How to be a proper dom? There's anything specific or you just are?
(Edit: if any of this is appealing to you, the reader, feel free to get in touch.
However, for the google-impaired, I'm demisexual, which means that I will never want you sexually unless we've spent months enjoying life together, the devotion is mutual, and you're very good at saying the right things. Do keep that in mind, you delightful horny bastards <3).
It varies person to person-- every assertive personality has their own criteria for "proper dom." And so do subs, which they're entitled to. The interesting part is finding two sets of criteria that puzzle-piece together in a mutually beneficial way.
Specifically I, (in no order of importance. Note that almost none of these traits are inherently sexual)
1. Command respect through my actions and acuity. Brute force, wealth, etc, would never be as fulfilling for me. Respectability and worth start inside, not outside.
(This includes dom/sub not being attached to physical traits. For some people they are, that's fine, like what you like. But I'll make sure that big beefy subs and short twiggy doms get a word in too. It starts inside, not outside.)
2. Believe people should be judged and rewarded/reprimanded based on their treatment of others. Careful use of words is a big part of this.
3a. Give aftercare, always. You monsters. We get it, you're hard. But letting a trusting soul rot in silence isn't being a dom, it's abusive. Fantasies and power trips should never eat up someone's life and sanity if they're unhappy.
3b. Respect sexual boundaries in both directions as they change in real time. Not all subs are punching bags, not all doms can compartmentalize high-energy punishment (I know I can't). Just because they're a dom does not mean they don't need aftercare too. Communicate honestly and be upfront 24/7 regarding sexual health and well-being. As a demisexual myself, I know my relationship will one day be very monogamous and very intense. I won't ever pick someone who wouldn't be fulfilled by that-- another boundary.
4. Do what I want. In the end it's always going to be on my schedule. If I don't want to spend time on something I simply won't.
5. Protect myself and mine. I have aĀ frigid veneer that freezes out anyone who rubs me the wrong way. And I won't turn a blind eye to people who hurt my friends and family. One of my greatest assertive moves is to simply never speak to someone again. I remove myself from annoying or troublesome situations and I'm always the better for it (people who treat others badly should never be surprised by the fact that nobody wants to spend any time around them).
6. Shape my world to suit my needs. I think this one is fairly ubiquitous among doms. A desire to mold their environment into something that pleases them. As such I surround myself with people who are worth my time, and items and projects that bring me joy. And one day a man, my greatest treasure.
7. Better myself through learning. Control isn't easy, but you can arm yourself with knowledge to handle many kinds of situations and problems.
8. Believe the worst person I can lie to is myself. Follow your self-code dutifully and don't make self-code compromises for people or situations which aren't worth your energy or time.
9. Pay attention to my mistakes and the mistakes of others. Instead of wallowing in shame or berating/blaming others, own your mistakes and use that wisdom to make better decisions in the future.
10. Don't engage in risky or unhealthy behaviors that would endanger me or the people I care about (you'd think this one would be obvious). As an assertive person it's important to be a dependable pillar for the people you care about. And you can't do that if you're intoxicated, unconscious, injured, or dead.
10. Addendum: 8/7/23 Am going to include healthful eating here, as long term mistreatment of your body can severely inhibit your ability to take care of yourself, let alone somebody else. Acknowledge that many foods are ridiculously processed specifically to promote dangerous overconsumption, then put in the extra effort to protect yourself and your health. This was the best decision I ever made, full stop. And one day my man will be fed only foods I make by hand with wisely-exercised control of added ingredients. Take control of your diet and donāt fall victim to this kind of disgusting and manipulative business practice.
11. Know my worth is not and will never be determined by anyone or anything other than myself and my choices, my love, my story.Ā
12: addendum: Approach life in a fun, less serious way. Approach how I feel in each moment with diligence and conviction. Better I should enjoy this experience and scrub out people and situations that do not serve me, at speed.
So! There are some general points on my personal compass. I think doms follow their compass needles more vehemently than others. Subs also have these codes and compasses, and when they connect properly in a way that gives mutual support (Dom wants to protect, sub wants protection. Sub wants to provide, dom wants provisions, etc.) the sub's compass should end up pointing in the same direction as the dom's. It's a bit of a convoluted metaphor but it makes sense to me.
In short, be respectful and earn respect as an assertive person and you'll have everything you need to know what kind of person you need and how you'll support each other.
Edit: 2025, Iāll leave it as is because itās good to see how people grow and change. I donāt really think such a list is necessary, but it was a fun way to try to understand myself at the time of writing it. Nobody can be one thing all the time. We all flow and do what feels right at the time. We make the best decisions that we can in each moment and we live. Thatās all that matters.
