My post could be a short novel about everything that has happened, the reasons I haven’t blogged in such a long time. The drama, the hurt, the backstabbing. But I don’t have the time or the tears left in me to rehash the devastation and betrayal that I have endured over the last month. All I can say is that I need a new start, a new beginning. I can’t change the past, but I am in control of my future (to some degree). I have managed to eat my pain in a total of 13lbs of weight gain, which in 30 days is quite the accomplishment. I haven’t practiced my precious yoga more than once or twice every two weeks. I have felt like a shell of myself. Not wanting to do anything, go anywhere. I put my heart and soul into my friendships, and to have them end so abruptly and brutal has taken its toll on me. And it has left me feeling very alone and empty. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone, and I am doubting everything. If I could have trusted these people for so many years, allowed them to be a part of my children’s lives, shared so much personal and heartfelt information with them, how do I ever trust my judgement again? I have taken such a massive step back in my pain management, my health, my weight and my overall well-being. The only thing I am still doing an OK job at is being a Mom, but even then I still doubt myself. My oldest has been acting out and showing a lot of attitude and my youngest is referred to as a “brat” by my mother in law because she doesn’t like me to leave her and cries when I do. Overall you could say that life, although I am aware could be worse, is feeling quite terrible right now. And yes, I know I am not in a 3rd world country without food and water ect. But just give me this right now, ok? I just need to say that things suck right now. Because to me this does feel like the end of the world and like nothing could make it worse. The saying bad things happen in 3’s is total bull shit, because I’m on about #30!! Today I am hoping to get back a bit of my life. I want to start eating better. No more burgers, fries, chips and candy. Although I’m not willing to give up my coffee and I am willing to change the rest. Now typically trying to diet during the Calgary Stampede wouldn’t be a great idea. But since I am not going to be there every day this year I figured it might be worth a try. And yes, the occasional bag of warm mini-doughnuts or a corn dog will happen, but the Stampede is once a year and I figure if I am toting around 2 kids on a hot day for hours walking the grounds then I might earn the calorie loaded treat ;) So today has started with my weighing myself and then making my Vega smoothie: 1 cup water, 1/2 cup orange juice, 1 banana, 1/2 cup raspberries and blackberries, 30g of Vega Smoothie Protein Whole Food powder. This will be my breakfast and lunch for the next 60 days. I’ve posted a picture of it. Anyways, off to get some play time in with both the kids before I get the babysitter for Alexis so we can have a Chloe day at the stampede. Hopefully my posts continue a bit more consistantly now.
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