thanks for the memories, even though they werent so great

i have the worst(best) blog ever. my name is danni and i like many things, check my about page for more info. a shitpost extraordinaire, so anything and everything goes. occasionally inappropriate. IMs preferred over asks please. they/them pronouns only, thank u have a blessed day

[drowninginfelines]

i saw this post in a thread and it really does express why so much of the merch and goofiness suddenly feels so hollow/kind of in bad taste. jax being acknowledged as suicidal but then making fun of it is just...gross

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treatment resistant depression makes it impossible to like anything thats not a fixation so now im just kind of sitting here like...what now. gamoverse sucked, murder drones also had a pretty bad ending, hazbin s3 is nowhere to be found. this is also definitely a "tv fandom" issue but there also arent any current games that im really passionate about. as much as i love expedition 33 it hasnt become a fixation, and draken/nier is something i love but also new media doesnt come out very often

i hope i can find something, because i badly want to heal from my time in tv fandom, and in my experience game fandoms are just a nicer and better environment. my longest friends ive known from utdr fandom, 8-10 years, and theyre all incredible, kind people. i regularly game and voice chat with them, and funnily enough i still get misgendered less than i did in voice chats with tadc people. and at the end of the day i desperately need more good people like that in my life, kind people who are understanding and patient and who could help me heal from being in tadc fandom and its people. but finding those people feels like such an impossibility these days.

i just want/need SOMETHING that grabs me in a way that i can pour myself into it and not get hurt for it. but even still having the ability to love something that much is questionable. tadc was the last thing i got fixated on and being into it was one of the worst things that ever happened to my mental health, and im afraid that the depression has fried the synapses and neurons and whatever else to the point where my brain is not physically capable of being able to fixate on things anymore. and if im genuinely stuck just not being able to like things then whats even the point of being alive?

[drowninginfelines]

even just seeing tadc stuff now puts this deep sense of unease and aversion in me now and i hate it. i see glitchs posts on yt and without fail my immediate first reaction is a sense of like...almost revulsion. it feels horrible. my love for tadc was overwhelming and now the way i feel about it cant really be described as anything other than...bad. and its not like moving on from hs and that fandom, where the story continually progressed into getting worse. this feels so much more abrupt, like yet another loss. this has easily been the darkest period of my life for these past few years and it almost feels like ive been robbed of being able to enjoy tadc. and at the end of the day, what do i even have to show for these past years of being into it anyway? what has tadc or the people it brought me given me other than...debilitating health issues?

it comes out theaters tomorrow, which means there will be tons of camrips out too, and genuinely i dont know if i even want to actually watch the ending. im trying to cope by arguing with myself that the end of episodes 6-8 are all good spots for canon divergence but at the end of the day it doesnt erase the fact that the source material is still...that.

[drowninginfelines]

i have not actually watched it, beyond that scene. i could, i just...kind of dont want to. ive read all the important parts. in terms of endings ive seen it compared to stranger things and game of thrones, which...yeah, maybe. im a big st fan and when my girlfriend and i watched season 5 together we were beyond speechless after the last episode because of how bad it was. i stopped watching game of thrones around season 4 because i actually read the books first and didnt like how much the show was deviating, and im still very glad i dropped it because every new thing i heard about the show was just more and more bafflingly terrible.

i cant and wont be able to speak on the actual quality of the episode itself until i watch it, and that wont be until it drops on youtube. but knowing what i know i did feel strongly enough to refund my tickets to the theater showing(and in my defense, i kind of needed to, i only had nine dollars in my account). i do feel guilty for it, but also dont think i could stand to watch that in in real life in a theater surrounded by other people without having some kind of abnormal reaction. i also know that a lot of other people have refunded their tickets too, and...idk. i fully understand it, its just a massive bummer all around. im morbidly curious if any data will be able to show the amount of tickets initially bought vs how many were refunded after the leak.

which brings me back to tadcs ending. i loved the show, i really did, but this ending has tainted my enjoyment of it, and many others feel the same. but at the same time, i dont want tadc to be remembered like this, just another show with incredible potential that was ultimately ruined by a bad ending. just...no one is happy with this. nobody wins here. what kind of legacy is that?

[drowninginfelines]

actually on that note theres something there ive just realized re tadc and niers character relationships. goose said no ships are canon and shes not interested in telling a story about romance but when i think about jaxpoms relationship in comparison to relationships like nier/kaine or 2b/9s and the implied but never explicitly stated romance between them, and how those feelings stem from the deep trust and loyalty and companionship between them. they are people who care so deeply for each other that they were literally able to change the world, before love or romance is even considered. and maybe im biased for having been a day one shipper but i cant help but feel like if tadc was supposed to be about pomni and jax and their relationship, an implied romance could have worked, because ultimately the story would still be about the strength of their friendship and not detract from that angle. love that comes from friendship could have worked for them, i think.

idk. ive been so miserable thinking about the ending ive been trying to think about other franchises that actually pull off their themes well

[drowninginfelines]

sorry i wanted a story about hope within hopelessness and finding strength and meaning in the connections you make with others. whatever

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and yeah call me a fucking loser or whatever but i deeply relate to jax and all his issues and mistakes and at the end of the day his ending just fucking hurts. his struggles through the series and his constant fuck ups and hurting everyone around him hits so close to home, too close to home, and so this is supposed to be the correct and fitting end for those of us considered to be "irredeemable" for mentally ill behavior? youre hurting and need help? too bad, you behaved poorly so this is what you deserve.

it just feels so, so fucking bad.

[drowninginfelines]

seeing the tadc reactions from ex friends makes me weirdly sad. idk. the thing that brought them all into my life ended up...like that, and no one is happy with it. tadc meant so much to me because of how intrinsically it was wrapped around them, and i hoped i would have at least been able to look back fondly on an enjoyable show and know that in a tiny way we were still connected because we liked the same thing. but this ending just sours all of that, and i feel weirdly bad that they all were robbed of a satisfactory ending. idk how to articulate what im feeling really, just that abruptly falling out of love with something always feels like shit, and the more you loved something the worse it feels to stop doing so. and...idk. i know they were passionate about tadc, same as me. it hurts to know the thing that introduced me to these people is now so stained.

i met all of them through tadc. it will always be incredibly important to me. i cannot separate my love of tadc and the nostalgia of when i think about them from the grief of losing all of them, and this ending really exacerbates the negatives.

i wish this could have been something to keep, even years down the line. not being able to experience tadc together with them, but at least being on the outside looking in i could still hold it close. but now...idk

im just overwhelmingly sad. for them, for myself, for everyone that truly loved this show and wanted it to be the best story it could be. they deserved better.

ive cried a few times these past few days, thinking about them. i wish so badly i could talk about this with them. i still miss all of them terribly

[drowninginfelines]

found out about the tadc ending, and all i can really think about is where i would be if i didnt ever get into this show. it feels like all the pain and grief i have from the people ive met through tadc was all for nothing

[drowninginfelines]

ever since we lost momo, noodles has been horribly depressed. ever since he was little he was obsessed with her. they werent bonded by any means, he got along with the boys and momo at best tolerated him, but he always followed her around and sniffed at her constantly, to the point where we would have to shoo him away sometimes. and even though she didnt really like him they would still sleep on the couch or cat tree together. since shes been gone hes seemed so lost, he keeps sleeping in the little cubby in the cat tree momo used to sleep in, and it felt wrong to throw away the cone from her surgery so i kept it, and i found noodles sleeping with his face partially inside it.

i know he misses her badly, maybe even more than i do, but my brother has been weirdly adverse to even talk about getting another cat. i know its not really something we can afford, but noodles is already 13 years old, and i dont want him to live out the rest of his life alone. hes never been alone in his life, he grew up with four other cats and six people, and as time has gone on the other cats have all passed, people have moved out, and now its just me, my brother, and him, and i dont think hes dealing with being an only cat very well. im intimately familiar with depression and loneliness and seeing how sad noodles has been breaks my heart. i dont want my baby hurting like i do

[drowninginfelines]

now that the move is finally over and im finally able to sit down and decompress, ive just been overwhelmed with grief. i miss my baby girl so fucking badly. we all really thought the surgery was going to save her. i really, really thought she had more time left. after we found out i just held her and cried all night long, and the next morning my brother took her in to be put to sleep since the cancer had spread so much. half of me wishes i had advocated for another day with her, but the other half of me recognizes that i wouldnt be able to be objective about when it was time, and id keep asking for more and more days while she deteriorated. but going from thinking she was going to recover from what we thought was just a bad eye to the sudden news of cancer feels horribly similar to losing lucky. now noodles is the only cat i have left. i want my baby back so badly.

my beautiful sweet baby girl, i love you so so much. i miss you.

[drowninginfelines]

i just noticed that imiya blocked one of my other tumblr accounts after like a year of not doing so. i wonder what made her think of me to do so. my guess is that because now she and angie are friends, they were talking shit about me.

since both of them have at different points leaked my dms, i can only assume all the pain i privately shared with imiya is now all posted in some server to laugh at me, especially since imiya immediately went and vandalized the 2024 doc she helped me write after blocking me.

that whole group just really wishes i would "go away", pretend i never even existed. this hatred still feels so wildly disproportional to any wrongdoings ive done, yet theyre also still so afraid of me that the thought of having any kind of conversation like adults terrifies them. i just dont understand it.

my sister truly believes that all of it was a long con to get me ostracized from the community because im too different to be comfortable around, and while it absolutely breaks my heart, it also makes a lot of sense. i think by now its established that im a gullible and easily manipulated idiot who trusts too easily, and the fact that i trusted imiya with so much of my heart only to be burned for it when she leaked my dms to multiple people just kind of feeds directly into that. and since ive largely been forgotten by said community, i dont even think anyone even remembers me to even ask. though i do know that if anyone did actually try to ask imiya or angie about me, they would either make up a bunch of shit, as in angies hate message she accused me of things that just straight up didnt happen, or when a mutual friend of mine and imiyas asked her, imiya lied to them about the things i said and what happened. that, or anyone asking would just be immediately blocked, because i guess thats easier than confronting something difficult.

ive always tried to be as open and honest as i can, and ive never been aggressive or hateful to my ex friends in the way theyve been to me. it just still really hurts that i want to be civil, apologize properly, and make amends, but these people that hate me so much are either unwilling or incapable of being civil to me, yet still go around thinking of me as a monster when the things they have said and done to me are just. vile

and if any of you still check up on me to laugh at my misery: please know that i do not hate you. i am always, always willing to talk things out. i know ive done wrong and i am fully willing to apologize directly to you. my dms are always open, and please dont be afraid to come talk to me. however much youve hurt me, a piece of my heart will always love you for the good times. if there is absolutely anything at all youre willing to take away from this post, let it be that.

you, imiya, who i confided in so closely and told everything to you, angie, who never liked me much, but i honestly always admired you, kyle, who i always appreciated for being level headed and wise you, gabe, who was so fun to converse and brainstorm writing with and you, kitsch, who truly made me feel seen, and who truly seemed to care about me, the person behind the screen.

all of you have made me laugh and feel genuine joy in your presence. i know ive hurt you all and you dont have to forgive me for it because i already can never forgive myself. all of you have given me things to remember that still make me smile through the tears, even today. and even if you think this is all some corny bullshit, i promise its not. i swear on my life its not.

if anyone at all is ever willing to speak to me again, my dms are always open. i have not blocked anyone, i never have and i never will. the only "ill will" i have towards anyone is the pain ive been caused, but that is why im so willing to work towards a resolution. im not being dramatic, or at least im not trying to be. i just want to be able to move on from this pain once and for all.

despite everything thats happened, despite the terrible things ive said and done, i hold no malice for any of you, just heartache. and if theres even a chance that any of you dont hate me as much as im inclined to believe: please allow me to try and make things right.

[drowninginfelines]

momo is gone now

[drowninginfelines]

a few months ago my cat momo was diagnosed with pink eye. fast forward to today, and it turns out it was actually cancer, and she doesnt have much time left.

these past three years have just been suffering on top of suffering, and i dont believe in bad luck or coincidences. if this is some divine, cosmic punishment, or a sign that no matter how hard im trying things will always go bad, i dont know.

all i know is that something somewhere is laughing at me.

[drowninginfelines]

i was looking through old stuff and found out that i did actually save this video. someone i knew made a silly thing with our murder drones ocs. the one with the fluffy hair is my oc, the other two are not

[drowninginfelines]

thinking of making a new blog. i do miss tumblr and i do miss fandom posting but going back to it after so long feels weird and awkward, to the point where i wonder if it would just be better to start fresh. and very honestly i know im blocked by a lot of people, a different account and name might be good for easing back into fandom...though at the same time im not going to lie or try to hide my identity or anything. but the thought of someone who has me blocked following me on another account is kind of funny to me

[drowninginfelines]

if only i could go back and warn january me that it doesnt get better, it in fact gets a lot worse