First of all, if you’re reading this thank you for taking the time & clicking on the link and checking out my indie recapping effort. This is a much more casual affair than tv.com, tumblr is a place where you can put on your pink velour leisure suit with “babygirl” on the back in cursive and crystals and just RELAX you know what I mean? Put on a face mask and come talk to me about the 16th century since it’s the only thing I think about anyway.
As you probz know, Reign is one of my favorite shows: it’s a weirdly smart show about political machinations, 16thcentury history, and teenage-level love, which is about as intoxicating a cocktail as you can sip. Plus prom dresses and side braids and a cast that is insanely amazing. The first season of Reign was a gift from the gods, the second season had legit horror movie vibes that I was super into, and now third season is packing HBIC Elizabeth I, daughter of my #1 life hero Anne Boleyn.
When we left season two, Frances had learned from old Nosty that he was certainly dying. When we came back for the Season 3 premiere (here is where I’d look up the official title for tv.com for SEO purposes but I don’t have to know because tumblr works via hashtags insert maniacal laughter!) Mary and Frances were on each other like cheese powder on Doritos. After last season saw them very much apart, it was just straight-up refreshing to see these two canoodling. And don’t give me any of that “But she had an affair with Coooonde” because she stabbed Conde straight in the abdomen and Francis has a kid with her best friend but she put that past her and also she like, asked permission to sleep with Conde so, let’s all build a bridge and get over it. Mary and Frances have transcended the turmoil of the early months of their marriage and are LIVING THE DREAM: being teen monarchs living and loving in a big-ass castle.
And building boats outside a big ass castle? I guess it was on the bucket list for Frances.
Also on Frances’ bucket list: calling his tween brother to court so he can school him in the ways of being the Dauphin, and also staring deeply into Mary’s eyes.
Meanwhile, across the sea and over the white cliffs of Dover, we have Elizabeth I facing down a privy counsel of misogynistic velveteen-wearing creeps. This moment was torn from the pages of history, we have the receipts, because every time Elizabeth I met with her privy counselor or indeed Parliament in the first years of their Reign everybody was like “GET MARRIED ALREADY. Make us some royal babies. Tick tick tick. Do you know how embarrassing it is for us to have just a lady in charge? It is like so embarrassing.”
Elizabeth went straight from counsel to the understanding girl talk of Catherine de Medici who was like “Girl these motherfuckers do not want a lady in charge.” Which, you know, true then and apparently true now as we are going on almost three hundred years of America being led by of all-male Presidents.
Back to the subject at hand: Catherine was like “Who runs the world/girls” and then went straight from there to “Lets disempower Mary by slut-shaming her to the Vatican. All these people saw her getting loose with Conde”
Catherine then suggested Elizabeth marry her tween son so she could have a few years with her beloved, Rober Dudley, which if you DON’T KNOW then please understand IRL Elizabeth and Robert Dudley are one of the great romantic friend-couple romance/bromances in history. Long before Elizabeth was Queen, when she was in fact very close to being marched up to a stump and getting her head cut off, Robert Dudley was paying for her out of his own pocket and supporting her and they were childhood sweethearts and I’m going to start crying into my keyboard, but basically these two actors made it happen portraying these legendary lovers and I got chills.
His wife was cracking me up tho trolling Elizabeth with that “gift” of embroidery.
Also I am FEELING the neck ruff. I don’t know if I could pull it off but hell, worth a try. I’ve seen crazier shit on the LA Metro, let me tell you. But most importantly, Narcisse in HOT PURSUIT of Lola.
I’m not sure when it happened but these two are the only thing that matter to me. Narcisse wants to (bites fist) formally court Lola so she knows his intentions are pure, which, like…
but apparently she’s sort of scared of him, or how she feels for him, even though he risked his life to save her and her baby boy. Also Francis is all like “Do not bring that man around my baby.”
So Mary has really no money to continue defending Scotland, but then she was like “What if I hired a Dothraki pirate to steal me some money to continue funding troops?” and the next thing you know a hottie was marching through court and making eyes at Greer.
Mary I wish you had had this idea a long time ago this guy needed to be a regular yesterday. Greer knows what I’m talking about. All he wanted in exchange for his services was half the money, a castle, and Greer and Greer was like “Deal.”
With pirate negotiations underway, Catherine and Elizabeth sent the request that Elizabeth marry Francis’ bro Prince Charles. Elizabeth promised she would then cease aggressions in Scotland. Mary was like “Done and done” but Francis was like “She’ll be in charge of France tho! It’s a trap!” and Mary was like “Um no she won’t, I’m married to the King of France, she’d be married to a Prince, do the math” And then Francis told her she would not have her King for long and giiiirl…
Toby Regbo & Adelaide Kane both absolutely shone in this scene, based on how harrowed up my soul got, I mean. Adelaide legit teared up and Toby’s face was seriously a master class in restrained despair. Their interactions for the rest of the episode were absolutely charged with this grief-stricken sweetness that was pretty much perfect.
Meanwhile Bash was on this whole other trip hunting down Delphine. He is still soul linked to this witchy girl on the run and she is NOT properly lotioning her wrists.
Then Lola put the moves on Narcisse by letting herself into his chambers, putting on a flowy night dress and hopping into the tub. Maybe if she’d skipped the neck-to-ankles chemise Narcisse would have taken her up on her Friends With Benefits offer, as it was he was like “We are going to be married because we are right for each other just you wait and see.” These words lobbed a lush bath bomb of emotions into my coal black icy cold pool of a heart.
Meanwhile Greer and her pirate hit it off, but ultimately he told her that he was considering several applicants for the role of Mrs. Pirate, he’d only seized her booty when he had the chance (I feel like, contractually obligated to make that pun…apologies.)
Also, LOL, remember all those courtiers so eager to tattle on Mary? When they went to the Vatican to throw shade and slut shame the Queen of Scots the Vatican just straight up had them killed. The Vatican has a no tolerance policy when it comes to haters.
Also Elizabeth went all the way with Dudley which in history is a hotly debated point: the actual Elizabeth I had Dudley’s rooms next to hers and was frequently running out and hugging him and kissing people in basically her underwear, but swore on her deathbed nothing untoward had gone down between them. Reign’s Elizabeth I slept with Dudley as both an act of love and an act of autonomy: why not ruin the chances of a marriage she didn’t want to a Prince who would take her job?
So then Mary heard that Catherine de Medici had hung herself after making weet love to a monk in an old mill, but then when the mill went all Saw-crazy and lopped his dick off, Catherine hung herself out of guilt. Mary was like “Are we talking about the same person? Guilt?” and she and Francis realized Catherine had left a decoy behind on the continent and was advising Elizabeth. Because you can trust and believe Catherine has seen far, far worse than a weenie lopped off by a giant mill blade. Like, in her world that is what we call a Wednesday.
Anyway, Elizabeth went down to the coast to meet with Mary and Charles and even wore her biggest broadest ruff for the occasion, but then was completely stood up by Scottish forces,because they were too busy capturing Catherine from English protection.
Megan Follows is truly the best for this whole scene. I don’t know if the tiger was toothless or CGI or just loopy on benzos or if it was actually a deadly great cat, so convincing were her reactions. Mary claimed she couldn’t take on two queens at once but she managed two Queens and a tiger and a tragedy quite nicely.
The point is this premiere hearkened back to the lightness of season one while sort of breaking our hearts at the same time? I’m kinda psyched to be back at Fronch Court guys. It’s been far too long and I am ready for gowns, beaux, and betrayal.
Thank you for finding my tumblr, my biggest hugs to each of you for seeking this out. Week to week I might change format a little since I can, maybe just do photos or just text depending. Anyway, I’d love to see any thoughts you had on the episode & please have a tremendous rager of a weekend.
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