other and eventually on the third month I would see him in a bar and then walk up to him awkwardly drunk and be like hey you go to my gym, he says yes, I ask for his name. Then I awkwardly run to my friends (p.s that one actually happened with some guy a few years back) Anyway my imagination runs wild not in how we meet, but what we will do later. In almost all scenarios (except bar one) I would ask him out for post gym protein meal. He'd say yes, we'd go to some regular normal cafe around the corner. The table would be small. My legs would awkwardly touch under the table for a brief second then I will jerk them back quickly to where it is meant to be. The conversation over the proteins would involve me being both shy and direct. I'd push all his buttons. We wouldn't talk about sexuality at all, I would still have no confirmation if he is gay or not, if he is into me or not. We bid goodbye till we see each other next day in the gym. Will play cat and mouse with him for a week. Eventually will try to kiss him, he will kiss me back. He will be pregnant with my babies and live happily ever after. I mean off course all of my imaginary scenario hinges on him being gay, which by the looks at it, he ain't. But a boy can always imagine.

#gymbox #gaylondon

The Dancer.

So I went on my date with the guy from Tinder. He was a professional dancer. At first before going out with him that put me off thinking that might make him a bit effeminate, but the truth is he was more masculine than me.

(side note: nothing wrong with effeminate or masculine, I believe they are all ok, its just how I like my men. I like my men with an equal balance of both, not either of the extremes)

The date was perfect on paper, we had Vodka Martinis at the Connaught followed by dinner in Little Mayfair. There was laughing, there was banter, more laughter, there was exposing oneself emotionally.

BUT

and isn’t there always a but. He was too nice. I don’t know whats wrong with me or if i am your standard cliche guy who only likes guys that are bad for him or non interested in me. I can just hear the voice of my best friend in the States in my mind saying, Adam go for it. What is wrong with you Adam, there is a guy who is perfect in every sense, who more or less seemed to be accepting of your (my) flaws and yet you want to go after the boys that don’t treat you right, you wont go after the boys that are not men. you want to self destruct yourself.

But. Its not true I don’t want to self destruct myself. I am a person of Duality. I love two extremes. As I mentioned earlier i love my men masculine and effeminate. I like my boys to be both nice & bad. I like them top and bottoms. I like them to enjoy crazy night out or a morning in the market. Versatile but not singular.

However there was a sign of relief that the date didnt work out because, well it leaves me still available for Mr. 23. granted I know nothing will happen but a boy can live in his dreams.

I will end this post with this song

#gaylondon #high by the beach #gay dates #gaydates

Things I thought I’ll Never do & a date.

I What a weekend. I went back home every night of it by 1am, not so drunk but just typsi enough to finish a bag of sweet potato chips and humus dip. woke up on Saturday & Sunday by 9am, was in pilates class by 11am then the gym for some cardio.

Honest to god, I never thought the day would come where I become one of those boring fucks that go to Pilates class in the morning on a weekend. but to balance things out, I did dance like one of those boys in a rave you see in viral videos on Friday in Dalston superstore and owned the pole in Freedom Soho on Saturday night, that was maybe enough craziness.

The Funny thing is I have a slipped disc, so I have no idea did I manage to own that pole, but I did.

The concept of me going home by 1am and being content and satisfied on a weekend is new to me. The idea that i get so much shit done during the day again is new to me. I mean I’ve done markets, art fairs, art exhibits, brunches, parks, cycling in the city, shopping, in words of Trump “SO MUCH GREAT STUFF. SO MUCH.” <<read with a trump accent>>

But things gets exciting on Sunday - The potential date

There after i finished all my day activities, sitting down on the sofa watching this new tv series called Legions, I get a message from M on Tinder. now here is what is weird about this message.

He initiated the message, usually in tinder, i also initiate and don’t get a reply for days later

He is HOT.

He is responsive to text messages.

We’ve set a date for tonight.

So yea on one hand I’m excited about my date, its actually the first time that I’m going to go on a proper date in a long time. Usually when i go on dates, its not called dates, its a meet & greet, coffee. But this one has been labeled as a date. Its where one asked the other on an actual date. sort of old school style but mixed with tinder, which is well exciting.

But there is something in the back of my head I can’t shake off. The 23 Year old. But then again, we are just friends.

#gaylondon #freedomsoho #dalstonsuperstore #dalston superstore

I think I live my life between awkward text messages, does not matter if its drunken or sober. It’s just pure AWKWARD. AWKWARD.

Before I go into details of Mr. 23 encounter, I should mention a disclaimer, I know for a fact that he is not interested in me & I know his intent is just being friends. My intent is also being friends, but I do have a “tiny little” crush, I know eventually I’ll get over the crush, as most of my current friends are ex crushes I use to have. VERY HEALTHY.

So I’ve successfully started the other day by sober texting my crush who is 23 about some random shit, like look how cute this poster is, it reminds me of the game we played last night. I MEAN WHO GIVES A FUCK IF THAT POSTER IS CUTE. Thats what I would say if someone sent me that text.

He obviously didn’t answer.

I sent another barrage of embarrassing text messages, ending it with P.S. I am not flirting, i am friendly,

By 12:45am I was so embarrassed of my drunken texts, I took a swipe of vodka, then focused my energy on messaging my other ex-crushes embarrassing messages, by now the others are just used to it.

Wake up at 8:05am, look at the my phone, no response from 23, I decided fuck it, I’m not going to the office today, I have a hangover to nurse and some shame to hide. I don’t care that I’ve lost a guy whose a crush, what scared me is the possibility of me scaring off a good guy who could be a good friend. Stayed in bed till 9:03am reading what about Trump latest fuck up back home in the States, and what is currently happening the political mess here.

9:03 am, he texted back.

I jumped out of bed. literally my legs pushed the duvet towards the ceiling, I’m upright on the edge of bed hanging on his 8 words reply to my 800 words. Hanging on every letter, analysing every letter. He said Haha. which means he found me funny, or he is just trying to be polite, because at the end he is a nice guy.

I wanted to reply back again, say something. I wanted to see him again that night. But logic kicked in & it said just leave at that, just let it go. give space.

See that is something my 20 something self would have not done, 20 something else would have sent a message, but 30 something self has learnt to wait a few days. That being said 30 something should have done that from the start and not drunk text 10 texts in the first place, but that is a lesson that i hope 40 something self would learn.. we are going to do it a baby steps.

24 hours have passed from that incident and I still haven’t replied or texted back, okay maybe 35+ something could be learning the lesson.

Anyway here i am 24 hours later back in the office and is enjoying the eye candy that is his office crush.

#gaylondon #gay #awkward #awkwardtext

The guy sitting across from me in the office

I was in the kitchen area of our office, I was looking for the filter water tap, a boy walks. A CUTE BOY WALKS IN. He looks at me like confused on what I’m trying to do. I innocently ask, (while simultaneously my brain says kiss him, grab him from the back, push him against the wall and kiss the fuck out of his lips) where is the filtered water. He looks at me, and points to the tap that is literally under my the palms of my hand. AWKWARD. I smile, he smiles.

I’m working in a big open space, He is sitting at the very far end corner from my desk, I keep looking at him, to see if he is looking back at me. He isn’t. That asshole must be straight.

So I start texting my BFF about the boy, obviously with stalker pictures! BFF confirms that the boy is cute and warns me to stop talking pictures If I don’t want to get kicked out of the office.

I agree, so I instead move my desk sort of next to his with the excuse of its to loud where i was sitting to have a conference call. He looks and smiles.

Okay so for day 1 with this boy, we got the smiles and smirks down.

Hopefully by day 2, I might actually find out his name and if he eventually plays for the same team and more importantly if he wants to carry my babies.

#gaylondon #queerlondon

Hopelessly romantic

#gaylondon #gay

Doing it Again

I’ve always had this image in my head of what I would be like when I’m 30 something. I would have been married to my boyfriend in secret. We both would have had high powered jobs, boring sex, and cheat on each other.

Let me introduce myself. I’m a 30 something gay boy in London. 10 years ago When I was a young 20 something, I had a blog that would just talk about the random failed dates I’ve had. 10 Years later, 1 failed relationship, lived in a few countries, here I am, doing it again.

Doing what exactly?

Blogging? Dating? Falling in Love? Getting stood up? Guys chasing me? Sending text awkward messages? Well all of it. But mostly the Awkward text messages, I am the king of that.

You can call me Adam.

The idea of reblogging came to me from my ex, who I consider my family. I keep non-stop texting him about my drama, I mean when you look at the iMessage, you will see five pages of Blue (Me) and one line of Grey (him).

So 2 days ago, in one of our calls, I was telling him about this guy who I think I’m madly, deeply in love with. My ex responds back and saying

“Adam, I can make a Netflix comedy out of you and your friends life, not just you but everyone around you. you attract a certain crowd that...”

Well, I am not going to write some script, but he inspired me to come up with this blog.

DOING IT AGAIN.

Because honestly, thats exactly what I feel like i am doing, 30 something, sitting on my sofa, replace glass of wine with a glass of extra dry vodka martini, and some how the boys I still have crushes on are still the same age 20 something.

Doing it all over again, sending the same awkward text messages, getting the same anxious feelings, the only things that has change is the wine to vodka.

#somewhittyhashtagthatwillneverattractanyonebutme gay 30somethinggay 30something

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