Dress in Dresses

Aspiring medical student / Nature Lover / Crocheter / Chemist / Multilingual / Vegetarian / Hospice & Palliative Care Advocate / Nonprofits / Patient and Elderly Advocate

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Been on hiatus lately. Too much going on! Also working on starting something exciting! I will officially announce it once I know what I am doing :P Got these yesterday after the board meeting, too cute!

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I am so heartbroken

Just received a call from the hospice volunteer manager. My heart tightened for a second when I realized it was her. We always communicate via email, even when we scheduled a time for my anniversary celebration get-together. The last time she called was a year ago to inform me the passing of my previous patient.

She said, Ms. H was no longer hospice appropriate and discharged last week. I didn’t know what to say on the phone at all; I was speechless. I told the manager that it will take me sometime to process and decide what to do.

I saw her two days ago - she was using the equipment provided by the company, I asked her how are the nurse’s visits, everything seemed as usual. I am not sure if she understood this whole thing about hospice and what removing hospice entails. 

It’s been a year since I started visiting her. I wrote about her in several other blog entries. This is so cruel. This time too, except that it will be for both of us. I am not sure what to tell her. She was distant in the beginning but now she keeps telling me that she enjoys and looks forward to my visits. 

Because she is no longer a patient, I cannot go as a hospice volunteer. It’s good in some way that I do wish her well. This is such dilemma. I will have to find some way and time because I will likely be assigned to a new patient. I will also need to distinguish the fine line between professional and personal - become a volunteer at that facility or visit as a friend. I don’t know.

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I had a dream that he got married. Only I wasn't the bride.

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Ugh

Two trips to the ER yesterday. Pain that I'd never experienced in my life. It was a screaming and crying uncontrollably kind of pain, at my lower right abdomen. First ER, didn't sound like the progression of appendicitis, not ovary torsion or cyst rupture, discharged. Pain remained after the medication wore off. Went to another ER at midnight. Second ER, suspected appendicitis, benefits of CT outweighed the risks. It revealed infection, not appendicitis, but bad colitis. No surgery needed, thank goodness. But I will soon need to be dealing with all the sky-high bills. FML.

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Made a slice of "rainbow cake" for my language partner's birthday 😁 Pattern can be found on http://onesheepishgirl.com/2011/08/crochet-rainbow-cake-pattern.html, modified for a bigger size

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These are just half of the "office-collection." And there there's the "home-collection" 😁

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90% Of The Time When You Raise An End-Of-Life Convo…

Someone will say, “That’s not relevant to me right now,” or “I don’t know of anybody dying,”or “S/he is nowhere near there.” In Chinese culture especially, many may be reluctant to discuss these issues because of the belief that talking about something bad could make it happen.

It’s completely understandable. Thinking about death and making decisions are anxiety-provoking. However, we don’t always have to have that conversation the very first time we bring it up. We have opened the door. They are processing and when they become ready, they are willing to talk about it.  I use the Heart-to-Heart playing cards as one of the tools to encourage early open dialogues of end-of-life issues. At each Heart-to-Heart Café, participants discuss death and the decisions that come with it. “I don’t want to suffer,” “I want to die at home,” “I want to maintain my dignity,” and “I want to participate in the planning of my health care” are some of the most-picked cards. Yet, why don’t many get the deaths they say they want?

The famous Terri Schiavo case raised ethical, moral, medical, and legal debates and gained worldwide attention since 1990. The parents denied that she was brain-dead and near the end of her life, while the husband insisted that it would not be her wish to live on life support. This definitely was a “wake-up call” and underscores the importance to put wishes in writing. The Advance Healthcare Directive can be signed by any mentally competent adult and can be changed at any time or revoked by signer. It avoids uncertainty, cost, and acrimonious arguments among family, healthcare professionals, and lawyers.

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End of Life

I shadowed a palliative care doctor all morning today and to say what he does is “intense” is a gross understatement. Palliative care centers around treating the symptoms of a disease rather than the cause in order to give a patient maximum comfort. For example, if a patient is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, palliative care would be helping the patient be pain, nausea, and discomfort free for as long as possible. But no chemo. This might seem like it’s in opposition to what medicine is supposed to do, but it’s not. It brings the focus of treatment back to the patient, not the disease. Palliative care helps patients die in comfort and with dignity, and even before shadowing this morning, I had a huge amount of respect for what they do.

This morning, the palliative care doc met me at 8 am in the lounge, where he threw back a cup of coffee, casually mentioned he had rounded on 13 patients already, and then started walking so fast I literally had to jog to keep up. I had expected that the majority of his day would be directly interacting with patients and families, and that was true. But a surprisingly large portion was super intense internal medicine. I never realized how difficult it is to treat the symptoms of a disease without causing unnatural death, or unnatural improvement. In addition to the basic science aspect of a palliative care doc’s job, he or she also has to navigate incredibly complex conversations end-of-life conversations on an hourly basis.

We went through 6 patients in 4 hours. Neither of us peed, ate, or drank. A few of the families of the families refused to listen to him and he had to really fight for the comfort of the patient.Other families were divided and fought each other through tears and sobs. One lucky patient had a huge family who brought smartphones with synced up calendars so they could set up round the clock care and vigils.

By lunchtime, I was drained physically and emotionally. I went home to lay on my couch in exhaustion. The doctor got ready for the 5 families of the afternoon. I could not do what palliative care doctors do. But I thank my lucky stars that they exist.

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This is very inspiring. It motivates me more to pursue hospice and palliative care in the future. Thank you for sharing your experience. :)

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Three unexciting colors go so well together. This was a modified version of the pattern that crochetmelovely posted found here :)

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A very nice lady donated a basket of yarn to our group. There was an unfinished child's hat in it. I picked it up, added the edge and some violets. This will go to a cancer-fighting hero. 🌺

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1. I’ve been a follower of HONY for the past few years and as a Pseudo-NewYorker, I had to get Brandon’s new book. The photography is expressive, and the stories are soul-crushing and inspiring. This book is amazing. Every person has a story. Even though I’m no longer in NY, it reminds me not to forget the people and memories that touched my heart. 2. Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal: I read the library copy, watched the PBS documentary, got a grant to host community screenings of the documentary. It’s made a major impact on my journey of exploring end-of-life issues. Finally I can proudly own a copy to myself. 3. Waiting for When Breath Becomes Air to arrive

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Reflection after a long morning

Spent all morning trying to help a notoriously difficult resident figure out her rent situation. It sucked up all my energy and positivity and right now I feel like crap.

At the new hire training last year, even if I got nothing else out of it, I remembered that “a light bulb gone out may not be a problem for us at all, but it could be an emergency for the seniors.” If they fall, everything just goes down hill from there. From then on, I learned to understand when the residents want something fixed or appointments scheduled right at the moment. Every day, I try my very best to practice compassion, empathy, active listening, etc. However, today, I think I broke all of the commitments and pillars of service.

The management thinks the resident knows how to work the system and always tries to have her way. It’s hard for me to stay neutral and look at the situation objectively. She is a hoarder, has Parkinson’s, 3 daughters on bad terms with her, recently got terminated for a government financial support, always insists that maintenance caused wear and tear to her furniture and demands compensation, etc. As a daughter myself, if my parents got into any form of financial crisis, I would help without a thought. Or if she got along with her neighbors, I am sure she would’ve reached out. But no, none of these make sense in her case. 

I am trying very hard not to get influenced by others’ opinions about her and not to impose any judgement on her. But this is not just addressing a specific, individual problem about “rent;” this also involves her personal, social, and physical issues. She is nice to me though and I am more than happy to develop a long-term plan to work with her to increase her quality of life. But first of all, she needs to realize that there’s room for improvement (that problems exists), and she needs to say the truths.

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I made this zig zag neckwarmer using the same pattern as my other blue/cream blanket. It will go in a chemo bag to a patient in some hospital somewhere in the country, whoever that will be, I hope you will like it :)

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Crochet brought us closer

The first visit to Ms. H., I entered her room with an agenda of what to say. I suggested many activities and projects such as reading to her, helping her write to her family, making crafts and DIY, etc. But she turned them down. She wanted to keep it simple and nothing more added to her space. I left feeling defeated. The following visits we mainly talked. She confided me in her story bit by bit. She told me that she crocheted her sweater and it happened to be her lifelong hobby. I made her a crocheted-rose on Valentine’s Day. This was my first time seeing patient cry and from her genuinely repeating "this is beautiful, I love it, I am very happy, and I will find a special place for it so I can see it every day," I realized that it wasn't just an addition to her space/possession. I realized that things shouldn't be rushed; they will fall into place when the timing is right. She took the initiative and asked me to mail a photo of her holding the rose to her family. The next time I went back, she had painted a vase for the rose. Thank you hospice for bringing us together and crochet for connecting us.

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Sunday study at Starbucks. Thumbs up to Starbucks' new drink - Citrus green tea latte, half sweet (1.5 pumps).

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Photos from yesterday’s solo hike-with a breathtaking canyon view that couldn’t be captured by camera. This was a revisit to this park since last year, and did notice more people at this time of the year.

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I posted on my other social media and got many positive responses and I wanted to share with you guys :)

This Valentine's Day, a rose that will never wilt. 這個情人節，送你一朵永不凋謝的玫瑰 🌹