#difpost

[drowninginfelines]

i saw this post in a thread and it really does express why so much of the merch and goofiness suddenly feels so hollow/kind of in bad taste. jax being acknowledged as suicidal but then making fun of it is just...gross

[drowninginfelines]

and yeah call me a fucking loser or whatever but i deeply relate to jax and all his issues and mistakes and at the end of the day his ending just fucking hurts. his struggles through the series and his constant fuck ups and hurting everyone around him hits so close to home, too close to home, and so this is supposed to be the correct and fitting end for those of us considered to be "irredeemable" for mentally ill behavior? youre hurting and need help? too bad, you behaved poorly so this is what you deserve.

it just feels so, so fucking bad.

[drowninginfelines]

treatment resistant depression makes it impossible to like anything thats not a fixation so now im just kind of sitting here like...what now. gamoverse sucked, murder drones also had a pretty bad ending, hazbin s3 is nowhere to be found. this is also definitely a "tv fandom" issue but there also arent any current games that im really passionate about. as much as i love expedition 33 it hasnt become a fixation, and draken/nier is something i love but also new media doesnt come out very often

i hope i can find something, because i badly want to heal from my time in tv fandom, and in my experience game fandoms are just a nicer and better environment. my longest friends ive known from utdr fandom, 8-10 years, and theyre all incredible, kind people. i regularly game and voice chat with them, and funnily enough i still get misgendered less than i did in voice chats with tadc people. and at the end of the day i desperately need more good people like that in my life, kind people who are understanding and patient and who could help me heal from being in tadc fandom and its people. but finding those people feels like such an impossibility these days.

i just want/need SOMETHING that grabs me in a way that i can pour myself into it and not get hurt for it. but even still having the ability to love something that much is questionable. tadc was the last thing i got fixated on and being into it was one of the worst things that ever happened to my mental health, and im afraid that the depression has fried the synapses and neurons and whatever else to the point where my brain is not physically capable of being able to fixate on things anymore. and if im genuinely stuck just not being able to like things then whats even the point of being alive?

[drowninginfelines]

this was a message i got from starving artist, someone i used to know in tadc fandom. i always wanted to address this message because of how hateful and aggressive it is, and because all of her claims are exaggerated to the point of falsehood, but i never really figured out how i wanted to address it. it still bothers me a lot though, mostly because along with this message, she had provided screenshots of my dms....with the girl that was leaking my private writing server. screaming about someone being a bad person while also contacting a leaker to get my dms but then still claiming shes respecting my privacy is really, really confusing. and if she is contacting a known leaker just for my dms and threatening me with the fact that she still has access to my private vents from the old server that i had made for them then im dont really think she is actually respecting my privacy. whats strange is that shes mad at me for not respecting theirs, but in my doc where i explained the events of what happened, i didnt use any names, and the few screenshots in there were all from public spaces, so i genuinely dont understand that angle

i still dont know how i want to address this message and ill probably make a separate post for it. i will say though, i find this narrative here that im tortured by being a bad person kind of amusing, cause to me it really comes off as if she believes this. but if anything, this message actually reassured me in some regard, because at least ive never sent anyone something so angry and hateful.

as always, my inbox and discord are open for any questions

[drowninginfelines]

hey

edit: imiya ended up leaking all my dms to multiple people just a few months after helping me write this, so bear that in mind.

hi guys, sorry i disappeared for a while. some stuffs been going on, some very intense depression, some very bad health issues, and a whole lot of grief. i have typed up an explanation of events in a doc so that i dont make a super long tumblr post.

close friends and long time followers can reach out through tumblr dms or preferably through discord at dead__voxel to chat or if you want to know more about what ive gone through this year.

a couple things to note: this doc is long. skip it if youre not going to read it. i dont want assumptions made based on a half-read skim. read the doc in full or please do not bother me about anything in it.

secondly: i mention some things that will probably be upsetting to other people. i would think that however bad you feel reading my experiences, i promise you that i felt a lot worse living them. im not tagging any trigger warnings. if there is anything below in my post that you cant handle, i ask that you just stop reading. if youre a friend you can come to me directly and ask me to summarize, and if not, leave me alone.

here is my explanation.

you can send me asks about it i guess but there is no guarantee i will respond. discord is the best way to reach me.

[drowninginfelines]

life update 2. my cat is dying

my cat star, 19 1/2 years old, is dying. prob gonna say goodbye to him within the next couple days.

i was there when he was born. he was the first newborn kitten i ever held, when i was 12 years old. im 31 now. his mother and his littermate are long gone, and now his time is here. this is the first time ive experienced a cat dying from old age and i dont know how to handle it because i feel like if i let him just ride the rest of his days out then he might be suffering, but if we take him in then we might be robbing him of more time than we realize. but he hasnt been able to go to the bathroom or pass anything, which is extremely bad, and thats why its probably time.

ever since last summer ive had more grief than i can handle piling up and im about reaching the breaking point. ive always been suicidal but now more than ever its beginning to look like an extremely attractive option to me. ive always liked to pretend i was stronger than the average person but i cant handle this anymore

[drowninginfelines]

even just seeing tadc stuff now puts this deep sense of unease and aversion in me now and i hate it. i see glitchs posts on yt and without fail my immediate first reaction is a sense of like...almost revulsion. it feels horrible. my love for tadc was overwhelming and now the way i feel about it cant really be described as anything other than...bad. and its not like moving on from hs and that fandom, where the story continually progressed into getting worse. this feels so much more abrupt, like yet another loss. this has easily been the darkest period of my life for these past few years and it almost feels like ive been robbed of being able to enjoy tadc. and at the end of the day, what do i even have to show for these past years of being into it anyway? what has tadc or the people it brought me given me other than...debilitating health issues?

it comes out theaters tomorrow, which means there will be tons of camrips out too, and genuinely i dont know if i even want to actually watch the ending. im trying to cope by arguing with myself that the end of episodes 6-8 are all good spots for canon divergence but at the end of the day it doesnt erase the fact that the source material is still...that.

[drowninginfelines]

i have not actually watched it, beyond that scene. i could, i just...kind of dont want to. ive read all the important parts. in terms of endings ive seen it compared to stranger things and game of thrones, which...yeah, maybe. im a big st fan and when my girlfriend and i watched season 5 together we were beyond speechless after the last episode because of how bad it was. i stopped watching game of thrones around season 4 because i actually read the books first and didnt like how much the show was deviating, and im still very glad i dropped it because every new thing i heard about the show was just more and more bafflingly terrible.

i cant and wont be able to speak on the actual quality of the episode itself until i watch it, and that wont be until it drops on youtube. but knowing what i know i did feel strongly enough to refund my tickets to the theater showing(and in my defense, i kind of needed to, i only had nine dollars in my account). i do feel guilty for it, but also dont think i could stand to watch that in in real life in a theater surrounded by other people without having some kind of abnormal reaction. i also know that a lot of other people have refunded their tickets too, and...idk. i fully understand it, its just a massive bummer all around. im morbidly curious if any data will be able to show the amount of tickets initially bought vs how many were refunded after the leak.

which brings me back to tadcs ending. i loved the show, i really did, but this ending has tainted my enjoyment of it, and many others feel the same. but at the same time, i dont want tadc to be remembered like this, just another show with incredible potential that was ultimately ruined by a bad ending. just...no one is happy with this. nobody wins here. what kind of legacy is that?