valdrin q&a 1
After a life-changing trek through the harrowing and deadly Gedrith Hold, Valdrin Calmyrak reveals almost all in this shocking one-time interview! (Post BD1, Pre BD2)
"How would you describe the drow race and your relationship with them?”: "The most fearsome creature of them all; especially the females. They are cruel, oppressive, and hateful. The only respect they have is for themselves; and I find this extremely debatable, considering the treatment of males. All of my life among them I felt like I lived within a double standard; there was a demand to be strong of body and mind, yet also an expectation to appear submissive and weak so that I would appeal to a potential (female) mate. I pity both men and women drow for their service to Lolth. She is a cruel malignant god, whom in youth I accepted blindly. In later years, however, I found my faith slowly collapsing. I was never honest to others with my feelings on the Queen after they changed, as such would mean my death, but there were some I assume that saw through the facade... I was always an outcast within the drow, ever since birth. I had little friends as I was perceived by many to be too weak, too stupid, too trustworthy. And I didn't help my case by involving myself with other men. Considering how children must be born to continue the lineage, and the status of men as subservient to women, it is both taboo and exceedingly frowned upon to have any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with another man. Women engaging with women is more or less accepted, but these relationships are generally sexual, not to mention rare considering the drow's competitive nature.
On top of everything else, as I grew up there was a strange magic that was developing within me - magic I could not control. There were times when - what I now understand to be "magic surges"- would trigger and cause chaos at unintended times. This didn't help with a variety of my social relationships. And although magic is not unfamiliar to drow, there was a fear of my powers because they were not learned from books, as they usually are. Rather, they were innate and utterly untamed. For these reasons, I didn't particularly mesh well within the community. And so I suppose you could say I don’t connect with them rather well -- both back then and now, obviously."
"What is your sexuality? How has your understanding of it changed over time?”: "I suppose now I identify completely with having an interest in men, women, and whatever between... but this was not always the case. During my days in the Underdark, I rarely found myself connecting with or being interested in those of the “fairer” sex. There were many who were beautiful, of course, and in the back of my mind I had always felt as though there was a desire to copulate with one of them, however I could hardly ever bring myself to look past their cold, callous demeanors. While perhaps there are outliers, the social norms of the drow are strictly upheld, and so it seemed to me that every woman I encountered had always had that same heartless, prickly demeanor. And so underground my relationships were almost entirely with men. There were a rare couple relationships that brought me happiness, but they never lasted long. Many of these relationships or advances upon myself led to more ridicule and rumors about me. But regardless of my upstanding, I could only bring myself to engage with the same sex at the time. It wasn't until after I had escaped the Underdark, introduced myself to society on the surface, and learned how different women are above than they are below that I accepted that I was not exclusively homosexual. Sune as well has allowed me to accept and appreciate the beauty of women. Though what beauty drow women (or even the men, to be fair) may have - if any - I have yet to see." "How do you understand the idea of “love?” What does the concept mean to you?”: “Love? Perhaps before this recent adventure of ours through Gedrith Hold I would have asked if I had ever experienced such a thing. No... “Love” which I have known for so long had always come with... attachments.
Do you love your friends? Then stop causing trouble with your magic. Do you love your sister? Then stop getting in her way so she can succeed. Do you love your father? Then be a man and help spy on our enemies. Do you love your fiance? Then listen to everything she says. Do you love your mother? Then stop being who you are. Always, this notion of “love” seemed to come with some demand or another. But I had known for many years it to be wrong -- this feeling of poison in my veins when I think upon the word “love” in relation to my life in the Underdark. No, it wasn’t until I had read many forbidden texts stolen away from the surface and used as tools of manipulation that I realized how wonderful and divine love can be... In fact, I spent much of my time reading what famous texts I could on love and romance. Some tragic, some heroic, but all inspiring. What a wonderful thing love can be, I thought... But as time carried on I started to wonder if love was only a fairytale - an unrealistic concept which my soul would never know. And I had almost completely given up on it. ...Well, I think until I’d met Lady Igrene. Until I’d met Miss Eurwen and Sir Cameron, my two other dearest friends. Our time together has been so short thus far... but yet I can feel it -- the absence of attachments. Love for me for myself, in spite of what I may or may not offer or how much of an inconvenience I may be... No, I may not yet understand completely what “love” feels like... but I believe I have a better idea now than I have in decades.
"Were you once actually arranged to be married? Who was your fiancé? How did it get broken off?”: "Yes, I was actually engaged at the time I fled the Underdark. To everyone's surprise, especially my own, there was a woman who desired to court me. Though I recall that during the time leading up to her introduction I had been trying my absolute hardest to blend in, so perhaps that explains it. Anyways, after numerous rumors of my relations with men had spread I was under even more pressure by my family to adhere to societal standards. I think this is what finally allowed an engagement to happen... Her name was Nenne. She was not as cruel as my mother, but she had her moments. I had little choice in my mate regardless; this was the first woman to have shown serious interest in me in all of my life, and my family - even I - was desperate. At that point I had wanted so badly to forget everything I'd ever read about the surface... everything I'd ever dreamed in vain of doing, and finally, finally have a normal life among my brethren. More than anything I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to belong - and I was ready to give anything and everything up to do so.
But then, my father died. The day after, I returned to Nenne. I hoped she would comfort me - even side with me against my mother - but in the depths of my heart I knew to expect nothing. What a received was far worse. She did not need to speak. The moment I brought the subject up, I saw it. The look in her eyes... in her face, I saw the reflection of my mother in that moment - the moment she told me she had "rid herself" of my "worthless" father. I remembered that chilling moment as I looked into the eyes of my betrothed. And I realized that I could be subject to that very same fate -- the very same betrayal. In Nenne's visage I remembered that I was disposable... And so, I fled."
"How has living on the surface been? What was it first like to set foot above ground?”: "Life on the surface has been a blessing. It has not always been easy... It still isn't. But I would take my worst day above ground over my best day in the Underdark without hesitation. Of course, there are those who discriminate against me for my heritage - and I do not blame them - but after getting to know me a little, most seem to ease up. Or at least laugh a little. I think being an entertainer helps in this, haha. Regardless, I really do enjoy life under the sun. I feel like I can truly be myself. Initial integration, however, was an alien process. My first interaction with surface-dwellers was the caravan that caught me on the road. I only asked for directions to the nearest town, but I could see the weariness in the eyes of the passengers as they looked up and down my twilight-colored body. I offered the driver one of my family trinkets in return for the information, but then he told me to simply board the wagon for passage. Perhaps he realized how tired and lost I was. And so I traveled to Redwater where I spent the night at the local inn. I bought myself a new outfit and cut from my head my long locks of hair... Then, I had thought that it may hide me from any pursuers, but looking back on it now... Well, I realize how foolish such a thought was, for not many drow exist above the earth, haha. Still... perhaps this was something I felt appropriate for the start of my new life. Regardless, I rested that night and left by foot as the sun broke the next morning. Those were the days when I was first teaching myself to rise and set with the sun. -- And of course it was difficult, for in the Underdark, it was always night... but I can be stubborn - and it was something I convinced myself I wanted to do... But anyways, that morning I traveled further north, putting as much distance as I could between myself and the mine from which I stumbled out of. Eventually I reached the city of Cressela, where I live now."
"What was it like witnessing the Festival of Turnfyre for the first time? How did it inspire you to become a performer?”: "Without match, it was beautiful. As I made my way through the gates of Cressela for the very first time - as I pushed myself through the sea of people - I did not expect the sight that my eyes would meet. There was a parade. Costumes upon costumes composed of vibrantly-colored cloths. Men on stilts. Jugglers, jesters, tumblers... Long, twirling banners and confetti that showered like rain. And in the markets and spilling out into the nearby streets were booths lined with richly glazed pots and delicately crafted jewelry. It was absolutely wondrous, and its merriment was like nothing I had ever glanced upon before. There were smiles everywhere. And I had seen smiles in the Underdark, yes -- but they were sick, warped, malicious... Every single one, always tainted. These were smiles of pure content. Joy. It was the height of the Festival of Turnfyre, Cressela's weeklong celebration in honor of the arts. As merry men, women, and children danced past me, so too did I feel my anxiety - my fears - sweep away with them. There was poetry and song, as well as a play that very evening. With rapture I took all of it in. I don't remember if I even stopped to eat that night, I was so entranced, haha. And at the end of the play, as sets were taken down and actors ushered away to their homes, I with fluster asked a straggling performer where - and if - I could join them. He explained to me that the festival was put on by the local performer's guild, and that those who paid their dues may join and learn the craft. I had come to Cressela with little thought as to what I would do, but then, all of a sudden, I had found my direction. I begged the guildmaster for my acceptance. She was curious... yet cautious. She knew I had no money nor inheritance with which to pay my admission. And, again, my drow ancestry caused another to look on with fear. ...And yet she accepted me. Of course, it was not in charity; I was given many errand tasks and cleaning duties to pay my dues, but this was of no detriment to my spirit. I had a new bed, a new room, a new home, and - for the first time - an ambition: to become an entertainer, so that I may live within a world where others always smile."
"When did you decide to leave the Underdark for good? What was that journey like for you?: "It was the moment I greeted Nenne post my father's death that I knew I had to leave. To an extent I could reason with myself my father’s fate.. To an extent. But rather, his death was something that I wanted to rationalize -- wanted to accept. Because as I have said before, at this time I had been trying to blend in -- let go of myself to become more like my fellow drow. ...But my eyes awoke when they met Nenne's that day, and they could no longer stay closed. And so I quickly made an excuse and hurried to my room to separate myself and devise a plan. By then I had been aware of an expanse of caves, though we were not to travel into them. It was fairly obvious to me by then that these caves likely were the way to the surface; and even then, if they weren't, they would at least lead me far from my home. After gathering supplies (water, rations, rope, weapons, and the like that would support me in my escape), I stole into the night. I traveled as fast as I could, for as long as I could. I had hardly the courage to stop once I had left, for fear that others may find me and try to bring me back, if they decided not to simply kill me on the spot for my abandonment. Luckily, I was met with little opposition outside of bugs and rats. The journey lasted a small number of days - though after a while it had become hard to tell. Eventually, I stumbled into a small, decommissioned mine. And on tired feet I eventually stepped out of the rocks and onto grass... and it was then that I saw the sun for the first time, just as it was setting on the horizon. It was bright - almost unbearably so - but to my fortune it soon set. I wandered in the night, and then long into the next day, virtually blind as the sun rose higher and higher. Now and again I would trip and fall, but each time I picked myself back up. I had been traveling along a country road when a caravan rolled up from behind me. After talking with the driver he let me aboard, and later I found myself in the town of Redwater... There were times, I admit, as I gathered supplies, snuck away into the darkness, traversed among the caves, even riding down the caravan road, that I wondered if what I was doing was right. To be honest, I was scared -- almost enough to give up everything and turn back. I didn't know who or what I would meet on the surface. There could be many dangers - both of beast and of men - that might be unbeknownst to me. I thought that I very well could be running to my own death. But each time I reminded myself that certain death was what I was already running from -- that is, if not death of the body, then surely death of the soul."
“What is the name Valdrin Calmyrak? Does it mean anything?”: "The name I first gave to that caravan driver, and the name I continue to live by. I hadn't given it any thought about it then when I gave it to him; it wasn't until later had I realized how silly and perhaps revealing the name was or is. 'Val' means 'dark' or 'darkness.' 'Drin' means 'rogue/stealer.' To me, it brings thoughts of stealing the darkness away for cover as I made my escape; or perhaps how I "stole" myself from the Underdark... 'Cal' as well means 'noble' or 'lord,' and 'myr,' 'bones'; though 'myr' also can mean 'lost' among females, so... 'Lord of Bones?' 'Lost Lord?' -- I suppose that one isn't as contrived as first name. The '-ak' was more or less just a lilt on the end. 'Calmyr' doesn’t sound quite right to me -- to me, it sounds incomplete. But to my knowledge 'ak' doesn't mean anything... But yes, 'Valdrin Calmyrak' is the alias that I have lived by for years, and luckily I respond to it just as I would a real name now. As far as I'm concerned, it is my real name. I shall admit though... 'Valdrin' is not without his problems, I’ve come to realize. As I continued my work among the Performer's Guild, I grew a greater and greater lust for attention and admiration. So yes, 'Valdrin' can be haughty, stubborn, and attention-seeking, but he is also passionate, honest, and - somewhat - confident; and that can be seen as - at the very least - an improvement over the person I once was."
"So if you are Valdrin Calmyrak now, who was Elend'il Ven'arluth? What does that name now mean to you?”: "A remnant of a sordid past, and a name I would rather forget. ...The mere thought of it brings clouds over my bright skies. It is a sea of isolation and misery that washes over me in my remembrance... Elend'il was a man born into a foreign world. He was a son brought up in an ill-fitting family. He was a lover with no other half. When I think about Elend'il I see no future, no happiness... nothing except for wasted tears and promises of a short life on countless pairs of lips. Elend'il was always clutching at something; only to return his hand with nothing. Elend'il fought, surrendered, wept, let go, pretended... but never did he get anywhere. He followed long-forgotten trails that he believed would lead him home, only to find that he was still endlessly, hopelessly lost. To me to be Elend'il was to be absent."
"How do you feel about Eurwen Honeyscroll?”: "There are feelings for her that I can't quite admit. She is, of course, beautiful; it would be a slight upon Sune not to admit so... However, there is something, some part of her that sometimes finds it way to the surface that I find equally tantalizing. I don't want to believe it is just lust. But whatever the case, for now we remain only friends. There have been moments during her visits where I've tried to divulge with her my deeper feelings, but always it ends misconstrued... Perhaps I can't phrase myself correctly under such stress... More likely is it that though that she does not return my feelings. She must be simply content with making suggestive jokes and letting the moment pass."
"How do you feel about Lucius Cameron?”: "It's a small disappointment that he didn't return my interest, but it's to be expected, haha. I have had my fair share of rejection. I hold no ill-will for Cameron because of what he does or does not like. He is an admirable friend; warm, kind, and actually quite humorous at times as well. His strength reminds of me some I coupled with in the Underdark -- however his is a strength to protect and do good; not to manipulate or threaten. Anyways, I hope that we can be friends for many years to come."
"How do you feel about Igrene Gedrith?”: "I would say she is the most important woman in my life. She is a wealth of beauty and serenity, but also sadness and despair... I hope to relieve her of such ailments through our new life together. Now that I think of it, though, there are many ways we are similar... Suffering under the cruel punishment of selfish women... Family taken from us by those we trusted... Left alone to endure in silence for years upon years... Oddities that make us hard to fit within modern society... And yet we both must also share that same hope for a better tomorrow. ...Yes, that is what I believe binds us the most. Sure, there are many that think we are an item, but I love her as friend and mentor first and only. Through her I may shed the selfish nature 'Valdrin' has adopted... And through her I hope to learn better how to make others smile." “How do you feel about Takako Taiki?”: “...Must I be asked such a question? Ah... what even is there to say? I feel deeply for what happened to her -- it was an awful, retched curse that that axe put upon her... But even so, was it entirely the axe...? I suppose we might never know. But really, I... I do feel awful for that whole affair. But what was I to do?? It was obvious to me that if she didn’t... you know... that she would come back and try to kill me. There was something awfully wrong and vicious about her. And for all the destruction she caused in such a short time span... Well, I felt as though there was no going back for her. It was either then, or the gallows... And to me, it seemed like a mercy, then... ... I do wonder from time to time though about how else that situation could have resolved... All I can say is that as I knew her - before that incident - she seemed to be a loyal person and a strong fighter... perhaps even a friend. Perhaps. But it’s obvious my feelings are quite mixed on the matter. I should say though that wherever her soul is, I do hope it is resting peacefully. ...For her sake, and for mine, admittedly.”
"How do you feel about Tomas Eldrydyn?”: "Tomas Eldrydyn.... A name only amongst a few others that chills me to the bone. Never had I thought that I would be met with such opposition in my entertainment career. I mean, certainly I have encountered many an irritated audience member -- not to mention those in the Guild who still meet me with apprehensive gazes... But a thoroughly-trained and well-renowned assassin with nothing less than a deathwish for myself? Even now it is still impossible to fathom. Perhaps only I could garner the attention of such an erratic individual. Regardless of the case, I cannot deny the immense effect the man has had on me. When I... 'dream' at night... When I close my eyes for just a moment too long... When my illusory fingers rest on the delicate strings of my harp just before I begin a performance... the ghostly image of him is there, plaguing me. -- Glaring down upon my lonesome figure from the far back of an enshrouded theatre. Each time is a reminder of that singular moment: the moment that I believe I could have saved him. The moment where I failed him, myself, and Lady Igrene. For - as I can understand it - there was no reason for him to die. -- No reason other than I was simply not good enough to motivate him to continue to live. ...And that, to me, is failing as an entertainer.
...You know, as strange as it might be to admit, I truly feel as though he was the better one. - The better entertainer, that is. Because as I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider his actions... as his last breaths escaped his dying body... I remembered something - something I'd long forgotten as I began to devote myself more and more to being a performer. For so long did I let myself become wrapped up in the idea of being an entertainer - of being loved and admired and accepted - that I forget what I had originally became one for. Because of Tomas Eldrydyn, I remembered that it wasn't about me. It wasn't about my fame or my recognition. It was always about them... The audience. Other people. And in my own haste to finally feel accepted and loved by others... I forgot what mattered most. To make people smile... even when it’s been a long day at the docks. Even when your lover has decided to leave you. Even when the cost of war rests heavy on your shoulders. To live in that world full of smiles... I wonder how close you were to that goal, Jester Thomas?”