[dontloseyourself]

this is a vent blog! i just needed a safe space to talk about my struggles with my ed, bpd, sh and etc, please don't report me.

i have no intention of promoting my own behavior, if you're new here, turn around now, hit that block button and don't look back, i promise you it's the best decision you'll ever make.

i'll always encourage recovery, but if you're not ready yet that's ok, let's talk harm reduction instead! i also don't post spo or any actual tips, like i said, i'm just here to vent.

feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to!

(minors dni)

[dontloseyourself]

this morning my dad said he put my wallet on my backpack so i wouldn't forget it..... he put it right in the pocket where my cigs are..... and he didn't say anything??? i guess he accepted the fact im a smoker lol

[dontloseyourself]

venting on the gc and they left me on read............. yep that will do it

[dontloseyourself]

im genuinely scared of myself right now bc i might actually go through with it

[dontloseyourself]

bpd ruined my life. i hate my brain, i fucking hate this stupid disorder, i can't handle it anymore

[dontloseyourself]

i went to pride yesterday and it was such a good day, until i saw my ex with another girl and my reaction was absolute ridiculous, i cried and i cried and i ruined everyone's night bc i can't fucking handle my emotions, i'm a fucking joke, i just couldn't stop crying and i don't even understand why, i genuinely thought i was over it, i thought i was fine, but no, i had to ruin everything for everyone, my friend had to drop everything to take care of me and she said it was ok but i can tell it wasn't, the whole thing was a shit show

[dontloseyourself]

i fucking hate myself, i look in the mirror and what i feel is pure pure despise, disgust, i genuinely believe people would be better off without me

[dontloseyourself]

i seriously don't remember the last time ive been this suicidal, i might actually go through with it this time

[dontloseyourself]

today my therapist told me to forgive myself for my mother's mistakes and that broke me

[dontloseyourself]

i started getting dizzy in class and my head started to hurt really badly and i guess i closed my eyes for a moment bc my professor literally stopped mid sentence to ask if i was alright bc apparently it looked like i was gonna pass out, i tried to play it cool but she told me to go get some air and some water so i did, right? less than a minute later my friend comes after me bc the professor told her to check if i was good and i told her it was just a migraine, but then she asked the question. when was the last time you ate? i couldn't tell her it was last night, so i said this morning and laughed it off, she kind of laughed too but like, in a concerned way, then she said a few things about 3 meals a day blah blah blah, stuff im sick of hearing so i just said i was feeling better and we went back to class. anyway im home now and im def not feeling better but its kind of??? validating???? it kind of makes me feel???? good???? why am i like this lol

[dontloseyourself]

oh i gotta love feeling like my friends hate me and secretly wish i would just go away, such a fun feeling/s

[dontloseyourself]

well i guess i could text my therapist

[dontloseyourself]

i am fully aware that if i keep going the way i am i will end up either in a psych ward or in a hospital bed but i really dont know what to do

[dontloseyourself]

i barely sleep during the week and then on weekends i pass out for 15 hours, i starve and then binge on trash, i have been doubling, sometimes even tripling, the dosage of my adhd meds just so i can handle uni and work (and those aren't even my only responsibilities). my derealization is getting worse every day and i dont feel like im in control of my body anymore, not to mention that i've been having really bad thoughts, to the point of fantasizing about getting in an accident so i dont have to actively hurt myself. my whole body aches, my brain is foggy and i wanna cry of exhaustion but im too exhausted to cry. i wanna talk to someone about this but i feel so alone, i feel like no one cares, i kind of want someone to just. look at me. if you just look at me you're gonna see something is wrong, please just look at me please just SEE ME

[dontloseyourself]

i am fully aware that if i keep going the way i am i will end up either in a psych ward or in a hospital bed but i really dont know what to do

[dontloseyourself]

about 20 days ago half my hand went numb and i started losing strength on my fingers, then my ring and little fingers locked in a weird position and im unable to open them all the way, from those fingers all the way to my elbow its constantly tingly and in the last week it started to hurt really badly, i went to the hospital and the doc told me to look for an orthopedist and get an ultrasound of my elbow done, im broke, but i do live in a country w free healthcare so i was trying to get it done using said free healthcare, the problem is they are really slow bc of the high demand (im still grateful we have it dont get me wrong) and the pain is only getting worse, i dont wanna have to wait months for it so im gonna have to pay. im frustrated and genuinely scared this is something that its gonna take more than just a few pills to fix it, does anyone ever heard of something like this? or experienced it? the doc i saw said something about the ulnar nerve, im trying to bandage my arm from like my elbow to my fingers so it works as a kind of splint but it doesnt help w the pain

[dontloseyourself]

i am insane but not in a haha way in a i need to be institutionalized way

[dontloseyourself]

i have 20 pages to read it is 9:21pm i really need to sleep and i cant focus for my dear life help