A dream journal

and stuff...

[dreaminon]

14:07:22

Mood check: Ticklish!

I am not better! Worth mentioning I have been paranoid and delusional, overthinking i am going to die someday, and i really don't want that- but i have been slowly forgetting about that fact in order to live.

Now I have this weird... Tickling feeling, in my gut, i felt it on the cinema, it's like i want something and i don't know what that could be.... I have some weird takes but... It can't be... I am confused, it's not hunger it's not happiness it's almost like anxiety but i am not feeling stressed or "bad" i am just uneasy and it's sort of ticklish. Like that sort of mixed nervous, scared but excited feeling you have when the ride at the amusement park is about to start??

My best guess it's -god it sounds stupid as fuck- I'm horny?? Not horny horny- just. How do I even put it in words.

I read somewhere some ace people still have sexual- uh desires? Because that's how the body reacts to hormones?? I think the reason i am feeling weird is i am having this weird impulse my brain doesn't understands as sexual desire, and i don't have a partner so it's not like i have someone to direct these feelings to. I can't look at a random person and say "Oh! They're hot, I'd fuck them!" So i wouldn't jerk off to anything either! I'm just... Uneasy.... Hate to say it, unsatisfied.

I feel like a fucking dog on heat. Just not really needy, or excited you know? It's weird i don't think i am making sense. Can sex be unsexual?

[dreaminon]

It's been a long time, nightmares come and go but i want to talk about one i day last night.

So it's sort of a mix?!

I usually have stressful nightmares, not that... I mean, all of them should be stressful by default, right? But i mean it's usually always about doing a task that is always unsuccessful or its simply too much! (Ex, trying to close all windows in a house) My nightmares also revolve a lot on unrealistic fears? Aliens? Monsters, Dinosaurs and stuff that aren't real... Well I don't know about Aliens! Still, the ones that shake me to my bones have to do with real scenarios haha.

Anyways as normal i don't remember how it started, but i was in my old house which is bad enough already, I don't remember why i was trying to accommodate my old room, i think there was someone with me (a child) And i was already stressed bc of reasons, something was coming, and i was really eager to close the window and the other things, but i couldn't do it fast enough, then i remember i had to prepare myself because he was coming, and i think i grabbed a knife, a small one but one with those sharp teeth and not the smooth ones! Then at some point he finally came in, but i wasn't scared i was actually angry.

He was so relaxed tried to do something i don't remember what exactly, he thought i wasn't going to fight back but I grabbed his hand tightly, slowly cutting along his thumb with my knife. And just recalling it, and the way he screamed in pain and shock is making me so happy, he seemed to find that really painful, i don't remember the details of what happened next, but i think my mom was able to hold him down while i kept cutting or something.

It was a nice dream, i got some satisfaction, just from recalling all the times i wanted to hurt him.

I was however a little scared of myself, i don't give a shit about him i would do it irl literally if it wasn't for the laws of this world. But i get scared i could hurt someone simply for being able to hurt the worst person.

[dreaminon]

This is not a dream but a mood check..

I feel numb, lonely and stuck

Numb because i chose to be like this, this way i wouldn't get so worked up for all the things that happen at home, i choose to shut down any feelings because i was so tired of this, but it's still shit

Lonely because yeah, i have also decided to isolate myself from them, i can run away in my own head and shut everything else down, all i do is sit on my room to draw all day, but i can't think of a single thing to draw.

Stuck because everyday is the same, everyone is moving but i am stuck, i don't change i don't move i don't do anything, i am here alone with all these numbed feelings and life just flashes through my eyes, i don't know what to do or where to turn for help, i feel like crying but doing anything is a waste of energy i do not have. I wish I had someone i trusted enough and cared for me enough as to listen, or to just be there.

[dreaminon]

Worry not i had a really vivid nightmare last night! Among other silly dreams and i hated it dearly <3

Ok so it started on my old house, i was for some reason laying with my back against the blue door, maybe doing something on my phone? When I heard someone coming at the door from outside, they even knocked, and i felt some strange vibes so i slowly turned around and locked the key while also asking "who is it"? But didn't had a reply. So i tried to have a look, the door was supposedly locked and managed to see in a cop uniform this person uh, i don't wish to ever see again, so i freaked out and they realized i wasn't opening the door so they kicked it open somehow. I knew they wanted to talk to my little brother and i absolutely didn't wanted them both near each other, my little brother being even younger in my dream like 3-4 years old than irl. I freaked out and tried to tell stuff like "you can't come in!" Or something but they didn't even cared, there were even more cops outside watching like it was ok and i was losing my mind already when he reached my brother, and as i kept yelling this person just took out his gun and pointed it at my head, maybe saying "shut up" or something i can't really remember, at this point my mind was going at full speed i could think stuff like "I don't like a gun pointed at me" but also wasn't gonna give up on my little brother so i kept asking him to leave a little more quietly, i could feel my mom had come outside and was watching the whole thing when this person just shot. And that's it i thought. That's it i am dying here. After wondering so many times i will finally know what death feels like. I am not ready to die but i am okay with this. I instantly felt all the sounds becoming muffled, my vision starting to black out as i fell down the ground, i felt my forehead warm whit what i suppose was blood coming out the wound. I managed to take a few moments to think, there may be a slight change of living maybe... But all i could think was on letting a message, i wanted to say goodbye to my mom, my brother, my friends... I really thought i was gonna die. And then everything turned black, and i woke up, the same place where i was shoot was feeling numb and warm i was really spooked out.

[dreaminon]

I have been trying to keep up with the dream journal but it's either been silly confusing dreams or i can't fucking remember for more than three seconds after waking up :(

[dreaminon]

Night [Monday 28-06]

I had a lot of nightmares last night, my wrist was hurting like hell and i kept waking up from pain and falling asleep to nightmares again and again, really long ones, but it's okay i wasn't actually scared of those even when the themes were disgusting.

I was on my old house, with my lil bro he was so small as he used to be when we lived there, i think i was small too... The house was empty, we had to get in and out quickly to get something, i don't remember what, and because there was something in the backyard, and the thing that disturbs me the most as of right now is the fact that that fucking thing was coming from my beloved cat's grave, it wasn't letting us out and i locked myself and my lil bro inside the house and expected for the longest time for that thing to try and get inside but it didn't, it was just there not letting us out. At some point i was able to get my lil bro out of the house but things started to change and i was thrown on a second dream, it was something like zombies but the people weren't actually acting like zombies, it was as if something tried to catch me using their bodies, they had blank stares and their mouths were drooling but the bodies moved slowly, i met some people i've never seen irl but i think they knew me, we spent hours and hours running away from the other people, it was night time, we were on a car driving not sure where to go or what to do but to just get away. We got to like a weird park and there was this weird big red metal structure we climbed it and we heard kids laughing... Ngl that was scary, there were actual children there and they seemed normal unlike all the other zombie like people, and it was really late at night so what where they doing there ugh..

There's a lot of confused memories i can't seem to write right now, but i remember also being like on a school trip? And like some people just froze in time, we didn't knew what was happening and who was next. I remember walking around that place full of rooms it was like a labyrinth until i eventually found out everyone was frozen and i was prolly next, but then some started to move around and they weren't human anymore, i tried to hide and get out, i can't remember more. But there's a lot i wish I could properly tell.

[dreaminon]

Night [Friday 25/06]

Last night i dreamed of my dad.

As of today, I haven't seen him in almost a year since i first met him, after 19 years.

Place: I was in a house, it wasn't mine, at least not now, it wasn't one i have ever seen, and it was big.

The first thing I remember is opening the big front door of my big house, i think i was happy there, maybe there was a party going on, and he was there along a young boy, looked like a teenager. I was shocked and upset to see him there, it’s been so long? I didn’t said anything though, His son looked pissed at me as i just kinda ignored them, what was i suppossed to say anyways? i donkt know, next thing i remember is that at some point the boy chased me and told me how could i be like that? ignoring he came all the way here, and after all he’s done for me and that he’s my dad, like i would give a fuck, i remember i started crying and crying, i cried so fucking much that night while my dad just kept his dummy expression on his face and scolded his son saying him "I was a kind person since i forgave him already and that wasn't a thing anyone would do" which is a real thing he told me, at that point i knew i was in a dream, i cried more, because he doesn't know me, he doesn't know the way i cry when i am so angry, i haven't forgiven him and maybe i will never, the only thing I have been kind for is for not telling him a piece of my mind, hes so weak and pathetic i would end up tearing him up once and for all and so even on my dream i bit my tongue and kept crying, because i was so mad.

It's been a while and i don't remember what happened next or when did i wake up. Probably what influenced this dream is the talk i had with my mom about father's day.