Aftermath @drunkenduchess - Tumblr Blog

I will post on this tumblr no more.

for things I’ve posted lately have became irrelevant to my life lately and cleaning up the archive seems would take a lot of time which now I don’t really have. So, I think moving to a new blog is more acceptable option for now.

I will be back in the future to clean up my archives from irrelevant posts but for now on, you can find me on wordpress.

Originally written on June 2016.

12.10 AM

If becoming a robot is needed, then a robot I will be.

11.28 AM

How do you define normal?

What’s normal enough for you?

There are some social constructions of how people define normal. Although it’s not a written rule but there will always be some standards of everything which people made then become such parameter of how people see things as normal.

But if you are standing outside that system, people will always see you as an absurd, one being which is not included in the harmony they created. In which, the harmony itself is surreal.

I never see myself completely being in the system. It’s always fully outside or I just stand in between. Those times when I feel like I’m completely outside the system is the time when usually I deny every single unwritten rule made by society. Other times, when I am standing in between, are the times when I try so hard to understand and blending perfectly with those inside the system. But judging from the two places I always stand at, I haven’t been able to understand its construction and parameter.

Once I thought, maybe it’s the environment I am living in. Maybe it doesn’t match with every particle I am formed by or every thoughts which habituating my mind. So, when I graduated high school I thought perhaps finally I can find the place where I can fit in as the constructed system there. But unfortunately, I don’t find it; even in the place I’ve been living and rotating every day for almost four years.

I still find the unnecessary constructed social standard around me. I may be living in different environment where people can be freer to think and to act right now, but the basic constructed standards are still the same.

People may not recognize it or notice that it’s been ruling their life ever since they were born but being a person who lives mostly outside of it and trying to deny it, I can see how it rules everything in disguise. In fact, those constructed standards don’t have to be disguised because they have been there ever since people can remember. They will think it is there because it has always been there even before the starting line. Those are unwritten rules which change dynamically through ages and eras. Although it changes dynamically doesn’t mean it can change drastically. You can’t flip the rule in one night believing that the standard will eventually change 180 degree in the morning.

I do not know why I write this thing. I also do not know how to write it in the right order. This thing has disturbed my mind for days and I just want to spill it out here. Because if I spill it out somewhere, I may not be understood. They will simply think that I am mad for wanting to be outside the stable system. Or mad because I refuse to work in harmony with it, instead of just go with it, I exile myself from the constructed system. I do not care whether it is normal or it isn’t. Because you can’t get the exact definition of the term “normal” instead.

I do not care if people see me as normal or not. I may be different from most people or I may have no difference at all. But I don’t want to put myself in the same ground as other people who live by the constructed social rule without even once, ask about it. I remember times when I was a child, I wished to be normal. Be just like other people, pursuing their kind of normal, forcing myself to live by their standard. But that was just not for me. I got extremely exhausted pursuing things that just aren’t right for me. I don’t belong in their constructed standard.

I don’t say I was raised by my parents differently than other kids back then. My parents are completely normal, they may be standing inside the system, but they are more likely to accept to those who are not inside or refuse to be inside.

I do not know when all this happened to me. I just know that I don’t want to be ruled by people’s standard which I don’t belong to. I don’t want it to be planted on my mind, root itself, and change the way I am to be the way they are. I enjoy how I am today. I don’t wish to be like other people to pursue their kind of normal or any standard they have.

X: Den, where do you think you will go after you die?

D: I'll be deformed into atoms, and i'll travel through the vast universe in my new form. I could be in different places in the same time, later

X: Why don't you just simply choose heaven or hell?

D: I believe neither of them do exist. Therefore i choose to be atoms.

X: Cool

D: Where will you go?"

X: I'll have my ashes poured in the mountain. There, the wind will blow the ashes and i may go travel the earth and landed in different places eventually"

D: Cool! We could accidentally meet if some of my atoms travel the planet earth!

X: I think it's safe to say that death will not do us part

D: Of course. Although it still will do my physical being part, tho.

X: Well, see you after death

D: See you in another form!

Daily dose of normal conversation with my twisted sister.

Yes, tell me what do you do, love?

🌻 let them talk 🌻

10.36 PM

*originally written on March 3rd*

It’s only been a month since my birthday, but the feel of responsibility from getting older kicks quite hard already. It’s a shame if I don’t act or behave like the age I’m very well presented by now. Yet, I can’t figure out what will I do or what should I achieve in near period of time.

Least I could do is to treat myself better.

I’ve been following some mental illness issue from some portal I am used to check regularly. Especially, the part about ways to treat mental illness. Not that I suffer from one, but giving myself such treatment really does enhances my mood lately. There is nothing wrong from giving too much attention for your own condition, mentally or physically. That’s how you treat yourself as a proper and descent human being.

So, as a start, I distance myself from some relationships which do me wrong. I cut some people whose existence has been contributing to create negative energies on me. They usually end up bugging my mind and make it more inefficient. So, why should I keep things that prevent me of becoming more brilliant and productive? Not that I am burning the bridges permanently. Who knows that I may bump into some of them in the future for work related stuff. But I am beginning to stop staring at those bridges and looking at the other way instead so I will forget that those bridge exist, eventually.

I may feel bad about this at the start, but I’ve learned that forgetting ones’ existence is one thing I am best at. To stop caring is to give your mind more space to be filled with much more important and resourceful knowledge than having to worry about ones’ activity. I’ve never thought that not knowing about something could feel this good.

That and trying some new things I’ve never thought to try. I learn to cook. Well, certainly I don’t want to serve anybody regularly as housewife in the future, not even my hypothetical future husband, but making some delicious treats for myself is one of the ways of making yourself even happier. It’s simple but the effect is quite something. I drown myself more into English literature, I spend much more time to read. It’s one thing I’ve been missing for years. I used to spend a lot of time reading but not since college. I learn to write more using much varied vocabulary to enrich my English. I certainly learn much more than having to care or worry about some people who apparently are just jerks whom I unfortunately bumped into and knew.

Well, I can say it’s a very promising start to a whole year ahead.

archatlas

Cathédrale Louis-Marie-Theodore Dauphin via

drunkenduchess

painfully beautiful.

11.48 PM

Anda pernah mengatakan "Karena nila setitik rusak susu sebelanga". Percayalah, saat kata-kata terucap dari mulut anda, malam itu, tiada yang rusak. Segalanya masih utuh pada tempatnya. Mungkin sempat tidak dapat diraih atau redup cahayanya, namun saat itu semuanya masih sebagaimana ia meatinya. Masih utuh, tidak bergeser, belum ada yang rusak. Namun, percayalah, tindakan anda selanjutnya yang merubah segalanya. Bukan hanya bergeser dari posisinya, segalanya berpindah dan mungkin tidak dapat dikembalikan sekalipun ada yang meminta sambil memohon dan bersujud. Tindakan anda setelahnya adalah nila dan memang benar apa yang rusak tidak dapat dikembalikan. Percayalah, saat peribahasa itu terucap dari mulut anda malam itu, segalanya masih utuh, baik-baik saja, tidak ada yang bergeser. Namun apa yang anda katakan setelahnya dan apa yang anda perbuat, yang sangat bertolak belakang dengan tiap kata yang terucap membuat munculnya banyak pertanyaan. Pertanyaan-pertanyaan cukup kuat yang membuat hal yang tadinya tidak bergeming pun berpindah. Menghancurkan apa yang tadinya masih utuh dan memutar balikkan apa yang tadinya baik-baik saja. Percayalah, tadinya semua baik-baik saja, sampai anda menunjukkan bahwa memang segala pertanyaan yang muncul tersebut tidak boleh diabaikan. Hal-hal yang terucap dari mulut anda memang sudah selayaknya dipertanyakan dan tidak ditelan kecuali sudah tersaring dari ampas yang paling halus sekalipun.

07.02 PM

(Originally written on February 28th)

I don’t know which part of the world you came from; I don’t know its custom. But mine says, you can’t ask someone for their help after you wronged them twice without apology. You can’t ask them to trust you after you lied to them twice and doesn’t seem to feel wrong about it. Or perhaps you can, but do not expect help or someone’s trust are still there coming your way for they have rights to ditch you off and make you none of their concern even though you need it so bad.

You are mature enough to not make any scene with people who may help you whenever you need it, for they will lose their trust on you. Or perhaps you are not?

Turn out I don’t really know about you after all. I don’t know which one of you is real and which is not. Is the part of you whom I was talking with the last time real, or isn’t it? but I guess we agree that it is none of my problem anymore, am I right?

There’s this parable which I heard in the church one morning about a fig tree in a vineyard which hasn’t bear any fruit for years, here’s the rest of it goes:

“A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'for three years now, I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'”

The gardener still asks for another year just in case the fig tree will bear some fruit next year. That’s the end of the parable.

By the time I heard it, I know exactly how it relates to me. The fig tree resembles all the time, the energy, the compassion I had towards you. The man who asks the caretaker to cut it down is the logical thinking that fortunately still I have. It is like my own brain tells me to cut down any feelings, compassion, anything I have left towards you for it only feeds up from my energy, my time, my concern, but not bear any fruit from it.

I gave you time and energy and concern, also compassion but you only lied to me to be with one person who disgusts me the most for this person has also wronged me in the past but doesn’t seem to feel bad about it. But I guess that trait matches the both of you best than with any other people, eh?

So, this is me, saying that this, once again is your loss. It is yours alone and not mine. All fruit that I asked for was just some loyalty. But instead of being loyal, you gave me rotten made up words. Well, I guess that answers everything. You, once again, have lost me and I don’t lose any single thing. I stopped mentioning your name in my every prayer by the time I found out so many lies you have lied before me and you. By that time, anything that happened to you is no longer my concern. Why should I? If my concern only feeds up your ego and draining my energy.

youreallygotme-now

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Nighty night, thunders.

#dead #traitors #typewritter

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