~~ it ain't easy

Closed private writing blog penned by Jam.

[dumbofassary]

last updated 7/19

starters to do:

buck x becky

buck x ryder

buck x thatcher

buck x santino

preston x chessie 

wes x seth

wes x ryder 

replies to do: 

too many 

[dumbofassary]

brutcllysoft​:

ROWAN.

Wes is a great dad when he’s there. The problem is that so often he isn’t there. Or he’s half there and too pre-occupied with a bottle of liquor to be the kind of father he is capable of being and that Ryan deserves. Rowan doesn’t get it — and honestly, she probably never will get it because addiction isn’t something she has ever struggled with. But it would be a lie to say it didn’t drive her fucking crazy to watch it happen. “Doesn’t seem like you hear me,” she points out with a raised eyebrow. “Because you keep doin’ the same stupid shit over and over again.” She shoots him a look of pure disbelief when Wes tells her that he’s doing better. “You don’t have to lie to my face, Wes.” She rolls her eyes, turning to grab a cup out of the cabinet before filling it with water. “No, I don’t know where he is,” she huffs out, feeling defensive. “I don’t know. Things have been fucked since he came home.”

He can tell his sister is getting annoyed with him, “I’m not doin’ it on purpose.” He couldn’t help his habits, as much as he wanted to. Being a dad, that was his number one responsibility and yet, he wasn’t making it seem like it was. Where would he be without his sister? Where would Ryan be without his sister? “I’m tryin’ my best with everything.” He at least thought he was. “I know you know what it’s like, being a single parent. It ain’t easy and I’m jus’ overwhelmed, trying to make everything work.” It was probably not great to be saying this to her sister of all people, considering she had a husband in lock up and things were now fucked as she put it but he wanted her to know that he was trying. “I haven’t gotten into an accident riding drunk in a long time, since before he was born.” Such an accomplishment. “Is this about me or more about Andy?” 

[dumbofassary]

devilwomcn​:

REINA.

Where some people find Wesley funny, Reina just finds him aggravating. She simply doesn’t have the patience to deal with his severe lack of brain cells more often than not and she’s hardly ever willing to humor his stupidity. He’s Rowan’s brother so of course she tries — sometimes — but then he opens his fucking mouth and Reina can feel her blood pressure rising almost immediately. “My car in the driveway didn’t tip you off?” she raises an eyebrow, more than happy to acknowledge his presence once and go back to flipping through some home and garden magazine Ro left out until Iris decides she’s ready to leave her playdate with Maddie — which more than likely will end in Reina dragging her home kicking and screaming, but she’s willing to put that particular headache off for ten more minutes. But then Wes pulls her deceased husband’s pocket knife out, and she nearly sees red. “Wesley, in what fucking world do you think it’d be a good idea to give my trigger happy fifteen year old a pocket knife? Unless you’d like him to test it out on you first.”

He wasn’t sure if Reina liked him or not, honestly. Sometimes he felt like she did, sometimes he wasn’t so sure. But that didn’t stop him from talking to her. “I wasn’t lookin’ at the cars,” He shrugged, figuring that there were always cars in the Thane’s driveway. “I mean, it is his dad’s, isn’t that a good thing? He won’t wanna use his dad’s, it’ll be like preserved, like a fossil,” Honestly, he liked fossils too. “I had a pocket knife at his age too and I didn’t do too many stupid things with it.” Her definition of stupid was probably different than his, though. “I could teach him how to use it. I got mad carving skills. We could go fishin’ in the bayou, carve the fish when we’re done. And then make it for dinner.” He felt for AJ and Rhett, thinking about what it would be like for Ryan. “I’m just sayin’, you can use me. I’m a dad now, that counts for being responsible right?” 

[dumbofassary]

bridgesbxrned​:

HARPER.

.

This was ridiculous. There was no reason for her stomach to grow wings and flutter around when the blonde man in front of her said things like glad you’re here. This was her place of employment, dammit. And Wes was her best friend’s twin brother, this was complicated. Everything she felt when Wes was in the room was complicated. But when they talked it wasn’t. It was like it was the only thing that made sense in this wild town. “Glad you’re here too,” She said finally. Shoving ice into two glasses, pouring water out of the soda gun that the bartender taught her how to navigate last week. 

Sliding the full glass across to Wes, she shook her head. “It is - I’m sure he needs to special order his helmets.” Cool panini thing was easy enough, she scribbled those exact words down and slid it across the order window to her sous chef who barely acknowledged Harper when he took it and got to work. “Always got time for you, Wes,” She hummed, moving around the counter to sit on the stool beside Wes, turned so her elbow is resting on the bar and she’s facing him. “You think I’m payin’ for my own food? It’s a good thing you’re pretty, Wes. But you can buy me dinner some other time.” Nudging his ankle with her food she grabbed her glass. “What’s goin on with you? Riding bikes with your friends in matching jackets?”

He felt like he was riding on a high, something that only really happened when he was tlaking to her or drinking. “My boy’s smart,” Smarter than he was already, he knew that. He hoped he had his aunt’s brains more than his own. He then perked up when she mentioned hanging out, “Can I?” He figured it wouldn’t be a date or anything but he truly wished it was, “I can get Ro to watch Ryan, and we can do that,” He didn’t know if she was serious but he was about it. At the mention of what he was doing, he shook his head, “You make it sound so, I dunno, juvenile,” He teased, though sometimes he did wish it was that simple. Not doing anything illegal, not killing people, just straight up vibing. “You should come riding with me some time. I got a helmet with your name on it. Actually, it’s got nothing on it but I could put your name on it if you wanted. Could be my gift to you.”

[dumbofassary]

paiintedinflames​:

ANDY.

It was difficult to keep up with how the relationships in his life had changed since he went to prison — And all the ways they stayed the same. Wes, for instance, had always been Andy’s best friend. That hadn’t changed since he returned from prison, but his marital problems affected their friendship more than he liked — At least, on Andy’s end, it had become a source of anxiety. If worse came to worst, he wouldn’t fault Wes if he cut ties with him. He was Rowan’s brother after all. Part of Andy knew he was just succumbing to his own anxieties, even if he tried to tell himself it was rational. It’s becoming easier and easier to let himself get caught up in a flurry of what if’s and hypotheticals when his marriage is, for lack of a better phrase, on the rocks. Pushing the thought from his mind, he takes another drag of his cigarette and turns his focus to whatever bullshit his best friend is about to ask of him. Knowing Wes, it could be anything from a beer run to 7/11, to armed robbery. Pushing smoke past his lips, he eyes the man in front of him before letting out an amused chuckle. 

“Use that thing between your ears, dipshit.” Andy points out, tapping his own temple with his free hand before taking another drag of his cigarette. Truthfully, he was pretty shit with math too, but he wasn’t going to admit to it. Leaning over, he glances at what Wes is working on. “Why the fuck aren’t you usin’ a calculator? This shit would go by a helluva whole lot faster.”

“You think I got the time for that? It takes forever to type it into the phone. More of a hassle and then what if I fuck up the numbers? I ain’t takin’ the fall for that. You got the big head, you gotta have a bigger brain.” He never paid attention in biology but he figured that had to be how it worked. “Y’know, I was over at your house the other day. I mean you don’t know since you weren’t there. Where are you at these days?” It was straight to the point but he owed it to his sister to ask his best friend what was going on. Not only that, but he owed it to Andy to help him if something was happening that he needed help with. “I know you ain’t taking math classes, dude.” If he was, then maybe he could help him. “What’s goin’ on?” 

[dumbofassary]

devilwomcn​:

LIZA.

ELIZABETH WARD + @dumbofassary​ LOCATION: Ward Ranch’s Main House

Liza has never been an early riser, but sometimes her end of the night end up being everyone else’s early morning, and at that point she usually just finds it easier to just stay awake. It’d been that way when she stumbled home at the crack of dawn earlier, mascara staining her under eyes from the night she’d before, heels in hand as she did the walk of shame into her father’s house after lugging herself home from a one night stand who’s name she had no intention of remembering. She isn’t proud of it, and the last thing she’d want is one of her brothers or her father or Santino seeing her like this (and she’s not exactly keen on dissecting the reason behind that so early in the morning either), so she quickly makes a beeline for the back door of the house in an attempt to sneak inside and up to her room for a shower, but not before noticing some hands standing around the corral watching someone get knocked sideways by what looks like the most neurotic horse she’s ever seen — and of course, after she stops to get a closer look, she realizes it’s her fucking brother.

By the time Buck finds his way back to the house it’s much later in the morning, and Liza is fresh as a daisy sitting at the kitchen island, the sins she committed the night before washed down the drain like nothing happened at all. “Mornin’.” She’s oddly cheerful as she greets her brother, all smiles as she cuts into a disgustingly syrup-y pancake in an attempt to curb her hangover. And it’d be weird, except her joy is a product of her watching him almost kill himself on a horse earlier that morning before even some of the birds had started chirping. “Watched you try to break that new stallion earlier. You bust a nut too or just your skull gettin’ bucked off that thing?” At this point, Liza swears her brother must get off on getting the shit beat out of him by the animals he rides, and she’ll never let him live it down.

He was used to waking up early on the ranch, at least when he wasn’t out late from the night before. The sun went up and he usually came up with it which was probably a surprise to some people. He liked being an early bird or whatever, and on the days when his dad was with it, he figured Jim Ward was impressed. There was no way in hell he was getting left in the dust after he died, he’d wake up at 3 am if he needed to. The ranch hands were already up and being pussies about helping out with a certain horse that they had recently brought to the stable. They were all hesitant but he wasn’t. He had ridden bulls for a living and a horse whose nickname was Caesar wasn’t about to scare him. He’d show them all that this horse could be tamed. Well, that was until he had his shit rocked by him and walked away limping. He still had his pride. Right? 

Hay was still in his god damn hair as he walked back inside, though he didn’t feel like wiping himself off. He’s lucky he didn’t accidentally get into some horse shit too from corral. He didn’t realize his sister was going to be right there, watching the whole god damn thing. Liza always had something to say, so of course she had an opinion on his little outside adventure. “Takes a lot more than that to break my skull.” It was thick or something. “I’d like to see you try and ride him out there,” Though he couldn’t remember the last time he saw his sister on a live animal. “He gets fuckin’ possessed when a person gets on top of him. I’ve encountered bulls that were more trainable than him. So you wanna go for a ride on him?” He teased, before heading towards the fridge to find some fresh orange juice. “I’m sure that’d really impress dad.” 

[optional]

RICKY WHITTLE in AMERICAN GODS | 3x01 - A Winter’s Tale

[dumbofassary]

​STARTER FOR. @brutcllysoft​ LOCATION. Ward Ranch. ​

Buck loved his daughter. They practically shared a name they were part of the same family, and yet he still felt so distanced from her. She felt more like a younger friend than a daughter at this point. He was young, though, no one could blame him for still wanting to to do PBR, right? Most of the times that he saw her since she moved home, he was basically just making small talk with her. That was pretty much the extent of their relationship. 

“Hey Bex,” He said as he spotted her inside the house, both of them waiting for the Ward family dinner to eventually start. “So I was wonderin’ if maybe you wanted to come with your old man to a PBR race? They’ll be honoring me and stuff. I dunno if you got work,” He wasn’t expecting her to say yes, “But the offer’s there. It’s next month, the 10th. You could bring your friend Ryder too.” 

[dumbofassary]

devilwomcn​:

LARA.

“Bite your tongue, Josh. I am helping her.” Lara’s tone is sharper than it maybe ever has been with her brother in law, her eyes wild and her jaw set as she looks at him. Her brief moment of anger at him doesn’t last much longer than a few seconds, though, and soon her shoulders are sagging as she shakes her head in a desperate attempt to convince herself he’s wrong. “I’m helping,” she repeats, almost hopelessly because despite Lara’s best efforts, it’s far from the truth. Nothing she’s doing seems to be helping at all, but that doesn’t mean she can stop. Eventually her sleepless nights and tireless searching have to be for something, Ellie has to be found. “I can’t just stop looking. If I stop then everyone else will stop, too. I have to keep trying and I can’t — I doubt marijuana will bring me enough peace to help me sleep, anyway.” At this point, she isn’t even sure she’d be able to rest easily if someone took a rock to her head and knocked her right out. Mindlessly, Lara runs her nails over her cuticles, picking at the raised skin in an absent minded attempt to feel something other than the numbness that’s made a home in her. “My doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill. I’ve been too afraid to take them.”

“You are helping.” He repeated, not wanting to take that away from her. They were all doing their best and yet it didn’t feel like it was enough. But Lara needed to rest or else she’d wind up going mentally insane. “You’re doing an amazing job. You’ve always been an amazing mother,” That was for sure. “But you also need to get your rest so that your head stays on straight. You’re smart and resourceful but that’s no use to all of us if you’re not on your A game.” Which only happened if she actually got her rest. He couldn’t imagine, though, losing his daughter and having to go about his daily life. He was barely coping and Ellie was just his niece. “No one’s going to stop looking. We’re not going to stop looking. Ever.” He’d be damned if he ever just stopped. “Marijuana makes you sound like an old lady. You can say weed,” He teased, “Trust me, indica puts everyone to sleep. I’ll even stay awake while you’re sleeping if you want and I’ll keep looking.” Which was probably more than Tom could say right now. “Will you at least listen to your doctor? You can’t keep living like this.” 

[dumbofassary]

brutcllysoft​:

CASS.

“I’m not even tryin’ to be nice about it, Joshua. Your face is fucked up.” Cass raises an eyebrow at him, her free hand moving to gesture vaguely to the discoloration and swelling he’s currently sporting. It’s definitely not the worst she’s ever seen him — there had been one time he had ended up in the hospital and Cass had only even been half sure she had taken home the right guy at the end of the night, his face was so mangled. “You need ice and you need Tylenol or else you’re not even gonna be able to open your eyes later.” Cass can’t help the laugh that comes with his question, rolling her eyes dramatically and humming as if she’s thinking about it before shrugging. “I dunno. I mean, he was practically drippin’ in diamonds when he rolled up…” Obviously she’s kidding, it goes without saying.

The fingers of her freehand tap anxiously on the side of her leg as she tries to avoid the urge to chew her freshly manicured nails. “There were those couple searches when she was first…”  Cass trails off, her throat feeling tight. She still can’t say when Ellie was taken, the whole thing feeling far too surreal. She had tried to be optimistic at first, telling herself that Ellie had just wandered off and was a little lost and dehydrated but she would be back before long. Now, it’s hard to deny the possibility of anything other than someone had taken her and something horrible had happened. She can’t think about it for too long though, or else she’ll completely lose herself to the grief of it all. “Lara thinks that Sherman guy is gonna have a breakthrough on it,” and Cass, obviously, doesn’t agree with that. She thinks the detective is too busy mooning over her sister to actually do his job, but she’s trying not to step on Lara’s toes right now. “I think we have to let her do it at her pace.” Even if she hates it.  

It was sweet that she cared so much about him. If this had been about ten years ago, when they had first gotten together, it might’ve scared him away. But now? It made him love her even more. He had never had someone love him as much as she did before. “Will you still love me even though I got a fucked up face?” He knew the answer and was just joking around, but that’s how he coped with all this shit. “You’re worryin’ too much. It’s not gonna swell more.” He didn’t know shit and the last thing he was going to do was look at himself in the mirror after a bad fight. Ignorance was bliss, after all. “I love watching you right beside the ring.” She got into it as much as he did. Ride or dies, that’s what they were for each other.

The shift of talking about his niece was somber. He had seen plenty of movies, plenty of documentaries, he knew how these things usually turned out. But he still had hope. “I got this feeling,” He admitted, “Like she’s still alive. I can feel her.” The two of them were close to their only niece and this was hard. It was hard for everyone, it was hard for Lara and Tom, it was hard for the whole family. But he could feel Ellie. Like she was right next to them, laughing and playing. “I have hope. But those police guys, they’re doing nothing. it’s like we’re doing more than them. How can they live with themselves?” 

[dumbofassary]

brutcllysoft​:

ANGIE.

Leave it to Alex Novak to kill her buzz. The kid is like walking, ginormous marijuana smoke cloud that floats around looking for people to make as miserable as he is. It’s annoying. He is annoying. And so, of course, Angie takes it upon herself to be just as annoying right back because she knows as much as she doesn’t like him, he hates her even more and even if it’s bad attention, she kind of loves that she can get under his skin so easily. 

She flips her hair dramatically, lips jutting out in a faux pout when Alex practically chases off the small handful of boys she had been flirting with to pass the time. “Aw, what’s the matter, Alex? You jealous no one’s flirting with you tonight?” She tilts her head to look up at him, furrowing her brows and batting her eyelashes a little. “It’s probably because you’re walking around with a stick up your ass. You should try smiling more. You know, have a little fun.”

“Nah,” He shook his head, “I just know the types of guys that come around here. I figured this place isn’t really your type of scene.” She could do better but he wasn’t going to say that out loud. Maybe he was jealous. Who wouldn’t be? Not just because he sort of liked her but because he didn’t know why he wasn’t getting flirted with as well. He was just as hot. “Does it not look like I’m having fun? I mean I was, until I saw your annoying ass.” Oh the irony of how he was doing the exact same of the dudes he had just chased away. 

“So are you gonna let me buy you a beer? Or are you too good for a simple drink?” Times were changing, drinks that he could never really get on board with were being introduced. He’d stick to his beer and shots when appropriate. “Cause y’know, I’m not havin’ fun or whatever.” He didn’t like to show that he was having fun or any emotion, really. His mom used it against him throughout his childhood and his dad’s nonexistence left him with issues of showing any type of emotion. 

[sonandheirofnothinginparticular]

[dumbofassary]

brutcllysoft​:

NORAH.

Norah doesn’t really know how to exist around Billy anymore and she hasn’t for a long time. Even before she had told him that she thought they should separate, maybe even divorce, and he had moved out of their house. At one point they had a practically picture perfect marriage and the perfect little family — until they decided to try for a third child. They had tried and tried and tried a million times before it finally happened and then within just a quick few moments at the hospital, it had all been snatched away. ‘There’s no heartbeat’ they had been told and nothing has ever been the same since. Norah knows Billy blames her — at least, she thinks he does. It’s the only explanation for how strained he has been with her and that strain had only gotten worse as time continued and eventually it became exhausting to be tiptoeing around each other like this. 

So he had moved out and she and the children had kept the house. The kids, admittedly, haven’t been coping with it very well, both of them often acting out due to all the changes going on and it leaves Norah feeling like she’s grasping at straws. She misses them when they go visit their father but there is no denying that the quiet is welcomed and she takes full advantage of being alone every other weekend. She greets the kids first before looking up at Billy, something tugging in her chest at their new reality. “He does that a lot these days. I think he’s just giving us a hard time. It’s just a phase.” She hopes it’s just a phase anyways. The redhead hesitates for a split second, wanting to cut this painful and awkward interaction with her soon to be husband short but she knows the kids probably wouldn’t hate being put to bed by their father. “Sure, if you want to. He’d probably like that — Natalie too.” 

He felt like what they had was perfect. Maybe too perfect since it all fell apart. He wasn’t sure what happened. He loved Norah, he still loves Norah, that’s something that he knows for sure. He remembers holding her hand in the hospital, the news getting told to the two of them together. And that was it. It was like something switched off and he wasn’t sure what but now he was living in lonely apartment without her and the rest of their family. It was terrible. He wasn’t happy. Who would’ve thought they’d have some sort of agreement where he’d have the kids every other weekend a year ago? Not him. 

He almost shuddered when she mentioned that it was just a phase, knowing that at one point he thought this whole separation thing was just a phase. It sucked though, not knowing the exact phases his son was going through because he wasn’t as present as he was when they were living as a family. It just wasn’t the same. “I hope it’s just a phase but I get it. I’d wanna live off of fudge pops too.” He also wanted to be with Norah, and he unfortunately didn’t always get what he wanted. “I’ll be out of your hair after they fall asleep,” He assumed that’s what she wanted, though he really did just want to hang out with her afterwards. She was also his best friend and it was hard to not be spending time with her and just talking like they used to. “And what would you like?” He asked with the slip of his tongue, unable to stop himself, “Maybe we can catch up on the kids afterwards, making sure we’re on the same page?” 

[dumbofassary]

brutcllysoft​:

ROWAN.

Rowan can’t stop herself from rolling her eyes. She has always been an easily irritated person and her brother is no exception to that. If anything, he’s usually the first one to ruffle her feathers — maybe it’s just because he has been doing it for the longest, annoying her since before they were even born. Ro loves Wes more than just about anything, but it would be a lie to say that she didn’t want to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him sometimes. This, obviously, was one of those times.

“You weren’t drunk?” She asks, a brow raised and it’s clear by the look on her face she doesn’t believe him. “You’ve got beer practically leaking out of your pores, Wes. Don’t lie to me.” If there is one thing she hates, it’s a liar. The more Wes talks, the more annoyed she seems to get. He’s always been so casual about his own life but Rowan had been hoping that would change once he had a child to be responsible for. “You have to think about Ryan. Who is going to take care of him when you do wreck your bike and they have to scrape you off the road?” Obviously they both know the answer to that — she would take her nephew without a second thought, but that is besides her point. She only stiffens further when Wes asks about Andy, letting out a huff. “I don’t know. He never tells me where he’s going anymore. You probably saw him more recently than I did.” 

“I ain’t got beer pourin’ outta me,” He took it pretty literally, wiping his head to show her that he didn’t have any liquid on it. Maybe part of him was self-sabotaging, knowing that Ryan deserved a better dad than him. He tried really hard to be a good dad, he really did, but maybe he wasn’t. And that scared him half to death. “I got you, though. You could bring me back from the dead.” She was a doctor, after-all.  “I hear you.” Which was true, he did hear her, it just didn’t sink into that thick head of his. He’d probably be doing the same thing the next time she watched Ryan. He knew his sister would always bail him out when he needed it. Whether he was hurt, actually in jail, or if Ryan needed to be taken care of. She was basically his clutch and probably the only reason that he wasn’t dead. “You don’t gotta worry about me, I promise. I’m doin’ better.” He wasn’t. But he brought up Andy to change the subject anyways. “You don’t know where he is? What’s goin’ on with y’all?” 

[mancandykings]

[dumbofassary]

brutcllysoft​:

VAL.

Val can already feel this brewing into a fight. She and Makai have a relatively stable relationship and over the decades they’ve been together, there haven’t been many fights to write home about but there is no denying that their marriage isn’t what it used to be. There has been a shift the last year or so, but especially in the last six months and Val is trying desperately to get them out of this slump, though apparently her husband doesn’t care to do the same. “That’s the point of the classes. You go, we learn, you leave with only one left foot. Nobody goes into these classes already talented.” She shakes her head, one of her hands coming to land on a propped out hip and she shoots Makai a look that says she’s very, very unimpressed with his response. “Because I don’t want to sit at home and watch Netflix. Where is the excitement in that? I never ask you for anything.” Which is a blatant lie. “You can’t do this one thing for me?”

He loved her, god did he love her so much but sometimes she was a pain in the ass expecting him to do things like this. He just wanted to golf or whatever old dudes did during retirement and fix his bike that had been sitting in the garage for who knows how long. He was tired. Dance lessons wasn’t on his list. “I always do things you enjoy. I’m very good at doing what I’m told when it comes to you, babe,” Some might call him whipped, but truly he just did it out of the love he had for her. However, there was a line that was being crossed with asking him to dance. “When have you ever seen me interested in dance? What indication did you have that that was something that I’d like to do?” It was like she wasn’t listening which was pretty much very common when she wanted her way which she usually got. “How about sewing? I’d sew.” 

[hithewalls]

JACOB  ELORDI  as  charlie  in  deep  water