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A friend of friend i never met invited me to see the eclipse in Spain in august … and im craving spontaneous trip rn. The thing is it all started when i opened hinge / i never used again and didn’t keep contact with anyone except for him but quite sporadically bc we found out we had multiple friends in common. I ve been invited like 3 times but always declined .. that time i said ok i d gladly move for an eclipse, then I thought more and expressed i was a bit uncomfortable for the context blabla in that moment he met another good friend of mine in the street and she said « i think you could get along well » mmm but i haven’t decided yet, i m quite scared and there are still so many things i want to focus on. Meanwhile i don’t want to become overprotected either

I lost any sense of structure and schedule since I went to Lithuania , I have to get back to it bc im back at avoiding any inconvenient task and I quickly get in trouble with administrative stuff etc plus now i just received a message from my psy that was worried about me since i didn’t show up to the appointment… i just had completely forgot about the date and didn’t check even tho i was looking forward to see her again and i was even a bit annoyed for how spaced are the appointments…like one month away is too much ! Now I ll see her in mid September and im like …ok but so much is happening in my mind idk how i ll keep her updated on everything

My mother talked about one of her friend I use to admire when I was a child, bc she s a painter. But then I remembered like 3 years ago on a bad day we crossed her on the street and she said something weird , first she talked about me 3rd person and she said « yes I have been following a bit online the things she did, she is a cute girl … at least on the pictures « ahah what like she scored at making me feel ugly + reducing me at what i look like

somehow my parent s friends always felt ok to comment on my apparence while my brother was spared (which is great but everyone should be)

It s almost 3 am I should go to sleep bc I have to wake up early (grandma’s schedule) but summer / heatwave nights are when it s the nicest to get active

Olive oil all afternoon

Feels silly each time I talk about instagram but somehow I don’t have so much shame here/ ppl on instagram that suddenly decide they should follow only 500 accounts n who unfollow a bunch of longtime followers to look cool that s so annoying … I mean I could get you would want to clean up sometimes that s personal choice but in that case have the decency of just removing that person from your followers otherwise just mute ppl if you re overwhelmed instead?? (Unless that s mainly about numbers which is fucked up but yea) I saw so many ppl do this to me when sometimes I followed back out of sympathy more than for the content (which now I stopped a bit bc I don’t check as much unless we talk or something) but anyway that s all (i dont have irl interactions since awhile can you tell

Yes but ice-creams with my grandma s yogurt + broken chopstick

Crying from what feels like loneliness today but I d love to put it on hormonal cycles let me check … ah no not yet lol

Also if anyone of you ever hear about a job in grape picking around you or like I have been fantasizing about doing in Switzerland(grapes or cows) know that I d be grateful if you ever want to share :o)) I mean I found a grape picking thing through a friend (and I ll go bc outside job with nice ppl yes) but the conditions are quite bad (minimum wage / no housing so we ll sleep in tents with the heatwave and we will have to buy and prepare food gloups) I sent a message to a farm place owned by girls , they have grapes and were looking for a small team but I was too late apparently

Living daily w grandma who I can feel thinks I should get a normal job and a husband

((I’m also aware that I’m writing this from France, where I currently have access to some public support that makes this life temporarily possible. That doesn’t erase the anxiety or precarity, but does make me think about how differently this same life would look elsewhere…It also makes me wonder about the risk of romanticizing precarity))

I guess i m also thinking about the consequences of romanticizing any situation especially attached with precarity (and then that s also relative ofc bc I’m not starving)

Like I get that “mysterious source of incomes” image I could reflect if you see im in a beautiful place, doing crafty art stuff the truth is I momentarily have a very little state help and it s always in my mind that I need to improve this situation while still feeling bind to take care of my grandma and feeling too isolated. Not to complain tho bc I can see in many ways how lucky I am but just sometimes I worry to mislead ppl into thinking that s doable to mainly do art while not being rich in the first place .. first I am strange with money and how I separate what I make from it (like I never really believed that would be a way to survive financially and I am also uncomfortable mixing ) then there are better ways than mine for sure like applying non stop to residences and being a bit more ambitious and social that I ever was … but still you need to have space for that type of procedures and there are less and less money in any cultural stuff (also for how it s distributed always) not to be pessimistic bc anyway until now im just handling life best if I get to keep my time to play around like this some days i just feel like i might preserve a part of me in this way but i make my life also more complicated in other ways

Just realized as I was talking about a longtime friend I lost touch with that from outside (like instagram) it can look like im living my best life drawing in the beautiful garden and building nets for the birds or whatever (sure there are hints of how isolated i might be and living alone with my grandma) but yes the whole part —of my grandma in pain wanting to die crying all day, my uncle beside having Parkinson’s, my aunt in the house under always worried about money and watching my use of electricity (checking if the fan im using doesn’t take too much ahah) and me having to go to administrative meetings where they re trying to force me to work in restaurants while im socially anxious—- isn’t showing, sure there s a balance in this and I can enjoy a lot having to observe fireflies at night and not having to work in a supermarket, living with very little money but getting the privilege of still being able to do art things … then that s mostly what I will naturally want to share online and that s also a way for me to stay connected a bit w ppl too .. I do escape time to time and I usually feel the happiest to travel in FlixBus somewhere to meet friends or do a residency but in some days it all feels a bit absurd

O oa i made friend with someone that seems nice and who s working on an application with transparents forms + music and now they just offered me money to make a video they will use for it even tho i was wheeling to do it for free as the app is as well. I have a strange relationship with money, i don’t have any rn i need it …yet if someone kind is asking me something i feel sort of stressed to receive money in return

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