Dolly Bird Spin

I created my first Tumblr account a decade ago with the exact same username, "dollybirdspin". You might be wondering what it means but I guess it means so many things for me. Dolly is such a pretty name and I find it so playful and sincere. Birds represent freedom, hope, and gentleness while "Spin".. well, let's just say that I keep spinning around so much I don't know what exactly I'm doing. I'm weird, that's it, I'm weird.

[dollybirdspin]

Today I learned that my dearest mother is sick. And it's not just any ordinary sickness.

I still don't know what to feel about this. I sort of anticipated this and at the same time I never thought it would come true.

[dollybirdspin]

Good morning, self.

I know you didn't get any sleep at all but you have work today so you better get your ass up and finish work today so you can go home at exactly 5:30pm. Then when you get home you sleep.

Sounds good? Good. Let's not think about her today.

[dollybirdspin]

Di mo lang alam

Na nababaliw na’ko sa iyo

Di ko na yata kaya ‘to

Ang aking lihim na pakay

[dollybirdspin]

You

I have to be blatantly honest with my purpose of creating a new Tumblr account. I’m here to burst my unfiltered emotions because I can’t help but think about them over and over again, I will blog in Filipino and English. I know I just need to tell someone or just probably blog about it since I can’t help but think about it so much. I feel like if I just put it out there, it might help me control my emotions. I know it will.

This is because of her. This incredible human being. She’s driving me nuts and she doesn’t even know I’m having these feelings towards her.

I shipped her. I shipped her to this girl we barely even know. I made it happen. They’re not together officially but she’s head over heels for this girl. She’s amazing too but the more I see HER become more in love with this girl she likes, the more I wish I never shipped them in the first place.

Here’s the thing, you might be wondering why don’t I just admit whatever this is and see where it goes. To make it clear, I DON’T. I’ve been straight all my goddamn life and I’ve had a few girl crushes here and there, but for the first time ever. I’m going crazy.. over a girl. I don’t know what but I’m thinking maybe this is just an infatuation or a phase maybe. But I don’t know. Can you help me figure this out?