Not really sure what brought me back to Tumblr a few years later. I think it’s because I know no one is looking at this but at the same time, I needed to let my feelings out somewhere...
I’ve had this issue for 2 years now and have told my friends about it. Eventually, it’s come to a point where telling people doesn’t help. No one understands.
For the last 2 years, I have been happily dating the same person. He makes me extremely happy- we do everything together and we never get tired of it. We tell each other how much we love each other and show our feelings in different ways. But then I started to notice... that i can count the times he complemented me on my looks on one hand (to be specific, 3 fingers).
Around our first anniversary, I noticed that he has only complemented me once before. It was on Valentines and he said I looked good in my dress. Why did it take me a year to really notice? Probably because that was the last thing on my mind. We were happy. We argued, but we fixed it. So I decided to “test him out”. I know any guy reading this is probably scoffing and thinking this was typical of a girl like me but hear me out... I didn’t want to test him because I wanted him to just know how I felt. It was more because I didn’t want to flat out tell him to complement me. If i had done that, I wouldn’t feel like the complement was genuine.. that he was only doing it because I asked.
So I waited and waited... months pass. I would get sad by myself on the bus... in bed.. getting slightly teary. Did my boyfriend not think I was attractive? Sure, a part of my knew “why would he date me for so long if he didn’t think I was attractive”. But then other thoughts came into my head, maybe I used to be more attractive... maybe I became less attractive because of my weight gain. So I consulted some of my best girl friends.. they all told me I was being silly and to just tell my boyfriend that it was making me upset. But they didn’t understand... it’s not that he got used to our relationship and stopped complementing me... he really just never did.
Eventually, I told him. I probably started crying because I’m a cry baby... he told me “of course I think you’re attractive... I’m sorry, I’ll try”. This triggered me... it just felt like I was fishing for complements. Anyone with low self-esteem like me hates doing shit like that. It just feels like you’re asking for it. But anyways months pass again... he doesn’t complement me. At this point I’m just angry. Angry and sad. So I confront him a few times over the next few months and he apologizes and tells me he’s just not used to complementing people. The thing is... I understand where he’s coming from. I’m not very affectionate myself but I I just became more sad because he wasn’t trying hard at all to make his girlfriend happy. Saying just 1 complement would send me through the roof and to lalaland... but nope, nothing happened.
Fast forward to now. He tried a few months ago.. I remember it slightly.. we were in the pool during summer and I jumped in with my Curry jersey on. He told me I looked cute, most likely behind I was soaked. Of course, I’m not used to this so I just shyly shook it off. I thought it was improvement but that was months ago and I haven’t heard anything since.
So again, instead of confronting him I just started crying one day. This is something I don’t think of 24/7 but when it comes up, I get so upset. Then I came to a realization- it’s not happening Donna. You either accept it or you break up. Can you live with this for the rest of your life? Because nothing is going to change.
So I forced myself to accept it. I told my boyfriend that it was OK to not complement me. That if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, he didn’t have to try (of course I would still love to hear it). This was a genuine conclusion I came up with. He treats me so well and I know how much he cares and I didn’t want to let this relationship go because the pros definitely outweigh the cons here. A huge part of me still just doesn’t feel attractive to him but I told myself I wouldn’t bring it up to anyone anymore, especially him. All my friends just tell me I’m crazy and he just gives me the same answer everything. I know that he just doesn’t think about it all the time but I wish that if he ever thought at some moment I looked cute (waking up in bed, cooking him food, making a stupid joke) that he would say it out loud. But instead, I never hear it.
Even though the most logical conclusion here is just to think “Of course he thinks you’re cute, he’s been with you for 2 years” my heart tells me he’s with me because I make him smile, how I treat him, my personality. But a huge part of me thinks if he was dating some really cute or hot girl, he would definitely be able to express it to her. Now I don’t think he thinks I’m ugly but I also don’t think he thinks I’m attractive. I know that the next time I hear a complement from him would be on our wedding day (if we get married).
It’s just sad because when I hear complements from anyone else, guy or girl, I remember it for weeks because I get so happy.
Hope no one is reading this... I’m embarrassed now lol.
