So, I’ve not posted here in a while, and… I don’t even know where to begin. I think most everyone’s lives have gotten a bit intense and problematic over the last eighteen months or so, but… yeah, I’ve been feeling it pretty hard and it’s kinda wrecked my ability to create.
I’ve spent the better part of the last eighteen months trying to keep my elderly mother safe from the virus. I wore a mask before they were mandated, wore gloves, wiped down everything that came into the house, scrubbed my hands with chlorhexidine wash, got vaccinated as soon as I was eligible; I may or may not have googled the legality of turning the water hose on people who were continually confused by how far away six feet was. I ranted, I stressed, I got a crash course in vegetarian cooking when supply issues and store limits made finding food I could safely eat difficult (because food allergies/intolerances.) I did the best I could with everything.
And I succeeded. Neither one of us got covid. But then, toward the end of this past July and straight on through August… things just went to shit.
My mom passed away a month ago. Cancer, most likely, even though they were never able to get a biopsy or further testing done (basically, it grew like cancer, it behaved like cancer; but as far as what type it was, or where it started… I’ll never know.) She died almost exactly one month after they found the mass. Everything just happened so fast. I’d always heard horror stories of people suddenly getting sick, finding out they have cancer, and then dying a matter of weeks later; but, I never thought it would happen to someone I love.
Also? It’s hell. I don’t know how else to describe it.
The pandemic affected her care, too. Her last month on Earth was miserable. She was in and out of hospitals with no visitation policies, struggled to get beds, being given bad news and put through painful procedures (arterial blood gas tests, chest tubes, catheters, etc.) while she was completely alone. By the time they finally did let me in to see her (and mainly because they needed me to make medical decisions for her as she was no longer able,) she was dying. We had no time, no chance to really talk, or even say goodbye. All I could do is hold her hand until the end came.
My life is in shambles right now. I’m no stranger to grief - I lost my dad when I was 16, my grandmother at 19 - but this has been something else. There’s grief from the loss; there’s the trauma of being separated from her in her time of need; there’s the trauma of literally watching her die. I was closer to my mom than I ever was any other family member and I am crushed beyond belief. Nothing feels right at the moment. I’m still in shock. I still wake up in the morning expecting her to be there. Everything just happened so damned fast.
I’m exhausted, too. I’m basically doing nothing but focusing on self-care and slowly trying to clean and downsize things. I’m the only one left to take care of her final business, too (but that’s on hold until I get death certificates back.) I still need to move, and I’m hoping I’ll be ready to do so in about 5-6 months. Our hopes of renovating the old trailer I bought is likely not happening now. I’m probably going to try to resell it and buy a used RV to live in (the land is paid for, there’s a septic, water lines, etc. All I lack is an electric pole.) I bought an e-bike to help me get around on good days, set up grocery delivery, etc. I’m doing the best I can for now.
I’m trying to get back to doing some art and writing, as it’s always been a very potent act of self-care for me, but… things might be weird for a while. And very slow. I don’t know what form my art will take, there may be more crackfic since I seem to write it better when I’m sad, etc. Just… bear with me, I guess?
