The Black Book

dz

[howtobemik]

I miss all our little things.

I just want to sit in front of him, with our legs wrapped around each other and just talk about things that matter and things that don’t matter. 

I just want to lay on his chest and cry my face off as he talks to me and comforts me and tells me I’m going to be okay. He reminds me that I am good enough.

I just want to lay down facing him and give him small kisses everywhere and memorize his features and run my hands up and down his spine and the side of his body. 

I just want what happens after that too…. where we have one kiss that has all the love either of us have for each other in it and it’s the most beautiful thing ever. And then each kiss is like taking a breath and the other is like air. And we hold on to each other so closely and tightly that we become one and it’s amazing and it’s love. 

I miss making love to you. I miss being one with you. I miss talking to you. I miss watching shows with you. I miss our askreddit convos. I miss spending time with you and getting to know more and more about you. I miss learning about you everyday. I miss the toothpaste thing… and it’s been all of two weeks away from you and it’s driving me insane, I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself.

I havent even unpacked and I really don’t want to cuz it feels too permanent. 

Fuck my life.

[howtobemik]

It sucks, I’m not there with you for Valentine’s day. But like I said in my instagram post, we don’t need a day like today to show our love for each other. And let’s be real… we’d sit around in our underwear, or non at all, (except for me cuz I got my period- wooptidoo) and eat chocolate and drink wine or dinner and just watch tv or play games or fuck. And when it’s all over… Nothing will have changed. I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve and have never stopped. Through all of it… all the incidents, our first relationship, more incidents, through not talking for about 2 years, all of it, I’ve never stopped loving you, I’ve never stopped believing you were the one for me. I think it means something that we’re at this age now, and we get the chance to be together, and we’re taking it whole heartedly. There’s no one I’d rather be with than you. It’s why we got these tattoos… it’s why we’re trying again… it’s why I’m moving to Barbados. Okay, well, that’s partially my career, but I get to spend the time with you. Happy Valentine’s Day my love, I’m sorry I’m not there to spend it withy ou, but I promise, next year, I will be. 

[howtobemik]

6 short months I’ve spent here with him. It’s all coming to an end soon. In a week I’ll be saying goodbye to him for an unknown amount of time and then I’ll be gone. But these pictures and memories. They’re here. They’re proof. Our love… our constant coming together, it’s all for a reason. We are for a reason. We can’t help but want to be around each other all the time. We’re the other’s best friend.

My love… you’ve helped me overcome so much in this time. You’ve helped me find myself and encourage myself to want the best for me. You’ve boosted my confidence and I am comfortable and happy with who I am. I may slip at some times but you always help me hold my balance. Your patience and support are everything to me. I’m so thankful to have someone like you as my partner. I hope we continue to dream big and anticipate a future together. I want nothing more than to come home- our home- to your embrace. No matter the state I am in, you always make me better. I hope we can better handle this upcoming distance this time around than we did before. We’re older now, and with better communication I’m sure we can work through anything. It’s you and me against the world, right? Yours always.

[dzrelease]

December 26th 2016, 2:32am Princess is sleeping on skype after spending the day here with me. I love spending my time with her and only wish I had more to be honest. I love her for the person she is. Who she is. How she is with my family and how we are together. I hope and think that we continue to affect each other in good ways. Helping each other grow. I know I'm a pain in the ass and I'm glad you stick around through it love. I'm happy to spend every moment I have with you and our relationship really proves that everything happens for a reason because I haven't been this happy in years. No one has ever made me feel this happy. You can calm me with just a whisper and actually make me feel safe and at home. Like, no matter what you would have my back and I hope I do the same for you. I love you princess. In a few days, we get to spend our second Old Years night together and bring in 2017 as a couple. This time, wiser and awaiting everything that will come our way. I love you princess. With all my heart. My Mrs.

[howtobemik]

2016: The Good

So @mygayisshowing started this beautifully amazing thing of having her followers and friends post all the good things about 2016, despite all the terrible things that have happened this year around the world, we all must remember that we are fortunate in our own little lives, in our own little ways. 

These are the things that happened to me in 2016 that made it a pretty awesome year:

- Started off the year in Barbados. I had patched up things with (the previously tagged) L (who is now tagged as King). Things were rocky in their own way but we made it out alive. 

- I turned 20! And got my first tattoo (but I had to fix it later on, but that was pretty awesome for a bit). One of my best friends got one with me and now we both have crescent moons to mark our friendship.

- I started designing tattoos and even sold one! 

- Things with L escalated and he became King. 

-I got into an internship programme with Sandals Barbados. (it’s for 6 months and boy have they passed quickly!)

-This internship here allows me to spend more time with King. I haven’t been this happy and content with my life in a loooong time.

-I graduated!!!! And now I have an Associates Degree in Culinary Management!!!!

-I got to see what my tattoo designs look like as an actual tattoo because King got one done. (it looks amazing!!!) We also got Mr and Mrs tattoos, and I got three elephants done for my little family.

-I’m hearing very good things about my work ethic from the chefs around me and so I might be returning to Barbados for a full time job here at Sandals! 

I’m super excited for 2017 things, but for now, I’m taking things one step at a time. Things have never been better and I only hope things look up further from here.

[howtobemik]

His arm is upside down, but Saturday we both went to get some tattoos done. We got Mr and Mrs in Braille. At first we wanted to do best friend tattoos because that’s what we are and always will be. But our relationship has been altered so much that we’re just gonna accept that we’re life partners one way or the other. I’ll always have him in my heart. I’ll always love him. He’s my first love. I’m glad it’s him. I get so overwhelmed sometimes I feel like crying with joy. I’m in love with my best friend. We can spend the rest of our lives together.

[howtobemik]

Happy birthday to this adorable nugget. I’m considering whether I should do a mushy post or not. But you know all that you mean to me and how much I appreciate you because I babbled it out to you on the way back from the gap that time. You’ve truly been my longest best friend through all the things we’ve been through… the constant coming together and falling apart. But through all of that I love you immensely for who you are to me. You’ve grown so much and even matured in some ways. 😜We still often laugh and play fight like when we were kids, and have long lengthy discussions about the universe at 2 pm on the beach. I love us and I love our relationship. You’re the other half of it and hope I make you as happy as you make me. We get along in our own way and… I’m glad it’s you. You deserve every happiness my love. Here’s to 6 months of us and 21 years of you. (Except that time at birth when you died. Thanks for raising from the dead though.)

[howtobemik]

He’s my best friend, my love, my King. He makes me happy and he keeps me sane even when driving me insane. He keeps my head level when I need it most and he’s my voice of reason (except when it comes to spending money and I want things to eat lol). He knows what to say when my anxiety acts up and he knows how to support me when I need to have a breakdown. He holds me close and he lets me cry. He’s my best friend cuz we’re so comfortable around each other that I can eat like a pig in front of him and he doesn’t care cuz he’s doing the same with me. He’s my best friend cuz we have comfortable silences for hours. He’s my best friend cuz we can have a good time doing nothing. He’s my best friend cuz he understands me and what I need even when I don’t understand myself. I love him for who he is and all the crazy things he does. Every random lick and every smack on my ass… every quirky, weird thing we do. Every affectionate moment. Every emotional moment we have. They all mean so much to me. I hope I can be better for you and for us to prosper and to grow together and for us to be better together. I’m in love with you and I love us so much.

[howtobemik]

My love has been going through such a tough time this past week or so. He spent time with me this weekend and I really wanted to make him feel safe and happy even for a little while. There’s nothing really to figure out about the situation, it’s more about just being patient. So we’re trying to be. I’m trying to be the best support I can for him and I’m surprised at how strong I am when it comes to keeping him safe. Yes I get vulnerable and there are times where he comforts me. But I am strong and believe in him and believe he’s going to get through this rough patch. There are people that should act as his support system but they really don’t and I know he may think he can handle most things on his own, but he needs me more than ever. We’ve gone through so much together and apart… And we’re going through this together too. I’m with him 150%. I’d really give anything for him to be happy and safe.

[dzrelease]

I love this. Everything this picture shows and doesn't. We have friends outside that came over to play some games and it really comes down to we "have to put clothes on" after laying on the bed nude, watching shows and cuddling up to each other. So as I'm still thinking about how much I hate dressing myself again I grab my phone and call her and tell her to pose for me. I love this young woman so much. She has been there for me through so much and I don't know if there's anything I wouldn't do for her. She is the love of my life. The reason I wake up happy and look forward to the day. I can only hope that day after day of being with her, I can still make her smile like she is in this picture. With whatever goofy things I do or say to get her laughing. I love you my princess.

[howtobemik]

“You are the night, the stars, all the planets in the galaxy The sun, the moon You are my universe”

I did some henna doodles on him a few months back cuz I need him to understand what he means to me. This is how I’d describe him. This is what he is to me. He fell asleep that night while I was doing henna. But when he woke up briefly, he told me this plan and how he wanted to move with me. And here we are five months later living on the same island. It’s not for long. I’m moving back soon, but I want to move again. I want to move with him too. I don’t really care where I live next. I’m flexible. I’ll apply for a CARICOM certificate so I can work in the Caribbean and we can move around together. nights without him are so hard.

[howtobemik]

I haven’t told him this, but I’m sure he knows… I’ve gotten so used to sleeping with him. Falling asleep with small kisses on my lips and face. Falling asleep entangled together. Falling asleep with myself draped over him and being his jet pack. He feels so small like that when I cuddle him in and all I want is for him to feel safe. I want to be his safety. It’s one of my favorite ways to sleep now because I feel all of him. I’m pressed up against his back like this and I run my hands over him and sometimes I run my hands through his hair. I commit the way he feels to memory like this. When he isn’t here I gravitate to that side of the bed and when I roll over, expecting to wrap my arms around him, it’s empty. And I feel empty. I don’t think about him not being here because I feel like screaming. I feel a piece of myself missing and i almost feel like i cant function. Sometimes my anxiety runs so high that I feel the only thing to make it better is him. It’s been a couple days apart. I can’t imagine what a couple months is going to do to us. All I can say is that I’ll try my best. He is so worth it. And we are so worth it.

[dzrelease]

Recently this little nugget had a lot of work cut out for her with her internship program report due and I am so proud to say that she no longer has to worry about it! She worked long and hard on it to get it done, waking up early and going to bed late busting her own butt to get it done and I really can't say enough how proud I am of her for always being able to always keep a level head when it came down to it. I know how stressful and draining it was but you got it done baby. You did really great work and I'm sure you'll score great. Pictured: Princess got cupcakes and cookies from work and was happily rewarded with them as she stayed focused and finished work. You know I'll be here to help you with anything that'll pop up and try my very best to help keep you on target with what you need to get done and help you in whatever way you need. I love you very much and I am so lucky to be able to call you my girlfriend. These past few months have been great and I can't wait to see what's going to come next. There are a lot of things that are going to be happening so hopefully it all works out for the best! Right now you're sleeping on Skype as I lay here and type this out for you to read tomorrow morning, I know how you love to read these messages and posts in the morning. So, when you do read it, good morning my love. I hope you slept well. Thank you for being all that you are for me. You mean the world to me Princess. I love you. ~ 3:52AM November 3rd 2016

[dzrelease]

We've come a long way since the last time we've had pictures taken at a party like this. 4 years ago I remember awkwardly standing in front of the cameraman ready to take a snap a picture for us. How much I've changed since then, how much you have changed since then. It's amazing. Now we understand each other more than ever, we spend so much time together and never get tired of each other, even when we do have times where we annoy each other until we're ready to bite each other. I love us. I love who we are together. I love how we are with each others families. I love going out with you, and as I go to get drinks for us, and I'm walking back to you and I slow down just a little because, damn. You light up a room baby. I'm the lucky man who gets to walk up to you, set down the drinks, wrap my arms around you and kiss your neck. I'm the lucky one who gets to spend day after day with you, I get to say that, yes, you are my girlfriend. I get to fall asleep next to you and wake up in the morning curled up with you. I get to shower together with you and plan our days together. I love us. This is the happiest I've been in a very, very long time.

[howtobemik]

I haven’t told him this, but I’m sure he knows… I’ve gotten so used to sleeping with him. Falling asleep with small kisses on my lips and face. Falling asleep entangled together. Falling asleep with myself draped over him and being his jet pack. He feels so small like that when I cuddle him in and all I want is for him to feel safe. I want to be his safety. It’s one of my favorite ways to sleep now because I feel all of him. I’m pressed up against his back like this and I run my hands over him and sometimes I run my hands through his hair. I commit the way he feels to memory like this. When he isn’t here I gravitate to that side of the bed and when I roll over, expecting to wrap my arms around him, it’s empty. And I feel empty. I don’t think about him not being here because I feel like screaming. I feel a piece of myself missing and i almost feel like i cant function. Sometimes my anxiety runs so high that I feel the only thing to make it better is him. It’s been a couple days apart. I can’t imagine what a couple months is going to do to us. All I can say is that I’ll try my best. He is so worth it. And we are so worth it.

[dzrelease]

"He is the feeling I get when I have fresh French toast in the middle of the night. He is the calm happiness I feel when laying down after a long day and I don't have anything to worry about. He is rough sex in the morning and tender touches at night. He is the beautiful chill of a rainy day and the warmth of a blanket on fresh sheets. He is warmth, calm, a paradox of chaos and order, and an essential part of my life."

[howtobemik]

You are the light at the end of the tunnel. You are the sunrise, and the sunset all in one. You are the beginning of a kiss, and the end of it.

I asked him to describe me and this is what he said. (via howtobemik)