Hi, fairly new to this fandom, and I was thinking of something, when I came across some of your posts. I think what Doumeki meant, when he said "it's my body, my life." to Yashiro and Nanahara, was that he doesn't blame Yashiro nor pointing fingers at anyone he dive in further to become a certified Yakuza. Of course, we the audience know he's reason was Yashiro, but even so he wants him to know, by saying so, that Yashiro is NOT to be blame. It was his decision to stay. I know you said it must felt like betrayal on Yashiro's part, since he really wanted Doumeki out, and therefore, disrespectfully, tossed away his help. Like a rebelious son going against his parents' wishes. And probably the way he said it or his tone, Doumeki's words felt like a fucking stab to the heart. But this is only Yashiro's thinking. In a way, Yashiro doesn't see pass his own reasoning, and just blame himself altogether. I get this was because of his 30 yr of living in trauma and being tangled by, everytime, with violence in the Yakuza world, but he also seem to discard other people feelings, even though he can be perceptive. Also I don't think Doumeki is being cruel or cold, he has been quite courteous to Yashiro, in Yashiro's own language, like how Ryuuzaki used to treat him, since I remember something like how Doumeki looked at Ryuuzaki was like a raging jealousy. Anyway, I think the miss here is that Doumeki is really in the dark of Yashiro. Inami being in the mix was what set him off... because prior to the call, he was quite the old Doumeki, guarding him, cathing his fall...And this time, Doumeki is the one asking him not to get involve and get hurt in the process. But Yashiro wants the money more I guess? The hand shaking at the end of 46, must be because how the table turned around... everything happened too fast, too soon, like a blaring light when he was living in the dark, being impotent, seeing Doumeki, and even came from Doumeki's short touches... it shook him up some much, like LIFE suddenly came back to him.
Hi, and thanks for the ask!
That's an interesting theory, that Doumeki was attempting to reassure Yashiro that he hadn't joined the Yakuza as a result of anything Yashiro did. It definitely makes sense. Given his apparent tone, it came across as a statement of defiance though, so I suppose that's where the assumption comes in, that he meant it as 'you don't get to tell me what to do anymore', etc... I don't think Yashiro feels so much like Doumeki's continued involvement with the yakuza is a betrayal of him and his efforts to keep him out, but more that he probably just feels like his suffering these past four years has been pointless, like he gave Doumeki up for no reason, has had to live with the misery of his own loneliness and wrecked self-identity and all it amounted to was Doumeki still being involved in such a dangerous and violent world. I don't think Yashiro is angry at Doumeki at all for throwing his chance to get out away, but probably just more upset at himself and his own failure.
I think it's hard for Yashiro to understand WHY Doumeki would want to remain in the yakuza, because of his own experience with that world, and the way he, and most people, were forced into it, rather than choosing to be a part of it. Yashiro's life was essentially stolen from him by Misumi, and he was forced, through lies and manipulation, to become essentially a criminal. Yashiro sees Doumeki has a family that cares about him, a mother and sister who want him in their lives, and given that's something Yashiro himself never had, he just can't relate to why Doumeki would willingly toss that aside to stay in such a corrupt, power hungry world, or to stay with Yashiro himself, when Yashiro sees himself as a worthless person. Rather than discarding Doumeki's feelings or not considering them, I would say Yashiro is just so convinced of his own worthlessness, that he assumed Doumeki's love for him had to be an infatuation, and that eventually he would be able to move on from it. He compares Doumeki to a baby bird that's imprinted onto the first thing it saw, which was him, and so he thinks Doumeki will be alright without him. So, more than dismissing Doumeki's feelings, I think it's rather just Yashiro's own, warped self-perception that made it so difficult for him to believe Doumeki genuinely loved the real him, or needed him. Doumeki's remained in the yakuza it seems solely in an attempt to stay close to Yashiro, not because he had any burning desire to actually BE a yakuza. So, really, I think it was just Yashiro not understanding how much Doumeki really loved him, again, because he doesn't see himself as a person worthy of love.
As for Doumeki's demeanor, it's almost certainly affected, meaning he's only pretending to be cold and distant. You're right that his discovery that Inami is still in Yashiro's life didn't help matters. I would say Doumeki was acting pretty distant even before than though, just in terms of his aloofness and curt responses to Yashiro. But, again, since it's almost certainly an act, when he feels like Yashiro is in trouble, he has a kind of knee jerk response, like catching him in the shower, because of course that's how he REALLY feels. He cares about Yashiro. The same as during their sexual encounter in Yashiro's apartment, when he nearly reached out to comfort him, but then stopped himself. Those are the sorts of clues that let us know Doumeki doesn't really feel as cold toward Yashiro as he's pretending to be.
And yes, I think Doumeki's sudden reentry into Yashiro's life and all it entails has left Yashiro feeling shaken and uncertain. He'd walked away from the hope that Doumeki offered him, for better or for worse. He'd accepted that loss as part of his life now, and the pain that went with it. So to suddenly have all of that turned on its head and to be freshly faced with all the feelings of that past relationship, to be faced with the same emotions which before drove him so close to the edge, and with everything he sacrificed to keep Doumeki safe, to find out he's been suffering these past, four years for basically nothing, that no doubt has left Yashiro feeling like he's standing on unsteady ground.
