esther

a little bit of me with a little bit of love

[dolesworld-blog]

April 24th, 2019

Today I woke up at 8.30 am. I had to be at school at 11.30am so I had an hour and a half to get ready before I had to get on the train. The painters were back to finish the outside of our house and I drank some coffe with them and my father.

I went to school and we had introduction of our 4th semester. Nothing really special to tell you about.

When I got home I finished watching ‘Someone Great’ on netflixf ( I know I’m addicted) and then started doing my homework. Made my brother cook dinner, which almost went horribly wrong because he’s a moron haha. After that I went for a drive with a friend of mine to discuss our holiday to Italy next week, and then he drove me to my boyfriends house. In the mean time huge clouds filled with thunder came our way so that was terrifying. We survived. I did gave my sister in law the scare of her life when I jammed open the garden door and screamed her name while she just cycled home in the thunder storm (she was already terrified from the storm, and then I came around oops)

We watched an episode of Game of Thrones and then went to bed, because the alarm was set at 8am the next morning.

I felt not much, really. Just the same old autopilot doing his thing.

A little bit of me, with a little bit of love,

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 23rd, 2019

Today I had to go to school again. At 10 am we started with planning our trip to one of the islands above The Netherlands and we did research about the plants and animals that live there. That was kinda all we did haha.

When I got home I watched some netflix and made dinner.

Then it al happened.

Me, my brother and a friend of ours went tho the cinema. At 8.45 pm Avengers: Infinity War started. No breaks inbetween. AND THEN at 11.45pm the next movie started. Avengers: Endgame. Holy shit. I’ve sat in the cinema from 8.45pm until 3 am the next morning. It was amazing. I don’t have words. (also because I don’t want to spoil)

That was kinda everything I did. Got to bed at 4 am. 

A little bit of me, with a little bit of love,

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 22nd, 2019

And now for today, haha.

Today started at 6.30 am, when I woke up with a full nose. I was a bit mad because I wanted to sleep more, and after blowing my nose I did, until around half past 8. Every second Easter day (idk what it is in English) the provincial radio and TV station sets out an Easter egg hunt througout the whole province. 19 silver eggs and 1 golden egg. it is from 9am to 5pm and every now and then there are more clues to find the eggs. It is very fun, but we didn’t find any eggs. We were on our way to one when we heard on the radio that it was just found. Such a bummer. Then me, my boyfriend and my brother watched 2 episodes of Game of Thrones, during which my sister and her boyfriend arrived too. We ate apple pie outside and then we prepared brunch. We had plenty of food, so so much haha. It was very nice but I was very full after that. We sat outside and played some casual soccer and badminton. In total we watched another 3 episodes of Game of Thrones in the evening. At around 7 pm my sister and her boyfriend went home again, and at 9 pm I drove my boyfriend back to his house, because we went with the car yesterday. 

I drove in my grandfather’s car, because we use it now but tomorrow it will be handed in at the car company because we won’t keep it. I got very emotional because all the memories came back. When that car would pull op at our house and it was grandpa, just swinging around for some coffee and such things. It was the last time I would drive in his car and I just cried and cried. I drove past memories with him and grandma (who passed in september 2018) and I cried even more. The last big memorie was driving past their house and it was very hard. I’m even crying writing this. 

I came home, took a shower and changed the sheets of my bed. And now I’m in bed writing this.

I felt happy today, because it was very ‘gezellig’ as we say here in The Netherlands, but it was also very weird because it was the first Easther without grandma or grandpa. Then in the evening I just felt very sad and empty. It just kicked in again. But that happens and that is okay.

Here’s a little more of me, with a little more love,

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 21st, 2019

Surprise! It is actually april 22nd when I’m writing this. 

Today I woke up at my boyfriends house and I felt pretty okay for the amount of vodka I drank last night. We were going to have brunch with his family due to Easter so I got up, took a shower and got ready for the day. Note: my boyfriend is NOT a morning person. Definitely not a morning person. I, on the other hand, wake up a lot faster and earlier. So I had to drag him out of bed:) That turned into a little pillowfight which almost costed me my right index finger. Don’t ask.

We went downstairs and I helped getting everything ready for brunch. Making devilled eggs, wraps, and setting the table. The family would come around between 11am and 2pm. It was very nice. I was a little bit anxious because there would be people I hadn’t met before, and I just was anxious in general. But it was very fun. The food was lovely and so was the whole day. The weather was amazing and after everybody left and we cleaned up we laid in the sun for the rest of the afternoon. Life was good:)

After dinner we went to my house and watched some TV with my parents. After some Mario Kart (I lost twice dammit) we went to bed.

As I mentioned I felt a bit anxious. It went away after brunch but yeah. For the rest of it I felt happy.

A little bit of me, with a little bit of love

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 20th, 2019

To be honest, I’m writing this on april 22nd because I didn’t have the opportunity to write the past two days oops.

Anyhow,

Today I woke up quite early and started cleaning a bit. I texted my best friend what time I should meet her because we were going to have a picknick together to catch up and it was going to be beautiful weather. Before I went to her me and my mom got the groceries we needed for Easter brunch and then I went to Demi. Our plans changed because we were able to take the boat, so we went and got on the boat. One of our other friends couldn’t join us because she had to work earlier due to the good weather so we decided we would go and sail to her house. Her dad said that it would be half an hour. Well, it took us 2 hours before we got there haha. We went in the wrong direction what costed us half an hour or so and it was a little bit longer than half an hour anyways. It was very fun tho. I loved it and we catched up. 

That evening I went to my boyfriend and I gave my mother-in-law some flowers for her birthday. We went to a surprise party for a friend of ours, who got in to university, studying medicin. I am so so proud! It was a very fun night and she didn’t suspect anything. I might have drank a little bit too much vodka tho. But it was fine:)

I felt free on the water. No worries for a little bit (exept not hitting the side with the boat) and I loved seeing my friends again. Still on autopilot, but it is good (I think) that I’m aware of that.

Anyways, now I’m going to write about april 21st.

Again again, this was a little bit of me, with a little bit of love

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 19th, 2019

Today I woke up and watched some netflix. I’m watching the 4th season of Jane the Virgin and I like it a lot. When I got out of bed I took a shower and cleaned a bit. Then me and my mom went out and had lunch together. We also ran some errands and did some grocerie shopping. It was 24 degrees outside (this whole easter weekend tho) and it makes me happy. 

When we got home I watched some more netflix and then we went to my aunt to go and cuddle puppies! She has 3 little pups, the mother, and another dog. Loved it:) We drove through the nature near our house and were on the lookout for some goose chicks but we couldn’t find them. Not to take them home or anything, we just love the view of the goose families haha.

I made Thai curry and then took a nap because I was exhausted. Later this evening my brother and I watched ep.3 of season 1 of Game of Thrones, getting kinda addicted. Cleaned a litte bit more, made some music and now I’m in bed.

I got 1 grade of one of the exams I made yesterday back. It’s a 4.5. Kinda bummer. But if you compare it to the effort and time I put in studying for it it is still kinda good!! In a couple of weeks I’ll have the rematch. I didn’t get the other exam back but I have a much better feeling about that one.

I felt kinda happy today, but very absent and tired. Maybe if I go out in the sun more to get some vitamin D it will get better?

And also today, a little bit of me with a little bit of love,

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 18th, 2019

Today my alarm went off at 6.30. I had laid out everything I needed for my  exams but still I was running late. (made my bed tho). Got on the train and listened to some music. Weirdly I wasn’t even worried about my exams. I studied so little that there was no panic haha. 

The first exam was about ecosystems and behavioral biology. Fyi, I’m studying to become a teacher in Biology. It went well, I finished very quick, but then this happened. I went to look over my answers on the laptop and as soon as i went back to a question all of my multiple choice anwers were gone. They were all gone. And I couldn’t fill them in either. It just glitched. Unfortunately, the examinators where 2 old digital morons, so I had to wait for IT. In the mean time i started writing all my answers on paper. Turned out I just had to refresh the page and then it would be okay again. It sucked.

Then I had 2 hours inbetween the first and second exam so me and my classmates ate lunch and chilled out a bit. The weather was very nice today. The next exam was a disaster (which I’d expected) and i set my new record: finished within 25 minutes. oops. 

then I had to wait another 2 hours for the assesment of our group project, so we got some beers and wine and sat at the campus cafe until it was time. I mean, exams were over so it had to be celebrated:)

As far as the asessment went, my group got an 8! We were very surprised because we didn’t expect it to be so good but we were happy. Then we got another round of drinks and went outside to celebrate again.

I picked up a birthdaypresent for a friend from a friend at the trainstation, and then went home. Watched ep.2 of season 1 of Game of Thrones (I know, I’m very late but don’t blame me) and then went over to Sam to give her her birthdaypresent. She really liked it:)

Watched the last bit of The Passion and talked with some friends. Also made some music.

How I felt today? Kinda numb. I didn’t feel any panic or feelings at all for the exams and everything just kinda happened. It was very fun tho sitting outside with my classmates. 

This was a little bit of me with a little bit of love,

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 17th, 2019

Today started off with, you guessed it right, me making my bed! It’s the little things that matter the most right:) I watched some netflix and then it was time to study. Which didn’t happen. A little bit. Not enough. 

I ran some errands with my brother, like washing the car, getting some groceries and we ate in the city. I introduced him to Billie Eilish. At first I didn’t like her music, I thought she should see a psychiatre because of the crazy music videos she makes up, but lately I’m starting to appreciate her music. Actually I kinda like it:) 

I then proceeded to not study and watch netflix, play some mario kart and not study, again. I stil can’t get myself to it. It’s so frustrating but on the other hand I kinda don’t care.. I have a rematch anyway but I don’t like my mindset at the moment. So I’m trying to take care of that. 

I made dinner and then went to my boyfriend to go and watch my sister-in-law’s prom. It was lovely. After that we went to his house with some friends and watched Champions League (again) and now I’m in bed with my alarm set at 6.30 for my exams tomorrow. Let’s see how that will go.

How I felt today? Not particulairly happy. I drove in my granddad’s car and it made me emotional. I’m just very down today. I don’t really have an idea how to get over it, maybe when I see my classmates tomorrow and have some distractions. I don’t know.

Anyway, thanks for reading my struggles.

again this was a little bit of me with a little bit of love,

Esther

[dolesworld-blog]

April 16th, 2019

Let’s fall with the door in house, as we say in The Netherlands. 

Last week my grandfather died. Since then everything I’ve done has been on autopilot. I hope my solution of writing down my feelings and my days will help me get back on track, and be aware of what’s going on.

To be honest, I don’t know how I feel. I can’t place it. Sure I am happy, or sad, but mostly frustrated because I can’t place the feeling I’ve got inbetween. I hope this makes sense. I have two big exams coming up this thursday but I haven’t had the motivation to study. Not the normal no motvation, this time it’s different. 

It’s difficult because I don’t really understand how something so big can happen but time won’t ever stand still. Jeez this is going from 0 to 100 real fast haha. Welcome to my mind!! This week our house is getting painted so there are painters everywhere, which is not optimal for concentration if you have to study. I don’t know where to start. 

For the rest of the day I’ve watched some Netflix, catched up with some friends and I drove in a car made in 1986! Which I think is pretty awesome, because I thought my car was old (2001) but yeah. Cleaned the house just to not be studying, cooked diner for me and my parents, and watched a Champions League match on tv. Oh and also I started this blog.

I made a list of things I want to do everyday from now on. A few examples are making my bed (it should’ve been a habit since I was born but I fucked up), create some space in my head (through meditating etc.), and write about my day.

I don’t know if any of you will ever read this, or why I’m doing this in English.

If you’ve read this, thank you I think?

This was a little bit of me, with a little bit of love

Esther