to drink or not to drink

[drunken-shakespeare]

Viola: So what do you have planned for the future?

Sebastian: Lunch.

Viola: No, like long term.

Sebastian: Oh...um, dinner?

[drunken-shakespeare]

Romeo: [picks up phone] Hello?

Mercutio: It's Mercutio.

Romeo: What did he do this time?

Mercutio: No, it's me, Mercutio. It's actually me.

Romeo: What did you do this time?

[drunken-shakespeare]

Macbeth: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.

Lady Macbeth: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Lady Macbeth: Gotta love knitting needles. I can make a scarf. I can make a hat. I can stab your eyes out. I can make mittens.

Macbeth: [visibly sweating] W-wait, what was that middle part?

Lady Macbeth: I can make a hat.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Cordelia: Gloucester, I think you should play the role of my father.

Gloucester: I don't want to be your father.

Cordelia: That's perfect. You already know your lines.

[drunken-shakespeare]

When I’m dead, donate my entire body to science. Except for my middle fingers. Give one to the Montagues, and the other to the Capulets.

Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet, Act III Scene i (via drunken-shakespeare)

[drunken-shakespeare]

Romeo: I think you're still suffering the effects of Juliet's party last night.

Mercutio: All I drank was Redbull!

Romeo: How many?

Mercutio: Eighteen.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Horatio: You have to apologize to Laertes.

Hamlet: Fine.

Hamlet: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Iago: I'm a reverse necromancer.

Othello: Isn't that just killing people?

Iago: Ah, technicality.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Benedick: Must be hard not being able to laugh.

Beatrice: I do have a sense of humor you know.

Benedick: I’ve never heard you laugh before.

Beatrice: I’ve never heard you say anything funny.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Romeo: Hey, you want some leftovers?

Mercutio: What's that?

Romeo: You've never had leftovers???

Mercutio: No, because I'm not a quitter.

[drunken-shakespeare]

When I'm dead, donate my entire body to science. Except for my middle fingers. Give one to the Montagues, and the other to the Capulets.

Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet, Act III Scene i

[drunken-shakespeare]

Hamlet: I can't believe it's December already. Time flies when your life is falling apart.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Juliet: What’s your life motto?

Romeo: [finger guns] Single and ready to mingle.

Mercutio: Bi and ready to die.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Hermia: I know we don’t always see things eye to eye-

Lysander: That’s because you’re too short.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Ophelia: Hey, do you have a bag I can borrow?

Hamlet: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they’re specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.

Ophelia: Literally all you had to do was say no.

[drunken-shakespeare]

Horatio: What’s wrong with you?

Hamlet: Off the top of my head, I’d say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.