helpless, selfish, one of a kind.

You know, ever since we were little, I would get this feeling like... Like I'm floating outside of my body, looking down at myself... And I hate what I see... How I'm acting, the way I sound. And I don't know how to change it. And I'm so scared... That the feeling is never gonna go away.

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     again, there’s that feeling : that they are rushing, first and foremost, them. was it too soon. when was the right time. but she is reminded … how achingly long it’s been : since emotions first surfaced, since revelations were spoken aloud, and since they last were this close. and with that information close to heart, she chooses not to dwell for much longer. fingers cling to his shirt as she does him. frames intertwined and lips fervent. the boy speaks, and she takes it as an opportunity to catch her breath. “ yeah, lou … ” there’s a short laugh, although far from at his expense. warm gaze finds youthful features, and her expression softens. “ it is. ” she confirms. “ don’t think so much, okay. ” a hypocritical statement to make, but she makes it nonetheless. a response isn’t awaited, rather lips reconnect : this time, a touch being far more reposed. they had all the time in the world. 

        ‘   okay.   ’ he agrees with the hope that saying it aloud will make it so. he lets his tongue slip between her parted lips. the sensation’s awkward, but he doesn’t stop, instead focusing on maintaining the way he feels. good. he wants the feeling to exist in solitary, he doesn’t want it to be tainted by anxieties and stilted movements. he doesn’t want to overthink and yet the whole proposition’s against his very nature. though her affirmations provide him with a distraction, and it’s funny, because really she’s not a distraction at all. she’s the main event, he’s the subject of her and she’s the victim of him. he can’t help but feel she’s got the short end of the stick, as his fingers tug at the hem of her shirt, cold fingertips drag upwards,  clutching to the fabric as it rides up her ribcage, over her bra. well acquainted with the art of procrastination, he stops short, the palm of his hand pressed tentatively against her breast. he likes the way that feels, the way she feels, the way she makes him feel. he likes it all but he desire is imbued with guilt, non-deserving of wanting more.

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     she wants to believe him so she does. a response goes lost against his lips, though sawyer finds no room to complain. not now, and probably not ever. rather arms wrap around his neck, pulling a lanky boy CLOSER. for swirling thoughts, although ever so prevalent, are brushed aside in favor of him … and so, she brings connected figures into the boy’s bedroom, bringing them both down onto messy sheets. the first disconnect comes now, with sawyer breaking a kiss ; only to pull cotton over her head, leaving chestnut curls ruffled against a matted pillow. if she’d predicted the event transpiring, she would’ve worn something much nicer. definitely matching undergarments. only now does she realize the brightness of a small room, and with new insecurities surfacing lips reconnect. perfect … yeah, right.

        he shuffles to the time of a beat that she’s leading. he’s not sure how to do this, not sure if there’s a right way of doing this, but trailing hands feel good and her lips are soft. tentatively, he slips his tongue between parted lips and although he moves with anxiety-induced caution, his inexperience doesn’t allow for a graceful tenderness. he’s brash and unrefined, all his weight against her as he moves in pursuit of friction. his hands slip away from her waist, trailing with fascination over bare skin as palms steal her warmth. he should take off his own shirt, yeah. the thought is followed by an unintentional gulp. is he going too fast ? not fast enough ? he keeps his shirt on. ‘   o-okay. is this okay ?   ’ he breathes, stilted words seeking affirmation. 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

      despite advances and despite emotions exposed, uncertainty still crawl beneath her skin. there always appeared to be doubts within her mind … of everything. normally, she’d wave them off ; act the decisive person that she’s made herself out to be, although at the moment the option seems to have faded into oblivion. she’s not unsure about him but about this ; about the pacing, about his own hesitations. so, she stops. a room reached and a door closed, and she stands still. a bed remains in her peripheral, taunting her about a concept that might not be. “ you sure ? ” a softer tone than earlier, unintentional but genuine nonetheless. she stands close, hand still in his much larger, and brown tones watching a taller boy carefully. “ ‘cos we don’t have to. we can watch another movie … if you want. ” beat. “ i hear ant-man’s really good. ” there’s a short laugh, entirely made up out of brewing anxieties, and it fades.

        ‘   no i want to.   ’ he says, and now he’s awfully anxious that he won’t believe her and to think he’s already put someone else at discomfort because of his inability to do anything right ... his thoughts trail, thankfully. did he put enough emphasis in his words ? does he need to explain himself ? ‘   i just ... it’s dumb.   ’ he says, if only he thought of what to say before attempting to begin. ‘   i’m being dumb. but you’re perfect. you’re really really perfect and i want this.    ’ the words drop like a tsunami, all at once and profoundly beyond being able to recognize the implications, the consequences. she’s not perfect, he just doesn’t know that. he turns the handle, the door squeaking open slowly to reveal, just as promised a room littered with dirty laundry and an unmade bed. ‘   ant-man’s overhyped.   ’ he says, mirroring a subtle smile, before leaning in for a kiss. 

[downhearteds]

charlottesbeale‌ → charlotte beale.

“ – with caitlyn jenner and bobby moynihan quitting celebrity big brother with less than two weeks until the premier, do you think they’ll give me a ringy-ding?  i AM a big deal, you know?”  one would think she was JOKING, nobody could be so self-centered, right? nope. she was totally serious. hell, the blonde probably thought she was a KARDASHIAN or JENNER herself at this point. “i mean, i managed to fight MEAN in six inch louboutins. you know, on the bachelor? i made the tabloids. e! news had my name in their mouths. when would your fav ever?” she mused, flipping through her phone. “whaddya think?”

       parted lips and narrowed eyes form a look that could only be described as being totally baffled with the girl before her. he’s trying to keep up, really, but he’s takes a second too long figuring out who the first names are, which leaves the rest flying completely over his head. she’s recognizable because she’s pretty, or pretty because she’s recognizable - either way ... ‘   my dad watched the bachelor with his girlfriend. he probably like, knows who you are.   ’ he says, and it’s a little stifled but it’s all he can really contribute to the conversation. 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     reciprocation is met with a fluttering heart and an opaque shade of rogue caught on her cheeks. yet … there is an urge to pull away. for  S P A C E  to be retrieved so soon, and give the older a moment just to look at him. long ago she’d decided he didn’t smile enough. and not much later, she’d find herself jubilant whenever he did. infatuation had run deep. still did. she liked kissing him more, though. so she stays within his arms and she keeps him close : closer than she used to be allowed to, closer than people in her life knew. one day the latter would change and all the euphoric emotions currently felt would only AMPLIFY in their intensity. she was sure of it. with lips soft against his, her hands trail down his chest, only to settle at his sides. fingers entwining with thin material of a t-shirt, and she does what she’d previously been reluctant to do - pull away. dark eyes are focused on her own touch and a forehead rests against his. “ do you … wanna go upstairs ? ”

       he takes solace in the moments between action, the way her forehead feels rested against his. as if he could be a pillar of support when most of the time he feels like a shivering bag of bones. he takes a moment to breathe through it, the nervousness, reconciling with the want and the thing is, he’s only had sex with her and he’s never been sober for it. so he can feel it, the warmth of his palms and the way he fears they’ll become damp with nervousness. aware of his chapped lips and his slight tummy. aware of it all and committing to it anyways. ‘   sure.   ’ he says, with a nod, and tries to let the motions lead, he tries to outrun his thoughts. he stands, lifting her off his legs and holding her hand. she knows the way, but he leads anyways. that’s what he’s meant to do right ? ‘   my room’s probably a mess.   ’ 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     sawyer considers his words, attention drifting towards a front door and the man presumed to not walk through it for hours. another idea … lou never was the instigator. for all the time that she’d known him, and for those times where they’d been together. it was always sawyer making the FIRST MOVE. and as fun as coaxing it out of him sounded, she could think of better ways to spend her time. “ shame. ” she shrugs halfheartedly, touch finding the younger’s jawline. and lips reconnect for the first time in what she’d deemed forever. 

        he smile against her kiss, but more importantly he kisses back. he sits up a little straighter, leans in a little harder and hands trace the outlines of her shoulders until they’re cupping her face. tenderly, his touch always too light to make a mark but desiring the type of contact that he can’t quite reconcile with. his thumbs smooth over her cheekbones, and he’s not one for hyperbole so when he thinks that her beauty is overwhelming - that faint lurching sense and rush of blood can prove it. words have never been his forte, thankful that kissing doesn’t call for them. 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     fingers play against warm skin, running through the strands reaching down his neck. there’s a roll of charcoal eyes upon his statement, even as lips manage to curl in response. “ wow, you’re such a romantic. ” she mocks, settling in his lap. “ maybe … depends. ” the brunette muses, feigned contemplation playing out on bronzed features. she didn’t. not right now, anyway. lips purse, finally, gaze settling on the boy before her. “ when’s your dad getting home ? ” it’s a loaded question : if only the younger was sharp enough to catch the implication. 

      his lips flutter into a half sort of smile, not quite there but apparent nonetheless. he peers up of her, waiting for some sort of sign that’ll tell him what to do. he’s never been decisive and it shows, willing to sit in the space of absence than strive to create something new. he tilts his head upwards, dark tones flittering to her lips then away again. ‘   i dunno.   ’ he murmurs. his father’s been dating the same woman for awhile, so naturally, some nights they don’t come home. ‘   probably not ‘til tomorrow.   ’ casually said, small motions imperceptibly made in an effort to be closer. 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     lips press into a fine line, a smile stifled. she doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it  even as it cause a flutter of her stomach and the apples of her cheeks to flush, so the older stays silent on the nickname. and embarrassingly smitten. “ yeah ! yeah … i’m fine. just – completely distraught. ” she jests, maneuvering herself closer : onto a boy’s lap with thighs at his sides. arms go extended beyond his neck, and they’re FAR TOO CLOSE. she tries not to think about it. and the fact that it might be the closest they’d been since … “ we couldn’t have watched something with a HAPPY ENDING ? ” 

       he’s not the biggest fan of math but this is working out like an equation, his words, her movements. his constant flux between discomfort and the desire to just give in - or is it give up ? hands rest upon her thighs, because it was between that or her shoulders and maybe he should just kiss her. ‘   happy endings aren’t realistic.   ’ he states factually, as if he has enough life experience to know this to be true. ‘   you -- -- uh, wanna watching something else or -- ?   ’ he asks, and to be coaxed along like this is so terribly humiliating but he really hopes she says no.

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     she could stay like this forever : curled up against the boy she likes, listening to him speak about something he likes. even if she’s readily disagreeing with him. sawyer lets him have this, though, because the following scene is one that grabs her attention and keeps it in a chokehold. “ spider-man ?! seriously ?! ” the brunette jolts up, voice raised several octaves. how she’d avoided spoilers up to now was a miracle on its own. perhaps she was following the wrong people on social media. or right, depending on how you saw it. “ lou, this why you should’ve told me … i – ” she cuts herself off, gaze returning to a tv screen as the final moments of the film play out. and then - black. “ – - is shuri okay ? ”

        judgement is quick to assert it’s place, brows drawing together and a scoff quick to follow. ‘   the new spider-man wasn’t even that good.   ’ he retaliates, even if in the theatre peter parker’s death was the only one that had made him tear up. he rubs her back as consolation, finally retreating from his sprawled position and sitting upright. ‘   uh, i don’t know, maybe. the only ones who we really see alive are the original avengers.   ’ he points out, a conclusion he’d drawn quickly after his first viewing. ‘   you okay babe ?   ’ he doesn’t realize he’s said it until he does, and he suddenly takes quite the interest in the credits that begin to roll. if he were thinking of anything other than his thumping heart, he’d find that he quite likes the way it sounds. 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     crease appearing between two brows, the brunette’s forced to come to terms with her could-be-favorite’s death. luckily, for her, there were things on her mind able to occupy from this betrayal by whomsoever directed the piece. like moving closer; snuggling up against a lankier frame, arm wrapped around his torso, and head on his chest. “ you’re enjoying this too much. ” she argues, focus given to the television screen and the images flashing by. “ it’s sad. ” not in a she-should-be-crying-right-now sort of way, sawyer had missed too many of the previously released films to be especially attached, but close. death is always sad. unless they’d be watching beauty & the beast … she never found much remorse for gaston. now there was an idea – - “ tell me who else dies. ”

           she snuggles closer and he lets her, he’s been working to let these moments go without thought. without recognition of the way his skin crawls for no other reason than the anxiety that if she gets too close he’s certain to mess it all up. ‘   i’m not saying thanos is right.   ’ he begins, and she’s in for it now. ‘   he just wanted to preserve the entirety of the universe, you know ? but i don’t even think he thought the cost would be that high.   ’ he murmurs, because really, he doesn’t get how anyone could ever kill their daughter. his head tilts down, as if about to kiss the top of her head, but he just rests there, hesitantly nuzzling closer. ‘   i’m not gonna spoil it for you. besides you’re about to find out.   ’ the scene cuts to the showdown between thor and thanos, the latter snapping his fingers in one fell swoop.  

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     tension is eased when affection is given, even if he stays silent on the matter vocally. it was ENOUGH. for now, at least, she found comfort in the unspoken. in nothing changing: everything being the same – the two of them staying who they were. lips curl and dark browns find tanned features once more. sawyer has to work her way back to the movie, to the reason they’re even seated on the living room couch, and once she does … “ oh, that’s bullshit ! ” the brunette protests, falling back against soft cushioning ; petite frame resting against a taller boy. “ but she’s not dead dead, right, she’s coming back. ” sawyer didn’t care much for superhero films, not beyond chris evans, anyway, but she’d be damned if they would kill off the few women on screen. 

         he tries to tame him smile, but he can’t keep his lips from unconsciously tugging and thank god he’s staring at the screen because this is kind of embarrassing. he reaches his arm across the back of the couch, resting it there like a move in a bad rom-com movie. though his lack of touch does nothing for the cause, which makes him question what the cause really is. infinity war is deserving of every ounce of his attention. ‘   nuh-uh, she’s dead dead. thanos is pretty metal.   ’ he points out. he doesn’t care much for the action scenes, especially when he knows it’s all for naught. however, he keeps his eyes glued to the screen, letting the images pass by him until they get to the best part. ‘   oh how the mighty have fallen.   ’ he comments offhandedly, watching the superheroes attempt to protects the walls of wakanda.  

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     moments ago, she’d been positive it was a fact needed to be shared. for the sake of complete honesty : even if she was beyond uncertain to where the pair stood, it was a phone call which contents she deemed him worthy of knowing. but now, she wasn’t as convinced anymore. he still had the right to know, she just wasn’t as certain of her own preparations of the topic. “ that it’d ruin the dynamics of our study group, ” she laughs, halfheartedly, pulling sleeves down to create sweater-paws. “ and that … uh, i was kinda, already, seeing someone. i dunno, whatever. ” she’s quick to let her gaze leave the younger, focusing on a still ongoing film instead, cheeks flushed. “ anything fun happen while i was gone ? ” it’s a poor attempt at a topic switch, though she hopes he’ll pick the EASY ROUTE. 

       his first instinct is to tease her, to poke fun at the fact that she might be positively in love with him. unfortunately, a somber demeanour prohibits such levity, as much as he knows it would end in laughter and smile that can’t be stifled. ‘   yeah ?   ’ he asks rhetorically, because he doesn’t know what to say. he doesn’t want to say it out loud and he doesn’t know why. even if it’s plain as day that sawyer kinney is his girlfriend. it doesn’t feel real and responsibility weighs on his heart in a dangerous way. so he stays silent, but kisses her cheek quickly and tenderly, before his attentions return back to the still-running movie at hand. ‘   well yeah kinda. thanos killed gamora to get the soul stone.   ’ he says, and he probably should’ve just rewinded it for her, or paused it in the first place but ... ‘   i won’t spoil the ending.   ’ he’d watched it in theatres, obviously.

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

     there’s not much from the conversation to remember : questions of the upcoming project, about homework, whether or not she was attending some frat party that weekend – and eventually, the big ask. she’d hesitated, surely, though the answer would’ve been clear from the get-go hadn’t he SPRUNG it on her. brows are drawn together as lou speaks, offense almost taken by his WHY though ultimately, she chooses to let it slide. “ what do you think, ” she moves out of his space, placing a small distance between the two. only to look at him, to attempt to read the expression on his face. “ i told him no. ”

        ‘   oh.   ’ he says as instinct. he’s not sure what he was expecting, in fact the response makes total sense and yet he’s taken aback. he prods further, his heart pattering to the time of drumsticks going at one hundred and forty beats per minute. ‘   uh, did you -- -- did you say why ? did he ask ?   ’ he inquires, and it comes out as one stream of questions but he feels as though he’s tripped over every single word. a soft pout comes to the fore, sad brown hues peering at her with a meaning that can’t quite be pinpointed. the ball’s in her court, and if nothing else, it relieves the pressure from him. 

[downhearteds]

spacelys‌ → sawyer kinney.

top 100 : lip & hip – hyuna.

    she didn’t want to interrupt the movie : a film she’d forgotten the name of long ago, but nevertheless remained invested in, though phone calls from her classmates were rarely ignored and thus … its length had caused sawyer to feel bad enough as it was, the conversation nearing double digits which could’ve been spent with boy who’d been beside her, and its CONTENT certainly didn’t help put her at ease. she returns, flopping back down on the couch. and almost immediately, she enters a state of uncertainty. should she tell him? should she not? did it even matter? teeth scrape against her lower lip, though with eyes back on the screen she chooses the former. honesty was the best policy, was it not. “ so … jared asked me out. ” / @downhearteds

       movies were his second favourite form of escapism, following video games. though he’s adamant in his belief that gaming’s a solo activity, even with endless amount of multiplayer options. it’s just that there’s something warming about being in the near-silent presence of someone else when watching a film. maybe he’s weird, in fact he knows he is, but it makes him feel nice and beggars can’t be choosers. he doesn’t notice the amount of time that’s passed when she returns, but acknowledges her presence with his head that nudges gently against her shoulder until he’s comfy. he hears what she says, kinda, although they don’t quite process. ‘   why ?   ’ he asks dumbly, and not because no one would ask her out - she’s sawyer kinney after all, just that ... he didn’t think he’d really given anyone reason to. ‘   i don’t mean like ... i don’t know. what did you say ?   ’ 

[rihannasweeddealer]

https://www.instagram.com/jeffreywahlberg/