Right off the bat, tell yourself this: there is no such thing as a stupid dilemma. Your conflicting feelings are valid even when the obvious answer stares you in the face. For people splitting, those obvious decisions, don’t feel obvious at all. We doubt ourselves all the time, act impulsively, then shame ourselves for not doing the right thing.
Thankfully there is a skill to help your brain knock that shit off.
How dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) pros and cons work:
DBT pros and cons is just like your typical pro and con list, except you add “pros for NOT doing ___” and “cons for NOT doing _____”.
Sounds like a pointless addition, but the “NOT doing” validates your conflicting feelings.
Here’s what I mean:
Leaving an abusive relationship? You obviously should, but you’re tempted to stay. That temptation is valid. Use the “NOT doing” quadrant to find out why.
Thinking about relapsing? Obviously you shouldn’t, but you feel compelled. Use “NOT doing” to find out why.
Pros for quitting my job:
-An opportunity to find a company that suits me
-Never have to see my boss again
-I might be able to work from home
Cons for quitting my job:
-I will feel awkward telling my boss
-I might not even like the next job
-I will feel guilty for leaving my coworkers
Pros for NOT quitting my job:
-I won’t have to tell anyone I am leaving
-I won’t have to do another interview
-I won’t have to spend time appealing to potential employers
Cons for NOT quitting my job:
-I might feel stuck in the same position for another year
-I will not get more money
-I will have to see my boss daily
Identify your number one value.
Ex.
Out of all the things related to work, what do I value most?
-being treated fairly
-payment
-keeping my head down and grabbing my paycheck
Being treated fairly wins.
Now I go back to my pros and cons and see which action best suits my value.
Answer: Quitting the job. Since my top value is being treated fairly, I am willing to endure an awkward talk with my boss and all the other shitty things that come with looking for a new job.
You try it now:
Click here for pros and cons worksheet.
Click here for another pros and cons worksheet (a little more in depth version)
Replace the action/dilemma with whatever you want.
Leaving a relationship.
Moving out.
Relapsing (assuming you aren’t in crisis mode).
Telling your Mom you have BPD.
Going back to school.
Declining a hang out because you’re tired.
Anything. It fucking works.
baratheonpilled
blakekathryn
jacobvanloon
vaporwave
romaincrisis
