🌪Paradoxial

Things are either Black or White, but what happens when you're grey? All my original writing. Please feel free to comment or message me! Main Blog; Linz-slay

[dreamsofaparadox]

The read when you need it

4/28/24 23:23

[dreamsofaparadox]

The hardest goodbye letter I’ve ever wrote

4/28/24

[dreamsofaparadox]

And for the first time in over a year…it hurts a little less. For the first time I can see I’m healing, I can breathe a little better. I still remember your hands holding mine, how they’d brush my skin, the look in your eyes when I looked up, but it doesn’t sting as bad anymore. I feel how much I miss it, but I’m going to be ok. I really think I am.

9/13/23 00:13

[dreamsofaparadox]

Missing you comes in waves, usually it burns a little all the time, but sometimes you take me to my knees, make me lose my breath, and I can’t decide if I want to scream and yell or just stare. I would burn the world for you, but you won’t even light my candle.

02:33 4/3/23

[dreamsofaparadox]

I do not know where or how to start this conversation with you. The one I don’t want to have. But I’ve ran out of options you don’t want me, that’s been made clear. And I want you to be happy but I can’t keep hurting myself in the process. And I kept jumping back and forth on what to do because how do you look at someone whose lit up your world. Whose made everything better and just say I love you but no. How do I look you in the eyes and say I need to let you go? Not because you don’t matter, you matter too much and that’s a slippery slope. This was always going this way but If I don’t leave now it’s going to go up in flames. I want you in my life I just don’t understand in what capacity.

3/6/23 01:21

[dreamsofaparadox]

How do I let you go? How do I just walk away? You are something words don’t give justice to. I need to leave, to run. Your like looking in the mirror and discovering parts of myself I forgot existed. Your the home I never had. Good, bad, beautiful, ugly I want it all. You knock down all my walls like they’re dust, I want to give you all the keys to these dusty old boxes in my head I never dared open.

This was never supposed to happen, you were never meant to be this important to me. I found love right in front of me, slowly falling every day, where it wasn’t supposed to be.

I’ve tried to cut you off, but I missed you more than I thought I would. This is dangerous, I refuse to depend on people or let them in, but the night my world caved in your the only person I would dare let in. The only one I want to let in. How do I leave that? How do I run from maybe one of the best things to ever happen to me? This is either the best choice of my life or something I will regret till the end.

1/23/23 23:43

[dreamsofaparadox]

“The problem is I’ve never been loved, not loved how I need or want to be loved. I have always been a placeholder, used for whatever reason and I let it happen just so for a moment I can feel close to someone and feel needed. I just want to be enough, I want someone to love me. I want a love in the movies or that you read about in books. I want someone to fight for me and stay. I want to be loved. I have always felt so alone, but been surrounded by others and that’s one thing but I’ve never ever truly been actually alone. So just please, let me lay here and feel a little less alone. Just let me hold you.”

11/5/22 23:11

[dreamsofaparadox]

Your a funny thing, I can’t seem to shake you. You got under my skin like no one has in almost a decade, you’re the best. You showed up when I least expected it and I know your leaving soon but damn. I’m going to miss you. I hope you get everything you want and more out of life, you deserve it.

10/23/22 5:06pm

[dreamsofaparadox]

I am toxic to myself. I have this overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, and needed. For someone to really see me and just want me. To be the first and only choice, not an option.

As much as I put on the show of the tough strong independent girl who doesn’t need anyone or anything. I am glass, it appears tough but one wrong move and I break easily the littlest things put cracks everywhere that can’t be fixed until I just shatter.

You scare me. You’re nice to me and I’ve never had anyone genuinely care and just be nice. The little things you do scare me to death but it’s like a drug I can’t get enough of. I only see myself getting hurt but I don’t want to stop, I want to let you break me. You make me feel things I didn’t think I could or would ever let anyone make me feel again. You tore down my defenses without me realizing it and I’m scrambling to rebuild them. You completely terrify me in a way that is addictive. You make me feel so comfortable in a way I never thought I could. I’m trying not to stumble and fall. Everything you do I find so intoxicating but one mistake may have killed everything before it even started. I can’t get it out of my mind, but I can’t get you out of it either. I don’t know what to do.

It was easier when we were friends, I knew where I stood, it was safe. Then you had to go and push my boundaries and give me a taste of what I’d wanted since I saw you. Then I caught myself falling slowly confused and unsure. It hit me then out of nowhere I liked you, then everyday it just got better and better. I was so hopeful and as soon as I said it out loud it all came crashing down. Now I’m hurt when I shouldn’t be, jealous when I have no right, confused because I thought I was good enough, angry because I let my guard down. We talked everything made more sense, I saw you on my birthday I didn’t know how to act. I put on my smile and best chill vibe and tried to be normal. I knew better than to cross the line I did, but I wanted it. I saw all the good and fell for it and now I’m back to square one as always. It’s hard not to take it personally when the same things keep happening.

Part of me wants to yell, scream, cry and just lay it all out there, but your not him. We aren’t anything, never were. We don’t have years of history, we don’t have anything to even give me the right to do that. All I can do is write it out on here to try and relieve some of the stress, because what good would any of it do? It doesn’t matter that I would do everything I could in the world to make you happy, it doesn’t matter that I’d always be there, it doesn’t matter that I’d help however I could, it doesn’t matter that I’d really genuinely care. None of it matters because I will still never be enough. It’s in my dna to never be enough for anyone and I’m scared that’s the fate I’m doomed to.

Late night thoughts 3/14/22 02:19

[dreamsofaparadox]

The same exact go through my head today and that’s nothing changed in 4 months exactly. However I finally got the answer I knew all along.

7/14/22

[dreamsofaparadox]

I’ve spent most of my life trying to be smaller physically, mentally, all to fit in. They say be less this be less that. Don’t be too smart, don’t be too loud, don’t fall to quickly. Boys don’t like that. So I put myself in this box trying to be accepted to have what everyone else haves and it doesn’t work. Then I try too hard and I’m too much. But when I see you I don’t feel like I have to try, I can just stop and let my guard down and be myself, and that’s really scary. So then I try to rebuild my walls and revert back to old habits, because what if you don’t like it, what if you don’t like me and then I find out you don’t. I don’t have the energy to keep pretending, so I’m going to do what I should’ve a long time ago, and just be me. To be fragile, uncomfortable, scared, but also bold, brave and feel everything. I’m going to risk it all because it’s what I deserve, I’m leaving my box and going to try.

7/15/22 00:50

[dreamsofaparadox]

“Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you.”

7/14/22 23:58

[dreamsofaparadox]

For me it’s all the good and bad and everything in between. It’s the light that glimmers in your eyes when you get excited, it’s the pain you try to hide when you struggle to open up. It’s your ability to be vulnerable and kind after everything. It’s your will to change and want to be better. It’s your laugh at the stupidest little things that make you fall over and hug yourself. It’s your passion for the things you love. It’s how intelligent you are without realizing it. It’s your humor to turn a bad mood into a good one. It’s your compassion to help wherever you can. I could keep going but it comes down to the fact that as imperfect as you may feel at times you are so much more than you realize. You are a total goofball, stupidly smart, annoyingly kind, intriguingly complex, genuinely handsome, and are beyond good enough. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for and deserve nothing less than spectacular.

4/20/22 03:00

[dreamsofaparadox]

She was the girl that had all the love in the world to give. He was the guy who couldn't love her back, who couldn't show how he really felt, who couldn't give her the love that she deserved and it broke her. She would question why she wasn't good enough. Why? No matter how much she gave, she never got it back, and instead of blaming him, she blamed herself. She stayed up countless nights wondering where things went wrong or what she could do differently to change them. When it came down to it and it wasn't working anymore. He left and she was still broken. She thought maybe he was the only reason that she was ever happy, but the truth is he didn't make her happy. It was the love that she was giving that made her happy. It was caring for someone and seeing someone else smile that made her happy and even though she didn't feel that happiness herself, she was okay with that. He was happy and he was all that mattered to her.

02:19 4/20/22

[dreamsofaparadox]

I don’t remember the night we met much besides bits and pieces, but the next day I knew I was going to be in trouble. You were so real and reminded me so much of myself, my home, and I knew you were blind to it, so I did what I do best and ignore it and let other people be happy. Then you were suddenly him, my new go to, my best friend, a new piece of myself I found.

Life is blurry though, things happen we can’t control and I remember why I don’t cross these lines, it’s easier to push it down and make someone else happy. I want to be happy though, I know I deserve it, I just don’t think I’ll ever get it. So it’s time for me to stop trying and shut up and go back to the place we were, to keep looking elsewhere because you don’t want what’s right in front of you. I have to be content with where I am and trust where I’m going, you’re special and I know it, but life has other plans and that’s okay, i just need time.

4-19-22 01:24

[dreamsofaparadox]

Why is it the scariest thing you can do is be yourself? Because at the end of the day when you let down those walls and show someone all the good, bad, and grey in between they often leave. It’s one thing to have someone judge you and leave when your walls are up. But to show all of you unapologetically and not be enough? For love to turn into hate? There’s nothing more cruel than to feel as though you are the problem and being yourself is a crime. So it’s easier to hide. To be the wild child, the life of the party, the one who doesn’t care, because if they don’t like it then it’s easier to deal with knowing it’s not the real you.

4-18-22 1:05am

[dreamsofaparadox]

I am toxic to myself. I have this overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, and needed. For someone to really see me and just want me. To be the first and only choice, not an option.

As much as I put on the show of the tough strong independent girl who doesn’t need anyone or anything. I am glass, it appears tough but one wrong move and I break easily the littlest things put cracks everywhere that can’t be fixed until I just shatter.

You scare me. You’re nice to me and I’ve never had anyone genuinely care and just be nice. The little things you do scare me to death but it’s like a drug I can’t get enough of. I only see myself getting hurt but I don’t want to stop, I want to let you break me. You make me feel things I didn’t think I could or would ever let anyone make me feel again. You tore down my defenses without me realizing it and I’m scrambling to rebuild them. You completely terrify me in a way that is addictive. You make me feel so comfortable in a way I never thought I could. I’m trying not to stumble and fall. Everything you do I find so intoxicating but one mistake may have killed everything before it even started. I can’t get it out of my mind, but I can’t get you out of it either. I don’t know what to do.

It was easier when we were friends, I knew where I stood, it was safe. Then you had to go and push my boundaries and give me a taste of what I’d wanted since I saw you. Then I caught myself falling slowly confused and unsure. It hit me then out of nowhere I liked you, then everyday it just got better and better. I was so hopeful and as soon as I said it out loud it all came crashing down. Now I’m hurt when I shouldn’t be, jealous when I have no right, confused because I thought I was good enough, angry because I let my guard down. We talked everything made more sense, I saw you on my birthday I didn’t know how to act. I put on my smile and best chill vibe and tried to be normal. I knew better than to cross the line I did, but I wanted it. I saw all the good and fell for it and now I’m back to square one as always. It’s hard not to take it personally when the same things keep happening.

Part of me wants to yell, scream, cry and just lay it all out there, but your not him. We aren’t anything, never were. We don’t have years of history, we don’t have anything to even give me the right to do that. All I can do is write it out on here to try and relieve some of the stress, because what good would any of it do? It doesn’t matter that I would do everything I could in the world to make you happy, it doesn’t matter that I’d always be there, it doesn’t matter that I’d help however I could, it doesn’t matter that I’d really genuinely care. None of it matters because I will still never be enough. It’s in my dna to never be enough for anyone and I’m scared that’s the fate I’m doomed to.

Late night thoughts 3/14/22 02:19

[dreamsofaparadox]

“What are you supposed to do when you spend your entire life worried that you’ll never be enough and terrified you’ll always be too much?”

2/16/22 3:20am