The Abyss

19m ✸ gay backup for @abyssa111

[e1evator]

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡⋆ ﾟ☀︎ ⋆｡ ﾟ daily thoughts ｡⋆｡ﾟ

✮ date : Tuesday, 17 October 2023

✮ mood : kinda stressed ?

✮ tdlr ; meeting with English professor and he is going to kill me on the spot maybe?

Good morning, everyone! Please wish me luck! Today, I have a meeting with my English professor who’s class I am currently a week behind on an essay for. I am so scared he will ask me about it. I do not know what I’ll say, either. “I’m trying my hardest,” doesn’t sound honest enough to even fool myself into believing. Am I really trying my hardest? Why isn’t it done then? You had plenty of time. If this is how I view myself, then how will a doctoral student view me? I’m so scared to find out.

Anyways, I’m trying not to make today bad. I dressed nice and professional for our meeting which ni know may sound strange but I think he will appreciate it. Additionally, I hope we can discuss ways I can make up some of the points I’m missing and hopefully, today, I will have my essay turned in with only 14 points deducted.

I do not know what’s going on with me, lately. I’m so so dissociated from everything going on I feel 2 things at once. I wanna put my mood as “happy but anxious” or “excited and exhausted” I’m so confused on how I feel. Which emotion do I actually feel and how deep is it? Lately I’ve been putting the negative emotion over the positive emotion, ie. I’m excited for my day and talking to my professor 1v1, however, I’m very tense and anxious about it and even, paranoid. So, my mood is tense. Is this just my borderline diagnosis doing it’s thang? Yeah, probably.

I don’t know, for some reason, I’m gonna remain hopeful as always. I’ll get better, things will get easier. And, I have people who care about me.

✮ morning rating: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

[e1evator]

at the the catholic church near my school

[e1evator]

My heart beating so fast it’s painful? I’m probably okie :) I finally decided to see a cardiologist again! Hopefully it’s all okie but I told my specialist i experience daily episodes of almost fainting she gasped and was like “oh lord” so o.O my hearts fine guys dw fine fine fine I totally know what’s going on with it.. it’s just pots… I thinks?

[e1evator]

Everyday I am so anxious I could throw up

[e1evator]

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡⋆ ﾟ☀︎ ⋆｡ ﾟ daily thoughts ｡⋆｡ﾟ

✮ date : Monday, 15 October 2023

✮ mood : ignoring it

✮ tl;dr : world against me but I’m against it so we’re mutuals

Hello everyone! I hope everyone is doing lovely today! I’m doing alright, just finished 2/3 classes I have today so yippee! I am more than almost done! My final class is a scavenger hunt so I don’t even know much of class that is even going to be? Either way, after that class I have to stay till 9PM because that’s when my bf (and driver) gets out of his last class. I will use the time to hopefully catch up on all the stuff I am behind on but who knows how much adhd will operate.

Off topic, my pain is bad again today and it’s really my low back, which isn’t a typical area of focus for my back pain. So, I think I’m either have pre-menstrual cramps or a kidney infection? It’s been more than a week without any other symptoms but low back pain so maybe my birth control is just giving me a false period or somethin. I’ll worry when it feels deadly.

Regardless of my negligence, I’m just very overwhelmed lately. My pain is super bad, my classes are overwhelming me, my dads memorial was last week, and halloween and my birthday are just around the corner. Is there any time for me to freeze, recuperate, or recover? Not really, but maybe that’s what’s expected of me? I keep telling myself I’ll pull through and I’m sure I will. I just wish I had some help or some way to make it all easier.

On top of all of this, they banned vuse menthol?!! Like, girl wtf :/ the FDA is just another agency rooting for my downfall. I hope the company wins their case against the FDA because while I believe food must be able to be FDA approved for the safety of the American people, I also believe we should have the choice to choose whether we give a shit or not about something being FDA approved. Additionally, they claim that menthol is a flavor that children prefer, and plan to make all menthol cigarette and vape products illegal, mainly focusing on Newports. 1.) literally insane the FDA is blatantly focusing on the lower income nicotine products like Vuse and Newport. 2.) vuse said that the FDA is going against their mission of reducing the amount of nicotine used and I have to say I full heartedly agree. Banning menthol will make already addicted children switch to cigarettes. Most if not all teens and adults I have met, prefer an actual cigarette to any tobacco flavored pod. You’re literally getting the rid of vapings original purpose of reducing smoking because no body wants that nasty ass flavor.

Okay, I’m done going off!! Hopefully, I’ll post an entry tonight but if not I’m just busy with school work and that’s good too!

✮ morning rating: ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

[e1evator]

5 hour energy but it enduces eepy

[e1evator]

⋆｡° 𖦹 ⋆ ˚ ☾⋆｡°✩ nightly thoughts ⋆｡°

✮ date : Friday, 13 October 2023

✮ mood : crossfaded gay cowboy

✮ tdlr ; Friday the 13th moments

It’s Friday the 13th!! I started my day to the sound of shattering glass; my boyfriend had knocked the weed jar off the side table in his sleep. Genuinely shattered to pieces!! It’s actually not that big of a deal that the jar broke because we keep it in a bag then the but the bag in the jar, so it’s just lost a clear jar, that’s all. I just think it’s kinda spooky or, if y mom our will, unlucky how we woke up lol

Following this, we instantly realized we were late as fuck to my doctor’s appointment that was more than an hour away from my house. But, we made it somehow; and, now I have a week to get a lab done and it must be done at 8am. Craaaaazy.

Despite my day being pretty stressful, I’m at a Halloween party right now! I’m a cowboy twink :) a cross faded cowboy twink. I don’t know anyone but like 4 people here, but oh well, it’s fun. I can’t help but feel like people are judging me; but, that’s usually how I feel, for some reason.

Also, I forgot to do like 3 entries but the point of doing these is to gain the habit of daily writing and reflection, so I’m not gonna stress about it. I’m not supposed to do it perfectly, yet. I hope one day I can manage to do it consistently but until then I will do my best <3

✮ night rating: ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

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the peeing is immaculate here

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There’s something so different about unfollowing someone on YouTube than anywhere else . If i unfollow a YouTuber, they must’ve done something BAAAD!! Because even when I haven’t watched a YouTuber in YEARS, I just can’t unfollow them and can’t stop thinkin “what if they post something I like again”

[e1evator]

⋆｡° 𖦹 ⋆ ˚ ☾⋆｡°✩ nightly thoughts ⋆｡°

✮ date : Wednesday, 11 October 2023

✮ mood : unhappy!! unhappy! yippee!!

✮ tldr ; and I cannot stress this enough, i am not doing well.

Hii, I’m currently very tempted to stage a reason to go to the ER… I am not doing well and my future is not looking bright <3 Maybe, all I need is a break from the real world? However, I don’t want to be admitted into a psychiatric ward and I know that’s my actual problem.

I have 2 essays that were due last night and submitted neither. Currently, it is still this way, despite that I could have worked on it at any point today. The amount of shame I feel cannot be put into words. I worked all night on them last night but I was not successful at completing them. I completely feel incapable of success in every aspect; why can’t I make it like my peers seem to? Now, it’s night again and I have 2 hours to complete the essays before I have any more points deducted. I am simply unhopeful.

My ADHD paralysis is taking a toll on my performance and all I can do is get more anxious and more paralyzed about the situation. I don’t even hate writing essays and have done some on time. But when I get more than one and they overlap in some way, I can’t decide which one is more important and often choose the one I’m more interested in, instead of the one that is more important towards my grade. After I pass the due date, my motivation plummets even farther because every time I think about it I get such a deep dread and anxiety, completely overwhelmed by shame.

I want to cry out for the accommodations but there’s nothing for ADHD people anymore. Every accommodation has a star and says “*adhd is not a valid diagnosis for this accommodation” and it’s literally things like due date extensions, limited distraction testing, and note taking assistance. Not only am I adhd, but I’m additionally disabled in several other mental and physical ways. But, I have a shiny god star declaring me adhd, so that’s where my accommodations end. I could not possibly need accommodations for my chronic pain and ptsd, it simply must be that classic lazy ol’ adhd trying to procrastinate and sneak it’s way out of another one.

At first, I was hopeful and just found the school ableist; however, I’m starting to think about why there’s no accommodations for me and what if I’m the problem? I shouldn’t need accommodations, I should be up to par like they expect but I’m just not.

My biggest fear is college isn’t for me. Like, what if I’m not succeeding here because I’m not supposed to succeed here. It was never for me to succeed at. What then? What career would I even care about like I do for the pursuit of higher knowledge? I want to be a researcher so bad; Someone always learning. It’s just seeming not to actually be possible; not because I do not wish to continue, but it seems that society does not want me to continue and who am I to say they are wrong?

Anyways, I have 2 hours to complete at least one of these essays before more points are deducted. Love u all, mwah!

✮ night rating: ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

[e1evator]

what if they replaced psychiatrists with algorithm

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insta thinks I’m bipolar for some reason??

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asked my teeth what’s wrong and they just looked at me like this

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I made a daily entry but then tumblr didn’t save it so it is what it is

[e1evator]

Skipping last night and this morning cuz I feel like shit

[e1evator]

scalloped tongue is a funny name for a not so funny problem :(

[e1evator]

wtf even is plaque? I have never even heard of something that sounds so made up. Like a motherfucker said, “uhhhhh germs but for teeth…” and then they talk about it like it’s something that lives under our bed and infects our mouth when we r bad.