Dyrpyn, the Divine Doofus

(he/they) Just some weird guy who doodles and writes sometimes.

[dyrpyn]

Yeah sorry I can't right now, I need to pace around in a tight circle while listening to music and/or processing my thoughts until I get super sweaty and out of breath for some reason

[dyrpyn]

So I have this compulsion where I obsessively look up and research symptoms of Weird Events my body gives me. You know to make sure I'm not dying. But the problem is that every source then proceeds to tell me "YOU WILL DIE IF THIS ISN'T TREATED". By looking at the sources the fear is refueled. And I have to keep looking until I find the one magical source that reminds me, "Hey, this isn't actually life-threatening. This is just your horrible gremlin body drunk on a cocktail of high anxiety and stress and it's causing things to happen that look like emergencies but aren't. You're fine. It's safe to go to sleep"

But I never find the source. I am the source. And somehow I have to trust myself, with no medical expertise, over dozens of articles telling me I'm in danger. Dozens of articles that do not at all consider the gnarly shit the long-term effects of pure anxiety can mirror

[dyrpyn]

Being hyperaware of your own constant overreactions is like playing a very hellish game called "Is this actually a valid concern or is my brain turning me into a greedy, envious, wrathful beast again." Followed by its thrilling spin-off, "Is this okay to communicate or am I about to unlock the floodgates and seriously hurt someone before I can stop it"

[dyrpyn]

Very specific OCD thing is believing the time 11:11 is "cursed" and anything you think then will count as a wish that is doomed to come true. UNLESS ☝️you never look at the time directly

[dyrpyn]

Sometimes early adulthood is just constantly being stuck in exhaustion and fear but having no safe space to properly unwind so you can't seem to get yourself together enough to want to do the big adult things that will get you a safer space and so you're trapped in some kind of hellish time loop and everyone around you expects you to be fine with this like it's easy to step off of the track they keep perpetuating

If my parents were different people then maybe I'd have already moved out. For some reason pain tends to exclusively come in compounding waves or nothing at all. I try to be grateful because if I can be hurt then it means I'm alive. I sit and listen to them try to redefine what alive means and insist it's not me. Guilt only motivates to destroy, caretaker. It's what rots at the bottom of failure when your words tell it so. Why did I have to be the one to teach myself compassion, patience, hope. That everything about my life is okay. You love an idea of me and the places where I don't match up must look very rotten to you. To me they are covered in flowers. And they take constant upkeep to stay bright but your pressure wilts them

And I'm so tired.

[dyrpyn]

I may not legitimately exercise but I do pace around aggressively and erratically when I listen to my usual, incredibly stimulating music or when I'm thinking really hard about my writing. Which are both states I spend about 70% of my time in. That's something right

[dyrpyn]

I've observed that a mosquito bite is a very Specific type of itch. It feels very distinct from other sources of itch like dry skin or irritation. As soon as you get one you can tell what it is without needing to look

And I think there's a special evil in that. There exists an insect out there who inflicts you with an exact signature discomfort that you couldn't mistake for anything else, all to drain you of your life force to raise its own young. Like that sounds like some kind of cryptid monster but nope, it's just a tiny little guy

[dyrpyn]

Oh how I would KILL for the ability to see a little gauge next to a person that tells me exactly how much they like and appreciate me at any given time

[dyrpyn]

Extremely fucked up that anxiety doesn't just keep its effects in the brain. What do you mean I also gotta have nuclear heartburn without even having eaten anything that would logically cause it. Oh oh, having a nice day? Fuck you, Random Acid Event. Man what the fuck

[dyrpyn]

I've noticed that I tend to form opinions by first considering what I think the majority opinion would be and then latching onto it, which. Isn't great for a multitude of reasons. whoops. hahahahahhahaahaahhahaahahahahhaahahahahahahhaahahhaahahahaaaa

[dyrpyn]

Perfectionism is an ungrateful fan. Why can't you make it faster, where is [specific element you mentioned before], can you also make this, what do you mean that happens don't do that. Nothing but petulant demands. It doesn't appreciate you for what you give. Therefore there is no reason to listen to it

[dyrpyn]

Writing is so fun and freeing when you don't have a gremlin whispering in your ear that it has to be perfect

[dyrpyn]

I feel like there's constant talk about not being able to start tasks, but not enough about not being able to STOP them. I have regular battles where starting a task is the hardest thing conceivable of course, but once I find a rhythm and get really into a task? You're not getting me away from it. You won't see me ever again. The Dyrpyn you knew before is gone. The writing got him. He's forgetting to drink for two hours straight and his bladder is about to explode but no no they can't pause for that. They've gotta stay locked the fuck in

[dyrpyn]

Hey fellas so just a warning for if you ever decide to start using a white noise machine for sleep aid or are currently using one: There's a chance your brain will Make Up Some Bullshit and add sounds to the noise settings that you hear that aren't actually there! You will think you are starting to go insane if you don't know this in advance about it!

I keep mine on green noise and it's been consistent for months, only for it to recently gain a phantom bird digitally chirping? Yeah that sound isn't really happening. Brain just gets confused trying to interpret the noise and whoops, now there's a bird! This could be you

[dyrpyn]

New type of guy who says "I don't know what to say..." but not because they're shocked or stunned or anything but because they literally just never know what the fuck to say. "The skies look nice today huh" "...I don't know what to say </3"

[dyrpyn]

People trying to comfort me or bring me back to reason: "Hey it's okay, writing's just a hobby, it doesn't matter"

Me, whose life plans revolve around nothing but meticulously crafting stories with the passion of a lover, struggling not to go completely berserk at this notion: "Oh yeah sure. For you I guess"

[dyrpyn]

One crucial thing to know about me is that I don't watch ANYTHING. I see the previews for a show and think "Wow that looks fantastic I'd love to see it!" and then proceed to Not. "Hey that show is so great have you seen it" no. But I Yearn,