Ventings

A blog meant for kitsuneleah's benefit, for the sole purpose of venting about things and posting pointless commentary, etc. So it's not the party blog. Follow at your own risk?

[draklorrant]

I learned that testosterone has turned my crying into really UGLY sobs, so that’s an unfortunate side effect

[draklorrant]

You ever just feel completely isolated by your sadness in a corner while everyone else (deservingly!! As they should!!) is busy being hype about a game launch

And like you have to hold it all in as the only person keeping the household running in any capacity

[draklorleah]

It’s sincerely real rough living without any sex hormones for months. I feel like I shouldn’t complain, because it’s not misery, but it’s just.. like that.

I have another two weeks before I can even see an endocrinologist… In the meantime I’m scraping myself along and clinging to what accomplishments I can.

[draklorrant]

repression is some fucked up shit, I didn’t even remember that I was physically hit until she apologized specifically about that. That’s fucked up... and now I gotta deal with the fact that that happened...

[draklorrant]

steakplissken

Can you put Bob Ross or something soothing but distracting on your phone by your pillow? That's still how I get to sleep these days.

It was unfortunately an intrusive thought about “if I fall asleep, I won’t wake up/I’ll die.” And even though I know, rationally, that’s not true, that the sleep is good, I’m healthy and fine, it would keep me forcing myself awake every time I seemed to be drifting...;;;

I tried taking anxiety med for it, but that made the *thought* worse, and turned it into “the anxiety med will kill me if I fall asleep” so it was just... bad

I think I’m over it now, but it was a rough night.

[draklorrant]

I hate that... I’ve been through shitty and scary too-soon deaths of loved ones, so I know what it’s like to go through it, and how it feels to be terrified after of your own mortality, or that you’ll lose everyone you love. I’ve known that terror.

But I still have absolutely 0 consolation or advice when my friends go through it, I hate that I’m so useless to help. 

“How’d you get through it Leah?” idk I had psychotic recurring dreams and finally came to terms with it like 3 or 4 years later-- that’s not exactly *advice* I can give someone...

[draklorrant]

I keep ricocheting between wanting attention and affection and care,

To just wanting to be unseen and out of the way

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Things to Stop Saying to Yourself

1. “I’m no good at …”

Say instead “It’s just a skill, and something I can learn.”

2. “I’m such a failure …”

Say instead “I got it wrong, and everybody makes mistakes.”

3. “There’s no point in trying …”

Say instead “It maybe hard, but step by step will get me there in time.”

4. “Everybody hates me; I’ve got no friends …”

Say instead “It doesn’t really matter what these people think about me. There are others who will recognize my value and true worth.”

5. “I hate myself. I deserve to be rejected …”

Say instead “I am beautiful inside, and have value and worth. I deserve to be cherished and be treated well.”

[draklorrant]

You'd think 16 years later, it wouldn't be so hard to hold your mom's death certificate in your hands

[draklorrant]

I need to stop letting my hedonism hurt people I care about

[draklorrant]

I dont want to go back to work, I want to curl into a ball

is this how he feels? how do i even help...

[draklorrant]

Everything that's wrong is my fault and I want to disappear

[draklorrant]

Leah, you absolute mustard smear

you actual piece of spit

[draklorrant]

30 min into shift- crying alone in bathroom after already getting bombarded with people and overwhelmed

[draklorrant]

not particularly well-rested after nightmares of watching my mom die again, and of my brothers yelling at me that they hated me since i was a child...

[draklorrant]

When u late to work because u been crying for the past couple of hours since waking up, And then ur Ultra Late because your car battery dies in the middle of the night for no reason that you can tell?? And now ur still just crying but on a bus to work now I guess

[draklorrant]

[continues song]

criiied last night and

cried again this morning, at the thought of going back to work :)