moisturize me. @dunhamandthedoctor-blog - Tumblr Blog

Forgive me..

ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, TIME FOR SOME LEARNIN SO SIT OUR BITCH ASS DOWN AND GET OUT OUR NOTEPAD

THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE IS SUGAR SCRUB. YEAH I KNOW YOUVE SEEN IT BEFORE BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND THAT WHEN YOU USE IT WITH ONE OF THESE FUCKERS

YOU WILL GET LEGS AND ARMS AND ANY OTHER SHIT YOU WANT THAT IS SO SOFT YOU WILL BE SHOVING IT IN THE FACE OF EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND ASKING THEM TO COMPARE IT TO THE TENDER PINK FLESH OF A NEWBORN

SO GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKING WHITE SUGAR AND SOME CHEAP ASS OIL LIKE CANOLA OR SOME SHIT AND MIX THAT SHIT WITH TWO PARTS SUGAR AND ONE PART OIL( THAT MEANS TWICE AS MUCH SUGAR AS OIL BITCHES I USUALLY USE ONE CUP OF SUGAR AND DO SOME FUCKING MATH TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH OIL THAT IS) DROP A FEW DROPS OF VANILLA ESSENCE OR MAYBE SOME FUCKING LAVENDER OIL WHATEVER YOU WANNA SMELL LIKE. MIX IT UP REALLY GOOD MMMM SMELLS LIKE CAKE BATTER FUCK YEAH.

NOW GET YOURSELF GOOD AND NAKED. REAL NAKED. PAMPER YOUR GODDESS-LIKE ASS WITH A BUBBLE BATH. TAKE ONE OF THOSE RAZORS YOU GOT AND SHAVE WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO SHAVE LEGS ARMS VAJAYJAY PITS I DONT FUCKING CARE.

NOW GET OUT OF THAT GROSS HAIRY DIRT WATER AND SIT ON THE EDGE OF THAT THERE BATHTUB. TAKE A HANDFUL OF THAT SWEET GOOP AND RUB IT ALL OVER THAT SKIN OF YOURS(just dont use this stuff on or near your lady bits i put this in lower case because it is really important your love cavern does not like sugar uh uh no way its diabetic) RUB RUB RUB KEEP RUBBIN YEAH YOUR HANDS STARTING TO FEEL WEIRD GOOD BECAUSE ITS WORKING

NOW TAKE THAT CHEAP-ASS DISPOSABLE RAZOR YOU HAVE AND SHAVE OFF THAT NASTY-ASS DEAD SKIN EWW ITS SO GROSS NO ITS NOT ITS YOUR OWN SKIN BUT ITS ALL GREY. RINSE OF THAT OILY STUFF BECAUSE YOUR SKIN AINT NO SLIP-N-SLIDE

GOOD NOW FEEL YOUR NEWFOUND SOFT SKIN THAT WAS ONCE BURIED UNDER LAYERS OF DEAD FLAKES OF YOUR PAST SELF YOUR WELCOME MOTHERFUCKERS CLASS DISMISSED

gender-euphowrya

IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS POST FOR AGES thanks for the tip karkat

dwasylyshen

My wife just did this and has been running around the house screaming “IM A FUCKING GODDESS”

indie-idiosyncrasies-deactivate

Its true, I have been.

mashup-central

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So just for laughs, I thought I’d use this voice-mail on my phone, for whenever my friends wanted to contact me they’d hear this random voice-mail when I wasn’t available. That idea suddenly went bad when I realized that the person who has arranged a job interview also rang me once before, meaning they’ve heard this.

nqthqn-blog

ordering pizza

so-super-fucking-fit-blog

this is what i do everytime and then last time i did it i got a call from an old chinese man saying “i’m the only one working is it ok if i come”

he got a $20 tip

danieljlayton-deactivated202002

Bless him.

marlenichen

mrshudsonstolemytardis

Prince Harry and John Barrowman both do a mutual high five/ass slap combo omg

jcalvinist

Can we just appreciate that John smacked Prince Harry’s royal ass so hard that the guy actually had to rub himself a little while John waves his hand

peacelovehappinessandwriting

Can we just appreciate that John smacked Prince Harry’s royal ass

silentauroriamthereal

It’s basically illegal not to reblog this.

mockingjayupdates

haymitchsemptybottle-deactivate

when you get a really good partner for a presentation

pinkrupees-blog

heartsnbruises

BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS BUNNIES IN SWEATERS