Deaf – Hearing romantic relationship – my own experience
You know, there was a time that I believed I would meet a deaf man, and have deaf children. Fast forward a few years and I’m happily in love with a hearing man. The reason I believed I would end up with a deaf man because I thought it would be easier. Easier to meet, easier to communicate, being deaf would be something in common. Being deaf and dating within the hearing world has it challenges, and full of disappointment. Especially for me I have many people who stopped talking to me when they learned I was deaf, or used me to satisfy their curiosity of meeting/dating a deaf girl. So naturally I started to want to be with a deaf man, and that was a challenge in itself. I’m not 100% fluent in sign language, or very involved in the wider deaf community. I’m deaf, but very much integrated in the hearing world due to my parents’ choice.
Through online dating I came across someone who caught my eye, and decided to ‘like’ his profile rather than private message to say hello. I was worried that he wouldn’t reply after looking through my profile, I mentioned that I am deaf. I got more messages from guys when I didn’t disclosed my deafness…. Online dating is window shopping. We want the pretty things, not the imperfect that’s on the ‘for sale’ shelf. So I pretty much stopped message guys first and just like their profile which basically sends a notification to them saying ‘hey, this girl likes the look of you’. He messaged me back…. God this never happened before! Usually I have messages from sleazy guys but not from someone that I was interested in. My first thought was ‘I bet he not read my profile, and just thought what a pretty face’ and would stop messaging me when he learns that I am deaf. Boy, was I wrong!? He thought it was ‘interesting’ and wanted to know more.
After messaging each other for a few weeks, we eventually had our first date. I was very anxious, total opposite to him. I had the usual first date anxiety: what if I’m not attracted to him, or him to me, or we didn’t connect. On top of that I had my ‘deaf anxiety’; will I understand him? What if he mumbles? What if I mispronounces words? And the truth is I did struggle to hear him but luckily he had really clear lip patterns, which made it easier to lip read. I thought he spoke posh!
The first time I stayed over, I slept in my hearing aid. Which fellow deafies will know is rather uncomfortable. I slept in them because I didn’t want to take them out in front of him, they can get gunky at times and there’s an element of vulnerability when I take out my hearing and be in completed silence. Also hearing people do have a habit of talking to you, after you’ve taken them out and everyone feels stupid as result of this. Plus we tend to lay in the dark talking, till we fall asleep. Then there the question of ‘intimacy’ and the debate of hearing aids in or out. Hearing aids in equals amplified breathing, feedback and whistling, and hearing aids out equal no verbal communication. And first time sleeping with someone does require some kind of verbal directions.
Then there the meeting of his family and friends, who are all hearing and most likely never really came across a deaf person or have had the opportunity to learn any deaf awareness. Great bunch of people, minimal deaf awareness. Especially in group settings, they talk to me without getting my attention so I’m not aware that they’re talking to me, mumbling, speaking quietly to name a few. Being a deaf person and like all deaf people, we adapted or we pretended we knew what was going on.
Fast forward 16 months and we’re living together.
I can lip read him clearly, no little to no issues. Remember lip reading is mainly guesswork. I now go to bed with 1 hearing aid in, and when he starts snoring. I know he’s asleep and the hearing aid comes out. Over time deaf awareness amongst friends and family increased due to spending time around a deaf person, me.
Deaf hearing relationships has its challenges, but they can be overcome. This is down to good clear communication and adapting to each other. He wasn’t deaf aware when we met but after getting to know each and talking about how my deafness affects me, and what support I need. He became much more deaf aware, and more than me sometimes. I’m forever talking to him when he’s in the other room or going upstairs, and then I don’t understand the response. I can’t blame him for that. I need to practice what I preach. He makes me aware if I’m saying something incorrectly, and helps me to correct it. This sometime makes us laugh. Sometimes we misunderstand each other, but we always talk it out. Being deaf is a communication barrier in itself, both partners need to be understanding and respectful of this. Not to be impatient or get too frustrated if not being understood.
There will be a time when he will be a hearing person in a deaf world, and the shoe will be on the other foot.
I’m grateful that he is open to learning sign language and has learned a few signs. It warms my heart when he tells me he loves me in British sign language (BSL), it means more than saying it verbally. It doesn’t mean he love me more or less, in whatever way he says I love you, but in BSL to me it means acceptance. It means I love the deaf you. More importantly when we have children there is a strong likelihood that we will have a deaf child (I really hope so) and our child will be brought up both orally and using sign language. I want my children to be able to fluidly move between both worlds. Something that I didn’t have the chance to do.
Overall I am very lucky to have found someone who completes me.
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