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[doloreswrites305]

variations on this is just to say

I am 54 days late to suleika jaouad’s isolation journals. this is partly why i created the tumblr.  here is my variation on day 53 assignment to make your own version of william carlos williams poem called “this is just to say.” i was never a big fan of wcw-- but now during this time i’ve come to appreciate comfort in the everyday and in simple things. plus, it is just more writing practice, however terrible it is 

here are two poems:

i have hidden the barbies in a place you can't find them

and where you will probably forget about them

forgive me i can't take make believe and dress up and doll fights and the nonsense   anymore

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i ate a box of cookies from the cupboard last night and my belly hurt today

they weren't even that good but sometimes the quiet sleeping house and late hours of peace

are worth some maladaptive behaviors and belly aches heavy body, full belly today

[merulae]

Pursue the authentic—decide first what is authentic, then go after it with all your heart. Your heart, that place you don’t even think of cleaning out.

Louise Erdrich, from “Advice to Myself” in Original Fire (via merulae)

[doloreswrites305]

start at the beginning

today’s prompt from isolation journals is to “start at the beginning” and write all of the hard things that have lead you to this point.  these are things i shy away from due to embarrassment most of the time.  trying something new today

1. pyloric stenosis as a baby- everytime i drank my bottle i would throw up, i don’t remember it but my parents sure do 2. constipation and other GI issues as a baby 3. falling in the playground around 3-4 and remembering hurting myself horribly and not telling anyone because it was in my “private area” 4. wanting to have blond hair and play ariel at swim parties, but never being able to because i had black hair and was darker skinned and chubby 5. gaining weight around the 2nd grade and feeling chubby and being called chubby. 6. being called chubby by my father especially, being made to ride bikes 7. the embarrassment of never being able to do a pull up and being horrible at all the PE tests 8. having my 4th grade crush like my best friend 9. falling while running on the track and creating a lifelong scar on my left knee. 10. being made fun of by the popular girls 11. having to have my cousin come everywhere with me 12. bleeding through my pants 13. getting blacked out drunk two times 14. saying hi to shari and her acting like she didn’t know me (maybe she didn’t) 15. having a teacher find out about having sex for the first time 16. stalker boyfriends 17. childbirth x 2 18. postpartum depression 19. struggling with depression all through life 20. having an affair 21. lying to my best fried, being a general shitty person for a few months 22. breaking up a marriage 23. co-parenting fora while 24. thyroid cancer and removal -- 2 surgeries in 2 weeks 25. abusive boyfriend later husband 26. feeling like there was no reason to live 27. being pushed by my ex 28. horrible pregnancy nausea 29. losing my grandmother

i think i did not do all of it right, but getting some of these embarrassing things out there is good

[doloreswrites305]

i still want to be a writer

i always thought i’d be a writer. for most of my 20s i was an activist-- sometimes paid sometimes not.  somehow the more i organized, the less i was able to write.  there are so many revolutionaries that were both writers/creative and also organized for change.  but somehow i could not do both. the more i was grounded in reality the less i was able to create. 

looking back, most of the silence, the lack of inspiration was related to my own lack of being honest with myself.  i hid my self, my truth, my views for fear or rejection.  now in my 30s i find myself still working on “speaking my truth” of reminding myself that my voice is valuable, that I matter, and that i can contribute to the world, to beauty, to justice even if on a tiny level.

so i decided today to start this tumblr. i don’t even know who uses tumblr anymore, but i realized i don’t write in a notebook and so i need a place that i am more likely to actually write and that most likely no one will read. 

taking steps to authenticity, to moving forward, to radical self-acceptance.