Session 32, 8 Apr 2023, The Last Session: "Got any o' them shit-ache mushrooms?"
Nuri has come down with something awful but soldiers on anyway. Legend. Suggested talking points: Pfenig is late, how not to die in a hyperbaric chamber, 'tis the season for baby sheeps.
Nuri takes Pfenig for a while, and we’re off. Okay, so we are in the dungeon where we have been told the hoard of Dragons is located. We’ve hopped over one collapsed bridge, and it turns out the other wasn’t supposed to fall so the DM has put it back. For now. Vervain edges up to it but chickens out, as Dex is their dump stat. Dainty Hazel tiptoes over first instead, after some sorting out of Windows as people’s scroll bars are disappearing.
There’s another door, do we have to rub the dwarf on it like last time? Hazel checks it for traps and locks. 17. “You can’t see any traps!” Wonderful. Natty 20 for 24 total on Perception, she hears nothing but a few spiders scuttling around behind it. She picks the lock. an 18 is good enough! What’s behind it, something nice? Hazel peeks through.
A ten foot tall statue of a dwarf. The ceilings are 20ft high. There is a trap door in the floor with a pull ring directly in front of the statue. Nuri uses the rope between Hazel and Vervain as a guide, and walks across the bridge. Pfenig squeezes his puffball stress ball and follows him. Vervain shrugs and crosses as well, without incident.
Vervain looks at the statue; it’s Gorn, the dwarven god of vigilance. AKA Fire-Eyes. Hazel: “Ah, so he’s like a traffic warden.” Any buttons or pulleys or switches? Hazel makes an Investigation check - 15. Other than the statue and the trap door, the room is empty. No sign of secret doors or loose floor tiles.
Look down the trap door then? Nuri opens it. DM, gleefully: “Excellent, make a Dexterity saving throw please!”
He rolls a five.
“Right. Here’s what happens.”
The statue’s eyes glow red and fire shoots out of them. Nuri halves it, but it’s still 11 points of fire damage. “Well, those temporary hit points were short lived.”
We think the trap door might be just a fake, designed to make us hurt ourselves.
Hazel, shaking her head, disappointed: “Oh, Fire Eyes.”
Vervain looks more closely at the statue; no buttons or levers. They think that maybe something was kept in here at one time, but it’s long gone now. Nuri has a little sulk, and we leave.
Good thing it wasn’t Pfenig who got toasted, or we’d all be smelling burnt mushrooms by now. This leads to a quick aside about the pronunciation of the word shiitake, which leads naturally to this:
“Got any o’ them shit-ache mushrooms?”
We remember that it was when Nuri touched the ring that the fire shot out, not when he actually pulled it. If we can wait, Nuri can summon his Unseen Servant to tie the rope to the trap door, and we can all pull it open. If we want. He does something stupid instead and manages to exit both himself and Hazel out of the game.
***We’ll be right back after these messages! Is 5e too tame for you? Are you looking for more challenging tabletop gaming? Try new Pathfinder! Deadlier traps! Sassier goblins! More frequent and evil DM laughter! Ask your DM about Pathfinder today!***
(Pfenig pops in during the impromptu intermission, yay! “Sorry, I fell asleep.”)
Nuri is rethinking the trap door, he doesn’t think there’s anything useful under it. Wait - actually we just want to check.
DM: “Where do you all want to be?”
Vervain: “Well now you’ve said that, out of the room.”
As soon as the rope touches the ring, the fire shoots out again. Okay, never mind.
We chuff on over to the middle bridge. The gap is about fifteen feet; Vervain jumps across leaving the other end of their rope with the others. Nuri wants to use Pazuzu as a glider; he can’t, but he gets inspiration for the idea. He makes an Athletics check instead and rolls a dirty 20, hopping over with ease.
Pfenig could be a panther again, but then he won’t have any wild shapes left. Could we have a short rest once we’ve jumped?
Hazel ties the rope to him and he takes a big run-up (Athletics check) - Big fat seven! Vervain makes a Strength save at Advantage because of Nuri’s help and rolls a 5. Nuri spends his Inspiration to let them re-roll it, and they get a 20! Between Nuri and Vervain, they drag Pfenig up onto their side of the gap.
Hazel is the last one left. We give Pazuzu the rope and he flies over, so Hazel can tie it around herself. She takes a run-up and rolls a 17, making it over without incident.
Now we are faced with another charming door. Hazel approaches and does her thing. The DM has bad news for her - there is no lock, and yet somehow it’s locked. She Investigates the door; nat 1.
“Ohhhh, I hit my head.”
Do we need the dwarf? Pfenig has a disguise kit, we could disguise Pazuzu as a dwarf…?
Is it magically locked, perhaps? Pfenig casts Detect Magic. He only bloody detects some magic. It’s an Abjuration spell.
Vervain tries giving it a shove but to no avail.
(Pfenig: “How come we’re not so much better at Dungeons and Dragons by now? We've been playing for ages!”)
We send Pazuzu to go and get the dwarf; we drag him across the gap in the bridge with the rope, and shove him in front of the door which opens straight away.
Four suits of rusted plate armour without helmets, dwarf sized, stand in each corner of the room beyond. 20 feet high ceilings. Dwarfish runes on the far wall, which we shove the dwarf at.
‘A secret never before told will part Durmathoin’s lips.’
Pfenig, Nuri, Vervain and Hazel make Religion checks; all useless. The dwarf stares at us. “That’s the dwarven God of Secrets.”
Nuri and Pfenig step into the room. Any like, scorched patches on the walls? Not that he can see. Pfenig takes a look at the armour. As well as being rusty, it’s covered in cobwebs.
No sign of treasure.
Any lips in here that look like they might part? Even the suits of armour don’t have mouths. Should we just start announcing secrets, Nuri asks?
You first, Vervain tells him.
We’re stumped. Pfenig just says a secret at the room.
“I ran away from home because I was ashamed of my family, and now I regret it.”
Is that true?
“Yes.”
Has Pfenig ever told anyone that before?
“No.”
A staircase appears in the floor!
Vervain plays tank as they have more hit points, and Pfenig goes second. Goddess of Death and the Anger Issues Fire Noble in the back.
Streams of sunlight pour down from the 30 foot high ceilings. Statues of dwarves, and piled in one corner is a fuck off huge pile of treasure!
The dwarf in the room suggests we come back later as the place is a bit of a mess.
… What?
The dwarf is called Arc Clanghammer. (sp?) This is his vault.
"We came for the tour, is that okay…?"
No no, there are no tours. Why did we come here?
“Well, it all started a long time ago…” Nuri begins. He then resorts to the truth. “Well, for the treasure, really. Please?”
We are told that the treasure belongs to Lord Neverember.
“Oh! No, no it doesn’t,” Nuri tells him. Pfenig is starting to feel unsure. Oh wait, Lord Neverember embezzled it from the good people of Waterdeep! That changes things somewhat! Pfenig turns back to the dwarf with righteous fire in his eyes.
The dwarf raises an eyebrow at him. “Stolen? That’s quite the accusation. Who does it belong to, then?”
Pfenig pulls us all into a huddle. “Who does it belong to?”
Nuri: “Well, who does gold ever belong to, really?”
“So you want the gold for yourselves?” the dwarf asks.
“No, we wanna give it to a pirate,” Nuri tells him. Pfenig is unsure again.
Nuri sums up what exactly our plan is for the gold. We want to give it to a Lord in a different city so he can make things better for people in both cities. "I forget some of the finer points."
The DM reminds us that the money was embezzled from the citizenry via taxes. Neveremeber planned to take it all with him. We want to give it to Jarlaxle who has promised to return it to the city in order to get a seat at the table in Waterdeep, minus a little bit for us.
Armed with that reminder, Nuri makes a Persuasion check with Guidance - 22 total.
That will do it! The dwarf thinks it over. If we would be so good as to follow him. We do that.
The dwarf has been tricked, it seems, into guarding this vault. It’s only right and proper that the gold is returned to the people. How do we plan to remove it all, he asks?
Well Nuri’s got this lamp -
A big gold dragon appears in the room. Oh it was the dwarf! Ahhhhh, okay.
Wait - there was the Staff of Egeron? Jarlaxle offered us extra money if we could retrieve that? The dragon tells us his real name - Auranax. He holds up a staff. Is this the one?
He won’t be parting with that, he tells us. Nuri: "Entirely understandable. One less thing to worry about."
We could have Jarlaxle’s drow help us remove the gold…? Will Auranax allow our friends to help us move all of this? He will.
Great!
We head on back up out of the cellar, making - wait, Perception checks?
We are almost at the huge double doors where the stairs lead up to the mill, when Nuri hears hushed, guttural voices. Something is coming down into the vault.
We are allowed a round to prepare, so we hide and cast some protective buff-type spells before rolling Initiative. Come hell or high water the DM is determined that this will be the last session, so off we go!
One of them dies before ever getting into conflict with us; we make Perception checks. Vervain hears voices speaking in Elvish - “Bullshit. I’ll kill twice as many in one shot.”
Vervain doesn’t recognise the voices, but Thessalie might have…
They ignore it and attack the closest bugbear. The flail misses but the Spiritual Weapon anvil does not, crunching into the bugbear's head.
The leader of the group lets out a horrible scream as it is impaled by something we can’t see, and dies. Huh?
Pfenig takes a Frost Ray from the - Gazer? - and makes a Dex save but fails and takes 10 cold damage. It’s his turn.
He casts Shilsdgdfkhgjfghklh and uses Symbiotic Entity, using his last Wild Shape to do it, and gains 20 temp HP.
Nuri has something he’d like to share in a 20 foot radius sphere. Fireball! (*chanting* level 5! level 5! level 5!) Dex saves for a bunch of bugbears and a Gazer. They all fail their saves and take 30 fire damage; the Gazer turns to ash. Nuri blows on his finger pistols. He pops back round behind the pillar, and the Goddess of Death is up. She shoots at one of the bugbears with a 25, stripping it of all but 5 of its HP. She hides, vanishing from sight.
Another bugbear introduces Pfenig’s skull to his morningstar - but he has to make a Con save first. He rolls a two, and takes a mighty eight necrotic damage, as Pfenig rolls max on his damage dice!
Another takes a swing and a miss. This is a piss-poor show. Pfenig gives him a wink.
A drow appears and stabs a bugbear in the kidneys. We’ve met this guy before! We chased him across a rooftop! He said no hard feelings, so we’re cool. He’s very loyal to Jarlaxle.
His mate pops up and takes a stab as well, killing another one.
Vervain lifts up their Spiritual Weapon anvil and drops it on the bugbear again for another 8 damage, and takes a swing with the flail again - another miss. I don’t think I've ever hit anything with this bloody flail.
A bugbear trips over the flail Vervain has discarded and misses with their attack. The one in front attacks Vervain as well and hits. “My skull! I’m using that!”
The Gazer makes two eye-ray attacks against Pfenig and Vervain, but both make their saves. We ain’t even bovvered.
Pfenig finds himself and Vervain surrounded. Fortunately one of our assailants has brains dripping down the side of its face. He takes his Shildfjgkldsghjsg’ed club and cracks the one in front of him “like a morning egg”. It hits but the bugbear is still on its feet, somehow.
Hearing the clattering, banging and swearing, Nuri pops his head out. He sees five enemies; he is going to fire a Scorching Ray at some of them. He, as a Warlock, must cast the spell at whatever level spell slots he has - so he must, Must, add an extra ray. All four hit! The bugbears are standing still, but very ropey-looking now.
Hazel takes a shot at a bugbear but the shot goes wide. Nat 1 - Twang! If this attack was made with a bow or crossbow: roll a d10. On a 1-9 the weapon’s damage is reduced by 1d4 until repaired. On a 10, the string snaps. She rolls a 9 so the bow doesn’t break, but only just.
A bugbear attacks Vervain from behind and hits for 9 damage. Pfenig makes his wounds go manky, and he dies.
Vervain casts Sacred Flame on the one who’s been savaging them from behind and explodes it in a puff of golden ash.
Meloon Wardragon appears, and shouts to Nuri. “You alright up there, kid?”
Nuri has mixed emotions about this. Meloon adds that he thinks he owes Nuri a drink or ten.
“… Cool.”
One of the bugbears sidles up to Pfenig and takes aim with his morningstar. Pfenig’s head stays on but he has a ringing in his ears now.
The Gazer moves to bite Nuri, but misses. Pfenig swings around to the one that just hit him and gives him “a taste of Shildfgkdhjljjh, right in the teeth.” 6 bludgeoning damage. He’s still up, somehow.
Nuri, who now has a Gazer in his face, wonders what the range is on Burning Hands. A 15 foot cone, he is told. In that case he will cast another Racial Ability Trait spell - Flame Blade. This is new!
15 fire damage, and a how de do dis! He cuts it in half, cauterising each half as he cuts. Xanathar will not be pleased about this.
Hazel does a bit of shootsy-shootsy, and hits with a 25. 19, minus a d4 brings it to 15, but she gets a how de do dis! "You know the bit in LotR where the troll dies? A bit like that. It’s almost sad."
Vervain backs up and casts Guiding Bolt on the last remaining bugbear - doing 20 radiant damage! They stare at their hands in disbelief. The bugbear hits Pfenig, who Hellish Rebukes it, saying in Infernal, “Hey, less of that.” The Hellish Rebuke only does half the damage as the bugbear makes its save, but it’s enough - how de do dis!
“Would you just stop it!” With his words alone, Pfenig kills the last bugbear.
And with that, we have beaten not only the DM’s dungeon puzzle, but also his Dragon Heist puzzle!