Ilya knew that what he did was dangerous. He knew it was dangerous the first time a stranger asked him if he needed to make some extra cash. He just had to hand off a backpack to someone, and not look in the bag. It was easy enough so he agreed. The issue came when he left, the police picked him up and interrogated him, trying to figure out who the bag came from and confirm what was in it. Luckily for him he got released after not giving a description of who he got it from or who he gave it to and he wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know what was in it even though it was obviously drugs. He wasn’t stupid, why else would he have been paid so much to simply deliver a backpack.
When he was released the man that handed him the backpack found him, saying he did good and offered him a job. He had been working as a waiter at some high end restaurant and crashing on a coworkers couch. He wasn’t making much money doing it, and he couldn’t go back to his father, so a better paying job was needed, regardless of what it was he was doing.
After his mom died of an overdose, his dad kicked him out. He said that he never wanted Ilya in the first place, that he was a mistake, that his mom only wanted him to try to fix their marriage and her head and he failed at it. His dad said his older brother is all he ever wanted and he didn’t want an ungrateful mouth to feed and a constant reminder of his biggest failure.
So Ilya left, he had been crashing with friends since he was fourteen. He was now twenty four years old and in the last ten years he was able to get his own place, using the dirty money. When he was a minor he was just in charge of being nothing more than a mule, transporting the goods to wherever they were going throughout Moscow. He knew they were either guns, drugs or money. Each successful drop allowed him to get paid more and more.
Slowly he moved up not doing the drops but coordinating them, getting paid more and more, being shown how to clean his money to be able to spend it, and how to get it into the banks through assets rather than cash, and employing him at one of their not so legitimate businesses in order to allow Ilya to have easy spending money for his rent and anything else he may need or want.
Right now he’s using that money to get a cab in Canada. He stood outside in the cold, a cigarette balanced between his lips. He was meeting up with some guys at some random restaurant in Montreal to discuss business and how to get their product over.
“Chyort, where the hell is that cab?” Ilya mumbled to himself, bouncing slightly on his feet trying to keep himself warm in the frigid air. Almost as if he summoned it he watched the yellow car pull up and park in front of him.
The cab driver rolled the passenger window down and yelled out. “Cab for Rozanov?”
Ilya nodded and opened the back door, shoving his suitcase in first and following behind it. “Take me to Lueur Sombre.”
“You got it.” The cab driver set the meter and began leaving. “It’ll be about twenty minutes.”
Ilya didn’t reply, and began looking out the window. The approaching city skyline was hypnotic. Towering over a massive lake, colorful lights bleeding over it from all the signs in the city. Moscow wasn’t colorful like this. The buildings there were painted but the lights weren’t something that glowed the same way they did here.
The cab driver broke the silence again. “That’s a cool accent you got. Where are you from?”
“Moscow.” Ilya replied, again leaving it at one word. He pulled out his phone, and saw a missed call from the Pakhan. He immediately called him back. “Hello Sir.” he said in Russian, making sure that the cab driver wouldn’t be able to understand him.
“Hello Ilya, I’m assuming your travels went well?” He asked, sounding bored.
“Yes sir. They went very well, thank you.” Ilya mindlessly played with his lip, he always got nervous when talking to the Pakhan.
“That is good to hear. The people you are meeting with are three brigadiers from one of our allies. There have been words from a few of our spies that they are thinking about crossing us. If you feel it to be true, I want you to take care of them. Send them a message. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir. I will report back with what happens.”
“Thank you, Ilya. I know you won't let me down.” The Pakhan hung up the phone, leaving Ilya to finish the last of the car ride with a cab driver who kept glancing back at him in the rearview mirror, clearly itching to ask questions.
Ilya got this far by never asking questions. Trust goes a long way in his line of work. It’s what allowed him to meet the man who just gave him a possible hit. Sergei Petrov is the scariest man in the entirety of Russia. He controls the police, almost all CEO’s of the businesses in Moscow and the ones he doesn’t control pay him extraordinary prices for his protection. He is also a professional in making people conveniently go missing.
The cab driver finally pulled up to the front of the nightclub. With it being in the middle of the week, it didn’t seem too busy from the outside. He stepped out and grabbed his suitcase. Since his cab driver was so late, he didn’t get the chance to stop at the hotel he was staying at and unfortunately wasn’t able to drop anything off.
He stood outside, waiting for the others, in the agreed meeting place. Using the moment of alone time, he lit up another cigarette and leaned against the building. He knew he was looking for three guys, two brunettes and some blonde guy. They work for Emil Zakirov, who Ilya has only once met, and didn’t trust farther than he can throw the guy. He was trying to get Sergei involved in human sex trafficking but Sergei turned him down. Zakirov said he wouldn’t do it without Sergei’s approval but both he and his Pahkan know what he has been doing.
“Rozanov?” A voice a bit down the street.
Ilya turned his head at the voice, pulling the cigarette from his lips. “Yes, and who are you?” He replied in Russian.
“Do you know English?” One of the brunettes asked. In response Ilya just raised his eyebrow, feigning confusion. He knew they would talk if they thought he couldn’t understand them. “Sorry, I was asking if you spoke English. My name is Nikolai, these are my companions Mikhail and Aleksander.”
Ilya took the time to look the three of them down. They were in plain clothes, much like he was, nothing particularly shocking about any of them however the other brunette, Aleksander, had a large scar across his cheek and the blonde one, Mikhail, had a tattoo of a snake on his neck. The only one who didn’t seem extraordinary in any way was Nikolai, that was until Nikolai shook Ilya’s hand when he noticed the tattoo of a skull on the back of it.
“Hello, I’m Ilya. Shall we go inside?” He asked, gesturing his hand towards the front door.
“Yes, let’s go.” Nikolai said.
None of the men moved towards the door, waiting for Ilya to lead the way. Ilya did exactly that, making his way towards the door of the restaurant. On the short walk over to it he overheard a not so secret conversation between the three brigadiers.
“Did you see the new product that Zakirov had brought in? They have an extra bite this time around, I hope he lets us break them this time.” Nikolai began.
Ilya heard Aleksander laugh. “The last time you broke one in you nearly killed her.”
“Yeah I can’t imagine they let you do it again Nikolai. Same goes for you Aleksander, or have you stopped noticing the scar on your cheek anytime you look in the mirror?” Mikhail chimed in.
The three boys laughed, talking about the ‘product’. It was clear they were talking about girls and boys, very few of them actually could be considered men and women. It is no secret to what Zakirov gets up to. Hearing them laugh about what they wanted to do had Ilya’s blood boiling. While the three of them were talking and laughing about disgusting things, assuming still that Ilya couldn’t speak English, they asked for a table in the back away from the other patrons. The hostess placed their menus down in front of them. Nikolai walked Ilya through the menu, highlighting their tourtiere, a traditional dish of Montreal followed by the cedar plank salmon.
After a few moments their server came up to the table. The server was easily the most attractive man Ilya had ever seen. He had dark hair, wisping across his forehead, his eyes a deep brown, freckles scattered across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, his lips looked soft, his jaw strong, and his shoulders and arms looked like they were going to burst out of his black button up, that he had closed up to his collarbones. “Hello gentlemen, my name is Shane and I will be your server tonight. Can I get you guys anything to drink? We have the most delicious house red if you’re looking for a bottle to share. Otherwise I can give you guys a moment to look over the cocktail menu?”
Nikolai was the one to answer. “The bottle of red sounds great, along with some water for the group. Thank you, Shane.” The way Nikolai said Shane made Ilya want to leap across the table and punch him as hard as he could.
Nikolai leaned over towards Aleksander, “I think Zakirov would like that one. Should we bring him in?”
Aleksander nodded. “I’ll wait for him out back when he’s done with his shift. I’ll bring him back to your place until we can get him to Zakirov.”
Nikolai let out a snakelike smile. Ilya had to clench his hands together in his lap to keep himself from smashing all of their heads into the table for thinking they could do that to Shane. “So Ilya, what was it that Petrov was trying to do? Why did he decide to send you to Canada?”
“My Pakhan would like to use Mr. Zakirov’s ports to begin smuggling in his products into the country. He mentioned the two of them have an alliance and just wanted to be given permission before beginning to do so. He is either willing to buy the ports outright or he will use them until he can finish buying his own. If Mr. Zakirov wishes to keep his ports for his own product then my Pakhan will continue to wait before bringing his own product over. He simply sees no harm in asking something from his ally.”
“Sorry for interrupting you guys,” Shane said, holding the tray of drinks. “Here are those waters, would you like me to pour the wine for you guys or would you prefer to wait until your food comes?”
Ilya felt his face begin to heat up when Shane leaned over the table to hand Mikhail his drink, looking at his strong arm that was right in front of his face. He needed to stop himself from leaning forward and sinking his teeth into the man’s bicep. The scent of Shane’s cologne made it all more desirable, the smell of something earthy with just the slightest hint of citrus. It was alluring to Ilya.
Ilya had noticed people before, he has had plenty of sex with men and women but all it was was a release, all it ever had been was sex. There was just something about Shane that drew Ilya to him. He always noticed people, he would have been dead if he didn’t, but Shane captured Ilya’s full attention. It was dangerous, it made Ilya feel the need to find out why.
Shane finished pouring the glasses of wine. One of the others, most likely Nikolai who has been speaking for the table all night, said they wanted the wine open now. Again when Shane leaned over the table, Ilya got to enjoy the sight of his arms and the smell of his cologne. “Are you guys wanting any food tonight? Just coming for drinks?”
“Food would be lovely.” Nikolai said, giving Shane his snakelike smile. Ilya watched as discomfort flashed across Shane’s face, struggling to hide it. Ilya wanted to somehow show Shane that he was in danger here but he was going to be okay. He didn’t know when Shane got off of work. He did know he was going to be waiting in the shadows by the employee entrance to make a point that Shane was going to be off limits.
Ilya knew that if they were planning on taking anyone from this restaurant he would put a stop to it. There was no question. He just felt the tug in his chest needing to know everything about the man in front of him.
The three brigadiers put in their food orders to Shane. “What can I get for you?” Shane asked, turning his full attention to Ilya.
“Ilya, he is asking what you would like to eat.” Nikolai translated for him. “Sorry, our friend Ilya there doesn’t speak English.”
“Ilya, what a wonderful name.” Shane said, smiling at him.
Ilya felt his heart skip a beat hearing Shane say his name. He wanted to actually speak to him but if the people he was dining with knew he had understood everything they had said in ‘secret’ there was no way tonight was going to end any better than it was already going to. He was already prepared for a fight, but he didn’t need to make it worse. He didn’t need to give them a reason to bring back up when he was already outnumbered. “Cedar salmon,” Ilya turned to the men at the table. “How do you say please?” Nikolai quickly answered him. “Cedar salmon, please Shane.”
Ilya noticed the red beginning to creep up from Shane’s shirt collar. “Of course, I’ll be right back with that for you guys. Would you like another bottle of wine for the table?”
“Please.” Ilya said to him. Shane nodded and walked off to put in their food order and grab another bottle of the wine.
“Going back to what we were discussing," Nikolai began, “I think it’s pointless to even ask. Sergei does not approve of what Zakirov is doing. We all know that. Zakirov would never allow Sergei access to his ports and risking him finding out about his products. It’s not about the potential issue of oversaturation of the market, but even he keeps secrets from others. We will not be bringing it up to him since we know he is simply going to turn it down. Unfortunately Sergei will just have to wait for his own ports to be finished.”
“Do you truly think he wouldn’t even allow one of his ports to be bought outright?” Ilya pressed him. He truly didn’t want him to say yes, it would make tonight harder since he would have to leave at least one of them alive to ask him if it was going to be okay to buy the port, if they declined he would be able to send the message he wants to send - don’t mess with things that are his. Shane wasn’t his yet, after tonight he will be. Ilya has gotten quite used to getting what he wanted.
“There would be too much risk involved for Zakirov to want to move the product. We simply cannot do it.”
“Cannot do it or simply won’t do it?” Ilya asked, not bothering to hide the frustration and anger growing under his skin.
“Can you believe this?” Nikolai muttered to his companions. “Can’t, won’t, what difference does it make? The answer stays no. I hope you do not let this ruin what is sure to be a wonderful meal.”
“Of course. Thank you for meeting with me. I will be sure to let my pakhan know.” Ilya finished the conversation. He will be sure to inform Sergei of the development, and he will be sure to make a statement with their bodies. He knew that Zakirov had a good hold on the police here. It wasn’t unfamiliar to him the lengths people would go for a good paycheck, and if all they had to do was look away, it was easy enough to do it. Maybe if more people looked there would be less evil in the world.
Shane had come back with the food, Ilya’s mood momentarily softened in the presence of the man that had somehow managed to cause electricity to flow under his skin by simply existing in front of him. He wasn’t ever someone who believed in love at first sight. His mom said that she felt that way about his father, and seeing the way he treated her made him feel that it was all a lie. People don’t love each other but benefit from cohabitation, whether it was a roof over their heads, money in the home, the kids only one of them really wanted. He didn’t have a better word to describe how Shane made him feel. He knew it was certainly lust but he wanted to sit down and talk with Shane. If he was here alone he would have invited Shane to sit at the table with him just to get to know him. He would give him his number. He wanted to know everything about him.
The feeling truly confused Ilya as he watched Shane put down his salmon in front of him. He wasn’t particularly hungry for food, but was hungry for something else entirely. The issue was if he would leave before dinner it would be impolite, even with the fact that he was already planning on murdering the three men he ate with. He would allow them this final meal, the final moments of bliss, the thought of accomplishment if they successfully grabbed Shane. It wouldn’t happen. Ilya doesn’t share.
While he was eating, the three men surrounded him, speaking in English trying to exclude Ilya in their plans. They were going to pretend to leave so Ilya would go back to his hotel room and then circle back, if he was alone they were going to grab him right there from the back of the building, if he wasn’t they were going to follow him back to his home and intercept him before he went inside. Shane would have to be taken over his dead body if they thought Ilya would allow this. They all spoke in confidence, convinced that Ilya was clueless. They spoke in Russian just enough so any normal person would feel included. Ilya didn’t want to be included in anything they did. That didn’t mean tonight he wouldn’t be included, he would be in a way that they really wouldn’t like.
Shane came back with their bill, it was well over two hundred dollars. Without thinking he pulled the receipt from Nikolai and placed his card down. “Please, let me, as a show of thanks for your willingness to meet with me.”
“Thank you, Ilya, we appreciate it.” Nikolai nodded his head in appreciation of the gesture.
Aleksander leaned in close to Nikolai. “Do you think we should try to take him too? He is also very attractive and I think Zakirov could get a pretty price for him.”
“It would be difficult, we would have to make sure that his boss doesn’t find out. If we take him and he finds out we’re as good as dead.” The two of them made their way out of the booth, causing Ilya to have to rise himself to let out Mikhail. “Thank you again for dinner Ilya. We will be informing Zakirov of what we discussed. I can assume you will be doing the same with Sergei.”
“Yes, I will be letting my pakhan know about what we discussed. Thank you for having this meeting with me.” Ilya bowed his head, faking his appreciation. He knew he had to be careful when he left, he didn’t want to get caught off guard and not be able to help Shane when they decided to strike against him.
If they were smart they would divide and execute both plans at the same time. The kitchen hours just ended so no more food was going to be coming out of the restaurant. He knew it would be about another hour before Shane left assuming his other tables left soon or just transferred over to the bar, then he had to do his closing duties and then he would be able to leave. An hour was generous, he needed to make sure that no one was following him when he settled into his hiding space, so no matter what he had to move quickly.
He followed them out of the restaurant, he still carried his suitcase with him which would unfortunately hinder him. He would have left it behind, there was nothing of any value to him inside of it, but it would raise too much suspicion in the others for it to be a safe idea.
The three men headed off towards the direction they arrived from, Ilya went the opposite. He said to them that he struggles too much with cabs since he can’t speak english well as they walked out the front door of the restaurant, also claiming that his hotel isn’t too far away and doesn’t mind the walk back as he went his separate way.
It wasn’t long until he heard the familiar sound of footsteps behind him. It was possible that it was just a random person, but when they had left the restaurant there wasn’t anyone behind him, it was certainly a cause for concern. To confirm his suspicions that it was one of the men he just finished having dinner with, he made a hard left into an alleyway between two closed businesses, and the footsteps continued behind him.
It was at this point he turned around. He saw Aleksander standing at the opening of the alley. Ilya stood there, watching Aleksander get closer and closer. They said that they wanted him to sell, so he wasn’t worried about Aleksander having a gun, the most he had to worry about was knives. Unfortunately, Ilya wasn’t able to bring any into Canada through the airport. “Hello Aleksander.”
“Hello, Ilya.” He said back. “I’m guessing you lied about your language skills?”
“I never outright said I don’t speak English. You guys assumed I didn’t when I simply did not respond to your question.” Ilya stared intensely at the man with the scarred face, he couldn’t wait to add to it.
“So then I suppose you know why I’m here.” Aleksander said, beginning to stretch his arms preparing for the fight that was about to ensue.
“I’m sure it’s not to pay for your part of the meal. I’m also sure that it has everything to do with making me a new ‘product’,” he added air quotes around the word, “for your boss. Along with the very attractive server we had.”
“You got it.” Aleksander reached into his pocket and pulled out a wicked looking switch blade.
“I’m sure you can understand how I simply cannot let that happen.” Ilya began picking the lint off his clothes. He did not feel as afraid as he should. He knew that he might get cut but he has learned to welcome the pain, just to prove he is alive.
Aleksander lunged at Ilya, knife in hand. Ilya quickly side-stepped him, grabbed his arm and began twisting it, the blade inches from his face. Quickly, he lurched Aleksander's hand forward, loosening the grip on the blade where Ilya was able to grab easily out of his hand, he then proceeded to push Aleksander away from him. “Awe, that was so easy, I thought you could fight,” Ilya used the knife to gesture Aleksander’s scar on his own face. “Or are you just used to women who are too weak to fight you off? Did she just get a lucky shot?”
“Fuck you, asshole!” Aleksander yelled, going in to tackle Ilya again. Much like last time Ilya was able to side step him, and he stuck his foot out causing Aleksander to trip and fall flat onto the ground.
While he was down, Ilya got on top of him, jamming his knee between Aleksander’s shoulder blades. Without hesitation Ilya grabbed Aleksander by the back of his hair and placed the blade of the knife on his throat and slid the blade across his neck. Using the back of Aleksander’s shirt to clean up the blood from the knife.
He stood up leaving Alexander to finish bleeding out. He knew this was an easy fight since he was on his own. He knew Nikolai and Mikhail would be a different situation, simply because he was outnumbered. He needed to separate them. Ilya began searching in the dead man’s pockets looking for a phone. In his search he found Aleksander’s wallet. He opened the wallet and pulled out the cash and threw it next to him. After resuming his search he found Aleksander's phone.
He almost felt defeated when he realized that there was a passcode, however he had his face identification operational. He put the phone up to Aleksander’s face and the phone opened. He took the moment while he was scrolling through his phone to smoke a cigarette.
He opened his messages looking for something from Nikolai or Mikhail so he could message him asking for help. He shared his location and sent it to Mikhail, finding him first, and sent him a message: ‘Ilya is incapacitated, I need you here with the car.’ He got a text back from him saying he’s on his way and that Nikolai was staying to stake out the building for Shane.
Ilya was surprised that it actually worked. That they were willing to separate. He flicked his cigarette butt aside and looked around for a place to conceal himself. There were plenty of places for him to go that would allow him to see Mikail when he arrived. He stepped back into a shadow of a doorway where the lights were out, completely concealing him in the darkness.
A short time later, Mikhail pulled up in the SUV they use for this. Mikail got out of the car and rushed over to where Aleksander was lying. He watched as Mikail got down on his knees and examined Aleksander. He immediately started looking around, knowing that Ilya was hiding somewhere but unsure where.
Mikail stood up and made a beeline towards the SUV, that was when Ilya jumped out and grabbed him. Ilya took the blade and jammed it into Mikhail's ribcage stabbing him directly in the lungs. Mikail went down quickly, his hands over the wound. Ilya, went over to him and much like how he did to Aleksander, ran the blade directly across his throat, then proceeded to use his shirt to wipe the blood off of it.
He left the car behind and made his way back to the restaurant where Nikolai was hiding waiting for Shane. The last thing he wanted was for him to pull up in the car and have Nikolai get inside of it. It is too hard to move around and the last thing he wants is for him to give Nikolai any sort of advantage.
When he got back to the restaurant he made sure to stay close to the wall keeping himself hidden and looking out for Nikolai. He hid behind a dumpster, the smell causing him to wrinkle his nose. He looked around and behind the garbage from the business next door he saw a phone light up. Ilya knew it had to be Nikolai, looking at his phone more than likely trying to get a hold of Mikhail and Aleksander.
Ilya was going to sprint across the sizeable alley, wanting to stop Nikolai before he could traumatize Shane, but that was when Shane exited the building. He was on his phone not paying attention to his surroundings, Ilya wanted to scream out and tell him to look out as Nikolai rushed out.
Ilya chased down Nikolai watching as he grabbed Shane from behind covering Shane’s mouth with his hand. While being at the disadvantage Ilya brought his arm back and punched Nikolai in the side of the head as hard as he could. Nikolai let go of Shane and fell to the ground.
Shane also fell to the ground and started to get away from the two sparring men. When Ilya looked over, Nikolai got a lucky hit on ilya’s cheek bone. He knew he was going to have a bruise. Ilya brought his arm back and hit Nikolai again and again, straddling him. He grabbed Nikolai by the collar of his shirt and slammed his head against the pavement. He did it over and over again until the hold Nikolai had on his arms weakened.
Ilya stood up, Nikolai not dead but bloodied and beaten, stayed on the ground not moving. Ilya took this time to lean over the man and spit in his face. “Don’t ever touch something of mine again.” He walked over to Shane, who was on the ground breathing heavily and clearly very scared. “Are you okay?” Ilya asked him, holding out his hand, offering to help him up.
“Yeah, just terrified.” Shane said, accepting the help up, his hand shaking intensely in Ilya’s. “Thank you for stopping him.”
“It’s okay, I would do it again.” Ilya said, still holding his hand. He was enjoying the feeling of it sitting in his, it felt right, like Shane’s hand was what he was meant to hold. “Shane, right?”
“Yeah, how did you know?” Shane creased his dark eyebrows together.
“You were our server tonight.” Ilya said, looking into his dark brown eyes trying not to get lost in them. He watched as Shane went to look at the bloodied man behind him. Before he could Ilya turned him around pulling him into his chest and facing away from the body. “No, don’t look at him, you don’t need to see what I did.”
“Who are you?” He felt Shane ask, not bothering to pull away.
“I can’t tell you right now. If you have questions I’ll give you my number but I can’t have my name linked to this yet. I’m sorry.” Ilya let Shane go so he could pull out his phone and handed it over to Ilya who put his number in. He named himself Rozy, a nickname he had growing up, he might connect the dots, might remember his name, but until he hears back from his pakhan the less Shane knows the better.
“Well thank you…” Ilya stood there while Shane looked down at his phone. “Can I call you if something happens or maybe to let you know I got home safe?”
“Please do.” Ilya said. He was going to follow Shane home anyways. He knew Shane must have been walking home since he was walking away from the cars and towards the sidewalk. “Be safe, please.”
“I will, thank you, Rozy.” Shane left the parking lot glancing back at Ilya standing there. Ilya grabbed his suitcase hiding behind the dumpster and made his way after Shane, staying concealed from him, making sure he didn’t scare him further, all the way back to his apartment complex, which just so happened to be on the same stretch of road of his hotel. He should have offered just to walk him home.
When he got back to the hotel, he took a long time in the shower, washing the blood and tending to his injuries. Nikolai did some damage to his face, the bruise already starting to show. He pulled on his sweatpants, not bothering with a shirt, pulled out his phone to call his pakhan.
“Hello Ilya, I assume tonight went well.” Sergei said as a greeting.
“It could have gone better, I unfortunately had to send a message. The brigadiers I met were very impolite, assuming they could call you by your first name and not addressing their pakhan with the proper title. After denying our proposal, they plotted kidnapping myself and the server we had at a restaurant. I killed two of them and rendered the third unconscious so he can go back to their pakhan and share what happened. I trust you will be able to take care of everything from here.”
“Yes, Ilya, I will take care of it. Do not worry. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Canada. I’m sorry that it didn’t go the way we wanted. I know we have a while for the plane ticket back, I think you should allow yourself to take a break, do not feel like you have to rush back. I know you tend to not care about yourself the way you should. You are a good man Ilya.”
“Thank you, Sergei. I will think about staying. Have a good night.” Ilya said as he hung up the phone. Before he put his phone away he saw a message sitting in his inbox.
Shane: Hey, it’s Shane, from earlier, thank you again. I just wanted to share that I made it home safe.
Rozy: I’m glad you made it home safe. You can reach out to me whenever you would like. I’ll be there for you.
Thank you everyone who has been here waiting for updates. Thank you for everyone who gave likes and follows and reposts and left comments. Thank you everyone who was patient with me when updates were slow. Thank you for everything.
I haven't written anything in over ten years. I didn't have a story to tell, I didn't want anyone's judgement, I was too busy, I could have continued to make excuses to not tell this one. I am glad I told it.
For so long, I had struggled with my sexuality, much like Shane and Ilya. I struggled with my anxiety and depression, and Shane and Ilya's story made me realize that everything can turn out okay if you are patient and if you truly love the person you're with. I love Ilya's representation of bisexuality and saw myself in him - primarily dating the opposite gender out of fear of rejection or backlash from his family.
I am not a professional writer in any sense of the word. I know there a spelling mistakes, probably plenty of continuity errors, the timeline I know doesn't make sense and I simply know very little about hockey. I've seen Shorsey, Heated Rivalry and one singular game so I know during games it seemed rushed and more likely than not very odd.
Thank you all, for everything. A special thank you to @m00gl3ness, @cyberdinosaurlegion, @queer-theatre-nerd, and @lookfabfeelfabnh .
All of you were my top supporters throughout this progress.
I hope to see you all there for Wonderful Nothing (Heated Rivalry)
Shane felt like he wasn’t real. Sitting here at the cottage, surrounded by his best friends and the man he was scared he was never going to see again. Sitting right next to him, with his hand on his thigh. They were having drinks and passing around the bong just being guys.
Hayden and J.J. eventually broke away, going to bed tired from their day of traveling. He and Ilya stayed up, listening to the bugs scream at each other as a loon call pierced through the sky. Shane smiled at the thought of the first time they were here together when the ‘stupid Canadian wolf-bird’ called out. They stayed still enjoying the best five minutes they have had in a shitty old year, and Shane was so glad they’re here.
He’s with his best friend, in his favorite place, a cold beer in his hand, sitting and remembering all the time they have spent together.
“Shane, I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I said that about your mom. I’m sorry I didn’t let you speak. I am so sorry about everything.” Ilya said, softly. “I wish I could take it all back and be stronger for you and I wasn’t. It wasn’t fair to you.”
Shane picked his head off of Ilya’s shoulder so he could face him. “Ilya, it’s okay. We both hurt each other. I mean I guess it’s not okay, but I forgive you. I promise to do my best to be better, to talk to you, to be there for you, to try to be more understandable with everything you go through, especially now that I understand it more. I’m sorry, for everything, for the phone call, for not talking to you about it before I broke up with you.”
“I forgive you Shane. I never want to be away from you again… It nearly… killed me. I don’t want to feel that way again.” Shane saw the tears welling up in Ilya’s eyes. “I was going to be like my mom… when Hayden called me. I was planning on overdosing… I don’t think I would have actually gone through with it. I just wanted to go home… I know you don’t know what I mean.”
“Can you tell me?” Shane asked him, lifting Ilya’s chin to face him. “I would like to know.”
“I don’t find places to be home, but people. I’ve only ever had two… You and my mom. It felt like it would be better for me to go to her because I, I don’t even know. I think it maybe would be easier for me to see her again than to see you. I know you said what you said in the documentary but as much as I wanted to believe it, I couldn’t convince myself it was real. I wanted to so badly. I just, I wanted to call you, but I was so afraid to disappoint you. I was afraid to have that be the reason I reached out.”
“Ilya, if you would have reached out, I would have answered.” Shane leaned forward and kissed Ilya softly on the forehead. “I wish I could have been there for you. I am so sorry. I’m glad you didn’t, I’m glad you hesitated, I’m so happy you answered the phone Ilya. I don’t know what I would have done without you.
“When you weren’t playing in the Ottawa game, I was so worried that something happened. The last time you missed anything was when your dad died. I was so afraid that something happened. I was going to call you to check on you, when J.J. pulled me out of the cottage. We went on like an hour long beer run. We didn’t even need any beer. I wish it would have been me to call you. I’m so glad Hayden did.”
Ilya wiped the tears from his cheeks and gave him a soft smile. “Hayden told me he loved me. He said that as much as he hates to say it he considers me a friend and then afterwards said he was going to rinse his mouth out.”
Shane broke out into a grin and started laughing. “I’m sorry, that is actually so funny. I never thought he would ever admit it.”
Shane’s heart warmed as he watched Ilya’s smile grow too and started laughing along with Shane. They laughed about it until their stomachs hurt. They knew it wasn’t that funny but maybe it had to do with the fact this is the first time they laughed together in so long and was getting to the point where their laughter was affecting the other. Shane caught his breath and leaned against Ilya who pulled Shane close to him. “I love you, Rozanov.”
“I love you too, Hollander.” Ilya kissed Shane. “I’m so happy to not be alone anymore.”
Shane kissed Ilya back, wrapping his arms around Ilya and leaning backwards so Ilya’s body covered his own. He laid there, Ilya’s tongue slipping into Shane’s mouth, and his legs straddling Shane’s hips.
Ilya took his time, traveling across Shane’s body as if he was discovering it for the first time. Ilya’s mouth traveled down Shane’s jaw and neck, leaving the skin beneath it tingling asking for more. His head rolled back just enjoying the feeling of Ilya on his body. “Ilya,” Shane whispered, “I want you to mark me. I want to see it in the morning to know this really happened.”
Ilya’s eyes darkened as he nodded, understanding what Shane was asking for. That was always something that both of them agreed not to do, as to not raise questions they couldn't answer, but Shane didn’t want to keep the secret anymore. Shane wanted people to ask, and Shane wanted to say that it was Ilya Rozanov’s mouth that left it there.
Ilya bit down on Shane’s neck and began sucking the area. It hurt for a moment, but then Ilya licked the area and kissed it before doing it again on the other side of his neck. While he was doing it, Ilya’s warm and calloused hands traveled under his shirt squeezing his sides. Shane could feel himself growing in his shorts, his cock aching to be touched. He tried his best to push himself against Ilya, but with where Ilya’s hands were on his body it was too hard to push up against him.
As if Ilya could tell what Shane was trying to do, he moved his hand down to Shane’s cock and began rubbing it through his shorts. Shane let out a moan at the sensation of being touched. “Fuck Shane,” Ilya said through parted lips, “I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing you like this.”
“Ilya, I missed seeing you like this.” Shane let out another moan as Ilya crashed his lips down on his own, kissing him feverishly. Shane pushed up Ilya’s shirt and he pulled away so he could pull it off over his head. Shane looked at the man hovering above him. His strong body that fits perfectly against his own. Following Ilya, Shane also took off his shirt and used the moment to rub Ilya through his shorts as well, feeling every inch of Ilya’s throbbing cock.
Shane tried to tug down Ilya’s shorts struggling to do so underneath the large Russian. Ilya took the hint and got off of him and pulled off his shorts and boxers at the same time. Shane did the same, feeling almost silly for copying Ilya.
Ilya leaned back over Shane kissing him again, slowing himself down. “I don’t have any lube out here…”
“Do you want me to stop?” Ilya asked him, concern flashing in his eyes.
“No, just go slow.” Ilya did just that, he slid a finger in slowly stretching Shane out. He knew Ilya was worried but it wasn’t their first time being so desperate to skip lube. Shane definitely tends to be more sore afterwards but he will be okay, he doesn’t want Ilya to stop what he’s doing.
Shane gasped as Ilya slid in another finger still working on stretching him. Ilya has been kissing him and teasing him the whole time, keeping him aroused and relaxed. When Ilya felt like he was stretched enough he used Shane’s precum to lube himself up. It was easily the hottest thing he has ever seen Ilya do. “Are you ready?”
“Yes.” Shane said, exhaling out his nervous energy. “I am ready.”
Ilya kissed Shane as he lined himself up with Shane’s entrance. Ilya slid himself inside Shane, taking his time, letting Shane adjust around every millimeter of Ilya’s cock. Ilya kept kissing him, and continued whispering in Shane’s ear how good he was, and how well he took the large cock and how much he loved him.
Shane felt like he was about to cum all over the two of them. He missed Ilya so much and him being like this, had him falling apart. Ilya began moving slowly in and out of Shane. “Fuck Shane, I’m gonna cum already… I love you so much.”
Shane was unraveling so quickly from the pleasure of Ilya inside him and Ilya’s hand on his cock. “Me too. Fuck!” He said it loud enough he heard his voice echo across the lake. He felt Ilya cuming inside him, unable to pull out in time.
Ilya collapsed on top of him, panting heavily, their sweat sticking the two of them together. Shane wrapped his arm around Ilya struggling to catch his own breath, partially because of the mind blowing orgasm he just had and partially because of the large man on top of him.
Shane heard a knock on the window and looked up the best he could and saw J.J. and Hayden at the patio door. Shane immediately felt his face turn red, unaware of when they walked in. J.J. was giving Shane and Ilya a thumbs up, and Hayden was pretending to make himself throw up and charaded washing his eyes out. Ilya took this time to sit up too, seeing the two in the window and flipped both of them off which made J.J. practically double over with laughter.
Shane smiled and leaned over to grab his clothes off the deck. Ilya did the same, both of them trying to get dressed without making it more obvious what the two of them were doing, even though by their reactions they knew exactly what Shane and Ilya just did.
Shane opened the patio door, being greeted by a shoulder slap from J.J. “Congratulations man.” He said to him, smiling at him, clearly trying not to laugh again.
“You guys couldn’t have made it into the bedroom?” Hayden asked. “We came over here because we heard you scream and were making sure you were okay.”
“Are you sure you would have wanted to hear everything in the house?” Ilya asked, coming inside. “We were trying to give you guys some way to pretend you didn’t hear what we were doing.”
“You know what you’re so right, outside is great.” Hayden pulled Ilya into a hug. “I know this is weird but I’m glad you’re here. Be good to my brother.”
“I promise I will Hayden.” Ilya said, returning the hug.
“I’m going back to bed, this is getting weird even for me.” J.J. said walking back to his room. “Love you guys.”
“We love you too.” The remaining three of them returned, sending the four of them into a laughing match again.
Eventually they did wind up all finally making it into their beds, and for the first time in what felt like forever he was able to fall asleep in Ilya’s arms again.
— — — — —
To make it up to his team, Ilya invited the centaurs to the cabin for a week. JJ. and Hayden had left a few days before the centaurs were coming up so he and Shane were able to have alone time together. They were happy for the company but there was a part of them that couldn’t wait for all of them to leave after the week. Wyatt and Luca were the first to arrive, followed by Bood. They were still waiting on Troy and Harris to get up to the cottage.
The group was sitting on the couches in the living room barely watching a baseball game and spending more time drinking and talking. Bood decided he wanted to grill and refused help from the rest of them. The rest of the team was okay with it since he was playing his crappy music on a speaker outside.
There was a knock on the door and Shane got up to get it. He heard Shane greeting someone at the door and then a familiar four legged friend ran right up to him. “Anya!” Ilya jumped off the couch and sat on the floor, the beautiful dog plopped herself right onto Ilya’s lap, licking his face.
He looked up to see Troy and Harris standing there holding hands while Shane stood there grinning, seeing Ilya on the floor with the dog he loves.
Ilya realized at that moment it was all going to be okay. He was here, he was alive, he was surrounded by his best friends and his boyfriend. Ilya wouldn’t mind this being his life. He wouldn’t mind at all.
THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS THOUGHTS AND SUICIDAL IDEATION PLEASE USE YOUR DISGRESSION WHEN READING. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS.
Chapter 16:
All Them Horses -
Ilya was standing in the airport lounge in Ottawa, he felt like he should leave. He was tired of feeling alone. He knew leaving the city wouldn’t matter. He knew it didn’t matter where he went. He knew the photographs he had would always look happier than he would ever be able to feel again. He was looking at all the flights that would take him anywhere, knowing that he wouldn’t get on a single one. Other than his wallet he only had one thing with him.
He didn’t want to be like his mom, but sometimes it truly felt like he didn’t have a choice. That he was fated to follow in her footsteps. He was so tired of feeling alone. He knew he had people who cared about him. He still hasn’t reached out to any of his teammates, especially after they had lost their last game. He should have been there for his team. He always hurts people.
Even after what Shane said in the documentary about him, he couldn’t get himself to believe any of it to be true. He was an asshole, he was selfish, he doesn’t deserve Shane and Shane doesn’t deserve to have Ilya being such a stressor in his life. His friends shouldn’t be so constantly worried about him.
He looked around the airport again, all the people going place to place. He wished he could be like them. Just leaving, going home to see their families, their friends, maybe some important CEO to have some sort of big deal made so they can take the earnings home to spoil their children.
He tried to beat it, he really did, but this time he felt like he was out for good. He couldn’t keep looking at himself, smiling in photographs, knowing he will never feel like that again. He has crossed a line and cannot go back. He is on his own. He didn’t want to be stuck here because of the rain. He headed back towards his car. Pushing through the crowd of people who were running inside to get out of the rain before they could get wet. Ilya didn’t run through the rain, he walked slowly through it allowing himself to get fully soaked and had the chill reach his bones. He wanted to feel something before he took something too far.
He drove the twenty minutes back to his apartment. He didn’t mind living so close to the airport, but most of Ottawa lived close to the airport. It was practically in the middle of the city. His mind wandered to the dark places that he simply couldn’t escape. He almost wished he was manic again. He would have gotten on the plane, gone anywhere but Russia, and found a new place to call home since he felt that there wasn’t a place that he could call that anymore.
He has only ever been able to call people home. He has only ever been able to call two people home.
He wished his mom was here, he wanted to talk to her about how he’s feeling. He knew she would be the only person in his family who would understand him, and how he’s feeling. She might not be able to give him advice on how to feel better, he knew she never was able to. He just wanted to be held by her again. He wanted to hear her voice telling him that it was going to be okay while she stroked his hair and sent him on his way with a kiss on his forehead and a hug that she held until he was ready to let go.
The only other time he felt like he was at home was with Shane. He missed being held in his strong arms, his fingers lazily drawing circles across his back. Sometimes Shane would count the freckles and moles scattered across his back and arms. They would just lay together, on the couch or in their bed, as if the world around them didn’t exist. That’s all he wanted though, to be held.
He parked his car in the parking lot of his apartment. He didn’t want to be there, he wanted to be at the cottage with Shane, he wanted to be with his mother. He knew he couldn’t be with either of them. He wanted to be with both of them. He only knew how to be with one of them. He got out of his car and grabbed the orange bottle sitting in his cup holder.
He stepped out into the rain, the chill coming settling back into his bones and finding comfort in it. He took off on the path that he walked often, headed toward the spot he always found himself returning to.
The city was quieter than usual, the weather keeping the people who usually walked through the streets home, them not wanting to get wet. He enjoyed the sound of the rain hitting the sidewalk. The smell of the rain hanging in the air. This would be a good day to go.
He arrived at the bridge. The bridge he had been going to since he walked out on Shane over a year ago. The rain was causing ripples in the water, struggling to flow outwards from the waves the wind is causing. That’s how he felt. He has been trying to cause the ripple, to show that he made a difference but the waves of life were constantly fighting back causing him to fail.
He looked at the orange pill bottle in his hand. He knew he had enough to overdose on. He could just take them, and then jump. He would never be able to hurt someone again. He would never let someone down again.
He knew if he took these pills and jumped, he would be letting people down, but he wouldn’t be here to worry about how it affected them. He knew how it would affect him though. He lived through it when his mom did it to him. He couldn’t do it to them. He didn’t want to be here though and the water was truly calling out to him, beckoning him into its cold arms.
As he stood there, he felt his phone ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw it was Hayden trying to call him. He sent him to voicemail. He didn’t want Hayden to be the last voice he heard. His phone kept ringing and it was Hayden calling him back again, once again Ilya declined the call. That's when a text had popped up, ‘God damn it, Ilya. Answer the fucking phone, it’s about Shane.’ The next time Hayden called Ilya picked up.
“Ilya, thank god, you need to come up to the cottage.” Hayden said, sounding frantic.
“Why?” Ilya asked him. “I thought Shane hated me.”
“Ilya, I know you’re dumb but I didn’t think you were that stupid. Shane loves you. He always has. He has always been yours Ilya. You need to come up here. You need to surprise him. You guys need to be with each other. I know you love him too. If you didn’t when you guys were filming that documentary you would have lied. You would have denied your sexuality, you would have outed him, you would have been harsh with him but you weren’t because you have and always will love him.”
Ilya felt a lump in his throat grow, from Hayden's words. “How do you know he wants me back? The interview was after I said awful things to him.”
“Ilya, Shane said awful things to you and you took him back right? You guys have hurt each other but you guys have apologized and felt awful afterwards.You guys have always pushed through. I have been there when you guys have been crying over each other. Fuck anyone and everyone who doesn’t think you guys should be together. You guys are fucking soul mates and have to go back to each other.”
“But what if -”
“Ilya, if you don’t come I will personally drive down to Ottawa and force you into my car and drive you up here. I am not playing around. Get up here and get your man back.” Ilya could feel the frustration in Hayden’s voice.
Ilya paused thinking about it. He would be able to feel at home again. He wanted to go home again. “Okay, I’ll pack and head up there. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”
“Thank you Ilya. It will be a huge surprise for Shane, he doesn’t know I called you and I’m going to keep it that way.” Ilya smiled softly, the first time he has in weeks. “Also, Ilya, I love you too, just so you know. I’m glad that I can call you my friend.”
“I love you too, Pike. I have to go wash my mouth out now.” Ilya felt his smile get a little bigger.
“Yeah, me too. I’ll see you in a few hours.” Hayden said and hung up the phone.
Ilya didn’t notice that the rain stopped until he hung up the phone and looked over at the water beginning to still. He looked down at the pills in his hand. Even though he shouldn't, he undid the cap, stuck his hand out over the railing and dumped them out. He will never do what his mom did.
Feeling hopeful for the first time ever, Ilya ran back to his apartment, threw everything he might need into a bag, and sped the two hours it would take to get to the cottage.
— — — — —
Since the rain stopped Shane, Hayden and J.J. were sitting on the back deck, sat around the fire watching the sunset over the lake. It was absolutely gorgeous, Shane couldn’t help but wish that Ilya was here to enjoy it with him.
Ever since he and J.J. got back he couldn’t help but think that Hayden was acting strange, he kept looking at his phone and texting someone and smiling. He assumed it was just Jackie giving him updates about the kids but normally with updates he would always share with Shane what was going on. He hasn’t been which makes him think he might be up to something.
Even with probing Hayden wouldn’t tell him anything. He even cornered J.J. in the kitchen to see if he knew something and he didn’t. They were all sitting, chatting, drinking, and smoking, enjoying each other's company.
Shane decided that he would never know what Hayden was hiding as he kept going on his phone.
“Hey Shane, I forgot to pack a sweater and I’m starting to get a little chilly, do you have one I can borrow?” Hayden asked, sliding his phone into his pocket for the first time in about two hours.
“Yeah, I can go get you one.” Shane said, raising an eyebrow suspiciously at Hayden.
He went through the cottage looking around trying to find anything different. He didn't notice anything different as he made his way to the bedroom grabbing the sweater for Hayden. He just knew something had to be up.
He made his way back through the cottage confirming that nothing was different. However, when he looked out the back deck he noticed another head.
He walked quickly towards the glass door and noticed curly blonde hair. No… it couldn’t be… He opened the sliding glass door and walked across the deck as the new person turned around. Ilya. He dropped the sweater he was holding and his hands started shaking as tears started welling up in his eyes.
Ilya stood there, glowing in the light of the setting sun. “Hey, Shane.”
Shane didn’t think as he ran towards Ilya, jumping over the back of the couch wrapping the man in front of him with his arms. Ilya stepped back enough to place his finger under Shane’s jaw to kiss him instead. They stood there embraced, kissing each other like the other contained the oxygen they needed to breathe. Shane stepped back, “Ilya, I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Hayden is the one you have to thank. He didn’t give me the option, even if he did, I would have come anyways. Shane, I love you so much. I never want to be without you again.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu, Ilya.” Shane turned towards Hayden. “Thank you. How did you do it?”
“I knew you were hiding something so I watched the documentary when J.J. had you leave the house. I knew you were hiding things cause you don’t actually care about NDA’s when it comes to me so I knew you had to be hiding something when you wouldn’t tell me about it. So I watched it. I could tell, even after you guys broke up that you still love each other. So I called Ilya and told him to come, I also threatened him that if he didn’t I was gonna give you an excuse to leave and drag him up here.” Hayden leaned back, smirking. “You’re welcome, Shane.”
Shane looked back at Ilya and grabbed his hand pulling him back in for another kiss. “We will have to talk about everything that happened.”
“Yes, we will, but for now, let’s just enjoy the company we have.” Ilya put his forehead against Shane’s. “I’ve missed you so much Shane. I’m glad I’m home.”
Shane couldn’t help but feel disappointed when he went to the door to see Hayden standing there with his bags. He knew Hayden was coming up today but was hoping that it was Ilya standing at his door instead. He didn’t know why he thought that Ilya would be there. He hadn’t heard from Ilya in months.
“What’s up, dude?” Hayden asked, squeezing past Shane who did his best to step aside in the doorway. “The drive up sucked with all the rain.”
“I can imagine, make yourself comfortable, you got here first so you got your pick of the bedrooms, they’re both right around the corner through the kitchen.” Shane closed the door and went back towards the living room, turning on the television to watch the pregame for the centaurs match. Hayden might give him shit for watching it, knowing Shane was watching it just for the occasional closeup of Ilya on the screen, but this could be their last game of the season and it could be his last chance to see Ilya for a while.
Hayden came out of the room he chose and entered the living room. “Do you have any booze? I could use one. I haven’t had a drink since the last time we hung out and that was like last month and the kids were being crazy and making me want to consider releasing them into the wild.”
Shane laughed. “Yeah there’s some beer in the fridge, help yourself. As far as the kids go - you should have stopped before you had four of them. This is all on you, you let yourself get outnumbered and that’s where you went wrong.”
“I can’t help it, my wife is so fine, and I love them so much I couldn’t help myself. I wanted more.” Hayden pulled out two of the beer cans for them.
“You’re so spoiled, do you know that?” Shane said, grabbing the drink that Hayden offered.
“Yeah, but my children are more spoiled than I ever have been in my own life. I’ve been waiting for the teenage years, where they start fucking up - just so they can blame it all on me.”
“They will. You’ll be the root of all their problems, but I think they will always know that no matter what, no matter how bad things will be in their lives, you will always be there for them, just like you are now.”
“Yeah, but if me and any of them actually do get into any sort of fight, I know they’ll be calling up Uncle Shane to come and get them.” Haydened leaned back on the couch, taking his much needed swig and finally looking at the television. “Shit, is this the centaurs game? Shane, are you sure you want to watch this?”
“No, but I just finished watching that rival documentary and it made me realize how much I actually missed him. LIke, I knew I missed him a lot but I would literally sell my left kidney just to have him walk past me on the street.”
“How was the documentary? I know better than to ask you to show it to me cause you’re all for respecting contracts.” Hayden said, rolling his eyes.
“Dude, they literally had me sign an NDA the only person I would be allowed to talk to about it is Ilya…” Shane paused for a moment, “and I really want to talk to Ilya.”
“Oooh,” Hayden said, “something big happened in the documentary didn’t it.”
“It did, but like I said I can’t talk about it.” He took a swig of the beer and reached over to the side table to grab his bong and weed. “Speaking of spoiled, I bought so much weed for us this week.”
“You really do spoil me.” Hayden laughed, he began helping Shane break down the weed as there was another knock on the door. Hayden got up and headed towards it.
— — — — —
Before J.J. could greet anyone, Hayden threw himself outside and quietly closed the door behind him. “Hayden what the fuck was that about?”
“Before you go in I need you to go do something.” Hayden said frantically. “Something happened in the documentary. I know it did. Shane is off right now. He has a secret and I need to figure out what the actual hell is going on.”
“We can’t talk about this inside? I don’t want my shit getting wet.” J.J. said.
“I know, but can you say you forgot something and want Shane to come with you to town or something? I need to get into his computer to see what the hell he’s keeping secret from me.” Hayden knew he looked crazy.
“Dude, I just got here, I don’t want to get back in the car.” J.J. let out a loud sigh. “I’ll do it though.”
“J.J., thank you I could literally kiss you right now. Give me a bag so he doesn’t think something is up.” J.J. rolled his eyes, handed Hayden one of his bags, and they headed inside.
With Shane and J.J. gone, Hayden was alone in the cottage. He waited until they were pulled out of the driveway before he went over to Shane’s laptop and opened it. It had a pin password and because he had seen Shane type it in so many times he knew what to type- 1410. The room number from his and Ilya’s first time together.
He searched through Shane’s plethora of emails until he found the one from the producer, happy that Shane had watched it already, so he didn’t have to worry about Shane seeing he opened it.
Hayden fast forward through all the shots of them playing hockey against each other. He watched the interviews with his jaw almost to the floor. Shane confessed that he still wanted to be in a relationship with Ilya. Shane told Hayden before the interview that he had broken up with Ilya because of what Troy and Luca had said to him. Ilya also confirmed his sexuality and mentioned how Shane had come out to him without outing Shane. He must not have known that Shane had come out in his section of the interview. After everything they had gone through, Ilya was still protecting Shane.
This was what Shane was keeping secret. The fact that they still love each other, is a secret that Hayden didn’t think they had to keep. They should be together. Fuck the rivalry that himself and Ilya had, they both knew it was all for show at this point, and even though Hayden didn’t want to admit it, he cared about Ilya. Fuck Luca and Troy and whatever opinion they have. Shane and Ilya have both given up so much in their lives. They deserve to be spoiled too.
Without thinking, Hayden returned Shane’s laptop to how he found it and pulled out his phone. He knew who he had to call.
TALK OF SUICIDAL IDEATION. USE CAUTION WHEN READING. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS.
Chapter 14:
We Go Way Back -
Ilya hasn’t gone to practice since the night of the club and because of it he wasn’t allowed to play in the game they had tomorrow. He messaged his coach saying that he was going through a hard time and will be back in a few weeks if the Centaurs pull through after this game. He told his coach to wish his teammates his best and that he is sorry he can’t be there for them right now, but they are all skilled and talented players and should be fine without him there. His teammates had been blowing up his phone since Ilya had walked out on them to the point where he turned it off. They had come over a few times trying to see him to figure out what was going on but he just yelled at them to leave him alone while refusing to leave the couch.
The last message Ilya had read was from Troy. He said that it was him specifically that said that there was no shame in calling it quits to Shane after he left the apartment. That he was the one that was responsible for the relationship ending. Part of him thought about what Luca had said afterwards, that if Shane loved him as much as he loved him it wouldn’t matter what anyone else said, he should have defended him. Shane should have talked to him. They could have talked it out, but he just made the decision without Ilya.
Ilya hasn’t moved from the couch outside of using the bathroom since he left the club. He changed into a hoodie and his sweatpants when he got home, but he couldn’t get himself to leave his couch. He knew today was the day they were emailing Shane and Ilya the documentary so they could see it before being released if they wanted to change anything. They said that he would have until the end of next week to request any changes.
He wasn’t worried about anything he said. Even with all the anger and sadness he had been feeling during the interview he stayed professional throughout everything and didn’t say anything hurtful about Shane. A part of him wanted to, but hating him on national television wasn’t a good move for anyone, he was “Canada’s Sweetheart” afterall.
He stared at his laptop, sitting on the coffee table still plugged in since he last used it months ago. He looked at the television that hasn’t been turned on once this week, the clubbing outfit thrown onto the floor into a rumpled pile, and his dinner from last night that he didn’t touch, still sitting on the plate on the table next to his computer.
Come on Ilya, he thought to himself, just get up and throw it away. Just get up and watch the documentary. If you get up and throw away the food you can watch the documentary laying down. You can fast forward through all the parts of Shane and just make sure what you said is okay. Come on, Ilya…
He just stayed there laying down, not moving. He wanted to have his legs work. He wanted to have his arms work but it felt like they were too heavy. He was so tired. He can’t make himself whole, for a while he was lucky just to get half, but he’s been existing in places so low, people recognizing that it’s really bad.
He wished he had Shane, even though Shane was the reason he was in this low place. Even if he wanted to, he could never hate Shane. He loved him and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t fake it, for even a moment, that he maybe didn’t. Shane would tell him that he has substance to who he is. That he is important. Even if he just let Anya out, he made a difference that day. He wanted to go back. He wanted to go way way back.
Ilya heard thunder rumbling outside, shaking him from his thoughts. He watched the storm touching down right outside his living room window, finding solace in the fact that the storm outside mirrored the emotions he was feeling on the inside. Unlike the rain, Ilya didn’t have the hope that what he was feeling would end. He has spent the last week trying to ignore the thoughts of suicide that had continued plaguing his brain. He swore to his childhood self that he would not be like his mom. He couldn’t be. He had friends, they would never forgive him if he did that. Even though he wouldn’t do it, he couldn’t help stop the thoughts from entering his head.
To stop the thoughts, even momentarily, Ilya sat up and grabbed the plate sitting on his coffee table. He eyed the distance from where he was to the kitchen, it wasn’t far. He could see the kitchen sink and the garbage can from where he was sitting. Come on Ilya, you’re so close. Just finish the job, you can do it. You can be lazy or depressed, you can’t be both. Think about your mom, she always cleaned up before she would shy away to her room. She would always make you and Alexi feel seen, regardless of how she was feeling. It’s okay to be like her in some ways and not others, Ilya. Make her proud. Just get up.
Ilya sat staring at the plate he was holding for what felt like an eternity and eventually he did stand up. He made his way to the kitchen, repeating what he has done every day this week. He would spend most of the day laying on the couch, barely touching or not touching the one meal he would force himself to try to eat, fall asleep on the couch and then wake up and stare at the old food and his wall, so lost in his head unable to get out of it, telling his friends to go away when they showed up after practice. That was it. That was the only thing he’s been able to do.
He feels terrible about it. He has broken up with people and been broken up with by people in the past and they were always manageable. He never had a breakup ruin him like this. Even before, he held onto the hope that Shane would take him back. After what he said to Shane about his mom, he wished he would have apologized but he didn’t he just hung up. It felt too late, he couldn’t get himself to call Shane back. Shane didn’t call him back. He wished Shane had come here. He wished he went to Shanes. He wished he held back his anger.
He made his way back to the couch after he rinsed off his plate and put it in the dishwasher. He opened his laptop and opened his email. He saw the email from the producer with the video attached to it and clicked it open and began playing the video.
It opened with a few shots of him and Shane at center ice doing a face off. It went on to show a few of the best plays against each other. He noticed that he and Shane never checked each other. They never got aggressive towards one another on the ice, almost as if they were subconsciously avoiding unintentionally, or maybe intentionally as far as hockey goes, to not hurt each other. He had never taken off his gloves against Shane, against Shane’s teammates yes, his teammates against Boston and the Centaurs yes, but never against each other.
He heard Shane’s voice through the speakers. “Playing against Ilya is something I will always treasure. When I had started to lose my passion for the game, like many people in their own professions, Ilya was the reason I showed up. Ilya made me want to strive to continue to get better. He made sure that I never got stagnant with my training. He was always my motivator.”
It cut through more shots of them playing against each other, and then cut to Shane sitting in the interview room. He sat in front of the camera, smiling. Ilya felt his heart ache, seeing Shane for the first time in a week. Ilya had the secret photos of him that he looked at before he turned his phone off, ignoring everyone who cared about him. The video was different though, seeing him move across the screen, talking with his hands, his eyes glistening from the bright ring lights.
“Ilya is a beautiful human. He is so unbelievably funny. Working with him on our side ventures brings me so much joy because he is so often joyful and fun to be around. Anyone who’s been with him when he’s cracking jokes is so lucky. I am so lucky to be able to have him in my life.”
Ilya stopped paying attention to the clips of him and Shane playing against each other. He didn’t care about anything he said. He almost wanted to ask them to reshoot because of how he looked. He didn’t sleep well so his under eyes were dark, his face was splotchy from the night of crying, he was slouched. He wasn’t going to, he was past the point of caring about himself.
“All in all, Ilya would be a great person to be in a relationship with, and if we could surpass all of the unknowns… yes. If everything went well… yes. I would be happy to be in a relationship with Ilya Rozanov.”
Ilya shot up off the couch, rewinding the video not convinced he heard it right. He played it again and knew he heard Shane correctly. He just came out to the world and admitted to having a crush on Ilya.
Ilya with shaking hands picked up his phone and turned it on for the first time in the week. He knew his interview started at two and he scrolled through his call log seeing when Shane called him to leave that voicemail. It was an hour before the interview.
Ilya sat there in the deafening silence of his apartment completely unsure of how to feel. Why would Shane end things if he was going to say he had a crush on him anyways. It didn’t make sense. Was it an act to protect them? Maybe the scrutiny that was going to come afterwards was going to be too much if they were in a relationship and it was going to be better to let things calm down first? What the fuck was he thinking?
He opened his message app and selected Shane’s contact. His fingers hovered over the keyboard trying to figure out what to say. He scrolled up into their past conversations, hoping it would give him the motivation to send a message. While scrolling he saw a picture, it was so strange since he and Shane always deleted photos after sending them. It was the selfie they took when they presented an award together. Ilya grinning ear to ear, looking at Shane and Shane suppressing a smile trying to look bored and failing. The only photo they had together. Ilya didn’t remember sending it to him.
— — — — —
The rain was coming down hard at the cottage. Shane stood by the patio door watching it hit the lake, the wind making waves. He had a cup of warm tea in his hands while he was trying to get motivation to open the documentary that the producer sent. He was so worried about what Ilya might have said in his parts of the documentary. He knew that Ilya was hurting when he filmed his half.
He saw it when he was checking his emails and felt his stomach drop seeing it sitting there, because of that he has been procrastinating and avoiding his computer for hours. Instead, he’s standing in his living room, watching the rain pour down, listening to the thunder, letting his mind wander towards Ilya.
He hoped Ilya was okay. He’s been avoiding looking at Ilya’s socials and the centaur’s team's socials. He couldn’t help but worry that there was something wrong. He worried about Ilya’s mental health. He hoped Troy and Luca told Ilya what happened. He hoped Ilya wasn’t too mad at them. He knew they were supposed to play a game tonight and he was tempted to watch it just to see Ilya’s face.
Before he walked away from Ilya for the last time, when Ilya was in the shower, Shane took Ilya’s phone and scrolled and scrolled until he found the only photo they have ever taken together and sent it to himself. He couldn’t remember if he ever deleted it. He didn’t think Ilya would care if he had it. He wished Ilya would have sent it a long time ago but until Ilya showed him that one random day, Shane didn’t even know he still had it.
He opened his own phone and looked at the picture that he put on his homescreen, smiling to himself, but wishing he had the real thing here with him, holding him while they watched the documentary together, laughing about how cringey they are.
Letting out a heavy sigh, Shane went to the kitchen where he left his laptop this morning, and got himself situated on the couch while pulling up the video for the second time today.
It started like any other documentary, shots of Ilya and him playing against each other. Most being in his Boston jersey and a few in the Centaur’s jersey. Shane was not going to have them pull anything or reshoot anything. Everything he said needed to be said. He was tired of hiding who he was. His team knew so it wasn’t going to shock them. His dad knew. Most importantly, Ilya knew.
“Shane Hollander is one of the best people in the entirety of Canada. He is continuously giving everything he does his all. He is the most motivated and dedicated player on any team out there, pushing himself to his limit and then making a new limit for him to reach. I play a part, where I think I’m better than him, but it’s fake. It’s a mask that I wear since that’s how I’ve always been portrayed and what’s harder to do than change your image? With his motivation, it’s hard to not want to try to get better yourself. He is the reason so many people and myself strive to be better players because deep down we all want to be like him on the ice.”
Shane felt himself tearing up hearing Ilya’s voice, knowing he was missing the sound of it, but not actually knowing how bad it truly was. His heart ached seeing Ilya look so disheveled. He was surprised the makeup team didn’t do more. Maybe he denied it.
“It was Shane’s idea to start all our foundation and summer training camp. He was the one who decided to name our foundation after my mother. He was the one who reached out to all of the old star players to become coaches. I don’t think I can ever not look up to Shane with the wonderful, thoughtful human he is.”
Shane was tearing up, even after everything that had happened between them they still couldn’t bring themselves to say anything bad about the other. It made Shane want to reach through the screen and pull Ilya to him and just hold him and thank him for everything he had done for him.
“I’m not sure how this applies to hockey, but yes I am bisexual. I have never felt the need to keep my sexuality a secret after leaving Russia. When a good friend of mine came out to me, I came out to him. He was shocked how easy it was for me to admit it after he felt he couldn’t for so long. He still isn’t out publicly so I will not do anything to confirm his identity because I am not the one who can tell people his story, when it simply is his story to tell.”
Shane couldn’t believe it. He and Ilya both came out and the other did not even know. Shane wondered how Ilya felt listening to everything Shane said after that.
Shane jumped when there was a knock on his front door. The documentary was rolling the closing credits so he just closed his laptop and headed towards the door.
With only 4 chapters left to The Great Divide (Heated Rivalry) what would you all like to see next? If none of these comment what you would like to read next.
Mafia inspired darkish romance (mob boss Ilya 🤤)
Another absolutely gut wrenching fic (inspired by Samson by Regina Spector)
The Montreal Metros did not make the playoffs. They were out the first round and their season ended quite early. Shane tried not to take it personally but he knows it was his fault that they lost so badly in their first game. They were playing against Boston, Ilya’s old team, and Shane was convinced that that was why he was so lost in his thoughts throughout the entire game. He hadn’t spoken or heard from Ilya in months. He has been avoiding searching anything online about the man because he knew no matter what it would just hurt him more. He deserved the pain. Ilya had been correct in their last conversation. He should have gone back to Ilya to talk about his concerns and they probably could have worked it out. Troy and Luca were right though, all he knew how to do was hurt Ilya. Especially since he isn’t good at hockey anymore.
The last few months Shane more and more thought about retiring after this season. He lost his passion when he lost his mom and Ilya. He played for them. For so long he played because it seemed to be the only thing that his mom cared about. He knew that wasn’t true. His mom was just passionate. He originally didn’t want to play hockey at all when he was a kid. He had no interest in it. The reason his parents signed them up was because he was having trouble making friends at school. They wanted to show what a team can do for you. He succeeded in making his friends because he was naturally gifted towards hockey. He honed his skills and that was how he got to where he is now. He saw how happy Yuna got after he performed well at practice or during a game. She had kept every award and trophy he got in school and it felt at times no matter what it was he did, she always seemed to be the most happy about his hockey accomplishments.
After he had turned eighteen he continued to play for Ilya. He played for the last ten years looking forward to their games together just so he could spend time with Ilya afterwards. There was a brief time he did care. After he got drafted to the metros he cared about the game itself. He was so proud of himself for getting on the top team of Canada. He did it with his own skills and merit, he was so passionate about the game for the first few years after it. He lost his passion but continued to play just so he could be at center ice with the only man he has ever loved.
He felt terrible playing against Boston, the team Ilya had left to be with Shane. To be closer to Shane. He felt such a deep level of guilt for everything Ilya had done for him just for it to end quicker than it started. He looked at the new team captain of Boston. It wasn’t Ilya. He knew it wasn’t going to be Ilya. He hated himself for it not being Ilya.
They should have ended it before it had ever gotten this far. He should have never agreed to stay when Ilya had made him that tuna melt. He could have stopped it then. He should have never invited Ilya to the cottage. He could have stopped it then. He never should have tried earlier this year to get Ilya to take him back. He never should have invited Ilya to his room for the first time. He could have ended it before anything ever really started.
He would have done it all over again. He will always love Ilya. No matter what happened to them, being with Ilya will always be his best choice. He was sad that it didn’t wind up being forever the way he wanted it to. He wanted to move up to the cottage with him when they were both retired. He wanted to be old sitting on the deck holding Ilya’s hand while watching the kids they adopted grow up in front of the lake. He imagined living up there, their kids visiting, bringing the grandkids he hoped he would have. He wanted to see Ilya, who was always so good with kids, play with their kids. He wanted Ilya to be able to be the fun dad, the one that teaches them how to have a good time, no matter where they are or what it is they are doing.
Since the season was done, Shane was now packing up his suitcase so he could head to the cottage. He was making the drive up by himself. The last few years he always had Ilya riding along with him, keeping him company, making him laugh, and singing along to pop music and dancing in the passenger seat. His heart broke more realizing how much light and laughter Ilya brought into Shane's life.
Ilya, when they first started seeing each other, always mentioned how boring Shane was. Ilya wasn’t wrong. He was boring before Ilya. He helped Shane loosen up. He stopped stressing so much about things he couldn’t control, he became more spontaneous, he started going out and doing things just because he wanted to, not because he had to. He used to be so rigid and uptight.
He began the drive to the cottage with a podcast playing in the background. It was just a comedy talk show between two friends with microphones but Ilya had enjoyed it because they talked about weird drama and news stories rather than the big things that most news stations covered. He had begun listening to it a few weeks ago on a particularly rough night, where drugs and booze were not enough to fill the hole in his chest that he put there just to feel like he still had a part of Ilya. He didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive himself for what he did.
The only thing he had to look forward to for the summer is that Hayden and J.J. were going to be coming up for a couple weeks for guy time. Given the year that Shane had Hayden talked to Jackie seeing if she was going to be okay with the kids and she told him that he should come and spend time with him after all the stress Shane had been under this last year. J.J. was still as single as ever so he had nothing stopping him from coming up.
They really stayed the only people that Shane would consider friends. They were the only ones who knew about Ilya and everything in full that had happened. After Ilya called him, Shane went to Haydens and J.J. happened to be there and Shane spilled everything that had transpired between the two of them. J.J. was shocked at first since Shane just came out gay to him not long ago and finding out that he had been in an almost eleven year relationship but understood that moment was not the time for questions. Shane was very thankful for J.J. being understanding and kind while Shane was crying so hard that he had to excuse himself to the bathroom to throw up.
It was the only thing he had to look forward to this summer. He also had until September to figure out if he wanted to play another season. Hayden and J.J. would want him to stay but it would be for selfish reasons on their parts. The issue was Shane simply couldn’t get himself to play like he used to.
Ilya, Shane thought, getting closer to the cottage, it's gone to shit without you… It was shit before, but at least I had you. I’m so sorry. I wish it was you that was going to be at the cottage with me.
He turned into the parking lot of the old gas station he and Ilya always stopped at. He got out and went inside to pick up drinks and snacks for the remainder of his drive. Walking down the aisles he saw all the sweet and salty treats that Ilya always grabbed by the handful. Without thinking Shane did the same, snack cakes, chips, sugary candies, chocolates he grabbed all of them, as if Ilya was waiting for him in the car. He used to be able to taste the residual sweetness when he would kiss Ilya when they finally made it to the cottage as if the three hour drive up there was torture for their mouths missing the sensation of the other. He continued through, stopping at the drink coolers and grabbed a few bottles of water, a bottle of ginger ale and a bottle of coke.
He stumbled through the store, trying not to drop anything in his precariously filled arms. He dropped everything as carefully as he could on the counter, the man behind him raising his eyebrows at Shane. “Anything else I can get for you?”
“A pack of Marbolo Silver Shorts, thanks.” Shane stood there awkwardly while the man grabbed the pack and began scanning the many items on the counter.
“Having a party or something?” He asked, talking about the snacks.
“Or something, just a long drive.” Shane paid and grabbed the two bags of food and drinks and made his way back to his car. Once inside he opened his new pack and began to smoke one of them, enjoying the burn after being out for a while. He looked through the bag and looked at all the junk food that he grabbed. He knew Ilya would be giddy about the snacks for the remainder of the drive.
He grabbed one of the Snickers bars and opened it up once he was finished with the cigarette. He took a bite out of it not particularly enjoying it but missing how they tasted none the less. After he finished it he took a big drink of the coke.All together it wasn’t a particularly pleasant flavor but once it muted together he licked his lips because it was how Ilya had always tasted after this drive.
Sitting in the parking lot he began to tear up. He missed Ilya and he never should have listened to Troy and Luca. He should have stood up for himself and told them the fuck off and leave their relationship alone, but he didn’t. They got what they wanted. He was never going to hurt Ilya again.
Once he felt he was going to be okay for the drive he looked up at the road. As if the universe was laughing at him he sat there as a cybertruck flew down the road. He laughed. He laughed so hard it felt delusional.
What a stupid, ugly, garbage truck. Ilya always would say. It’s a good thing that I’m not driving. I would fucking floor it right into the stupid thing.
Calming himself down, he began the drive again. The final stretch was quite boring without the man who always made it fun for him.
— — — — —
“Hey Ilya,” Harris’s voice broke his thoughts away from his phone. “Did you see they finally caught those guys who blew up those two police cars?”
“No, what happened?” Ilya asked him, not particularly interested. It wasn’t the first cop car he had seen on fire.
“It wound up being a couple of drunk college kids. I guess they got drunk and were previously arrested on some other sort of drunk and disorderly, or whatever it's called, and they recognized the cruiser that had picked them up and lit up and the other car was just caught in the crossfire.” Harris was reading from the article that he had found on the subject. “That is so crazy that they went that far and thought that it was an appropriate response.”
“Anger does strange things to people,” was all Ilya said.
“Still mad about what happened with Shane?” Harris asked Ilya, sitting down on the bench next to him.
Ilya just nodded. He showed Harris his screen. The pictures that he always circled back to, dressed up in tuxedos Shane’s face bored at Ilya’s antics while clearly suppressing a smile and Ilya grinning ear to ear looking at him, very clearly resisting the urge to kiss Shane. “I shouldn’t have said anything to Shane over the phone. I should have gone to him. I wouldn’t have said any of the terrible things I said to him if I had. I should have just gone.”
“How do you know it’s really over? You said that before and you guys got back together?” Harris asked, his eyebrows pinching together.
“I told him it was. He tried to apologize and I cut him off and cussed him out and said I never wanted to see him again, but here I am looking at the photos on my phone and on my instagram of all the things he had done for me. My life was so shitty for so long but at least I had him. I had him Harris… He was my constant for so long and now he’s gone. I won't see him again until next season. I miss him. He said in his voicemail that we were codependent on each other. I didn’t know what that meant so I looked it up and he was right. I needed him like I needed air to breathe but now I’m just struggling to do anything.”
“I understand that. I felt that way with my first girlfriend after high school. I relied on her so heavily that it started to crush her and she left me. I was so lost without her because I didn’t realize how I asked so much of her. Because of her though, I was able to work on my timing when I ask too much of people. Her leaving at that time felt like the worst thing in the world, but now it's a lesson that has helped me in my relationship with Troy. It is going to continue to be hard, hell it might even be for a few years, but in the end of it you’ll come out of it with something no one can take away from you.” Harris gave Ilya a one armed hug and planted a kiss on Ilya’s forehead. “It will be okay. I promise.”
Ilya leaned against Harris, feeling content with being held by his friend. He realized how much he needed the soft physical contact. Luca, Wyatt and Troy walked in seeing Ilya and Harris embracing each other. Without saying anything they sat down around the two on the bench and each of them put their arms around Ilya. Ilya felt his chest tighten and he began to sob. Big, loud, heavy, sorrow filled sobs that he couldn’t hold back anymore. He thought he was past the point of crying about Shane. He wanted to be done crying about Shane, but being surrounded here by the only people he is able to call family he couldn’t hold back.
He knew now that the Metro’s season was over so he knew Shane was headed north to the cottage they used to share. He hoped that he was going to be okay up there by himself. He was sure Shane was going to be bored but maybe that’s okay. Maybe he shouldn’t always put so much pressure on himself to always be the comic relief. Maybe it’s okay that he sits here, surrounded by his friend crying out every single thing he has tried to hold in to make sure that his teammates didn’t feel the need to worry about him.
That may be part of the lesson he needed to take away from all of this. That he didn’t always have to be strong, he didn’t always have to be funny. Maybe if the people are willing to be there it’s okay to have them help put the broken pieces back together.
“Ilya, we were going to go out and have some drinks tonight, would you like to come with?” Wyatt asked, his head in Ilya’s lap looking up at him.
Ilya couldn’t help but laugh at the scene of Wyatt looking up at him, sitting on the locker room floor, asking him for a drink after he spent almost ten minutes crying his eyes out. “Wyatt, I would love to go out with you guys for a drink.”
“What the fuck?” Bood emerged from the shower seeing all of them sitting around hugging each other. “Did you guys seriously start the team cuddle without me? That was my idea?”
Everyone let out a laugh, and began getting up to finish getting their street clothes on.
— — — — —
They all met up at Luca’s when they were done getting ready. They were all dressed up, with the intention of going out and flirting with people. The scent of weed hung in the air mixed with a slight smell of beer. Bood was playing his trash music out of a speaker and spirits were high. It was easily the best time Ilya had had in a long while.
“Hey, Bood cut the music. I think everyone is ready to go.” Luca yelled to him over the obnoxious music. “The uber is outside waiting now anyways. If they leave before we get in they’re going to charge me anyways and I’ll have to pay for it again. Everyone get the fuck out.”
Luca held open the door and everyone filed out. Wyatt and Bood slapped Luca on the butt as they passed him. “Thanks daddy,” Wyatt said.
“Dude no.” Luca said.
“Luca you’re so daddy you just don’t know it yet.” Bood added.
“Is this all we're going to be doing all night? Flirting with each other?” Harris asked.
“What do you mean ‘each other’?” Troy got defensive. “You should only be flirting with me. Plus Luca can’t be daddy, Ilya is so clearly daddy.”
Ilya laughed. “I will be daddy.”
“Ugh that’s such a daddy thing to say.” Wyatt said, opening the car door so the six of them could get in.
They stayed calm in the car ride, each of them not wanting to make the driver uncomfortable with how they typically talked with each other. They knew they could be quite crass and vulgar with one another and oftentimes more flirty than not.
The drive to the club was a relatively quick one. The driver clearly knew the quickest way there, most likely having done the drive so regularly or maybe he was speeding just because he had the six biggest hockey stars in Ottawa in his back seats.
They all filed out of the car and went up to the front door. There was a line of attractive people outside the club waiting to get in. The bouncer recognized them and let all six of them in, asking for some photos from them practically as a trade off. Some people were upset for skipping the line but sometimes that’s just the club scene.
Inside there was loud house music blaring through the speakers, the lights low and colorful.
“I’m gonna get us some drinks.” Bood yelled over the music and split off towards the bar.
Ilya looked towards the dance floor thinking about joining them. He definitely felt the energy. He grabbed Luca’s hand and led him through the crowd of people towards the dance floor. He felt Luca stiffen, anxiety starting to take over.
“Just relax.” Ilya yelled into Luca’s ear over the music. “Just move with the music.”
They did. Ilya and Luca danced letting the music flow through their bodies. Moments later, the rest of the guys joined them doing the same thing. Bood handed Ilya his drink and Ilya never stopped moving, continuing to dance.
Turning around he saw a very attractive blonde girl next to his group with her friends. After making eye contact she started to make her way towards Ilya. She turned around and started swaying her hips inches in front of Ilya’s. He took the opportunity to place his hands on her hips and began swaying with her.
She didn’t stop him or say no as his hands slid up and down the sides of her body. Some of her friends began dancing with his teammates behind him. She turned around facing Ilya and ran her hands across his shoulders and chest. He got lost looking into her bright blue eyes surrounded by smokey makeup.
They did that, touching each other gently dancing along to the music. She eventually grabbed Ilya’s hand and led him away from her friends and his team. He followed her towards the bathroom. He let her lead him to the dark hallway, through the bodies of the others still dancing away. Once they were secluded she practically pounced on Ilya. Her lips crashing against his.
He stood there, unable to kiss her back. He carefully moved her away from him. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m sure you’re great but I can’t.”
He left her there, standing in the shadows, surely confused. He went towards the entrance of the club, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone he came with while a lump was growing in his chest. He thought he could do this, just something pointless, but he wasn’t ready. She’s not Shane.
He went down the block before getting on his phone to call an uber. He just needed to hold it together long enough so he can cry himself to sleep back at his own place.
Shane, I miss my life with you… was all he could think.
“Would you say that you and Rozanov were destined to be rivals from the beginning?” The lady doing the interview asked Shane.
“I think we were.” Shane answered. “The funny thing about destiny is that even though it’s pushing against you, you can still change what has been written out for you. Ilya and I were pushed to hate each other, forced to view each other as an obstacle on our way to the top. We were who the other strived to be better. We were each other's motivation.
“Over the years of playing hockey together we became so much more than rivals, we became friends. We became someone the other would call because we understood each other. We learned that, despite our differences, we work very well together. We performed well together during various All - Stars games, we began a hockey camp together where we were co-coaches showing young kids both of our talents, and we began the Irina Foundation to help others who struggle with their mental health. Even though the media wanted us to hate each other, both of us found a friend for life.”
“That’s beautiful Shane. Do you think the forced narrative made it challenging for you two to form that relationship?” She asked him.
“It certainly did. The friendship was not developed until a few years ago. I believe in the rookie season and the years leading up to it, we hated each other simply because we were told we had to.” Shane told her.
“When do you think it turned from hatred into a friendship?”
“That is a hard question to answer. When I met Ilya after practice before the draft game, I thought immediately that he was an asshole. Looking back on it I realize it was because at the time he was still struggling with English as a language, he wasn’t good at the nuances of his tone of voice to help show what it was he was actually feeling.
“I think the friendship started during the All - Stars game after the Olympics. Even though we were on separate teams, we still ended up spending a significant amount of time together during that. I saw his soft side when some kids recognized him when he was swimming in the pool and he started playing games with them. He wasn’t worried about being embarrassed by who could potentially be watching him but he made sure that each one of them felt seen.
“It was something that made me realize that the asshole was just a persona on the ice. That is not who Ilya Rozanov is. After the little game he played with that group of kids he came over to me to ask me for money because he forgot his wallet in his hotel room and he bet them all candy bars from the vending machine if they won. He threw the game and when he realized he forgot his wallet he asked me to make sure he came through for those kids and then when we got back to the hotel he knocked on my room door and gave me back the money. I didn’t ask him to pay me back, I didn’t expect it, it was something that was going towards a good cause. It didn’t matter to Ilya, it was his promise, it should have been his money.
“Ilya, even with all the negative things others say, is truly a nice person. I think there are people who don’t want to give him another chance because of who he is on the ice. I feel like every player out there wears a mask on the ice. They become meaner, harsher, bolder than off the ice. I am known off the ice as a nice person, on the ice I have been known to throw off my gloves when it is time for that. I think people are just stubborn. Sorry for the tangent.”
“It’s okay, Shane. My next question was going to be how did your reputations affect your ability to be friends off the ice. I think that answers it.” The interviewer flipped through her pages looking at what to ask next. “So you guys went from forced rivals to friendship. Do you think you guys will ever be more than that? There have been rumors about your sexuality, since you’re rarely seen with women. Some people assume it's simply because your focus has always been hockey and you don’t have the desire to look beyond that to try to settle down. Other people say that perhaps it's because you’re not straight. Since Scott Hunter came out on national television with his boyfriend some people have been assuming maybe that could be the case for you. Do you care to weigh in on the rumors?”
Shane let out a heavy sigh. He didn’t want to continue living in a box and not being allowed to be his true self. If he did this though, Ilya wouldn’t be by his side for it. “I suppose it would be good to put the rumors to rest. It is actually a combination of both things. I am gay. My teammates are aware of my sexuality and for a little while my teammates were on the fence.
“Homophobia has been something that plagues hockey and other sports for a long time. Slurs are thrown about as insults intended to hurt you because to some people being queer is the worst thing that you can be. You could be the worst player on the team but as long as you’re not gay, you deserve respect. There was a challenge there even with my teammates but eventually they realized that I am still the same person I was when I was drafted. My sexuality does not determine how well or unwell I play hockey.
“As far as dating goes, I am not in a place in my career where a relationship is feasible. I am not home much during the season and I don’t want the man that I choose to feel like he’s waiting around for me. I know whoever it is will have his own life and I can’t expect him to leave everything behind for me to come with the same way that majority of the players have their families travel with the team.
“Rozanov was one of the first people I told my sexuality to. There was a conversation where we were both being vulnerable with each other. He made me feel seen and valid before anyone else ever had. I told him before telling either of my parents. Sometimes I feel that without telling him first and the positive response he gave me.”
“Would you ever want to be more than friends with Ilya Rozanov?” She asked.
“That unfortunately isn’t something I can answer given the fact that there are too many unknowns.” Shane said.
“What if the unknowns were known?” She pressed.
Shane sat there uncomfortable. He was trying to figure out how to answer the question without outing Ilya. “There is a lot to assume. To start off we would have to assume Ilya is interested in men like that. We also have to assume that we can make the long weeks apart work. He is on a hockey team himself, he lives about two hours away when he’s not traveling for the sport.
“That stuff is easier to surpass. After that we have to assume what the press and fans and the board of governors will do when they find out the two biggest hockey stars are in a relationship together. How is it going to affect the game? How is it going to affect our teams? Are the sponsors going to be okay with it?
“All in all, Ilya would be a great person to be in a relationship with, and if we could surpass all the unknowns… yes. If everything went well…yes. I would be happy to be in a relationship with Ilya Rozanov.” Shane felt his face flush. He was so scared about what it was that he just admitted in front of cameras. After living in denial of everything he felt, he felt relief. He was happy that he didn’t have to hide his identity anymore. “Before the rumors get out of hand that is not something that is going to happen tomorrow if ever. I don’t want anyone to get their hopes up, or in general assume that just because I mentioned I am okay with something like that that it will happen. No one gets their hopes up.”
“Thank you Shane. I do believe we are done here now. Is there anything you want us to cut from the documentary? I know there were several things that became quite personal and if you would prefer it, we can cut them from the documentary.” The interviewer began to pack up her things. “Don’t feel pressured to answer right away, Your agent has both my number and the producers so you do have some time. I would say do it by the end of the month, we're looking for mid next month as a release time. We will not be showing any of your responses to Mr. Rozanov either so don’t worry about that.”
“I think everything I said needs to be heard, I’ll let you know if anything changes.” Shane stood up and shook her hand along with others in the room, thanking them for their time and left. He knew Ilya’s interview was going to be tomorrow morning. He was thankful that Ilya wasn’t going to see anything he said, especially after the voicemail he had left him.
Shane didn’t know if he had seen it yet. It was mid afternoon and if he was busy with Troy and Luca he supposed it could still be a while until he was calling Shane to figure out what was going on.
Shane felt terrible for making the call, but Troy and Luca were right. He was only going to keep hurting Ilya.
It wasn’t like that he didn’t understand that relationships do on occasion cause pain to one another. Whether it is intentional or something so little like being unable to understand something that your partner is trying to tell you and causing them so much distress the way he did to Ilya the first time.
So many people out there deny, deny, deny. They deny that they have caused their partner stress. They deny that they could potentially have flaws. They deny that their partner may be asking them for something without actually asking. So many fights have been started all over the place from the denial that so many people live their lives in. Shane did. Last year in August, Shane denied that he was doing anything bad to Ilya. That he could possibly be the problem. He realized now just how egotistical that was of him. He was Shane Hollander. He couldn’t possibly do anything wrong.
Part of it might have had to do with the fact that it was his first real relationship. He’s had girlfriends in the past but they were never anything serious. The closest he had to something serious with a woman was with Rose and even that only lasted a few months. He never had a fight with any of them beyond when he broke up with them. They just weren’t who he was attracted to, even when he was refusing to admit to himself that he could possibly be gay.
He would always be appreciative of Ilya for allowing him to come to terms with himself in that aspect. He still might be in denial to an extent. He doesn’t think that he would ever be able to actively be in a relationship with anybody and still be playing hockey. He didn’t lie to the interviewer when he said that part of the reason he didn’t maintain relationships was because of hockey.
Shane had just made it back to his house when his phone rang. He felt his heart drop when he saw Ilya’s name on the caller I.D. He knew this was going to happen but he was afraid to hear the hurt in Ilya’s voice.
Shane swallowed his anxiety and answered the phone. “Hello?”
“What the fuck Shane?!” He could hear the tears in his voice. “After fucking everything, this? Are you fucking kidding me. A fucking voice mail Shane?”
“Ilya -”
“No fuck you.” Ilya sniffled over the phone. “I have done everything I can to be better and be the person that you deserve and we had a great morning together and you leave and then over a fucking voicemail?!”
“Please Il-”
“Just fucking stop!” Ilya yelled. “We could have sat down and talked about this but you decided to try to do it over the fucking phone. I gave you so much of my life. I gave you so much of me Shane. This shows me that- I don’t even know - that I’m not worth your fucking respect. You clearly don’t have a fucking heart. I gave you mine and what? The moment it got too much or whatever fucking happened from you leaving my apartent to the interview, you just felt it was best to call me?”
“Ilya please, I’m-”
“I don’t want to hear it, Shane. I don’t want to be friends. Not after this. I don’t want your fucking apology, I don’t want it. I’m sick of all these conversations within conversations. I’ve fucking lost it. I used to care to know your secrets but now I don’t think I ever want to see you again.”
Shane felt the tears finally begin to fall. He deserved the pain Ilya is causing him with his words. He was right he should have sat down and talked about it with him rather than calling him but he knew he was a fucking coward. “Ilya…”
“Do you still have a heart Shane?” He asked.
“Ilya. I don’t -”
“I think your heart died with your mother Shane. Luckily she isn’t around to see it.”
Shane stood there as the line went dead.
— — — — —
Luca was deep into a game on his xbox when he heard the knock on his front door. He paused it and walked up, worried because he hadn’t been expecting anyone. He was shocked to see Ilya standing there. His eyes were red and puffy, his skin was flushed and streaky. It was clear he had been crying.
“Jesus Roz, are you okay what happened?” Luca stepped aside allowing Ilya to enter the apartment.
“He left me…” Roz said, his voice rough and breaking as if he was going to start crying again. “After you and Troy left, I went to my room to check my phone and I had a voicemail from Shane and he broke up with me in the voicemail.”
“What the fuck? Are you serious?” Luca closed the distance between them giving Ilya a hug. He felt Ilya wrap his arm around him and begin to sob. Luca stood there holding his friend and letting him get it all out. “Ilya, it might be mine and Troy’s fault that this happened…”
Ilya stepped back out of the hug suddenly. “What do you mean?”
“We ran into Hollander when he was leaving your apartment. We told him the same thing we told you. That we care about you and that we don’t want to see you hurt. He must have taken it to heart but that wasn’t our intention. I mean,” Luca felt his heart beat race as Ilya’s face hardened, “when we told you, you told us you love him and basically told us nicely to fuck off. I could have assumed he would do the same thing. I never expect him to actually end it, over a voicemail.”
Ilya’s face softened and felt a bit of relief. He knew Ilya was one to swing and he was worried about being on the receiving end of Ilya’s rage. Luca stood there as Ilya collapsed on the couch, his head in his hands. “I’m not mad at you Luca. I know you and Troy said it to him for the same reason you said it to me. I know you did it because you guys love me and you’re right… He should have told you guys to fuck off… Maybe he never really loved me.” Ilya’s voice broke with his last sentence and Luca felt his heart break for the man who was sitting destroyed on his couch.
“Ilya, I know it's not in the same way you are wanting to be loved, but I love you. You are my best friend and if you say the word I’ll drive to Shane’s house right now and kick the fuck out of him for doing this to you.” Luca sat next to Ilya on the couch and threw his arm around Ilya.
“I know you want to throw off your gloves for me but don’t. I said something terrible to him just to make him feel the fraction of the pain that I felt listening to it… I shouldn’t have…”
“Probably not, but all of us say things that we don’t actually mean when we're upset. You would know.”
Shane was confused when he woke up barely able to move. He looked around the surrounding area and realized that he had fallen asleep in Ilya’s apartment. He looked down at the reason that he couldn’t move. Ilya was still asleep on his chest. He looked at how comfortable and vulnerable Ilya looked. His lips were parted and he was drooling onto Shane’s chest, his face worry free, and his hair hung loosely across his forehead.
Shane leaned forward the best he could to kiss Ilya on the forehead. That little thing was something that he missed so much. He remembered all the times sitting alone at home touching his lips missing the lingering sensation in them that kissing Ilya would always leave behind. He always would struggle describing it when he would talk to Hayden about what specifically he missed. His answers always were just the little things. He tried to explain the sensation of his lips tingling when he was yearning for the feeling of Ilya’s lips against him. He never felt his words could do it justice.
Ilya let out a large snore and his head shot up, his eyes puffy from sleep. He looked around the apartment and up at Shane and put his head back down on Shane’s chest rubbing his eyes with his hands.
“Good morning my love,” Shane said, smiling down at Ilya.
Ilya mumbled out the Russian words as a response and Shane did not know what he said. That was another thing that Ilya did that Shane loved so much about him. More often than not, when Ilya was still trying to wake up his brain was only able to get the Russian out. Shane didn’t know what he was saying most of the time but he found it so heartwarming that it was a part of Ilya.
‘Ilya, you know I only know dirty talk in Russian.” Shane laughed at the man laying on his chest. “I have no idea what you said. “
“I said, ‘I don't want to be awake and I hate the sun.’” Ilya groaned loudly, pushing his face further into Shane’s chest. “Did you make coffee?”
“No, you are quite literally on top of me.” Shane smirked. “If you get off of me I’ll make us some.”
Ilya grumbled some more Russian, squeezed Shane’s torso hard, and then let go, moving so Shane could get out from under him. He almost fell off the couch since Ilya started pushing him, trying to help Shane move. Ilya laid face down on the couch, pulling the hood of his sweater over his face blocking out more of the sun.
Shane knew Ilya was never a morning person. Whenever they were together Ilya wouldn’t get out of bed until ten or eleven. He was always the opposite, rising with the sun. He enjoyed being able to get the things he needed to get done right away so once the time night came he would be able to relax and read like he enjoyed doing before bed. When he and Ilya separated his sleep certainly suffered. He couldn’t fall asleep at night so he started waking up later and later. He once overslept and missed the start of practice.
As he started the coffee pot he let his mind wander. He thought about how long it took him to break the habit of leaving on his front porch light. Ilya often would get to Shane’s place after the sun went down so he would always leave it on so Ilya never had to worry about not being able to see. Every night he would turn it on and every morning he would turn it off as his heart broke a little more. He always would hope to see that the light would be turned off and that Ilya was home, that was never the case.
He had never felt so alone than he did during that time. He never gave up hope that things would work out like they have but he always had the thought of it not being shameful to call it quits. They tried to make it work but they couldn’t and it wasn’t until Shane lost everything how unbelievably spoiled he had been. He had a man who loved him, most people will go their entire lives without meeting someone they can without a doubt believe is their soulmate and he had it, and then went and threw it away.
Thoughts of Ilya felt like poison to his lungs for such a long time. Haunted by the ghost that Ilya had left behind, the clothes, the smell of cigarettes, the photos. The thing that hurt Shane the most was all the little things, how Ilya’s toothbrush sat dry in the holder, the shampoo and conditioner that sat half empty and not touched since the last time Ilya was there to use it.
He took forever to break the habit of pouring two cups of coffee, grabbing two plates to serve dinner, grabbing an extra towel for the man that always broke into the shower while he was in it. He was always forgetting to grab one on his way into the bathroom, he would stand there shivering out of the warm water waiting for Shane to be done drying off enough to run to the closet in the hallway where they were stored.
He looked back over at Ilya, he was asleep again, snoring softly. Shane couldn’t help but be a bit jealous of Ilya’s ability to fall asleep at a moment's notice. He was willing to give up everything in his life to make sure that Ilya stayed with him for the rest of their lives.
Looking at the man who is currently passed out upon the couch, Shane couldn’t help but realize how serious he actually was about quitting hockey to be with Ilya all the time. He had more than enough money he could retire and not have to worry about finances for the rest of his life even if they had to take care of David or if they chose to have children they would be able to afford anything and everything they could imagine.
Shane walked over to the fridge and pulled out Ilya’s creamer. Ilya always took his coffee with sugar and a “splash’ of creamer. Any time he watched Ilya make his coffee it was always a very light tan, adding a significant amount of creamer that no one would actually classify as a splash the way Ilya did. Shane poured the ‘splash’ of creamer into the cup, leaving his own black and made his way towards Ilya on the couch.
“Baby,” Shane said in a sing-song voice, “time to wake up. I have coffee for you.”
Ilya sat up, and took the cup from Shane and brought it to his lips. “Very good, thank you. When do you have to leave?”
“Sooner than I would like. Once we’re done with morning coffee I’m going to have to head back to Montreal to film my interviews for that documentary about our ‘rivalry’. I’m just happy I don’t have practice. I got checked into the boards last night during the game and I’m really starting to feel the ache in my shoulder.”
“I saw that, it looked painful. Did you need anything for it? I have muscle rubs and relaxers and pain killers if you need them. I could run you a bath, I have some salts that are supposed to be good for pain.” Ilya had a worried look in his eyes.
“I’m okay, I appreciate your concern. After it happened I got checked out by the team medic and they said other than some bruising it’ll just be fine.” Shane nudged Ilya with his shoulder to prove that it was fine.
“Take off your shirt.” Ilya commanded.
“What?”
“Take off your shirt. I want to look at it.” Ilya moved so he was on his knees in front of Shane. The view made Shane’s cock throb in the loose fitting sweatpants. Seeing Ilya kneeling in front of him had Shane obeying without a second thought. He threw the shirt over the back of the couch and sat bare chested.
Ilya’s brows furrowed, examining the large bruise spreading across Shane’s shoulder. Shane wasn’t sure what Ilya was going to see that the team medic hadn’t. Shane sat there, as Ilya brushed gentle fingers across his shoulder and down his arm. Ilya leaned forward and started planting light kisses across the bruise. Shane closed his eyes, only feeling the soft lips of his boyfriend.
He felt Ilya beginning to travel away from the bruising. Ilya began kissing down his arm and the back of his hand, back up towards his neck and jaw, and back down again to cover his chest with the soft kisses. Slowly Ilya’s mouth traveled down his stomach, Ilya’s fingers slid into Shane’s waistband and began to tug down on them so Shane lifted up his hips so Ilya could slide them down the rest of the way.
Ilya made his way back up Shane’s torso and planted his lips on his. Shane melted into the kiss wrapping his arms around Ilya’s broad shoulders pulling him up off the floor. Ilya pushed into Shane, having him lay back on the couch. Ilya lightly brushed his fingers down Shane’s chest and firmly grabbed onto Shane’s erection.
Shane felt Ilya’s firm grasp get slippery as Shane leaked precum all over Ilya’s fingers. Ilya began to kiss and bite Shane's neck and collarbone. Shane felt himself already so close to cumming all over Ilya’s hand. As if Ilya could read his mind he pulled his mouth off of Shane’s and began sucking Shane’s cock. Ilya used his precum soaked fingers to begin stretching Shane, making sure he was prepared for Ilya when Ilya decided he was ready for Shane. The dual stimulation made Shane cum directly into Ilya’s throat. No warning, no words, his body betrayed him at this moment.
“Oh my god, Ilya. I am so sorry. It all felt so good.” Shane panted.
“Don’t apologize. I’ll get mine soon enough.” Ilya said with a wink. He stood up in front of Shane and hooked a finger under his chin, lifting it so Ilya could let Shane taste himself and then he walked away towards the bathroom.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Shane jumped up struggling with the pants around his ankles and followed Ilya to see what he was talking about.
— — — — —
Walking out of Ilya’s apartment, Shane was grinning ear to ear from the mind blowing sex they gv had in that shower. He didn’t care about how sore he was going to be later, it was so worth it.
When he got outside he was bummed to see that it was raining. He parked on the far side of the parking lot in the visitor spot and with how hard the rain was coming down he knew he was tfff+-going to be soaked to the bone.
He took a deep breath prepared to go when he heard someone call out his name. He looked around and saw Luca Haas and Troy Barrett walking his way, sharing an umbrella.”Hey guys, what up?”
“Not much, you visiting Roz?” Barrett asked him, eyeing Shane up and down while he said it.
“Yeah, um, I know he told you guys about us. He was having a rough day yesterday so I drove here after my game last night to make sure he was okay.” Shane was starting to get nervous.
“That’s so nice of you.” Luca said. “I’m sure it made his day better to see his boyfriend.”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s what I was hoping to do. We had coffee together this morning and it was really sweet.” Shane replied.
“Look, Hollander,” Troy began, “just… Roz is a sensitive guy and he was doing really well when you guys weren’t together. He started to work on himself and treated his depression and tried to become a better person when you guys weren’t together. I can’t help but think that you might be a bad partner for our captain, and you should know there’s no shame in calling whatever you guys got going on quits because you almost seem to be a poison in his lungs. I obviously can’t tell you and him what to do but we care about Roz a lot, and whatever it is you did to him last time caused him to need a person around to make sure he didn’t harm himself. I don’t want to see my captain and my friend go through that again.”
Shane felt his throat grow tight from Troy’s words. “Did you guys come here just to say that?”
“We came to talk to Roz. That’s why we’re here. We just happened to run into you first.” Luca said.
“Look, Hollander, there’s no hard feelings. We don’t have any bad blood towards you, but you destroyed him once. We just don’t want it to happen again, and we would rather one of you guys end it now before Roz gets too attached. He deserves so much better than that.” With the final word, Troy and Luca headed inside to Ilya’s apartment.
Shane stood in front of the building, getting soaked by the rain. The words that came from his boyfriend’s friend hit him like a train. Ilya was doing good. He saw it for himself when they were in Florida. Was he wrong for wanting Ilya back? Was he being selfish again for wanting him back? Did Ilya feel pressured to take him back and that’s why he said yes? Because it was easier to deal with him by simply giving into whatever he wanted because it just wasn’t worth the fight?
Shane ran towards his car. He couldn’t think about it right now. He was going to be late for the interview for the documentary about Ilya and him. Don’t do anything rash, call him later. It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.
— — — — —
Ilya just finished getting dressed for the day when he had a knock on his door. For a moment he thought maybe that Shane had rescheduled his interview and decided to spend the day with Ilya instead. Ilya made his way to the door and saw a slightly damp Luca and Troy at his door. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness that it wasn’t his boyfriend on the other side of the door but he was still happy to see his friends
“Hey Rozy,” Troy said.
“Hey guys. What are you doing here?” Ilya asked them, moving to the side to let the men enter his apartment.
“We were passing through after getting some lunch and wanted to say hi and see if you wanted to hang out a bit. We could have a couple drinks or smoke and just hang out.” Luca said.
“I’d be down, I picked more smoke up yesterday and there’s plenty of beer in the fridge, help yourselves.” Ilya plopped down on the couch and began grinding weed to share. Luca threw down a bag to add to the stash.
Ilya rolled them a blunt while Luca got comfortable on the chair next to the couch and Troy grabbed some beers for them all. This wasn’t how he had planned his day going. He was going to go grocery shopping, go for a run and work out at the gym, but there was nothing wrong with a little day drinking with friends, especially when there is always tomorrow.
The three of them sat there around Ilya’s coffee table, drinking, smoking and sharing laughs with one another. It was a good time and Ilya was happy to be spending the time with his friends.
“Hey, uh, Ilya…” Troy said, with a worrying tone to his voice that, even inebriated, Ilya picked up on immediately.
“What’s up?” Ilya asked, trying not to let the concern show on his face.
“The real reason Luca and I came here was to talk to you about your relationship with Shane.” Troy began.
“We know we can’t force you to do anything, we don’t want to force you to do anything, we’re just worried.” Luca added.
“He hurt you so badly, Ilya. You have been growing so much as a person, and we don’t want it to stop. We are worried with you rushing back into this relationship with Hollander that you are going to revert back into who you were before. There is no shame in calling it quits when its for your own sake” Troy said.
“Ilya,” Luca paused thinking of how to word what he was going to say next, “obviously we don’t know what your relationship with Shane was like, we just know how it ended. We are so worried that something like that is going to happen again and the outcome will be worse this time and that you won't come to us for help.”
“You were a ghost, Ilya. We could tell that you weren’t with us. We don’t want to see you like that again.” Troy finished.
“So what, you want me to hurt him before he can hurt me? Am I taking this the right way?” Ilya was trying not to get mad. He understood where his friends were coming from but what the fuck else were they trying to say?
“I mean that’s a very harsh way of saying it, but yes.” Troy said. “We’re not trying to come from a place of malice, we love you so much man. We just worry about you.”
“I appreciate it you guys. I really do. I’ll be careful with everything. Please know though, I love Shane so much and leaving that first day was truly the biggest mistake in my life. I went through all that change to be better for him. I know it should be something I do for me but sometimes I struggle too much with doing things for me. I see where you guys are coming from and I love you both too. Thank you for being my friends. I’ve never had anyone who cared about me like this in my life, not including Shane.”
Troy clapped his hand on Ilya’s shoulder and stood up with a gentle smile. Ilya watched as Troy and Luca left. He cleaned up the cans left behind and headed towards his room to sleep off the inebriation.
His phone was lit up with a missed notification across the screen. There was a voicemail left from Shane. Ilya wasn’t prepared for how devastating the message truly was.
— — — — —
Hey Ilya. I have been doing some thinking. You know how much I love you and how much I will always love you. I’m scared that I’m going to hurt you again. I think it will be best if we stop dating.
I still want to be friends. I want a future with you. That hasn’t changed. I just fear that me and you are too codependent on each other and that isn’t the grounds for a healthy relationship. I think we need to learn how to truly be without each other because of how much time we spend together.
I know we are apart regularly enough with our various schedules. I just mean in the sense of, like, I’m sorry I just don’t know how to word it. I just feel like we are always thinking about each other, not that it's bad to do that or anything… I’m sorry I’m just really struggling to find the words to say.
I love you Ilya. I’m sorry to do this to you again. I’ll talk to you later.
New chapter making me want to rip out my hair, send help. I have rewritten it ten times. It seems bad. At least they got freaky before I ruined everything.
Shane was away for a game, and Ilya had gotten back last night and all he had to look forward to was the phone call he knew he would get from Shane later tonight. Today was the anniversary of his dad passing away. It had since become a hard day for him. He was glad his dad was gone, he didn’t miss him. Ilya knew he wasn’t enough for his dad and for so long he was living his life in a way that he thought would make his dad proud of him and ever since then he had felt like he wasted so much of his life.
He played hockey because his dad wanted him to. He knew he was good at hockey, his statistics didn’t lie, but he was never good enough for his dad. His dad always gave him a thousand ways he could have been better, regardless of how many goals he had scored that night, no matter how many assists, steals, hat tricks, none of it mattered to his dad. He was never good enough.
He hid his sexuality. With his dad being a police officer he already knew the danger in telling his father that. His dad would have been ashamed and would have been the one to arrest him. Even though being gay was legal in Russia, that didn’t mean you were protected from discrimination or harm. That also didn’t mean that his dad couldn’t lie and say he was promoting something that would allow for an arrest. His dad would do that. He would have disowned Ilya the moment he had found out and he and Alexi would have planted some sort of evidence on him that would have allowed for the arrest to have happened.
He lied about what happened to his mom. He willingly allowed his father to change the narrative of what happened to her. He said that it was simply an accident, that she had forgotten that she had already taken the pills. That’s how she died. He knew how his dad talked to her, how his dad talked about her after she passed. He allowed him to. Ilya had allowed it. He allowed his dad to slander his mother even when she was in her grave.
He was young. That’s what he told himself as an excuse for why he never stood up to his father. When he was drafted to Boston the space allowed him to pretend that his dad was a better man than he was. When he was gone, his dad could be anything that he wanted.
He could pretend that his dad wasn’t addicted to cocaine during his childhood years. Maybe his dad wasn’t an alcoholic. Maybe someday he won't have to tell them about how his dad stole the china set that his grandma had given his mom to sell in order to pay the mortgage on the house after he had to pay off the chief of police who caught him doing lines in the bathroom.
He could also pretend that the holes in the walls of the weight room he had after he purchased his first home weren't from his dad. That maybe he did deserve the trophies that his dad threw, barely missing Ilya’s head, that left the holes in the wall. That wasn’t the first time his dad had left his marks in Ilya’s space. His childhood bedroom had so many holes in the walls that his dad had put there with his fists. His father refused to fix them. He said that they would serve as reminders for Ilya forcing him to use his hands.
He said that about the many bruises and welts that Ilya always had to hide. Once he started hockey he was able to lie easier about where the marks on his body came from. He got sent into the barricade, he got into a fight, he got hit with a puck. It became so easy to lie.
Part of him wonders if that’s why he struggled so much maintaining relationships with people. Since he spent all his time and energy lying to people, how did he know that they weren’t lying to him? Why would they want to be nice to him when his mother took her life and his father beat him over simply existing? If the person that was left to raise him into a decent human wasn’t a decent human how could he be a decent human?
Sometimes he wondered if he ever needed to actually lie. Ilya felt that even if he would have been honest with his peers it wouldn’t have actually mattered. They were all dealing with their own stressors in their own homes. Why should he ever burden others with his own problems?
He always wanted to pretend that his dad was the type of dad that would have gotten a project car that he would teach Ilya how to fix it and teach him how it runs. At this point he is glad his dad will stay gone. That at the very least he can’t hurt him any more or have his mothers name roll out of his slandering mouth.
Ilya wished he was big enough or strong enough to knock his father down a peg while he was still alive. His father died thinking Ilya loved him. Ilya wished he had been strong enough to make him realize how untrue that actually was. He wished he could have told him how much he despised him and how he wished that he would have taken his own life so his mother never would have. He wished he could have stopped him long before he damaged everything that Ilya had cared about in his life.
He wished that he could have stopped his dad before he had ever laid hands on his mom. He knew he did that well before Ilya had come into the picture. After she had Alexi his dad changed. He learned from his grandma before his mom passed that his dad was not a good human and to be careful around him. He was six when she had warned him, he wished he understood it more then. At that age he still thought he had to love him simply because he was his father.
He also had to learn that just because his dad was his senior that didn’t mean that he had to respect him. He claimed he was a man worth respecting, but what kind of man lays his hands on his wife and children simply because he had a bad day. He didn’t love his father. He never has.
His phone ringing broke him from his spiraling thoughts. He looked at the caller I.D. realizing it was Shane finally calling him after the game. He quickly answered. “Hey, who is this? I got a new phone?”
“Ha, ha,” Shane said unamused but Ilya could hear the smile in his voice. “How are you doing? I miss you.”
“I miss you too, baby.” Ilya said with a slight smile on his own face. “I’ve been better.”
“I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” Shane asked him.
“Yes… No… I don’t know. I do, but it's just a lot. Thinking about my dad, today is the anniversary of his death.” Ilya let out a sigh, rubbing his eyes trying to stop the tension growing in his forehead.
“I’m sorry that you’re going through that alone. Do you want me to drive home tonight?” Ilya could hear the worry growing in Shane’s voice.
“It’s okay, I’ll be okay. I won’t be okay right away but it will pass. It always does.” Ilya sighed again. “I just wish I could have told him how I really felt. Maybe it’s better since he isn’t here but I am and maybe that means something to the world but he destroyed my mother. He ruined me. I wish he died knowing the truth and not the lie I let him live his life believing.”
“Do you think you truly would feel better with him knowing the truth? Or do you think you would feel just as bad if he knew the truth?”
“I don’t know. I feel either way I would feel terrible. I think about all the times I had gone out of my way to help him, just to have him throw it back into my face. There’s one instance that I think about a lot more than I should.”
“Tell me about it,” Shane’s voice was eager.
“It was right after I had gotten my driver’s license. One of my dad’s friends called me saying that he was really drunk and needed a drive home. I drove to the bar he was at, it was maybe ten minutes from my house, and he was sitting at the bar with the friend who had called me. They were clearly fighting, probably because of the fact that he told my dad I was coming.
“Either way, he left the bar and while me and him were outside he was refusing to get into my car. He ended up getting in his car and speeding off. I chased after him and luckily caught up to him. He was swerving back and forth and not maintaining speed. He never should have gotten in his car. We were lucky that it was late, and other vehicles weren’t on the road.
“He ended up calling me, coming to a full stop in the middle of the road in order to do so, to tell me ‘to turn off my headlights cause my driving lights were too bright’ and to ‘get off his ass’ and after I told him they were my normal lights he told me to leave him the fuck alone and get off the phone to focus on my driving as if I was the problem.
“I had a long day. It was almost eleven-thirty at night and I had been up since six that morning. I had been working to be able to afford hockey since after my mom died he said he wouldn’t continue paying for his son to be mediocre at the sport. I had just gotten home and showered and finished eating dinner when I got the phone call. I was in my pajamas about to go to bed.
“I could have said no, he can figure something else out, but I didn’t. I stopped doing everything to help my dad but he didn’t care. He didn’t want my help at that moment, but I had been so willing and eager to give it to him. For no reason at all other than he was my dad.”
“I’m so sorry Ilya.” Shane’s voice cracking through the phone, ready to cry the tears Ilya had been refusing to let loose all day.
“The rest of that week I spent with Sasha, that coach’s son I told you about, I skipped school and only went to practice. We spent the week using drugs and sex to forget about how hurt I was. We had been using each other. That’s all our relationship ever was. We simply used each other. My dad never reached out, never tried to apologize for how he acted, never tried to do anything to rectify the situation.” Ilya’s own voice started to crack. “I wish you were here.”
“I’ll be there in an hour. I left shortly after you said not to worry about it. I don’t think you should have to be alone during this.” Shane said.
Ilya officially lost itmmmmm. Shane dropped everything for him, without him being asked. The same way he did for his dad all those years ago. “Shane I… I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything moya lyubov. I will always be there for you.”
— — — — —
Shane had a game that had been 3 hours away. Usually he didn’t drive himself and would ride the bus with others but he had an interview for a magazine in the morning and was going to miss the departure. He promised his coach he would still be there on time and well dressed like they were supposed to be but he had a contract that he also had to uphold. Usually any travel time is over three hours, they would get a hotel for the night to leave in the morning since most of the guys on the team were too rowdy to get on the bus right after the game anyways.
He messaged his coach saying his dad needed something and he had to leave right away and he started heading straight towards Ilya. Truthfully, even if Ilya wasn’t going through something Shane was pretty sure he would have made the drive back to Ilya regardless. He hated being away from him.
He knew their relationship was very codependent and that could be very bad for anybody in a relationship, but he had lost something so very important in his life that day Ilya had left and he swore that he would do anything and everything to make sure that it never happened again.
He parked outside of Ilya’s apartment and made his way inside. He took the elevator up to his penthouse floor and knocked on the door. He heard coughing coming from the other side of the door and some shuffling. Ilya opened the door wearing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants. Shane was overdressed in the suit he was required to wear when leaving the rink.
He watched Ilya’s face break out into a grin. “I can’t believe you actually came.”
“Of course I came,” Shane said, wrapping Ilya in a hug, “now let me inside or the weed smell is going to fill the hallway.”
Ilya laughed as he held Shane’s hand guiding him inside of the apartment. Ilya had a few incense sticks burning adding to the smoke in the room. His bong was sitting in the middle of the coffee table. “I’ll grab you some clothes, unless you want to sit down in your monkey suit.”
Shane laughed this time. “I would appreciate some comfy clothes.” He watched as his boyfriend went into his bedroom to grab the clothing. He made his way towards the couch where he was definitely going to steal some of his boyfriend’s weed. He grinned at the idea of it, Ilya pretending to be mad at him just to pack more into the bowl to share with him.
While lost in the fantasy Ilya showed Shane that he had returned by throwing the clothes directly into the back of Shane’s head. “Man, what the fuck?”
Ilya could only respond by letting out a laugh straight from his stomach. Shane was glad that he was feeling better since their earlier phone call. He stripped out of the suit right there in the living room, and changed into Ilya’s clothes. They smelt like him and that made him all the more comfortable.
“Do you want to smoke?” Ilya asked him, grabbing the grinder on the table. “I’ll pack us a bowl if you would like to.”
“You read my mind. The game sucked. No one was doing their best. It’s a miracle that we got the last goal to get the win.” Shane rubbed his face with his hands. Once he was done doing it Ilya was offering him the pipe. He took an inhale while he lit it and let the drug enter his lungs.
“Did you ever imgaine doing something like this with me?” Ilya asked him once he was done coughing.
“Not in a million years. When we met I never thought about kissing you, I never thought about having sex with you, I never thought about living with you, and I definately never thought about smoking with you. I’m glad I’ve done all of this with you. Now that I have I cant imagine doing it without you. Except for maybe smoking. Hayden is a fun time when we’re high, same with J.J.” Shane replied, still choking a bit on the smoke.
“Did you tell them about us?” Ilya asked, leaning against the arm rest of the couch, propping his feet up on the empty cushion.
“Hayden knew before I even had the chance to tell him. He said that I ‘started to glow again’. I did tell J.J. that I was gay, I’m easing him into it. I think he would freak out more than Hayden did.” Shane passed the bong back to Ilya.
“Hayden did freak out. He once threatened to beat my ass if I didn’t break up with you and stop playing with your feelings, he never did once he realized that I truly do care about you. After we broke up he called me and offered to help me fix things with you. I told him that everything that needed to be done on my end had to be done myself.” Ilya began to take a hit.
“Do you think you did it? Everything you need to do?” Shane asked while Ilya exhaled.
“I think I have a good foundation. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you, but you make me want to continue to try. That is something I’ll always be thankful for.” Ilya moved and started rolling a blunt for them to share. Shane watched his careful fingers and mouth skillfully seal the wrap shut. Shane had tried to roll himself a few times but it often resulted in him giving up and putting the flower into a bowl instead. Ilya placed the blunt between his lips and lit it. Once it was slowly burning on its own he laid back on top of Shane and turned a comedy movie on the television. “Thank you for being here.” Ilya said to him, getting himself comfortable.
Shane planted a kiss on top of Ilya’s head. “I love you, I will always be there for you.”
“I love you too."
That sat there like that, passing the blunt back and forth, kissing each other's hands to remind the other that this was truly real and by the time the movie was finished both of them had fallen asleep holding on to each other on the couch.
Ilya felt tears sliding down his cheek after finishing Shane’s letter. He still wanted him. After everything he’s done to Shane, he still wanted him. Ilya wanted him too. He wanted him so badly. He wanted to hold Shane and kiss him everywhere. He wanted to have conversations about nothing and everything all at once.
He thought about calling Shane but he knew Shane was asleep. He could drive back over there. He would get there before Shane was awake. He could wake him up and they could fall back asleep together. In the morning he could help Shane deal with the world's worst hangover since he had so much to drink. He could lay in bed with Shane all day as he slept it off.
Ilya missed the days he and Shane would lounge in bed. They would watch movies together and Shane would trace lazy circles on Ilya’s chest. Sometimes Ilya’s hands would find themselves doing something similar to Shane. Sometimes Shane’s hand would travel significantly lower than Ilya’s chest. Shane would feel Ilya grow hard under the soft touch of his fingers.
Ilya got up off the couch and headed out the door. He was going to Shanes. He was going to go in and wake up Shane and tell him he read his letter and wanted him back. He needs to do it now before he talks himself out of it.
He ran down the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. He sprinted all the way to his car practically jumped into it and sped off buckling himself in as he pulled out of the parking lot. He sped down the road driving twice as fast as the speed limit. Shane wanted him. After everything, Shane wanted him.
What if he takes you back and decides he doesn’t like who you are anymore Ilya? The voice in his head asked. You have been working on yourself but what if he doesn’t like what you have become? You always went looking for the easy way out. You leave the pain you can’t solve with the folks you let down. Everyone moves on, they all just forget, and you tell yourselves lies and disguise them as facts. Think about it, Ilya. Think about every time you failed simply because you’re an asshole. That’s all you are. You’re a fucking asshole.
Ilya felt his foot press a little harder on the gas, as if driving faster would outrun the devil that is sitting on his dashboard, whispering in his ear. It wasn’t wrong. He had been crossing state lines with only his shadow by his side for years. No matter how many times he had tried to run away by changing his zip code, he was always considered an asshole by so many individuals.
He knew he was, sort of. Usually he didn’t instigate it. People just tended to not like him off the bat. They always thought he was arrogant or egotistical. He was confident in what he did well and it just turned people off of him. Women and some men liked him for his looks, but he never would let them stay around long enough to find out who he truly was. He didn’t want people to know who he truly was outside of the club setting. Shane had been the first person he had any desire to actually settle down for. Shane made Ilya want to work on himself. He wanted to be better. He needed to be better.
So Ilya drove. Quickly and carefully out of the city limits. He was getting close to Shanes.Ilya felt his heart begin to race in his chest. He was terrified that there would be a possibility that Shane doesn’t still feel what he felt in the letter. He had to still care about him, right? Out of everyone he could have called to get him Ilya was the first person he called. That means something, right?
He pulled into Shane's driveway. His hands were tight gripping the wheel. He can do this. He will be okay. He will be just fine. Don’t be so sure about that Ilya, the voice in his head told him. You are a selfish asshole who has never tried to put in the work to make yourself better. You’re the same person you were before. Just because you got a dog doesn’t suddenly make you a good person. You’re an asshole after all.
Ilya let out a deep breath. Shane loves him. That’s all that matters. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes from his center console and put one between his lips. He lit it with shaking hands and let the feel of the smoke in his throat bring him back down to reality. He had been getting better at not smoking as much as he used to but sometimes it was just a convenient way to get himself back down to earth. I started smoking cause I missed the smell and taste of them on you. That’s what Shane said. He picked up the habit just to keep a piece of Ilya close to him.
When he was finished he got out of the car and walked up to the front of Shane’s home. He thought about knocking. Should he knock? He was here earlier, Shane allowed him access into his home already. He left though, so does that mean he should knock? With Shane being asleep would he hear Ilya knocking? Should Ilya have just come back in the morning? Or called him?
Ilya tried to get himself to calm down as he raised his hand up to the door. He needed to just do it. He knocked hard against Shane’s door. It was almost four in the morning now, he truly wasn’t convinced that Shane was going to even answer. He stood there waiting, fidgeting with his clothes that he wish he would have changed, his hair that he wished he would have styled better, and with the cross that he never took off.
The door opened. Shane stood in the doorway, his hair every which way, his eyes half closed still mostly asleep. “Ilya? What are you doing here?”
Ilya didn’t say anything. He crossed the threshold and began frantically kissing Shane, making up for all the lost time from the last few months. Shane kissed him back as feverishly as Ilya was, suddenly very awake.
Ilya pushed Shane up against the wall, the pictures on the wall shuddering slightly. Shane’s hands found their way up Ilya’s shirt and Ilya broke the kiss just long enough to pull off his shirt and throw it to the side. Ilya moaned as Shane began to kiss down his neck and across his collar bones. Ilya began to work on the string holding up Shane’s sweatpants. He struggled, unable to get his hands to work the way that he needed to. Shane realized what Ilya was trying to do and helped undo the string. Ilya felt himself grow hard just looking at the loose sweatpants hanging low on Shane’s hips.
Ilya fell to his knees, pulling Shane’s sweatpants down with him. Shane’s cock stood erect in front of Ilya’s face. He couldn’t wait to taste Shane again. He missed him, he missed this. He took Shane into his mouth and ran his tongue flat across the length as he bobbed his head back and forth. Ilya felt Shane’s knees buckle at the sudden sensation of Ilya’s mouth wrapped around his cock.
“Oh my god, Ilya.” Shane wrapped his hand in Ilya’s hair, as he moaned the man’s name, allowing his head to hit the wall. Shane moved his hips along with Ilya’s mouth. “Ilya, I’m going to cum.” Ilya continued at the pace, using his tongue to apply added pressure on Shane’s cock Shane exploded in his mouth and Ilya swallowed it all as if it was a meal.
Shane grabbed Ilya’s face roughly with both hands, practically lifting Ilya off his knees and kissed Ilya with everything he had in him. Ilya felt Shane kissing him with so much passion and lust and need. He was kissing Ilya as if Ilya held the key to eternal life. Ilya picked Shane up under his legs and began to carry him to the bedroom. The whole way Shane was grinding on Ilya the best he could while kissing Ilya everywhere his lips reached.
Once in the bedroom Ilya threw Shane onto the bed. Ilya slid off his own pants and boxers and covered Shane’s body with his own. Ilya began kissing Shane’s jaw and neck, slowing down and taking his time. Shane was arching his back trying to get closer to Ilya almost as if he didn’t then Ilya would disappear.
Shane flipped them around so he was on top. He reached over into his nightstand by his bed and pulled out a bottle of lube. He held it in his hand for a moment, letting it heat up a bit before spreading it along Ilya’s cock. Once Ilya was fully lubed up, Shane began lining himself up to be able to slide down the length of Ilya.
“Fuck Shane,” Ilya moaned the words heavy with longing. Shane leaned down kissing Ilya again, and began moving slowly up and down on Ilya. Ilya was squeezing Shane’s hips hard enough that he was worried that he would potentially leave bruises.
“Ilya…” Shane moaned, Ilya’s name rolling off his tongue. Shane began picking up the pace and Ilya matched the movements of Shane with his hips.
“Shane, I’m so close, don’t stop, please.” Shane’s head rolled back as Ilya placed a hand on Shane’s neck, his other hand still on Shane’s hip fingers still gripping hard. Ilya came inside Shane as Shane came all over Ilya’s stomach. Shane collapsed into Ilya’s chest, winded from the physical activity the two men just engaged in.
“I hope that you're still here in the morning.” Shane said. “I hope this isn’t all just a dream.”
“I’ll be here in the morning. It’s not just a dream. Go back to sleep baby. I love you.” Ilya said, his voice almost catching in his throat. Shane was definitely still drunk.
“I love you too.” Shane made himself comfortable in the crook of Ilya’s arm and kissed Ilya’s chest once he was settled. Ilya leaned over and kissed Shane’s forehead and fixed the comforter over the two of them.
Ilya’s heart felt so full, laying here in Shane’s bed while being used as a pillow. He had missed these moments. The little moments. The type of moment that you take for granted because they’re always so mundane. He missed the kisses goodnight. He missed his arm going numb because Shane would always fall asleep on it. He missed waking up to Shane kissing his face softly. He missed watching Shane work in the kitchen. He missed playing video games together. He missed playing soccer with Shane while Anya would always run between them trying to get the ball. He missed laughing together. He missed the arguments they used to have. He would do anything to keep this from escaping again.
He can’t be without Shane again.
— — — — —
When Shane woke up with his head pounding. The sun was too bright and he wished he had remembered to close the curtains.
He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. There was no sign of Ilya so he assumed that he just had a very vivid dream. He saw a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol sitting on the nearby nightstand. He pulled two of the pills and grabbed the glass as a piece of paper fell off from the bottom of the glass. He quickly took the pills, and drank the entire glass of water. He leaned over the edge of the bed trying to reach the paper. He fell out of the bed trying to grab it. Sitting on the floor he grabbed the paper and read the note.
Shane -
Thank you for calling me last night and not trying to drive home. I know we might not be on the best of terms but if you’re ever in a situation like that please know, you’re always allowed to call me.
Ilya
Ilya was definitely here last night. He must not have stayed if he left a note. Shane deflated a little bit realizing that the majority of what happened after the bar must have been a dream. He wasn’t going to drink like that again for a long while. Especially if he was having very vivid sex dreams about his ex boyfriend.
He got up off the floor and pulled on a pair of sweatpants he found on the floor, not bothering with finding a shirt. He grabbed his glass and made his way to the kitchen for a refill. He smelt cinnamon and fresh coffee. Shane was even more confused. Did he have plans for breakfast or something with his dad?
He entered the kitchen and there he was, a podcast playing on his phone, french toast on plates, powdered sugar and egg splattered on the counter, the coffee pot making the gurgling noises that it makes. Shane almost dropped the glass he was holding. “Ilya?’ His voice cracked saying his name. “You’re really here?”
Ilya’s head shot up, he didn’t hear Shane wander in. “I was making you breakfast.”
Shane ran through the kitchen towards Ilya and wrapped his arms around the shirtless man who had been slaving over breakfast. The man who picked him up from the bar. The man who made sure he got home safely. The man who had left behind so much for him. “I love you so much. Thank you so much for being here.”
Ilya hugged him back. “The only way I’m going to leave again is if you ask me to.”
“I’m never going to ask you to.” Shane said tears falling down his cheeks. Ilya took his hand and had Shane walk around to the island to sit down.
“Are you still eating like garbage?” Ilya asked. Shane nodded. He watched Ilya cut two pieces of the french toast into triangles and Shane watched as Ilya topped it with powdered sugar, whipped cream and a strawberry compote. It looked amazing. Ilya made another identical plate for himself and sat down next to Shane.
Ilya held Shane’s hand while they ate their breakfast. Shane sat there eating, and looking at Ilya who was sitting there next to him. He truly couldn’t believe that he was here. “So, what are we?” Shane interrupted the otherwise silent breakfast.
“What do you want to be?” Ilya asked him back.
“I want to be boyfriends again, but I want to do it differently, I think. I want to maybe take it slow and ease back into it. I don’t want it to be too much too quickly. I want to be able to see you and talk to you again more than anything. I want our lazy days and I want to tell people about us. Not just my dad and Hayden. I want you to be able to tell your teammates, not just Luca. I want to try again. I want to do it right.” Shane said, looking into Ilya’s eyes.
“I think we can do that.” Ilya planted a kiss on Shane’s lips. “I cancelled practice today. Would you like to join me for a lazy day around the house? We can eat popcorn and watch movies, and just be us again.”
“I would love to.” Shane said, smiling at Ilya and giving him another kiss. They worked together to clean up breakfast and migrated to the couch. They couldn’t agree on a movie genre so in the end Shane caved and let Ilya pick the movie. He settled on 47 Meters Down. For the duration of the movie they kept making jokes about the poor special effects and how they would never put themselves in a situation where something like that could happen.
The whole time they laid on the couch, Shane laying comfortably on Ilya’s chest tracing the tattoo of a loon that Ilya had gotten for him after their first summer at the cottage together. He noticed the jagged scar about 2 inches long by the loon tattoo. “How did you get this scar? It hasn’t always been there.”
“The night that we had broken up, before I moved in with Luca, I got drunk. Very drunk. I thought I ruined things forever and I felt like I didn't deserve the memory of you. So after I broke my mirror in my bathroom I picked up the shard of glass and was going to cut it off. I stopped after I realized I would hurt more to have the constant reminder of the best thing that I had lost.” Ilya said. Shane swore he saw tears welling up in Ilya’s eyes.
Shane planted a kiss on it. He understood. It was the same reason he stabbed himself with a cigarette and he now had a round, bumpy, jagged scar on his arm. It didn’t make it okay. He knows that, but he understood the emotion behind why Ilya would do it.
They’re not going to be those people anymore. They’re going to continue to grow up. They’re going to be better, not only for each other but themselves. They were going to make it work. Together.
I am writing this to tell you the things I have to say just in case you’re not home when I go to talk to you.
The biggest thing I need to say is I am so sorry. I cannot express enough how sorry I am. I should never have said those things about your mom, especially since it’s not true. Your mom helped raise you into a fine man. You might be considered an asshole by so many, but off the ice you’re so kind. I’ll never forget in Florida we were walking back to the hotel room together with a group of the guys and you saw an older guy struggling to get his legs to go up the steps to his apartment complex. Without thinking twice, you ran over to him and helped guide him up the stairs so he could get inside. You are a good person Ilya, your mom made sure to raise you that way.
I’m also sorry for how I was. I was so scared. I was afraid that I would lose everything but then I realized you leaving was me losing everything. You wanted to show the world how lucky you were to be with me, and I was afraid of how my team would react if they found out I was gay, and it cost me the greatest thing I had in my life. I called you selfish, you had already given up so much for me. You quit Boston to go to the Centaurs and left your life behind to be two hours away from me, you were willing to never go back to Russia for me, and you were willing to quit hockey altogether. I called you selfish. I’m sorry for that. You were never the selfish one, I was.
I took my internal frustrations out on you. It never should have gotten to that point. I’m so sorry.
I don’t expect you to want to try again with me. I hurt you, I know I did. I would do anything to get you back. I am willing and able to try again if you wanna kick this rock around. I would be willing to do anything just to hold you, to feel you on my lips, to be able to look at you in the golden hour light while you're still asleep anfd snoring softly. Did you know you glow gold in that light? It’s a different glow than the fire light. No matter how late I would be up I would always make sure that I was awake to look at you at least once in the early morning sun.
I want to fight like we used to fight, bony - limbed, red-faced and teary- eyed, under the glow of the TV light, I’d be willing to get that back because that would mean we still had a relationship to fight for.
I want to cook for you again. I want to be leaning over the stove working on something and you come in and wrap your arms around my waist and you would always kiss my neck and run your calloused hands on my chest, eventually you would offer to help and you really would just eat everything while it was still cooking. I miss the time I made apple crisp for us. You took the whipped cream container from me and sprayed some on my nose. It wound up with a whipped cram fight and we were both covered in it. We then took turns licking it off each other.
I wish I could tell people about you.
I wish you could know me.
I wish I could know you so much more sometimes. I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough to understand what it was you were going through.
I wish I could do nothing with you, just sit in the yard while the day dies and leave it all on the table. I’ll say ‘I love you’ until the end of time. I would do anything to just go back to the first time we were at the cottage together. That first two week period that wound up with you spending the entire summer with me. It was the best time of my life. The year after it being able to spend so much time with you was amazing. I want you to have all my time.
I miss how you would hold my face when you kissed me. The way your thumb fit perfectly under my chin forcing me to look up at you just so you could get a proper connection between us. You would always hold my face and place your forehead against mine. You would do that and I would melt every time. My stomach always fluttered when you would do it.
I miss kicking your ass in the Hockey game we would play together. We would always play as each other and with me as your character you still couldn’t beat me. I would do anything to hear you say, ‘You win because I’m better than you at hockey, just not video games.’ Any time after you would say that I would say something back you would always tackle me onto the couch and we would wrestle. I would be willing to do anything to be able to live those experiences again.
I hate what my life has become without you. I’ve been smoking, drinking, eating like garbage, not training like I used to. It made me realize that part of the reason that I had always taken care of myself so much was simply because I wanted a long life with you. I wanted to be around for all of it.
I know I can’t do anything to bring my mom back. Despite everything that has happened between us, I truly do want to do anything and everything in my power to at least get you back. I know how that sounds. I can’t bring my mom back so you’ll do. That’s not how I mean for it to be taken. I don’t want it to be taken that way. The point I'm trying to make is that I would rather have you back in my life than her. I miss her, everyday I miss her, but the way that I miss you makes it hard for me to breathe. It makes it hard to want to live.
I don't want to hurt myself, to feel something, but I have gotten to the point where I would be okay if someone else hurt me. Not necessarily mental pain but physical. I have found myself getting into more physical altercations on the ice just so I can feel something other than the empty feeling in my chest. Sometimes it helps, afterwards though I feel bad because I know why I wanted to do it.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, for how I’m feeling about everything. It’s not your fault. You left because I made you feel like you weren’t good enough for me. I never meant to make you feel that way. I guess I’m just telling you because it’s the only way I know how to explain that I know how you used to feel. Maybe you still feel it. The emptiness. That’s what I’ve been calling it cause that’s how I feel. I feel so empty. I’m looking through my eyes but my hands arent on the wheel anymore.
I wish I could have been different. I wish I was better to you. I wish I was better for you, Ilya. I love you so much that I don’t have words to describe it. I just know that living my life without you, darkness and all, has felt next to impossible.
I want you to know I don’t want anyone else. I know who my soul mate is. I’ll wait for you until you’re ready to try again, if you’ll ever be ready to try again. I guess if you ever want to try again. Hayden told me that you told him that you want me to be happy, to see if there was someone out there better than you. I don’t want someone “better than you” I just want you.
I know I hurt you Ilya. I know I can keep apologizing until we're both buried deep in the ground, and that doesn't change anything, but I will never forgive myself for hurting you, for leaving you. You deserve sunshine.
Shane was unhappy about having to go to the All Stars game. He didn’t want to. He knew he was being childish to an extent with why he didn’t want to but who would want to go be on a team with the person who had rejected him two weeks ago. He’s been slacking during practices, and with his responsibilities to his various sponsors and people who have been trying to interview him.
One of the people who has been calling his agent regularly wanted to do a documentary about his and Ilya’s rivalry and now that it's over how it affected them. How do you explain to someone that although they may have been rivals on the ice off the ice they had been intimate with one another for 10 years and dated seriously for a year before breaking up? He knew he didn’t have to be that specific but he has already been testy with everyone who wasn’t Hayden because they knew something was up but Shane just couldn’t tell them.
Sometimes he wondered what their reactions would be. He was truly afraid of it. He wasn’t hopeful that they would be supported since most of their insults were mildly homophobic at best. He hoped that that wasn’t what they actually believed in. Homophobia is something that always runs rampant on any sports team. He wasn’t certain that his team would be any different.
Shane was leaving the locker room when Ilya was on his way in. He stood there in the doorway for a moment, staring at Ilya still in his street clothes. He felt the tears begin to build up in his eyes and a lump grow in his chest. Without saying anything Ilya just moved past him into the locker room to change.
Shane felt broken. He didn’t actually expect Ilya to say much, especially in the locker room. He was hoping that he would at least say ‘hi’ and engage in small talk in a way that allowed Shane to pretend that everything was okay, at least for a moment. Pretend that their last conversation maybe actually wasn’t their last.
Shane headed towards the rink to meet up with some of the others he was going to be playing with. Hayden was going to be on the team with him as well so at least he didn’t feel completely alone. Everyone else was people who he knew just not well, and right now he truly couldn’t be bothered enough about any of it at all.
One of the people sitting on the bench was someone on the centaurs with Ilya. He couldn’t remember his first name but knew they called him Haysy and that he was the goalie. He didn’t want to do anything. He had given himself a false hope that maybe Ilya would take him back after their last meeting and his hope and heart had been shattered and now he was supposed to play with Ilya and his team and pretend nothing is wrong and go to the after party and pretend nothing is wrong.
There is never any fighting that happens at these things, so feeling something through someone else’s fists is not in the picture for him during the game. Maybe he could start something at one of the bars.
Hayden came up next to him on the ice, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Hey dude, are you going to be okay?”
“Absolutely not.” Shane said. “I ran into him already and he didn’t even say anything. He just brushed past me like I was a ghost or something. He didn’t even say hi or nod or nothing.”
“What an asshole.” Hayden scoffed. “Do you think he read your letter?”
Shane ran his face through his hands. “Honestly I don’t even know. I feel like if he did then he wouldn’t have reacted that way, but I told him to read it when he was ready and I don’t know when ready is. We were in such a strange relationship for so long. I doubt he’s already over it but I know he’s doing better than I am…”
“How do you know that?” Hayden asked him.
“I mean, I guess I don't. I just know how bad I’m doing so I can only imagine…” Shane trailed off.
“Shane, I know how much you love him. I will never shame you for that because I know that no one can truly control who they fall in love with. It’s going to be hard when you lose the person you’re meant to be with. You guys are meant to be together. You’re genuinely perfect for each other. You guys have enough in common with each other while still being different enough that you're able to have fun. You guys both agreed to hook up with each other for almost 10 years in secret just to be able to be with each other. Normal people would have dipped after a few weeks, maybe a few months if they’re stubborn. You guys will get through this too. Now play your heart out dude.” Hayden gave him a reassuring pat on his shoulder.
“Thanks Hayd. Maybe you should be captain, you always give the best pep talks I swear.” Shane smiled a bit. It felt foreign on his face. He doesn’t do it much anymore.
— — — — —
It was time for the speed run competition. Shane and Ilya were next to each other in the roster. They were standing the closest they had been all day. They had been keeping a substantial amount of ice between them but now they were standing close enough that Shane could touch Ilya.
Shane looked at the man who was standing next to him. He was staring out at the ice but his eyes seemed to appear glazed over as if he wasn’t truly here. Shane wanted to say something, to bring Ilya back to reality but he couldn’t think of anything to say. Even lost wherever he is, Ilya was still beautiful. Maybe Shane could make this work. He always feels slightly better when he’s at least able to see Ilya like this, in his natural state, it helped him think that maybe they could be friends at the very least.
“Are you going to say something or just keep staring at me?” Ilya’s Russian accent broke through Shane’s thoughts.
Ilya was looking into Shane’s eyes, peering into his soul. “I, I’m sorry…” Shane quickly glanced away.
“Yeah, I’m sure you are.” Ilya jumped over the barricade and onto the ice for his run.
‘Yeah, I’m sure you are.’ What the hell did that mean? Did he read the letter and hate it? What the fuck? What the actual fuck? Shane stared at Ilya as he sped around the track. He felt the tears well up in his eyes. He couldn’t cry. Not here. Not in front of all these people who didn’t know why he was so affected by what Ilya had said.
Ilya finished his lap and Shane’s turn was supposed to begin. Shane watched Ilya hop back over the barricade, rather than using the door Shane was standing by, Ilya’s face unreadable to him.
He felt the lump grow in his throat. Yeah, I’m sure you are. He clearly no longer cared about Shane. He must have read the letter and decided that he couldn’t be with Shane after everything he had said.
The signal to start went off and Shane took off as fast as he could, trying to outrun the thoughts circling through his head. He was done. Shane didn’t matter to him anymore. Shane is just another person who saw the real him, decided he was too much, and abandoned him. He fucked up. He ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him, and now the man he had it with was officially done with him. ‘You have officially ruined this Hollander’, the voice in his head repeated over and over again.
He rounded the final corner and the tears began to fall. He couldn’t stop them. He let the tears fall in front of everyone, in front of the crowd, his teammates, Ilya, and the cameras. He could not care, he didn’t have it in him anymore. He couldn’t continue living a lie where he continued pretending that he was fine. He wasn’t fine. His mom was gone, Ilya was gone, he was gone. He wasn’t the same person he was a year ago.
After his lap, he fell against the barricade and cried. He cried about everything that he had lost. He had lost so much the last few months. He truly lost everything. He heard someone calling out his name. Moments later Hayden had come to him. He helped Shane up and led him to the locker room where he continued to cry as Hayden rubbed his back.
Eventually he was able to calm down enough to shower and change to his street clothes. Hayden asked if he was going to go to the after party and Shane turned him down. He was too afraid to see anyone after his emotional breakdown on the ice.
He was planning on originally heading straight back to his place. He did not in fact do that. After driving for a couple minutes he decided to pull into a bar. He could drink at his place but it seemed too far away. He needed the feelings that continued to swell up and down in his chest that caused him to continue crying on and off for the last couple hours to even just temporarily vanish.
The bar appeared fairly busy from the outside. He wasn’t sure what type of crowd he was going to find but he was borderline ready to pray that somehow no person in there would recognize who he was. He decided he was going to smoke another cigarette before going in. He hates that he has been smoking so much, he just doesn’t care enough to quit.
Once he was done, he got out of his car and went inside. He was shocked by the rainbow flags that were hung up in different areas of the bar. It made him feel almost relieved but also scared in a different way. He could always tell the truth though, that he was gay and crying over the man he lost. He probably wouldn’t say that, he would just say that he needed a place that had a stiff drink and this was the place he happened to be passing.
He took a seat at the bar, away from the men and women who were already sitting there. He looked at the cocktail menu and didn’t know what sounded good. Usually he stuck to beer, lately he had been drinking a Russian Vodka that Ilya had introduced him to since it was the only thing left of Ilya that he really had, other than a few of the sweaters he had left behind that don’t smell like him anymore.
The very attractive bartender moved his way down the bar towards Shane. “What can I get you, sweetheart?”
“I don’t know…” Shane said, flustered at the pet name he was sure the bartender used for everyone.
“We have this drink, The Antioxidant, it’s fruity, fun and strong, is that something that interests you?” The bartender was leaning against the bar, pointing to where the drink was on the menu.
“Uh, yeah, that sounds great. I’ll have that.” Shane was flushed. He could feel the redness rising in his cheeks.
The bartender gave him a wink and walked away to start making his drink. He hadn’t felt this flustered since he and Ilya had met in the gym after the first draft, and Ilya had caressed his hand handing him the water bottle. It was the first time he had had a gay thought, it was also the first time he had masterbated to the thought of another male touching him.
The bartender came back with Shane’s drink. It was served in an elevated glass and was a bright pink color. It kind of reminded him of a cosmo. He took a drink while the bartender watched him. It tasted wonderful, it was a strawberry citrus taste and you couldn’t taste any of the booze in it. “Wow,” Shane said, “that’s really good.”
“I know sweetheart. My name is Riley, if you need anything else just call me over.” He turned away with a wink. Shane wasn’t sure if it was meant to be flirtatious or not so he tried not to read too far into it.
What if the bartender was flirting with him? Would he welcome it? He supposed he would. It would be a nice distraction from everything. Maybe he would even flirt back. He would flirt back and wait for the bartender to be done with his shift and close up and they would maybe kiss a little while walking back to their cars, maybe he would invite Shane back to his place or maybe Shane would invite Riley back to his home.
He probably wouldn’t do anything like that, maybe he would if he got drunk enough. With how he was already feeling it wasn’t completely out of the cards. He finished his drink and Riley made his way back down to Shane with another one ready for him. They were definitely flirting now.
“So what brought you in today? Doing anything fun?” Riley had his head propped up on his arm looking at Shane through his long lashes. Riley really was attractive. He had wavy brown hair that fell nicely across his forehead, the deepest brown eyes surrounded by long lashes, a sculpted brow and freckles scattered across the bridge of his straight nose. He was also wearing makeup, nothing crazy like some of the other people who were here but just a light spread of blush across his cheeks and brown town eyeshadow and mascara on his eyes. He might have been wearing more but in the low light of the bar it was challenging to tell.
Shane let out a long sigh, trying to figure out how to word why he was here without exposing too much about himself. “I had been seeing someone for a really long time, and we work together, sort of, we were in different branches, but we broke up. I want to say about six months ago. I had said some awful things to him in an argument and he left. A couple weeks ago I showed up at his place and asked him to take me back. I told him that I still love him and that I understand him now and that I want to get a second chance. He turned me down saying he wasn’t good enough, but that’s so far from the truth. He’s actually perfect.
“Today though, he was at a company get together with me. He caught me staring at him while we were waiting our turn for the game we were supposed to play. He called me out for looking at him and I apologized. He said something back that made me realize that he didn’t want anything to do with me… not anymore.
“I ended up crying, in front of the entire staff and their families. I completely broke down and lost it after everything that had happened these past few months. My mom passed away shortly after he left and I know there’s nothing I can do to bring her back, but I was always hoping somehow that I would have been able to convince the man that left to come back and that I am truly so unbelievably sorry for what I had said to him and that I wish there was something to do to bring it back. On my way back home, I just needed something strong, to help get rid of some of the sadness I’ve been feeling. I’ve been doing it more than I like.”
“Sweetheart,” Riley began, sympathetic tears welling up in his eyes, “I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I promise it will get better. I was with someone, we got engaged, he ended up cheating on me a few weeks before our wedding. I caught him in our bed with another man. I cancelled everything I still could with it being such a short notice and packed up everything I couldn’t live without and I moved into a hotel. I stayed there for a few weeks until I was able to make space at a friend’s place and I’ve been there ever since. Sometimes I still think about it. I’ll miss who we were before all of it. We were done though before I knew about it. Last I heard he isn’t even with the person he had cheated on me with so I know it didn’t work out for him either. It will be okay, Shane. I promise.”
“I’m honestly happy to get it all out. One of my friends knows but I don’t know how much he actually understands how much it all has affected me. It’s just another thing for me to realize I did wrong. He tried to tell me, but he just stopped when I didn’t try to understand.” Shane said as Riley reached across the bar and touched his hand.
Shane accepted it and finished another drink. Riley walked away to get Shane his refill and tend the rest of the bar. A group of people walked in part way through Riley’s return to Shane and sat down next to him at all the empty seats. They were already pretty drunk from what Shane could tell. He also didn’t know any of them.
They decided that they wanted to include Shane in their festivities. They were doing shots together and talking and someone ended up ordering pizza for the group of them and offered some to Shane as well, who eagerly agreed since he hadn’t eaten at all that day. Hours passed and he laughed and ate with the group.
He had been feeling a lot better, between laughing with the group that had invited him in, the conversation with Riley and his input. He wasn’t sure how he was going to be tomorrow especially with how bad the world around him was spinning. He needed to get on his phone and get a ride. Hayden might still be in town. If not he could always get a ride share.
He pulled out his phone and called neither of the two options he thought about. Instead he called Ilya Rozanov.
— — — — —
Ilya stepped outside when he saw who was calling him. He almost sent it to voice mail but was sure it might have been an emergency if Shane was calling. “Hello?” He said into the receiver.
“Ilya,” Shane drew out the last vowel of his name. “Are you still in town? I need a ride. I am very drunk and I miss you and didn’t know who else to call.”
Ilya couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. “Yeah, I am still in town. No one else was able to come get you?”
“Honestly, I didn’t ask. I wanted you to be the one who came and got me because even though I know you hate me, I love you. I love you so much.” He heard a lighter flick on the other side. “You got me smoking cigarettes now.”
“Oh yeah, how did I manage that?” Ilya sent Wyatt a text saying that he was going to be leaving.
“I started because I missed the smell of them on you. I know I said I hated it but I didn’t. I actually really like it. Then it turned out that I like the taste of them because even with your bad gum I could always taste it when we would kiss. I miss kissing you.”
Ilya felt himself smile. “I miss kissing you too, Shane. Where are you at?”
“I’m at a bar called Crimson Leaf Pub. Did you know it's a gay bar? I went to a gay bar today. I wish you had been here with me.” Shane said.
“I wish I was there too. Are you safe where you are? Are you going to go back inside?” Ilya asked him, already on his way. “It'll be about 15 minutes.”
“I’ll be okay. Everyone here is super nice.” Shane paused. Ilya assumed it was to take a drag of the cigarette. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course you can.” Ilya said. Lighting a cigarette of his own.
“Would you be willing to smoke with me? I have a whole setup back at my apartment.” He heard Shane giggle. “I feel like I’m such a bad influence on you.”
“Oh, you're a terrible influence on me, Hollander.” Ilya laughed again. His heart panged. He realized how much he had missed talking with Shane. He wished that he would have stayed, that he would have been able to help Shane go through losing his mom. “I’ll be there in just a few minutes.”
“Yay,” Shane basically giggled through the phone. “I’m almost nervous to see you.”
Ilya agreed. “I’m almost nervous to see you too. I’m pulling up now, do you see me?”
“Yes, I see you.” Ilya watched Shane hang up and jog towards Ilya’s car. Ilya watched Shane’s face as it split open to a very drunk, uncontainable grin. He opened Ilya’s car door and jumped inside. “Hi.” He said to Ilya.
Ilya’s face broke out to an equally goofy grin. “Hi. Let’s get you home.”
Ilya began to pull away from the bar. They weren’t very far from Shane’s place. It was by no means he would be able to walk back to get his car but he was at least not going to be getting back home too late.
“Ilya,” Shane began. “I’m sorry. I tried to heal your wounds just to say I helped, when I shouldn’t have. You were never damaged or broken, not the way I convinced myself. I sometimes felt like I was doing it just to help you sleep. I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you Shane. I know it wasn’t easy for you to understand. I know you understand now, I’m sorry for your loss.” Ilya felt like he could cry for Shane, instead he just placed his hand on Shane's thigh, who put his own hand over his.
“At least I have a soul still,” Shane said, “even if I’m in a bad place. I think it’s proving to me that no matter what I’m going through I’m human because even if I’m feeling pain and sorrow, I’m alive because I can feel. Even if I’m eating fast food and sleeping at Hayden’s place often because I'm too afraid to be with myself, I’m alive.”
“You are alive, and you are here. Some days will continue to be easier than others but you’re here.” Ilya squeezed Shane's hand.
“I like your haircut.” Shane said, almost randomly. “I prefer it longer though. I like the scruffy look on you.”
Ilya smiled as they pulled up to Shane’s apartment. “Come on, let’s get you inside.” Ilya walked around the side of the car to open the door for Shane, who practically fell out. Ilya caught him and helped Shane walk to the front door. He took Shane’s keys to open the door for him and led him inside.
Shane’s house wasn’t as bad as Ilya’s when Shane had come by. It wasn’t cleaned the way that it usually was for him. It looked more lived in than anything. He knew how Shane was, this is basically trashed to him. Ilya smirked again, not because he was happy that Shane was struggling but maybe he’s starting to learn that things don’t have to be perfect all the time.
Shane fell onto the couch with his eyes closed. “Come sit by me?” He asked Ilya. Ilya didn’t say anything as he sat on the floor next to Shane and began rubbing his back in soft circles. He knew Shane had an emotionally draining day. He was part of the reason for it.
“Shane, I’m sorry for what I said at the All-Stars game. I didn’t mean it. I know you're sorry for what you have done. I didn’t mean it like that. I just said it to make you want to stay away from me because I don’t think I’m someone worth you draining your life away over. I love you, so much, I have for years. I’m glad you called me.”
“You really did show up like bad news, and for a moment I thought I was living in a bad dream. Especially when I don’t wake up next to you any more.” Shane was starting to sound tired. “I’m glad you came.”
“I love you Shane.” Ilya said after a while of rubbing Shane's back. He didn’t reply and Ilya knew he was asleep. He stood up off the floor and moved Shane to a position that allowed him to pick him up bridal style. He carried him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He laid Shane on the bed and looked at the man who was asleep. His cheeks were rosy from the alcohol he had been drinking, his freckles, that Ilya would be willing to stare at for hours, scattered across the top of the alcoholic blush. His long eyelashes brushed his cheeks when he slept and his lips parted ever so slightly. Beautiful, Ilya thought.
Without thinking more about it, Ilya leaned forward and kissed Shane on the forehead. He also went into the medicine cabinet in the bathroom where Shane kept Tylenol and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water to leave both items on Shane’s night stand. He also got a piece of paper to leave Shane a note.
Shane -
Thank you for calling me last night and not trying to drive home. I know we might not be on the best of terms but if you’re ever in a situation like that please know, you’re always allowed to call me.
Ilya
He put the note underneath the Tylenol, kissed Shane on the forehead one more time and began the long drive home.
Once he arrived back at his own apartment, he had finally moved out of Luca’s a week before the All Stars game because he wasn’t worried about causing himself harm anymore, he sat down the card and held Shane's letter in his hand.
The envelope was heavy and fat. Read this when you’re ready. That’s what Shane had said. He didn’t know at the time what exactly Shane had meant, but he knew now. He was never going to be perfect, he was never going to be good enough for Shane, but Shane wanted him anyways. He was ready to begin to try to get Shane back.
With that Ilya opened Shane’s heavy letter, and began to read.
OP NOTE -
Thank you everyone for your patience while I wrote this part. I suffered with writer's block for where I wanted this chapter to go but I do think that this was the way it should have. I don't know how many of you all write yourselves, but I have a rough outline of how I want this to go especially each chapter but now the further I go I have been changing so much. I like the ending that I have planned but I've changed so much already that maybe the ending will be different too. Either way, unnecessary tangent, thank you again for the patience you all have given me.
THERE IS BRIEF MENTIONS AND ACTS OF SELF HARM. PLEASE USE YOUR DISCRESION WHEN READING THIS CHAPTER. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST.
Chapter 6-
The Great Divide:
Shane decided that he was going to Ilya’s penthouse to talk to him. He had no clue if he was going to be home, or if Ilya was going to want to talk with him. He just knew that it would be easier to have it before the All Star game that was a couple weeks away. His stomach was in knots thinking about the possible outcomes. Would Ilya be home? What if Ilya didn’t want to talk? Shane wrote a letter, saying everything he wanted to say just in case.
He had run through what he wanted to say a thousand times already. ‘Hey Ilya it’s good to see you,’ he would start with, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I am here. Can I come in? I wanted to talk with you about what happened between us. I know it's been about 6 months but a lot of growth and change can happen in that time.” Over and over, he repeated it in his head. He didn’t know what he would do if Ilya broke away from the script. He knew that he would. He knows you can’t control other people's actions and words.
He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, his own voice echoing words he had said to Ilya, if you get lung cancer and die, I’ll never forgive you. He wondered what Ilya would say when he found out. He was going to admit he was a hypocrite for always giving Ilya so much shit. Shane had began to understand why Ilya was willing to give into the addiction. Shane knew he was addicted now. He swore he would quit so many times but he just wasn’t able to stick with it. He had lost so much of what he cared about between Ilya and his mom, he wasn’t concerned about keeping himself healthy in the same way he used to. Plenty of the metros smoked and drank daily and they had always performed well during games and practices.
He wasn’t sure he was changing for the better. He definitely was not as high strung as he used to be. Hayden was right about the weed helping with that. But he wasn’t just using it to relax after a long day. He was smoking whenever he could to distract himself. He didn’t consider himself an addict but he was definitely abusing the drug. He knew when he was ready to quit smoking weed he could stop with little to no issue. Quitting the cigarettes he knew was going to be a larger issue.
He was getting close to Ilya’s place. Maybe he should have called or texted first. Would Ilya have even picked up? Shane supposed that it would have been an easier way to figure out if Ilya was going to be in town or even home. He hadn’t seen him that night since the hotel. He feared he had already moved on from Shane. He wouldn’t blame Ilya if he had found someone better, especially with how Shane treated him towards the end.
He still cannot believe that he had called Ilya selfish. So many sacrifices and all he asked Shane to do was make one and Shane couldn’t handle that. He had been selfish. Ilya had proven that he chose Shane and he knew he would have done it again in a heartbeat. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to say that now though.
The knots in Shane’s stomach worsened and he lit another smoke, finishing it before he got out of his car. He had finally finished driving the two hours to Ottawa and parked in the visitor parking at Ilya’s apartment complex. Ilya had his own home when he had been in Boston but sold all of his cars and house and was planning on buying one for the two of them when the time was right. That time had never come.
He wondered if his mom would be proud of him for showing up at Ilya’s home, trying to start the dialogue. Maybe she would be proud of the plan that he had come up with. He also knew that whatever plan she would have been able to come up with would be so much better than whatever he could come up with on his own. He knew she would be proud of him for at least trying.
Shane knew it was time for him to go in. He knew that if he stood here too long he would talk himself out of what he needed to do. He took a shaky breath and grabbed the letter off his passenger seat. He walked through the front door and into the elevator and entered the code to get access to Ilya’s floor. There was no going back now. He knew that.
The elevator opened up and Shane crossed the threshold, walking right up to Ilya’s door. He raised his shaking hand. Maybe I could turn back. It’s really not too late. He doesn’t know that I’m here. I could just leave. How badly do you want him back, Hollander? He knew the answer to the last question he asked himself. So badly. He would do scarier and far more embarrassing things to make Ilya his. He would be willing to quit hockey to get Ilya back.
He let out another shaky breath. One… two…
“Shane?” He heard a very familiar Russian accent. “Is that you?”
He turned to look at the man who just spoke to him and there he was. Ilya was standing in the hallway wearing a baggy centaur sweatshirt and jeans with an empty duffle bag hanging off his shoulder. His face displayed shock. Shane couldn’t tell if he was going to be happy or sad to find out Shane came here just to talk with him.
Shane opened and closed his mouth trying to figure out how to get his voice to work. “Um, hey Ilya. Yeah it’s me… Um I was wondering if maybe we could talk?” Shane felt his face getting red and thought he was going to puke.
“Yeah we can talk.” Ilya’s gaze softened. “Would you like to go inside?”
“Uh, yes please.” Shane shook his head trying to get it working again. “If that’s okay with you?”
“Of course that’s okay.” Ilya said as Shane took a step back to let Ilya open the door.
Walking inside the apartment was trashed, not just dirty but trashed. There were broken dishes all over the place. The pillows on the couch were thrown around. It almost looked like the place was robbed.
“What the fuck happened here?” Shane asked incredulously. “Ilya, did you get robbed?”
Ilya started frantically cleaning up. “No, no, fuck, I forgot about all of this. It’s been so long since I’ve been here that I forgot I even did this.”
“What do you mean it's been so long you’ve been here? Where have you been?” Shane looked at the man who was running around his apartment trying to put it back together. “Ilya, what has been going on?”
Ilya just sighed. “I have been staying with Luca. He’s been letting me stay there. He knows. Everything. You have your dad and I had no one. I needed to talk to someone about what has been going on and my therapist hasn’t been available. I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but he knows how I’ve been feeling since I left you.”
“Fuck, Ilya, I’m so sorry.” Shane stared. Ilya had the fearful look in his eyes again. He almost wondered if Ilya was afraid of him. Or maybe that Shane would be afraid of him. Seeing the anger that he let out. Or maybe fear that Shane would be judging him for staying at his friend's place.
“I do not want your pity Shane. I am happy there.” Ilya said. “Luca is a good person and has been helping me a lot.”
Shane felt his heart sink a little bit. Ilya was happy without him. “Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe I should leave -”
“No.” Ilya interrupted, while finishing putting the couch back together for the two of them. “We should talk. We’re supposed to be playing on the same team in the All Stars game. This will be good, break the ice now rather than in front of people. Please, sit.”
Shane nodded and sat down. Ilya sat down next to him, their knees brushing against each other. Shane couldn’t help but feel hyper aware of Ilya’s presence in the room. He wanted to kiss him. He needed to touch Ilya in some way to prove to himself that he was real.
It was almost as if Ilya had read his mind. He cupped Shane's cheek and moved his face so they were looking at each other. He took the moment to look over every inch of Ilya’s face. His golden skin, his curly hair that hung low on his forehead and stuck out every which way, the mole that sat in the middle of his cheek, his crooked nose, his soft lips.
Shane blinked and Ilya’s mouth was on his. His strong hands traveled down to Shane’s legs to pull him onto his lap. Shane immediately started kissing him back and straddling him. The kiss was needy. It might as well have been oxygen how badly he needed this with Ilya. For all he knew this was going to be the last time.
Ilya had been kissing him back just as heavily. He was pulling Shane as close to him as he possibly could, as if he didn’t Shane would simply disappear. Shane wrapped his arms around Ilya’s neck pulling him into himself. He never wanted this to end. He wanted to stay here forever and completely forget about the outside world around him. It was just him and Ilya. No one else mattered. Nothing else mattered outside of this embrace.
Ilya pulled away, ending the kiss, his lips swollen and red from the roughness. He stared deep into Shane's eyes. Ilya looked like he might be about to have tears fall down his face. As if he had the same thought Shane did, about this potentially being the last time they touch each other. Ilya looked like he had something to say to Shane but couldn’t. Was he seeing someone? Is that why he was so happy in Florida?
“Ilya, um, I think -” Shane couldn’t form a sentence because his thoughts were too busy racing. What if he was really seeing someone and now he's feeling guilty because he had kissed Shane? He couldn’t be… right?
“Yes, we should talk.” Ilya helped Shane off his lap. “That’s what you’re here for right?”
“Yeah…” Shane chased his thoughts trying to figure out where to even begin. “I guess the easiest part to start is by apologizing. Ilya, I’m so sorry, for everything. For what I said about your mom, for how I treated you when your mental health was bad, I didn’t understand it. Losing mom, it really made me realize how badly I fucked up. I wish I could have seen it sooner. The whole time at the funeral I kept thinking how badly I wanted you there because you were my rock.
“I have finally experienced everything you have gone through, alone. My dad has been struggling with the loss of his wife. He doesn’t know how to talk to me, about emotions at least. I can't say I fully understand what you went through with your dad, but I understand now more than ever what you went through and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t more empathetic for your feelings.”
“Shane, I would never hold any of that against you. I should have been better at talking to you about everything. About explaining it.”
“That’s just it, Ilya. I know now that it’s not something you can explain. I don't know how you would explain feeling numb and empty. The feeling of just ‘cant’. I didn’t understand what you meant when you said you just couldn’t do something. Not from a lack of ability or desire to do something or not but the simple fact that you can't. I called you lazy and selfish and that’s so far from the truth Ilya. I am so sorry.” Shane’s voice cracked. He was going to start crying again.
“Ilya, I think about you all the time, and my deep misunderstanding of your life. I know how bad it must have been for you back then, and how hard it must have been to keep it all inside. I’m so sorry.”
“Shane…” Ilya paused. Tears began flowing down Shane’s cheeks. There was no stopping them now. “I didn’t leave because of anything you said or did. I know the cliche ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ hurts everyone but that’s truly what it is. I am not good enough for you… You deserve someone who isn’t me. I…”
“It’s okay Ilya, you can say it…” Shane was feeling the anxiety pit fill up again. He wanted to leave before Ilya said anything else. This is what he came for right? A chance mostly to apologize in person, maybe begging Ilya to take him back. Now it was looking like he would never get the chance to do it. He was certain that Ilya was about to say he had found someone else.
“Shane, I love you. I don’t think I will ever be capable of loving someone the way that I love you. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your happiness. I’m not sure that it’s me you will find that with. I am broken and you deserve someone who is a whole person. I hope someday you are able to find someone and settle down. I hope you grow to be scared of ordinary shit, like murders and ghosts. I hope you never have to worry about your soul and what happens after death. You deserve better than me.” Ilya began to have his own tears flowing down his face.
“I don’t want better than you Ilya. I want you as you are.” Shane stood up off the couch, completely unable to stop the tears now. “Ilya, I love you too. Please, let’s try again.” Shane got on his knees in front of Ilya and took his hands. “Ilya… I am begging you. I can't live my life without you. Please, Ilya. Ya lyublyu tebya, Ilya.”
“Shane,” Ilya’s voice cracked, “I can’t. I can't risk hurting you again. I’m sorry.”
Shane nodded. He understood. He didn’t want this. He wanted to be back with Ilya and have his relationship back. He can't force Ilya to want it too. He picked up the letter where he dropped it on the couch and handed it to Ilya. “For when you’re ready…” He said, and he walked to the door, taking one last look at Ilya who was staring down at the envelope with his name written on it in Shane's poor penmanship. “Goodbye, Ilya…”
He left and stood into the hallway. He wiped his face quickly trying to regain composure before walking through the complex. He couldn’t focus on anything other than the ache in his heart, and pit in his stomach. He didn’t get him back. The only thing that gave him a glimpse of hope was gone. Ilya wasn’t coming back. What the fuck was he supposed to do now?
He walked as fast as he could out of the apartment complex and once he was in the safety of his car he broke down completely. He screamed and cried until his voice went hoarse and then cried some more. He felt completely shattered. He was broken. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want anyone else. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.
He impulsively lit a cigarette and took a long drag. During his exhale he stared at the glowing red tip. He had a desire to feel something, anything other than the overwhelming sorrow invading his body. Without thinking, he pushed the cigarette onto his forearm. He screamed again and threw the cigarette out the window. Why the fuck did he do that? He didn’t even know.
He looked down at his forearm and laughed. Ilya had a scar, the same place he just gave himself a burn. They have matching scars now, achieved in the same way. A god damn cigarette burn. Two morons who broke skin in the same spot. What the actual fuck was he supposed to do with himself now?
— — — — —
Ilya stared down at the envelope he was holding. He refused to look at Shane because if he did, he knew he would stop him. He wasn’t good enough for Shane, not yet at least. He meant everything he said. ‘You deserve someone so much better than me.’
He wondered about what Shane had said about the letter. Why did he need to wait until he was ready? What could it possibly say? He threw it onto the coffee table. He could at least give Shane one last thing and wait until he was ready. He didn’t know what exactly he was supposed to be ready for. He supposed he would know when that time came. Whenever that may be.
He needed a drink. He knew there wasn’t any left in his apartment. He came back to grab some more of his things. Now it all almost seemed pointless. He went into the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror he had broken the last time he was home. His reflection had stood there laughing at him. He had stared at the tattoo opposite of his grizzly bear tattoo. The loon he had gotten for Shane. His voice said he wasn’t worthy of anything reminding him of Shane and he hit the mirror, shattering it.
The voice however didn’t go away. He continued to stare at his shattered reflection when he picked up the piece of glass. He held it against his skin at the edge of the tattoo. The jagged edge cut him. He had thrown it to the side and grasped the edge of the sink, screaming his sobs down the drain. That was the night he called Luca to see if he could stay with him. He wasn’t sure how far he was capable of taking things. He didn’t want to find out.
He found the broken shard of glass on the floor, the blood had dried to it. He just stood in his bathroom staring at the glass. That night wasn’t the first time he had engaged in an act of self harm. His first time and really only time he had inflicted pain on himself was when he intentionally put a cigarette out on his forearm. It was the one year anniversary of his mom’s death. He was the only one that wanted to do something for her. No one else did, he was so upset that he just did it without thinking. He was thirteen when he did it.
He pulled down the collar of his sweatshirt. He could see the tip of the two inch long white scar running along the edge of his tattoo. He was so drunk he didn’t feel the pain of it until the next morning when he was packing up to go to Luca’s. He was glad that he was unsuccessful in his attempted tattoo removal because now, this might be the only part of Shane he will have left. Especially now that there’s no way Shane would want him back. Shane had gotten on his knees in front of Ilya and begged him for another chance and Ilya said no. He didn’t deserve any reminder of the love he lost. Maybe he did, just as a way to remind himself of the biggest mistake he had ever made.
He looked at the glass scattered across the floor. He should clean it up before he leaves again. He left the bathroom to grab the broom out of the kitchen. He started sweeping everything into a pile to get the place cleaned up. That way at least when he was ready to come back here to be on his own it wasn’t completely trashed. Maybe if Shane came back again, which Ilya doubted, it gave him hope that when he was ready Shane would take him back. That is assuming however Shane doesn't find the person he deserves.
He wants to be the person Shane deserves. He has been making progress. He’s been working on getting himself up and doing things when he can't. He has started taking his medication again which at first truly was terrifying but he has been beginning to trust himself taking them. He makes Luca hold the majority of them and hide them somewhere on him. He only trusts himself having a week's worth at any given time.
He has been seeing his therapist more often, still not regularly since his schedule with hockey makes it challenging. They have tried video calls a few times but when the time zone difference is too much it adds another layer of difficulty. He’s trying though. Not for himself but for Shane. Maybe that’s part of his issue. That he will never actually be good enough for Shane since he didn’t care about himself.
He respected Shane however, for being the one to take the leap of faith. Ilya wanted to when he had seen Shane sunbathing on the beach. Writing the letter he assumed was in the envelope sitting on his coffee table.
Ilya finished cleaning up, he felt a little better for being able to get it done and not turn directly to the bottle. He rewarded himself by cracking the window and lighting up a cigarette. He watched the cherry burn down. He had gotten better with these too, mostly using them as a reward for getting the stuff he was struggling to get done completed. He was getting there, so slowly. Maybe someday he really will be good enough for Shane.
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