Seconds of Adolescence @doozyasm - Tumblr Blog

Hello again, sweet dream.

It’s the second time you appear in my dream. I forgot the first one but I remember that it’s always sweet. But this time, it’s totally different. It’s like, so f-ing real, but I know it was impossible.

You came. After…I don’t know, maybe 6 years? I haven’t seen you since then. And our breakup was the worst I’ve ever had. We haven’t got in touch, even in social media.

It’s on my graduation day. Tapi bukan wisuda. Aku ingat disitu ada temen-temen sd sampai kuliah. Lengkap. And they’re like, know each other. I remember you are one with the crowds, but I can see you right away. Aku terlalu syok untuk liat kamu ada di situ. Mungkin berapa kali bergumam, “OMG. Omg. O. M. G.” Lalu kamu tersenyum, dan menghampiri aku yang masih terpaku akan ketidakmungkinan kehadiran kamu. Kamu selipkan surat di tanganku, lalu pergi.

Aku baca surat itu. Mulai dari apa kabar, selamat, sampai mengingat masa-masa kita dulu. But then I remember, ada semacam angket pertanyaan yg jawabannya “i do, i don’t” dan sebagainya. Aku lupa isi pertanyaannya apa, yang pasti masih ada hubungannya dengan aku dan kamu. Aku jawab via email. And I agree to see you again. Lalu kamu baca dan akhirnya kita bertemu lagi.

Aku merasa itu di kampus, tapi kampus yang bukan kampus aku saat ini. Totally different. Kita ketemu, kita ngobrol mulai dari, “Aku gendutan ya dari terakhir kita ketemu?” Lalu kamu jawab sambil tertawa keras “ya!” Apa yang kita bahas? Aku lupa. Yang pasti, mengingat mulai dari masa-masa kita masih bersama, putus, hingga perjalanan kita masing-masing sampai saat ini. We laughed at our childish behavior back then. We laughed at our ridiculous friends. We laughed and talked about everything. Kita ngobrol, ngobrol, dan terus ngobrol dari satu tempat ke tempat lain. Aku pun ingat tatapan dan bisikan temen-temen aku di saat kita jalan berdampingan dari satu tempat ke tempat lain. Kampus, dimana kamu ketemu temen-temen aku, aku kenalin, dan mereka bilang “cakep ya”. Kosan aku, di mana kamu tidur-tiduran di kasur aku sambil ngobrol gak ada hentinya sampai ketemu sama papah, dan aku bilang “pah, kenalin ini temen smp ade.” dan papah totally chill about you. Kita ngobrol, ketawa, ngobrol, ketawa, it was so much fun.

But then, it’s time. You got to go. You got to end these conversations. Kamu pamit. Kita saling berterima kasih atas hari ini. You smiled, and leave.

Good bye.

Thank you, A.

Mungkin mimpi terenak yang pernah aku alami di mana berakhir dengan sangat baik. Like I said, it feels so real, but it’s still impossible to be happen in real life. But thank you. It was worth the time.

This sentence. Ugh.

Not in the mood for editing anything rn, so thanks musixmatch.

Best Mistake by Ariana Grande feat. Big Sean How soon do we forget How we felt Dealing with emotions That never left Playing with the hand that We were dealt In this game Maybe I'm the sinner And you're the saint Gotta stop pretending What we ain't Why we pointing fingers Anyway When we're the same Break up, make up Total waste of time Can we please make up Our minds And stop acting like we're blind 'Cause if the water dries up, and the moon stops shining Stars fall, and the world goes blind Boy, you know I'll be saving my love for you, For you 'Cause you're the best mistake I've ever made But we hold on, hold on There's no pot of gold in the rainbows we chase But we hold on, hold on [Big Sean:] I guess time's wasting Tick-tocking, lip locking How can we keep the feelings fresh? How do we zip lock it? Wear your heart up on your sleeve So watch out for pick pockets I guess to go the distance We might need to pit stop it Hold up I know love can be a beach with no shore I done count to ten, lost my temper and went back to four I know sometimes it's hard to realize I'm the man that you need I had a dream we branched out Started a family tree And I feel like that everything we do is overdue You ask why I love your mom so much 'Cause she's an older you I wish that you were happy I guess that's the one thing I should be providing Ain't no number twos we both ones of ones And we the oddest couple only human Except you, you a goddess Only lying to you when I lie it down just being honest When you start as friends it's hard to say you're never going back If I'm not the one then I'm the best mistake you ever had Break up, make up Total waste of time Can we please make up Our minds And stop acting like we're blind 'Cause if the water dries up, and the moon stops shining Stars fall, and the world goes blind Boy, you know I'll be saving my love for you, for you 'Cause you're the best mistake I've ever made But we hold on, hold on There's no pot of gold in the rainbows we chase But we hold on, hold on, yeah You're, You're, You're, You're, mmm I'll be saving my love for you, for you You're, You're, You're, You're, mmm I'll be saving my love for you, for you

#my everything #ariana grande #big sean #best #mistake

Miss you, pah.

No matter how much I hate you, you'll always be my father. You're the best father I could have, despite your uncontrolled temper, yellings, and pride. This morning you called me, don't you know that it's been weeks since I've waited for your call? You asked those simple questions like how am I what am I doing this weekend. And the most touching part is when you said that you're sorry you haven't called me and visited me for weeks, and you said that you're concerned of my condition that the last time you saw me I was sick and I have to fight on my own. You said you're sorry for being so busy these days. Idk but this made me cry. A lot. More like a relief kind of tears that you still remember me. I'm happy that you have someone who can take care of you there even though I'm not haply being with them. It's okay. As long as you're healthy and happy. I can't lose one more of my family member. I miss our quality time. I miss going out with you, just the two of us, so that we can forget our stress. I miss our times. I miss you. Love you.

If You Could See Me Now It was February 14 Valentine's Day The roses came but they took you away Tattooed on my arm is a charm to disarm all the harm Gotta keep myself calm but the truth is you're gone And I'll never get to show you these songs Dad you should see the tours that I'm on I see you standing there next to Mom Both singing along, yeah arm in arm And there are days when I'm losing my faith Because the man wasn't good he was great He'd say "Music was the home for your pain" And explained I was young, he would say Take that rage, put it on a page Take the page to the stage Blow the roof off the place I'm trying to make you proud Do everything you did I hope you're up there with God saying "That's my kid!" I still look for your face in the crowd Oh if you could see me now Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow Oh if you could see me now If you could see me now would you recognize me? Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me? Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face Put your hand on a heart that was cold As the day you were taken away? I know it's been a while but I can see you clear as day Right now, I wish I could hear you say I drink too much, and I smoke too much dutch But if you can't see me now that shit's a must You used to say I wont know a wind until it crossed me Like I wont know real love 'til I've loved and I've lost it So if you've lost a sister, someone's lost a mom And if you've lost a dad then someone's lost a son And they're all missing out, yeah they're all missing out So if you get a second to look down on me now Mom, Dad I'm just missing you now I still look for your face in the crowd Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now) Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now) Oh, oh Would you call me a saint or a sinner? Would you love me a loser or winner? Oh, oh When I see my face in the mirror We look so alike that it makes me shiver I still look for your face in the crowd Oh if you could see me now Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow Oh if you could see me now Yeah I'm just missing you now I still look for your face in the crowd Oh if you could see me now Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow Oh if you could see me now If you could see, you could see me now

Miss you, as always.

Semua berawal dari post temanku, “entah kenapa jadi tenang gitu abis ditelpon ibu malem-malem, dari yang awalnya sempet “riweuh” mikir ini mikir itu, gajelas sendiri” Dan aku teringat cerita2 temen2 yg nyeritain mama aku ini nyokap gue itu lalala and I all can do is just listen to them, and react. Terkadang aku cuman bisa kasih reaksi berupa senyuman, tawa, atau aku ceritakan sesuatu dari “masa lalu”. Masa masa di mana masih ada dirimu, wahai malaikat tersayangku di surga. I called our relationship as a “long distance relationship” where I could only talk to you through my prayers, and see you in my mind. Kembali lagi ke post temanku, aku ingat dulu, di mana aku pun setiap hari, bahkan sehari dua kali, mamah telepon aku. Hanya sekedar tanya kabar, udah makan belum, lagi apa, banyak tugas engga, minggu ini pulang engga, dll. Ada mamah yg suka aku telepon, aku curhatin, aku minta saran, atau bahkan cuman denger suara mamah aja buat nenangin diri. Bahkan di saat mamah lagi treatment pun mamah masih sempet telepon aku, dan aku ingat gimana aku gabisa tanya kabar mamah gimana, aku takut sama jawaban mamah, berapa kali kemo, berapa kali obat, bosen, aku gamau denger itu lagi, yg terpenting waktu itu adalah aku ketemu mamah. Aku ingat di mana aku ga bisa lagi ceritain susah susahku ke mamah, “ceritainnya semua yg seneng2 aja, kalo ada masalah ke kita aja tapi jangan cerita ke mamah” gitu kata orang2. Ya, aku ngerti, aku gaboleh nambah beban pikiran mamah. Aku kangen mah, setiap hari aku kirimkan doa buat mamah di sana, satu2nya yg bisa aku beri buat mamah cuman itu. Dan akupun ingat pesan yg mamah sampein ke om di saat2 terakhir mamah, “ade harus kuliah sampai lulus.” Yes mom, I WILL.

Every time I thought I'll walk through walls It's all becoming clear What's the point in feeling love for you When you don't believe I'm here? What's the point of saying 'Rescue me! ' If no one ever hears? Every time I try to pull you close You disappear Every time I try to pull you close You disappear

Coldplay - Ghost Story

#coldplay

Tidak ada lagi tempat bernaung. Tidak ada lagi tempat dimana bisa mencari ketenangan. Tidak ada lagi yang selalu ada buat meluruskan masalah. Orang yang diharapkan menggantinya melakukan semua itu bahkan tidak tahu sifat asli orang itu seperti apa. Orang yang diharapkan menggantinya melakukan semua itu bahkan tidak tahu situasinya seperti apa saat dia tak ada di sekitar. Harus seperti apa lagi kami menahan ego? Di saat dirinya bahkan tidak pernah menahan egonya dan terus menuruti kata hatinya. Harus seperti apa lagi kami menerima sifatnya? Di saat dia sendiri bahkan tidak menyadari sifat kami seperti apa. Dialah orang yang menganggap dirinya tinggi. Paling tinggi. Di atas langit, mungkin. Tidak pernah memikirkan orang lain.

One man who'll never hurt you?

Bullshit. Oops. Kata-kata di judul itu dikutip dari suatu quote, yang lengkapnya yaitu "Dad is atleast one man who'll never hurt you". Well I found that kinda silly for me. I've been hurt too many times already. Aku telah dikhianati oleh kata-kata manis pedas pahit asem untuk kesekian kalinya (yang kali ini ingin kutenangkan dengan menulis, curhat tepatnya). Janji janji tidak kau tepati, sekalipun itu janji terpenting yang pernah aku dengar, antara anak dengan ayahnya. Tidak. Aku telah kelihangan kepercayaanku sejak lama. Beberapa kali aku mendengar diriku sendiri berkata benci kepadamu. Orang yang tidak akan pernah aku jadikan role model. No. I've been hurt too much already.

Be as cold as an ice, as hard as a rock. Then you'll never be broken again.

Thoughts

And this, my friend, is like the elvish kin of noodles. Love it!

Too much fear, I guess.

#9gag

I Tried

Hari ini hari yang biasa saja seperti hari-hari sebelumnya. Mendapat waktu kosong selama 1 bulan lebih tanpa liburan ke mana-mana...yeah you know, so damn boring. Apalagi saat di rumah pun tidak melakukan sesuatu yang berarti.

About today? Nothing's new. Hanya hari baru disertai dengan tekanan yang sama, topeng yang sama, rumah yang sama. Pernahkah kau merasa terlalu capek berakting? Bahkan mungkin aktingku ini lebih bagus dari yang selama ini tampak di layar lebar. You can also say that I'm a big fat liar within this pretty little innocent girl mask.

Everyday I tried and tried to be nice, to appreciate those newcomers in my family. Well, they're nice. But the problem is me. Kami baru saling mengenal selama kurang dari 6 bulan, and at that time I had the biggest tragedy in my whole life. I lost her, seseorang yang tidak pernah dalam pikiranku akan kehilangannya, seseorang yang paling penting dari segalanya yang ada di dunia ini, seseorang yang telah kukenal seumur hidup, seseorang yang terdapat surga di telapak kakinya.

Baru saja kehilangan, kau berharap aku bisa langsung menerima seorang baru yang bahkan tidak kukenal sebelumnya? Jelas tidak.

You expected me to be strong eh? Tapi pernahkah kau setidaknya berpikir bagaimana rasanya ada di posisi ini? Dan terus ditekan harus bersikap ramah, baik, dan menerimanya. They're nice, tidak pernah berlaku tidak baik di hadapan kami, tapi masalahnya adalah waktu. Pernahkah kau setidaknya membayangkan, berapa banyak air mata yang telah kami buang dalam usaha kami untuk dapat menerimanya? Terlabih lagi untuk mendukungmu. Untuk tidak mencorengkan nama baikmu. Pernahkah kau setidaknya ikut merasakan? I think not.

Harus bagaimana lagi kami agar bisa terlihat sempurna di matamu? Bersikap biasa, menganggapnya sebagai keluarga, tidaklah cukup? Haruskah kami menganggapnya ratu, seperti kau menganggapnya begitu, padahal yang kau sebut ratu itupun tidak berharap begitu? Pernahkah setidaknya kau memikirkan posisi orang lain disamping keegoisanmu?

Have you ever liked someone so damn much that you think of your whole life with him?

Thoughtful yet silly mind

Mother's Day. 2014.

Here comes…

Know what?

Today’s mother’s day. Everybody uploaded their photo with their mom with some kind of quotes and blahblahblah and all I can do is sit there and do nothing. And when I turned on the TV I saw every talk shows and ads about mother’s day and the one I fear the most, hearing this song from Melly Goeslaw, called “Bunda”. I’m scared of that song, scared because that song really touches me and was my mom’s favorite. I don’t know I just not ready to hear that song again.

The truth is, I also want to share photos about my mom but then I think, what’s the point on sharing it? She won’t even see it, or hear it, rather than through my prayers. Then I somehow think I should probably used it as one of my display picture and I chose bbm because there are a lot of my family contacts there to show them that I also “care” about today.

And the weird thing is, tommorow’s macro economics exam and I haven’t even studied yet. Omg, screw me. And I somehow remember my birthday this year, the scent of hospital, and the cold room of 207 as I browse my old photos with my mom and saw the picture that day. My bittersweet 17. That’s what I called about that day.

The night before my birthday I expect nothing about it because it’s Saturday and my friends probably won’t remember and my current bf is on his trip to that one mountain and I suppose to go to visit my mom at the hospital like I used to on weekends. And then I got a call that told me that tommorow, on my birthday, mom will have a surgery. Gasp. It’s not her first time but still, another surgery? Then I make myself clear that I’ll go to the hospital more early in the morning. Then I went sleeping, and at 2 am I got a knock on my door that awakens me which makes me think who the hell is that then I opened the door and surprise! There are about four of my friends come over and bring a box of donuts with candles. How happy I am that night because I never had that kind of midnight surprise before. After that they went home because my dorm can’t accept students to sleepover.

And in the morning I took the earliest travel I can get. When I arrived at the hospital mom had already gone to the operating room so then I waited in her room, 207, with my family (there’s also my grandma and auties). When she got back, she got that thing on her chest like that girl from The Fault In Our Stars movie. And it was terrifying. I can’t stand seeing her in pain but all those things all those medicines are for her own health. I waited outside until they let us see her. And surprisingly, when we got back to her room my grandma brought some food, which is nasi kuning and other stuff as if she brought a tumpeng in separate containers. And they took a photo of me with mom and that with all of those food. And that what makes me happy and sad at the same time. But most of it was happy, because I can still spend my 17th birthday with both of my parents especially mom.

So on today’s mother’s day, all I can tell you that I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU THE MOST. You’re the best, you taught me to be a brave and strong woman like you. Happy mother’s day. May Allah give you the best place with Him in heaven. Till we meet again, mom. Love you.

Omg it’s 23:23 and I haven’t studied for tommorow so here’s goodbye. And hopefully tommorow I can pass macro economics successfully!

Hello again tumblr. Well, here's me. From now on I'll be writing on my tumblr, like literally, writing. So, enjoy!