Fuck Off, Bruh.

DYLAN WILLIAM. ACTUALLY SUPERMAN. HOLIER THAN THOU. #NUDES. “I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.” It's not unusual for me to come to your house and eat everything in your fridge. Talking to me may become difficult if you're easily offended. I can bounce a basketball off of your face six times before you touch me once, and I'll still be the guy to give you the shirt off my back if you don't have one.

[opa1ite]

Not unless I get a kick-ass ring you’re not. But mother figure to Lafayette I will always be. 

Pepperoni please! And I will certainly bring the beer. I’ll see you in a bit.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Who do you think I am? 

You’ll have the most beautiful ring of them all. Pepperoni it is. I’m ordering it as we speak.

[jamesdominics-blog]

I’ll never say no to that. What’s up with you lately, man?

[dylanspickles-blog]

Well; I’m not sure if you want the entire story or not, but yesterday an elderly lady slapped me with her purse. 

[opa1ite]

I would never in a million years turn down pizza. Also, you have a cat. 

I can bring beer, if that would help ease the situation of the hairy mac and cheese?

[dylanspickles-blog]

I’m going to make you my wife, Layla Fabrayla. Lafayette needs a mother figure. What do you want on your side?

It would definitely help, yes it would. So you can go ahead and do that if you want to.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Does anyone wanna go half on a pizza? I know that I don’t have an amazing track record when it comes to sharing food, but I’ll actually let you have your half. I made a giant pot of Mac and Cheese before my asshole cat climbed into it and took a nap. Now my insides are angry with me and I only have ten dollars. Please help. I’ll kiss you.

[jamesdominics-blog]

Thanks for the offer, Dyl. I’ll keep that in mind the next time I’m home for longer.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Not a problem, brotherman. I’m no barista but I can do super cool things with chocolate and whipped cream.

[opa1ite]

I want her to learn that there is a volume level below 100, and the headache I have tells me that maybe I’m not okay.

There’s not an awful lot to talk about. Thanks though, Dylan.

[dylanspickles-blog]

I’ve been kept awake at night by a couple having a tickle fight across the hall from me at my old apartment and I told them that I was going to break all of their fingers if they didn’t stop fucking up my vibes. Looking back on it now, it was probably a little more direct than they would have liked.

Anyway-- the point is; I understand your struggle. You could always come crash my party if you wanted some peace and quiet. I’m just planning to sit on my bed and eat pizza with my cat until we’re too tired to chew.

[jamesdominics-blog]

I can work wonders with an espresso machine, but put me back at home with my coffee maker and I revert back to a guy who can’t make a fresh pot for shit.

[dylanspickles-blog]

I’ll make you some coffee, James.

[opa1ite]

As if the bitch in the apartment above is playing her awful music at full volume again. I’m all for loud music, but please at least pick something decent for the entire building to hear.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Wow, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?

[riosmythe-blog]

I don’t know, I mean– I could probably go for one of those too.

[dylanspickles-blog]

We’ll take a nap on the beach.

[orionhums-blog]

Well, that’s good to know.

Yeah, pasta, I can do little pizzas… Dylan, it’s nice to meet you!

[dylanspickles-blog]

For sure. As long as you catch me on a good day.

Fuck. Okay. Can we like move in together? Is that taking things too fast? It’s nice to meet you, too! Not only because you cook. You’re also cute.

[orionhums-blog]

Oh, okay. Sorry, I thought I was bothering you.

Italian is one of my favorite things to make. Oh! I forgot to introduce myself; I’m Jourdan, but call me Jo.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Nah, I’m not normally bothered too easily. 

Holy shit, for real? Like, pasta? Yo yo, Jo. I’m Dylan. Call me Dylan. Or whatever. 

[riosmythe-blog]

LET’S HAVE A SIESTA.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Fiesta, Rio. A siesta is a nap.

[orionhums-blog]

Well… what’s your top three? Sorry, I was just trying to make conversation…

[dylanspickles-blog]

Whoa-- I didn’t mean for any sadness to ensue if that’s what’s happening here. I’m just really indecisive. 

Top three, though. Probably Italian, Chinese, and Mexican.

[riosmythe-blog]

Well, I mean, there are girls– I can’t say i’ve been focusing on how attractive they are.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Okay, okay. I’m on my way, and I’m bringing extra crayons because you take all of the pointiest ones. Also juice pouches. Because we’re twelve.

[riosmythe-blog]

Hey, it was an open invite. If you want to come and check out hot blonds, feel free.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Are there actually hot blondes there right now?

[orionhums-blog]

What is your favorite kind of food?

[dylanspickles-blog]

Oh man. You can’t ask me that sort of question. That’s like asking me to pick my favorite brain cell or something.

[riosmythe-blog]

I’m sat on a beach in Mexico throwing suggestive looks at a Floridorian looking surfer and coloring in an adults coloring book. Tell me this isn’t the fuckin’ life, I dare you. Hashtag BYOB.

[dylanspickles-blog]

Without me?

What the crap?