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I saw images of a hammock earlier and now another one. Last night I thought of me laying in one in some scenario of mine. It seems to be one of many reoccurring themes during this particular era of my life. I’ve always wanted one and maybe one day I’ll get one.

Hey. It’s been a while

My thoughts are always adrift, the same, the similar kind, of the same relating issues and concepts.

Just in conclusion despite all factors of human performance and personality people aren’t nice. Altogether nor am I nice when with people. So I would like to build a secret fortress surrounding just my heart, my mind and things that belong to me with the addition of the one thing I desperately need and desire.. time. Just a space I could call my own with all the time in the world. To alas attain what I would like most, peace.

Every now and then I must feel like this.

Thanks to a whole lot of people. People. Things I don’t very much like

to be around or especially of those just who know me and I know also

This is where it all gets tricky and ugly for me and my mind.

I’d rather be alone

When I don’t have to suffer.

Fucking no.

I haven’t been for days. Not since the night of the 25th. It was normal up until I saw the familiar features of my mums and dads face after entering my home around 3am. I couldn’t dislike them anymore than I continue to do. Parents aren’t a blessing. I know I’ve been taken care of well by them all my life but I can’t stress enough that raising me just to keep me in a cage is not okay. It’s been several years I haven’t liked my mother except the odd occasion I that it’s been diminished and I had. No matter what I’ve come to learn that I’ll never fancy her. I cannot wait to get away from her and this house because of the invisible ambience she’s set around for me. My dads an issue too but not much is expressed between us. All my hate and problems are averted toward my mother. My mother slowly beginning to mean the absolute nothing of nothingness to me. She makes me cry, enforces me with things I say I don’t like or want, doesn’t want me to be happy in my own ways but hers. She’s been the best mother but I’ve grown up in a westernised world and she’s all religion and culture. Boy im starving. It’s beginning to pain. Anyway we have never seen eye to eye. She knows nothing about me and claims she knows best only because I’m her kid. She treats me like I don’t know how to go about things and That I won’t understand anything till someday I’m like her. The goal is not be like her. The goal is to be me and run my life the way I need to and learn from my own mistakes. Even if it’s “too late” according to her. I’m very advanced and no child in gen z wants to end up like the grownups they live with and see on tv. We are all very advanced and know how to make a good happy life for ourselves. We are not naive like the elders might have been as the era of the world shifted during their growth.

Scrolling through my blog on a random note I stumbled upon a letter I wrote to myself on the 15th of this month last year. It was a birthday letter to myself and I want to write another in correspondence to the version I was just a year ago.

Update :

It is Monday 13th of July and I have not done this yet

Mood.

Since falling out of this circle of sadness and into a bucket full of peace and happiness my social accounts have been plastered with signs of the entity. Again and again it’s relentless and tbh great. It’s a good source of fuel for my mind and journey right now. Reading it all helps in reminding me of where I am right now and astonished that I still remain in these good parts of existence

I long to feel this way still. I’m ready to initiate a bond with another soul besides my own. I cannot wait.

Today is one of those days like summer in the light and winter in the shade like most days now. It’s March in the year 2020 and a killer virus is on the loose. Yet I find myself rinsed of all concerns regarding it getting closer to home. In fact my feelings are sublime and I find myself at total ease with living and breathing. This year has been my year so far and not even a killer awol virus could hinder my soul. I guess I’ve found something, something worth living for. Peace and all it’s glory. The blissful essence that comes with. The depth and magic of living has come forth. I feel whole and ready to continue a fine life. I take life as gift more than ever now and I don’t intend on wasting it a moment longer.

Dear my beloved blog, it’s been sometime since I’ve written on you. I’ve just been filling note pages of an app with clutter and spending time with inks and paper. They’ve been hearing it all. So I’ve come to share the feel of this picture with you. Though it’s more about its words and how the photograph builds its meaning. No one gets it, I mean they claim to but do they really even listen? This is my thought my feeling and my exhaustion. No one wants to believe me when i express the words ‘I’m fine’. You should hear me say it. You’d believe me. I’m a happy chap whenever you see me. It used to be just like that on the outside when on the inside I’d be dipping into a pool of my sadgirlshit. But I’ve changed. I have in the ways I never thought. I’m finally better. I’m experiencing what it means to be happy on my own and that’s all I am for now. It continues and I can really feel it inside me. And it is in these days that people think there is something wrong on with me. At home or in my own mind or life. No sir, there isn’t. I wasn’t brought up with any trauma, I do not come from a broken home or even experienced heart break yet. I am not internally at war. You may not know this either but I am not sad people. I just used to be for a long time. No one asked questions then so why now. You couldn’t tell about the sadness before and you definitely can’t tell if it’s here now. I was always seen fine and joyous when you would interact with me. That’s the art of sadness and the state of depression. However the same jolly girl you always see is just a jolly girl now. My dormant inside finally reflects what I look like on the outside. And that’s that. So stop asking my what’s up and let me drink my whiskey for breakfast.

Bro, done it. Been doing it. Still banging on about how good it feels up in here.

Lmao this was me today what a coincidence running into a meme

Self Update

I think I’ve become a little outrageous, I’ve bloomed for sure, I enjoy me more than ever, like I’m another me and I’m getting to hang with this cool person. I feel bad for smoking only when I’m sober. It’s a must when I’m intoxicated. I get over my words and behaviour quicker now. Because I’ve been teaching myself, learning better ways, alas the embarrassing past, humiliation, and all the bad shit is overlooked and unburdened. Life is never over. Start again over and over if I must, but I shall go on. Just move to better places and all the bad slowly diminishes. Just live awesome. Be awesome. Do everything I’ve wanted and I am. I am finding glory and joy in doing things for myself and at my own pace. Drinking till I’m drunk. Smoking till I’m high. These are additional factors, not always but sometimes. It helps the sober me out. I move freely in connection with every part of my anatomy. I am fed by the thought of what covers me so tender and refined in moulding my outer surfaces. I find no problems with what and who I am. I am in love with my calmness and dormant madness. I am solely alive just for me and believe that I do know what it means to be alive and how to live. I’m thriving motherf***** and nothing can stop me now.

In regards to my last post

My eyes are hurting, as if someone’s chopping onions nearby. my body fatigued, tire especially in my eyes, seeking sleep. I will not give into it. I refuse to. I am not ready. I’ve just gotten settled in against the comfort of my abundant pillows. It has indeed been a long day. A jolly movie plays for background noise and sense of enjoyment. Shrek. Once again. Its always a good choice. I drift and admire comfort along with this drowsiness. It’s quite lovely.

Places thou can’t ever imagine

You know I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with my mum. She hits certain nerves over small things and I hate getting over them. When I like her it’s all good again but when I don’t it’s huge and fucking firey. And I don’t even fancy her often anyways. Why the fuck she worry this much. More than other mums do Tf. I’m fucking fine fucking hell. And I get I should be thankful and grateful I have loving caring mum but I don’t ever feel the love. It was never presented in the way it was neeeded. I realise this shit now that I’m older. I’d be so happy and glad if she really would miraculously stop giving a damn about me. I won’t be missing it ever and I don’t need to hear be caareful what you ask/wish for. I been wanting my mum and dad off my back for several years now. It’s a feeling that won’t change. I dream of the days I am out from under their roof. I know what I want. I know how I want to live.

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