get it? flukes? vent blog? of a dolphin? flukes?

vent blog of @dolphinrostrums | it/its, she/her | the joke is that the end of the tail of a dolphin has these things called flukes and fluke is another word for something that wasn't meant to be. that was dumb luck. usually in a bad way. in case you didn't get it. please laugh

[dolphinflukes]

vent blog of @dolphinrostrums. go there for coherency and less whining. (but still lots of whining tbh)

we're bodily a young adult by human standards. we use it/its and she/her. our labels are, frankly, none of your beeswax, but for future reference, we frequently use (depending on the day):

intersex, transgender (transfem, interdemigirl, intergender), gay (gay, lesbian, gaybian, abrorose, aegorose, aroallo, loveless aro, heartless aro), aplatonic (plato-averse, plato-repulsed)

we're also physically disabled and use multiple different mobility aids. we've got ASPD and NPD for 100% certain, about 85% on an AvPD/SzPD double whammy combo that flips back and forth in presentation based on outside circumstances and may as well be one disorder (as we experience it), polyfragmented & programmed DID, C-PTSD (obv), autism, ADHD, and schizophrenia

we're plural. we have polyfragmented and programmed DID. we're also mixed origins. almost the entirety of the Old Guard (primarily active 2021 - 2023/24, secondarily active through present day) is spiritually based (mostly soulbonds) with few exceptions. at least one headmate has multiple tulpas

we're an OEA survivor and we have several sidesystems that come directly from just the OEA. we were turned into a weredog during that same time period.

alongside being a weredog, we were born as a porpoise, then stuffed into a "human" suit that was actually made up of alien and dolphin. and being a weredog has led to us being a shapeshifter in general. it's... complicated.

we go on tangents a lot. sometimes stuff will be super serious, sometimes it'll be super petty. sometimes it'll rapidly flip back and forth. we tend to add a lot of addendums in reblogs, and you're only getting a quarter of the full post on average if you never read the tags because we go on tangents in there too.

we'll tag as needed, except for #tw vent because the venting is the whole point of the blog. we also won't tag our physical nonhumanity (whether as a cetacean or as a weredog or as a shapeshifter or as an alien) as unreality, you're better off blocking us instead of demanding us trigger ourselves by labeling ourselves and our experiences as fake on our own blog for your personal comfort. you're coming into our house uninvited you could have the decency to leave if you don't like it instead of telling us how ugly you think the carpet is and how we're evil for not having a carpet you personally like

#original posts #reblog #self reblog

#petty vent #moderate vent #heavy vent

#blog upkeep #intro post

[dolphinflukes]

we want to use AAC we want to not talk with mouth words we want to never talk with mouth words we want only mouth words to be singing, because singing is and feels different from speaking and is just mimicry. so many are so violently ableist if you technically can speak but struggle in some manner, whether it's because "you can speak so i can pretend you're no different from us and abuse you" or because "you can speak so i can pretend you have the same amount of privilege as people who can speak with no difficulty" and i am

i am so mad

i am so mad that no matter what we do our struggles will be seen as fake and unreasonable one way or another

i am so mad that we do not use AAC because we will be seen as unreasonable and dramatic if we do. not technically "can not" because technically could if we were willing to weather the social consequences but we aren't because those consequences are "will not be taken seriously as disabled"

i am so mad that we can't just say what we are because we are convinced people will see it and track us down and insist that we are wrong when they don't know who we are or anything about us

because we can type well enough when we feel like and can be eloquent when typing/writing but SPEAKING. SPEAKING is hard. SPEAKING is a fucking nightmare. have to think for a long time, have to script. we can come up with bullshit and bullshit and bullshit till the cows come home but it's conveying simple ideas with big words to hide the fact that we can't convey big ideas in speech. we can talk like "normal person" under pressure but that is because the words are put under pressure, and we just lose our words faster and for longer later.

and our speech has only gotten WORSE in the past years! only gotten harder!

ARGH!

[dolphinflukes]

i am more and more convinced of my lack of worth to the only people i want to be worth anything to.

i mourn, i mourn, i mourn, i mourn, i mourn.

i am a parasite.

[dolphinflukes]

literally fucking eeeeverything is working against BD's recovery right now istr. just saw someone describing the big three paras as the "evil paras" and i might actually kill someone because Holy Shit.

[dolphinflukes]

holy shit we feel like we have literally nowhere to go as a recovering radqueer. we have nowhere for support. which especially sucks when we have a sidesystem (and one headmate in particular) who's trying to drag us BACK there. like, i swear, every recovering radqueer blog we find is either:

- anti para (we are a paraphile. also some of the anti-contact "pro para" people have extremely strict rules on what "counts" as "actually anti-contact", which would require us to stop seeing multiple members of our family and give up our pets in spite of us 100% Not being a danger to them) - anti endo (we are multi origins with a sidesystem that's almost entirely spiritual) - anti [dark]ship (we use darkshipping, both writing AND READING (meaning it has to be PUBLICLY AVAILABLE for us to find it, aka no "coping in private"), to cope with our trauma & SAFELY engage with our paraphilias) - pro transID (we have complicated feelings on some transIDs, but we are overall against them for Reasons) - inactive - multiple of the above

AND THEN!!! there's the so many radqueer blogs IN THE RECOVERING RADQUEER TAGS!!!!

and ofc. the reason for this latest relapse (with the headmate who is now engaging in that community, who had been able to avoid it for a day maximum) is because someone we follow, someone we respected, said they were neutral on the matter. and we try to be so so so fucking careful to only follow anti-RQs to avoid relapse, and so it just hurts extra that it was someone we respected.

[dolphinflukes]

there's something wrong with me. i can't believe this. why can't i just hate her? why can't i just wish she were dead? why do i still have to want it?

[dolphinflukes]

kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself. that's OUR guy go fucking die. die die die. either give me an apology or stop existing. i fucking swear.

[dolphinflukes]

i hate that we shared our interests with her :/ istr if she's still fucking playing spingame.

at least it's not smart enough for spingame+. at least there's that. but seas and fucking peaks man. can't keep one thing to ourselves can we. just haaaave to talk about shit. ugh

[dolphinflukes]

bitch ass motherfucking coward. wahhh wahhh wahhh you don't know how to apologize so instead you go radio silent for three fckin months and then block us. "i read a book about autism so i know better about you than you" "hey what??" "sorry. [5 hours later] but really i do actually know better about you than you based on information outdated by over a year" "dude that's fucked up to say. i'm going to explain why and try to be nice about it but seas and fucking peaks what the hell" [crickets for 3 months] [suddenly leaves all servers we have in common] [blocks us]

like wowwwwwww so matureeeeee. this really says you want to be better and be friends with people <2 this really says you understand how your actions affect people <2 do you want a cookie??? do you want an ice cream sundae?????

keep going back and forth on whether or not we might actually be in the wrong but every time we look at the inciting incident we get hit with a brick of "dude wtf how could she say that and still think she's in the right". good riddance. rostrum in fins ruk's ROT.

[dolphinflukes]

i mean yeah of course we're the least wanted lol of course we're the least important person. of course we're not thought about beyond fleeting moments lmfao we don't bring any worth to the table! we're sickening to behold, why would we ever ever ever expect to be wanted?

we're a disappointment to everyone and everything. we never should've tried to get involved with others. we're a Rotten piece of shit.

[dolphinflukes]

seas and fucking peaks what the fuck does "harmful transIDs" mean. obv transharm[ed/ful] etc count (although we have complicated feelings/opinions on "transtrauma" folks, since wanting trauma is a sign of severe trauma, especially trauma from gaslighting--we think it's a shitty term, but we can have sympathy for the people who identify under it), most people are including transracial (as in, "transitioning to a different race", not the original definition referring to adoptees), but like.

what else are they including. or rather, what counts as nonharmful transID. shit like "transeyecolor" is whatever and transplural (not transDID/OSDD) just seems like an alternative word for tulpamancy/willomancy, but do you think transspecies is a "harmful transID"? even though transspecies has a long fucking history before rad/queer shit ever started? even though a lot of anti-transspecies shit is rooted in saneism and ableism, especially towards psychotic individuals? do you think transintersex is "nonharmful", even though you cannot transition to intersex (intersex isn't a body type, and to say you can "transition to intersex" is a fundamental misunderstanding of what intersex means--it implies that people with invisible intersex variations aren't actually intersex and that IGM can actually turn someone perisex, which are both intersexist as fuck)?

just. what the fuck does "harmful transID" mean. what is the definition. what are you guys trying to say is bad. where are you drawing the line.

[dolphinflukes]

like. we're definitely 100% a PWSD but also we are a humpback whale. and like. fuck. melon in fucking fiiiins. i hate that things have to be complicated!!! why can't i just be a lag!!! why do i also have to be a whale!!! why did they do this to us! why were we ever made into such a fucking abomination!

and our handlers made it fucking worse than it already was. because they turned is into a fucking werecaniform! on TOP of being a PWSD that was spliced with a humpback whale calf and then turned into a human! what the fuck man???

it just further emphasizes the answer we got when we questioned what are we. the answer? something that never should have existed.

[dolphinflukes]

seas and peaaaaakkkksssss i feel so dramatic. or weird. i feel like i'm constantly changing things up. i feel like i'm unpredictable and everyone sees me as a fraud because i'm constantly "changing my mind". i'm NOT changing my mind this is consistent with previous feelings i just never talked about them.

but of course they could just be talking about me behind my back. it's not like they know me at all. they probably think i'm an annoying piece of shit. they probably regret ever getting to know me.

[dolphinflukes]

that post is not about me that post is not about me that post is not about meeee. just because it's on my dash doesn't mean it's aimed at me. it's very obviously a mutual dealing with their own shit. it doesn't apply because you did your best to communicate while having a meltdown and your ex still decided to be shitty. ignore ignore ignore <2 it's not a sign especially since you weren't even thinking about it before you saw it <2 it just upset you because your ex convinced you you were shit at communicating even though she made it next to impossible to communicate because she'd make herself the victim, meanwhile refusing to communicate with you, and then just recently she completely refused to listen to any criticism and all of her criticism was basically just "you're faking lol but i totally think you're validdddd <3 still faking but your feelings are valid you're validddd <3 i don't want to tell you you're wrong but you can't take criticism (read: completely ignoring everything you have to say and projecting my own feelings and experiences onto you) and are also faking but you're validddddd <3" those posts aren't about meeeeeeee they're not a sign that i'm secretly evil and abusive and evil and they're not my mutual trying to tell me these things because it's obvious they're reblogging them trying to work through their own shit that has literally 0 to do with me