Chivalry isn't Dead

I go by many names: The 'Gentleman' The Hopeless Romantic The Naive One Yet, 'ungentlemanly' enough to say the things gentlemen ought not to say Naive enough to hope for a love like in movies, but bitter enough to realise it will never happen This blog is not for the lactose intolerant, because it is cheesy as all hell.

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Adieu

Hey everyone. By the time you finish reading this I won`t be in Australia, or in this world most likely. I hope the following text will let you understand how I ended up how I did and why I decided upon this path. I would like to apologise profusely for the lies that I have had to make leading up to this and hope that you do not think less of me after reading this. I want to strongly emphasize that I am not seeking to place blame on anyone. Please do not blame yourself for anything you think you may have caused because I can assure you the fault is mine alone, I have placed myself in this position.

In a nutshell, I have given up on life. I have given up based on my realisation of who I truly am as a person, my failures in my professional, romantic and family life. I have lost all motivation to continue. There is rarely a night where I go to sleep without regrets about the day or past events. I am tired of putting on a mask where I am strong and everything will be OK. I hope you will all forgive this act of selfishness.

Mindset

This is why I`ve given up. I`m not happy with the type of person I am at the moment and I don`t have the motivation to change myself. I have a fixed mindset, which means I believe I`ve reached my peak, my maximum potential and that cannot or will not be improved. I understand that it seems like and probably is akin to writers block or simply down to mindset but I cannot overcome this no matter how hard I`ve tried.

With this fixed mindset in mind, I am thoroughly disappointed in the person I currently am. All the things I am unhappy with myself as a person (physical appearance, being unfit, fashion sense, being lazy) can all be changed, but I have failed numerous times when I tried to address them. This has led me to believe that I am incapable of change. If you need a way to understand how lazy I am, I have to be nagged constantly just to shower every day, and even then I don`t sometimes.

Romance

Of course this train of thought has not been the only thing on my mind. Not ever having a proper relationship has weighed heavily on my mind. I am not the best looking guy out there, nor am I funny or sociable. Despite knowing that, I aim too high or blame the lack of opportunity as to why I am still single. I feel that they are all excuses. Despite that, I have crossed the threshold of hope, I have given up on the idea that I will find someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. The worst (but only) advice that could be given was that `she will come`. Well I`m sick of waiting and I am not motivated enough to go out and find her. I am always stuck in this limbo of wanting change but being too lazy to do something about it. I hate this about myself. I hate myself even more for being unable to change my ways. Another piece to this puzzle is that because I don`t like who I am, I find it even harder to believe that there is someone out there who does. I once read somewhere `how can someone love you when you don`t love yourself`.

Career

One particular philosophy I had regarding my career choice was I had to either enjoy it, be good at it or both (in a best case scenario). However, both are not the case for me in regards to physiotherapy. If I liked what I did, I would put more effort into getting better. If I was already good at it, then that’d mean i was doing a good job or that the work I put in would justify my pay. During placements whereby I had a taste of post-graduate work, I came to realise how inadequate I was. A recurring piece of feedback I received was that I was on track, or that I’d come to be a good physiotherapist in time, or that things would come with experience. Time has come and gone, in my final physiotherapy placement, I realised that it didn’t come, there was no lightbulb moment where everything clicked. Conversely, this placement would be when everything fell apart. My lack of theory became readily apparent not only to me but also those around me. I lost confidence in my skills as a physiotherapist and subsequently affected how I interacted with patients. Patients lost confidence in me. In the end I decided it was a waste of time for me to treat patients when they had access to the healthcare they deserved instead of a bumbling idiot [that is genuinely how I acted in my last placement]. I am ashamed that I acted like that in my last placement, the time where I was supposedly weeks away from paid work. Although the fear of failing the placement was apparent, what was scarier to me was going out into the workplace (if I could even get a job in it) and providing incompetent care to patients. Despite realising my shortcomings, this did not motivate me to up my game, to make up for my lack of knowledge through study at home. Instead I gave up. One piece of advice I was given in my first year of studying was to “fake it till I make it”. In the end, I didn’t make it; I couldn’t cruise under the radar all the way. Which I guess was a good thing, because it just made me realise sooner rather than later how much I really didn’t know.

As for the career choice, I don’t know why I chose physiotherapy. Although the justification I had made up was because it was a health profession, that thought did not come naturally. My older brother Darwin had originally planned to study physiotherapy and I guess that is where my initial desire started. In year 12 I was grasping at straws for a ‘respectable career’ so I guess that is where I gravitated. Although in another life if I were to choose again, I would probably go down the path of linguistics and translation, but I feel that it is too late for me now, I have spent 3 years in a course that I feel that I cannot complete and I have spent my parents money on a course that will be useless to me. I guess a way I have been thinking of myself lately is a failed investment by my parents and I am genuinely sorry for that.

Family

Growing up I was always envious of other peoples` families. I did not share that same closeness that I saw all around me and I don`t know why. Despite knowing what I wanted, I was still unable to act on that desire and bring about change. I am in no way blaming my upbringing for how I have become because my brother has gone through almost the exact same circumstances and he has become an amazing human being.

I also was unable to confide in anyone else because I had felt that I made up my mind. If a psychologist was unable to give me a plausible reason other than to wait and trust in the future, who was I to burden someone else with the knowledge that I was suicidal. Even worse, if they were unable to convince me otherwise and live with the guilt that they could have prevented it. No, I could not do that to someone else. The other option was to confide in them and act persuaded so they felt that they helped me - but that would mean I would still live this miserable life. Sorry, I am too selfish to do that. Thinking about it logically, no one could help me with my problems. In order to solve my issues, I would have to resolve them personally or else there would be no meaning to it. I don`t want someone to find me a girlfriend, I want to find her myself, I don`t want someone to get me a shitty job, I want to find something that I like and do it well. I don`t want to get poked and prodded to do things I should do (maybe by my `girlfriend` but no one else). Can you guys see the pattern? I want so much but I cannot or will not do anything about it. This is why I`m taking the lazy way out In this world, I still believe we live in a society dominated by survival of the fittest. However what it means to be fit is a lot different now. Bottom line, I have deemed myself to be unfit and unwilling to struggle against a futile force that is my own incapability. It is odd to record my last moments but when I looked over the edge my heart could not stop pounding. It has been like this for the past 3 hours. It is mostly fear but part curiosity. When I leave I will try to do so with less fear. Do not mourn too much, I am finally doing what I set my mind to 2 months ago. I wonder if all people feel like this. I feel the build up of anticipation may make it worse than it is. In my room are letters to some people along with presents, I hope they will be sent home. If not these will probably be my last words. I love you all, I hope you find it in yourselves to forgive me one day.

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

There's a fine line between being persistent and plain old annoying

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Desperate?

Lately I’ve been described by a close friend as ‘desperate’. Another suggested to me that I should ‘stop looking’. I think that these words have affected me more than they should have. These people who have brought up these terms are currently in a relationship and have not had any trouble finding one. Conversely, they have never been starved of attention.I do not mean to sound harsh, but coming from a person who has not had a proper relationship before and has been single for a large portion of his life, I do not think they truly understand the meaning of loneliness. 

Humans are already quite a social species. It is my belief (I may be wrong) that we are subconciously programmed to find a partner, a mate, our other half, whichever way you want to call it. It may be instinctive to find a way to reproduce, or simply our social nature that dictates our need to find companionship. I as a person keenly feel this calling. I find myself often directionless, incomplete (for lack of a better word) when I am alone. I find that I am impossibly productive and that all my systems work as one when I am motivated by the hope of finding a partner. My imagination fires up, I am more inclined to work harder and I find that generally my life is happier when I have someone on my mind. 

Yes, there will be days when I will be able to get through the day without letting such thoughts of loneliness bog my mind and enjoy life just in the presence of friends. Those are good days, filled with joy yet I do not feel content. When my life is filled with couples around me it is hard not to think about the fact that I am on my lonesome. 

Despite all this, I never would have described current myself as ‘desperate’. When the word desperate comes to mind, I think of men who will go for anything on two legs, ones that think ‘she’ll do’. I thought there was a time in my life where I would have stooped to that level but thankfully I have not (I think so anyway). I think I have only pursued girls that I genuinely had an interest in, or ones that I thought I could have gone along well with. I guess that’s because the physical aspect of a relationship did not hold great sway over me. Of course it was part of my considerations, but a lesser part. What I was, what I still am searching for is the emotional bond between two people that grows, that gives you the knowledge that in the world, there was at least one person that cared about you, that was the world to you. 

So I guess no, I won’t stop looking. Although it is not overt, I do subconciously consider every girl that I meet (I admit to that!). It is something that I will not stop and probably cannot stop even if i tried. I have found it difficult to meet new people recently and that may have impacted how I came across to certain people. I probably come off as super keen when I am talking to someone I am interested in and that is because I only have one speed. I think I am more direct and possibly impatient at times. preferring my intentions to be crystal clear to the opposite party. I found that my confidence has increased compared to previous years, however I am not sure whether that newfound confidence is misplaced or not. I also have noticed that I naively expect that since I am direct with my intention, I expect girls to respond in the same manner - that is, if they are also interested they will respond accordingly or if they are not they will let me know. It is in no way or form rude or ‘bitchy’ if you turn someone down. It would make the world go round very smoothly and stop unwanted attention quite quickly. 

I guess I am very dense and either don’t see any signs or refuse to see signs, no matter how obvious they may be, so I would like it to be clear if there is no mutual feelings so I am able to completely detach myself and not have the little slivers of hope, the what ifs, the buts etc linger in my mind any further. I am not sure if that is asking too much but those are simply my thoughts. 

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Dear Problems, 

Why can’t you come one at a time. Please take a ticket and wait your turn.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Fuck you.

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Words inspire me. Not a specific collection of words, but words in general. They have the potential to bring about both boundless joy and unparalleled destruction. When I begin to think about the intricacies behind each word and the thought process that prompted that expression of ideals, I am mindblown. Each word carries such bountiful expression, such delightful subtle hints that I take great care in choosing my words. There are a myriad of ways to convey a simple thought, but there is only one string of simple letters that will perfectly manifest my mind into being. Every time my pen touches paper, it is a battle to choose the right word. There is too much at stake, too much meaning to be lost. Authors are the best.

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Regrets

It's an impossible notion [at least for me] to have lived a life without regrets. 

I am perfectly fine when we are urged to seize the day [carpe diem!] or live our lives as if we were to die tomorrow. It is when we are encouraged to live our lives so that we have no regrets that I have trouble following. 

It is true that when we spend most of our lives cowering, unwilling to take risks, regrets in the form of "what ifs" and "if only" can be seen to plague our lives and bring us to believe that we have lead an unfulfilled life. 

Despite that, action may also cause dissatisfaction within our lives. A rash word, a slammed door or a rushed decision may all cause us to look back at our existence with a rueful smile and suddenly the "what ifs" turn into "I should'ves". 

I may be jaded or cynical, but I do not believe there are many people in this world who have truly lived a life without regrets. I for one have not experienced a perfect day and hence I live with regret. Despite how good a day I may have experienced, there would always be at least one thing that I would go back and change, given the chance. 

That brings me to the crux of the issue: it is human nature to want more. We humans may be happy with what we have, but we always want more. A few more/less hours of sleep, an extra slice of toast, a few more chapters, a few more moments in that test. Humans are perfectionists [well, I am at least]. At the end of the day, we all look back and may think, "today was a good day, but it could've been better if only I did this or didn't say this". And that is where the regret stems. 

However, regret does not necessarily equate to all things bad. Perhaps we all require healthy doses of regret in our lives to keep us going, to strive for even better days to come. Perhaps this is one of many ways that humans may evolve. Through retrospection, we are able to pinpoint our frustrations and shortcomings in life and perhaps work towards rectifying or modifying them.

I guess the take home message is that everyone will have regrets at some stage in their lives. My question to you is will you be brave enough to heed those regrets as warnings and attempt to change yourselves or be caught up in a bitter cycle of self-loathing and inaction. 

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Chivalry: Selfless or Selfish?

They say the act of chivalry is long lost in the modern world. I think that is partly true. Chivalry is rarely taught anymore, it is a way of life that is picked up. A minority of the population strive to uphold this archaic code of honour but why do they really do it? 

Do people adopt chivalry when they fall flat on their face and need something to tell their friends instead of "im ugly, im awkward, she said i smell.. etc?" Is chivalry a way out? A glimmer of hope for those who were not loud enough, not outgoing enough to snag the attention of the opposite sex? It might have been for me. 

Is chivalry an excuse for as to why certain individuals are luckless in love? "Girls only go for bad boys, no one appreciates the gentlemen" seems to be thrown around a lot when you ask people why they're single.

Are girls wrapping blokes up in cotton wool and not telling them the genuine reason as to why they do not wish to enter a relationship, preferring to drop them in the cocoon of a "friend zone" instead of upending the harsh cold truth over their heads?

Why do people act chivalrously? Is it for their sake or for the lady's sake? The same could be asked of philanthropy. Do we do the things we do because it makes us feel better or because it makes them feel better? My cynical view of humans is that we are inherently selfish and whatever we do is for our own benefit and any other good that comes from our actions is just happy coincidence. Some people derive happiness from helping others, others draw off happiness experienced by the helpees.

One of the drawbacks of the human psyche is that we always want to be acknowledged for our actions. This conflicts greatly with the selfless mentality that a "gentleman" must always uphold. I know I am not the gentleman I aspire to be as sometimes after interactions with certain individuals I experience a sense of sorrow, hollowness and pain. 

I guess that is why the gentlemen of this era are largely unheard of or purely do not exist. In this age, name and fame are the goals of the game, with thousands clamoring for their 5 seconds in the spotlight. This isn't helped with the media focusing their attentions onto celebrities and glorifying their lives.  

I've gone on a bit of a tangent but I guess the main take home message is if you act chivalrously, why do you do it? The next time you hold open a door, give up your seat on public transport or offer your jacket to a lady, ask yourself, why do you do it? 

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Remember the HIMYM episode when everyone needed a win? I felt like I needed a win and I thought getting drunk would be close enough. It wasn't

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

The 8th colour of the rainbow is the black of night

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

“We hope for something new but (we’re) never ready for the changes”

[livelifedownhill]

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Time to learn how to drive manual LOL

[bewbin]

I’m single and have no idea how to mingle 

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Being right can be a pain in the ass

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

If only there was a GPS for life

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Is your ass jealous about the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

Lo, S. (2012)

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

The important things in life are better when they're earned, not bought

[dreamsofahopelessromantic]

Thinking of you, wherever you are, Hoping that your sorrows will end, and for your heart to mend For your happiness I pray, and for your heart's content to stay To stay truly near, and drive away your fears As you're about to cry remember that we share the same sky and while the rain may fall It will only take one call And I'll have a shoulder to lend as your best friend So close your eyes, rest your head remember that chivalry isn't dead