he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@eapoeism-archieved
[She] and I felt something for each other from the beginning. It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights traveling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go.
Haruki Murakami, from The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Vintage, 1998)
Florence and the Machine covered a song “Stand by Me” by Ben E. King for Final Fantasy XV.
lurks.
no one -- no one in the group could understand marion muller; twilight as he always introduced himself to the endless and endless audience of the show. but they do understand few things, picking it up from conversation done between the lines and dull rides of trains from one city to another.
marion muller wanted to live in a complete isolation; from whatever it was he is running away from --if he ever ran away from anything.
“i think i’m most likely content to be alone,” said marion, eyes still not peering away from the window. gazing upon the scenery of anything but his curious peers, not wanting to looking upon their eyes and spilling things from his own eyes.
with that simple answer, they were able to pick on the previous conclusion without making much of a scene. they are family and they decided to be adults as well for not digging to deep of each other wounds.
if society was a fleet of ships, then be it men, women, or anything that they are. from an office worker, to someone like them, everyone has some kind of destination and purposes they wanting their lives to be but he couldn’t ride on any of those ships that had so many people riding together with different values and purposes. he told them that he didn’t think he will ever be able to ride on any of them and told them that on their visit on belarus someone told him that “even if you try to be a loner, you will regret it in ten or even sooner years down the road, so find something or someone you want to be and be with.” he told them he could only laugh about it and answered with nothing but a laughter.
as if everything is a joke to him.
they couldn’t help but to asked why? why are you laughing? why would he laugh about it? what was so funny that he burst into a fit of laughter that right now he burst into one?
they knew they shouldn’t dig too deep of marion but curious and curiouser --what’s on the mind of the magician that is loved by the people? one who bring laughter and joy and colour to the show?
he told them, in the between of his laughter that died down soon after:
“even if i try to explain what it is, it doesn’t get through, and i don’t have a duty to explain it, either. besides, i feel like i just simply don’t need to go through that sort of emotional labor.”
“to be honest, i still don’t know where i’m going to end up.”
the conversation died down right after when the wind hit him by his hair and the blue skies up above make his eyes blue eyes bluer than it already is. it was so blue as if his eyes and his heart are drowning down the sea, drowning in something people couldn’t see.
One of my absolute favorite exchanges in the entirety of The Secret History
Negative Character Trait List: MARION MULLER.
Below is a list of 109 negative traits to describe your character.
Aggressive - pursuing one’s aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so.
Aloof - not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.
Arrogant - having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities.
Belligerent - hostile and aggressive.
Big-headed - conceited or arrogant.
Bitchy - malicious or unpleasant.
Blunt – Direct, often perceived as rude and/or insensitive to other people’s feelings.
Boastful - showing excessive pride and self-satisfaction in one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities.
Bone-idle - lazy.
Boring - not interesting; tedious.
Bossy - fond of giving people orders; domineering.
Callous - showing or having an insensitive and cruel disregard for others.
Cantankerous - bad-tempered, argumentative, and uncooperative.
Careless - not giving sufficient attention or thought to avoiding harm or errors.
Changeable - irregular; inconstant.
Clinging - overly dependent on someone emotionally.
Cold – Lacking in empathy or compassion.
Compulsive - resulting from or relating to an irresistible urge, especially one that is against one’s conscious wishes.
Conservative - a person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes, typically in relation to politics.
Cowardly - lacking courage.
Crass - lacking sensitivity, refinement, or intelligence.
Cruel - willfully causing pain or suffering to others, or feeling no concern about it.
Cunning - having or showing skill in achieving one’s ends by deceit or evasion.
Cynical - believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
Deceitful - guilty of or involving deceit; deceiving or misleading others.
Detached - separate or disconnected.
Dishonest - behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy or fraudulent way.
Dogmatic - inclined to lay down principles as incontrovertibly true.
Domineering - assert one’s will over another in an arrogant way.
Fastidious - very attentive to and concerned about accuracy and detail.
Finicky - fussy about one’s needs or requirements.
Foolish - lacking good sense or judgement; unwise.
Foolhardy - recklessly bold or rash.
Fussy - fastidious about one’s needs or requirements; hard to please.
Greedy - having or showing an intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth or power.
Grumpy - bad-tempered and irritable.
Gullible - easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.
Haughty – obnoxious, to believe they are better than others.
Harsh - cruel or severe.
Impatient - having or showing a tendency to be quickly irritated or provoked.
Impolite - not having or showing good manners; rude.
Impulsive - acting or done without forethought.
Inconsiderate - thoughtlessly causing hurt or inconvenience to others.
Inconsistent - not compatible or in keeping with.
Indecisive - not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively.
Indiscreet - having, showing, or proceeding from too great a readiness to reveal things that should remain secret or private.
Inflexible - unwilling to change or compromise.
Interfering - tending to interfere in other people’s affairs.
Intolerant - not tolerant of views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one’s own.
Irresponsible - not showing a proper sense of responsibility.
Jealous - feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.
Lazy - unwilling to work or use energy.
Machiavellian - cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous, especially in politics.
Materialistic - excessively concerned with material possessions; money-oriented.
Mean - one who makes no effort to understand or empathize with others.
Miserly - of or characteristic of a miser.
Moody - given to unpredictable changes of mood, especially sudden bouts of gloominess or sullenness.
Narrow-minded - not willing to listen to or tolerate other people’s views; prejudiced.
Nasty - behaving in an unpleasant or spiteful way.
Naughty - disobedient; badly behaved.
Nervous - easily agitated or alarmed; tending to be anxious; highly strung.
Obsessive - a person who is affected by an obsession.
Obstinate - stubbornly refusing to change one’s opinion or chosen course of action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so.
Overcritical (of oneself) - inclined to find fault too readily.
Overemotional - having feelings that are too easily excited and displayed.
Overly sensitive – easily hurt, prone to overthinking stimuli be it emotional or physical.
Parsimonious - unwilling to spend money or use resources; stingy or frugal.
Patronizing - apparently kind or helpful but betraying a feeling of superiority; condescending.
Perfectionist - refusal to accept anything short of perfection, fastidious, overly critical.
Perverse - showing a deliberate and obstinate desire to behave in a way that is unreasonable or unacceptable, often in spite of the consequences.
Pessimistic - tending to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen.
Pompous - affectedly and irritatingly grand, solemn, or self-important.
Possessive - demanding someone’s total attention and love.
Pusillanimous - showing a lack of courage or determination; timid.
Quarrelsome - given to or characterized by quarreling.
Quick-tempered - easily made angry.
Resentful - feeling or expressing bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly.
Reserved – restrained, reluctant to reveal emotions or opinions
Rude - offensively impolite or ill-mannered.
Ruthless - having or showing no pity or compassion for others.
Sarcastic - marked by or given to using irony in order to mock or convey contempt.
Secretive - inclined to conceal feelings and intentions or not to disclose information.
Selfish - lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
Self-centered - preoccupied with oneself and one’s affairs.
Self-indulgent - characterized by doing or tending to do exactly what one wants, especially when this involves pleasure or idleness.
Shy – Self conscious, nervous, timid or insecure.
Silly - having or showing a lack of common sense or judgement; absurd and foolish.
Sly - having or showing a cunning and deceitful nature.
Sneaky - furtive; sly.
Stingy - unwilling to give or spend; ungenerous.
Stubborn - having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so.
Stupid - having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense.
Superficial - not having or showing any depth of character or understanding.
Tacky - showing poor taste and quality.
Tactless - having or showing a lack of adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.
Timid - showing a lack of courage or confidence
Touchy - oversensitive and irritable.
Thoughtless - not showing consideration for the needs of other people.
Truculent - eager or quick to argue or fight; aggressively defiant.
Unkind - inconsiderate and harsh to others.
Unpredictable - behaving in a way that is not easily predicted.
Unreliable - not able to be relied upon.
Untidy - not inclined to keep one’s possessions or appearance neat and in order.
Untrustworthy - not able to be relied on as honest or truthful.
Vague - thinking or communicating in an unfocused or imprecise way.
Vain - having or showing an excessively high opinion of one’s appearance, abilities, or worth.
Vengeful - seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury.
Vulgar - lacking sophistication or good taste; unrefined,
Weak-willed - lacking the ability to resist influence or to restrain one’s own impulses; irresolute.
tagged by @east--moon
Don’t you just take the past and put it in a room in a basement and lock the door and never go in there? That’s what I do. And then you meet someone special and all you want to do is to toss them the key and say, “Open up, step inside,” but you can’t because it’s dark. There’s demons, and if anybody saw how ugly it is… I keep wanting to do that: fling the door open, just let the light in and clean everything out.
Tom Ripley (via themindmovement)
ANNABEL LEE
--- say, answer me this. this is a serious question and i want you to fully understand my concern over why do male in 18th century so dramatic as if you don't respond to their marriage proposal by next winter they are going to enlist in the war and die. i mean, that’s romantic but go perish then
--- and another one, i just happened to remember about the play shakespeare made. how is it the villains always the same, if i may to show you a quick example: today i will be causing problems. ON PURPOSE. and look what we have here? the heros always did the same thing.
--- conclusion: man is a miserable little pile of problems.
ANNABEL LEE
--- (read) --- (read) --- (read)
--- sre go ahead --- thedoor is unclosed --- “unlocked”
ANNABEL LEE
--- rise and shine, annabel lee. would you mind if i steal your time a bit and take you with me to the beach by the sea this morning?
ANNABEL LEE
--- stay. --- please.
from: 🐰 🧦 🕰️ 💡 / @baudellare goofy, half-asleep, early morning, scared text
' i had a dream that i got everything i wanted. not what'd you think. and if i'm being honest , it might've been a nightmare to anyone who might care. thought i could fly , so i stepped off the golden. '
feeling has always been a selfish thing. self indulgence, self reflection, but here’s an instance of self reminder: every decisions contained a domino effect. one you’ve decided to push a piece of it then everything will come down in its order. men took and give and forget that everything that come to them is a simple act of what they did. you brave enough to make a decision means you are brave enough to take the consequences.
much like what they did and how funny this is.
look at what they’ve become.
“they say growing thick skin is a good thing,” yes, that, but they forget to tell you at a certain point nothing can get in. marion realised that and his words aren’t sharp enough and neither is the world –not anymore, their lives were pretty shitty as if its meant to trained the young cubs to face the world in this age and time. nothing is scary anymore at this point, or what its suppose to be.
“i don’t know what happened,” he says, pausing for a minute; how it seems it is something that marion did quite a lot. searching for the right words.
“but i didn’t know you want to be whole so badly.” he places a single cigarette between his lips, doesn’t take long for him to lit it. the smoke become part of what he is, and part of what they are –something intangible. really, what are they? friends?
“didn’t know you –or everyone else, evie aside –bless her poor, unfortunate soul. didn’t know you and everyone could feel this way, blow so far apart that the thought of fusing back together feels more like a dream.”
“you are just overcomplicating it. like you tried to say something about you over and over and it felt like words were in the way of your feelings. call me insensitive prick but just fucking tell what you feel and let it out. to be honest, what happened just now – or technically speaking few days ago – didn’t leave a good taste in my mouth, and i’m pretty sure we don’t want it to happened again.”
“just, i don’t know, talk. what’s so hard about it? what is it that you and bambi share this same stupid quirks? evie too.”
even this whole thing doesn’t leave a good taste in him, he is the one who barely talk about himself while everyone is being half open and half naked about themselves but really, in all honesty he doesn’t want another incident happened again. this whole thing is stressful enough and everyone is trying to cope up.
maybe, he is too, desperate for peace.
don’t mind me, i love it when my heart is breaking / @fockbambi cont’d.
everything breaks fast like glass. with each heartbeat comes a chance of pain and the truth of it is, we all have to feel. perhaps, the other broken boy is too, he doesn’t remember the last day he was okay. bambi clearly doesn’t look okay. he thinks that he is suppose to, you know, be present at times like this but life have another plan. sometimes he wondered who to blame because he simply can’t blame time, nor fate nor the world. it is hard to say something when there isn’t anyone at fault.
marion is no one and everyone at the same time and god, he never meant to hurt anyone nor to love anyone (but he did, once, and he hurt himself at the end. love isn’t something for someone like him; he guessed and still wondering).
“it’s the truth” is what he wanted to say but unable to, dropping the words is the best option. his lips are still closed --prim and proper. eyes still as blue as his whole being, as everyone’s whole being after evie died; to be honest, he doesn’t know what to feel about the passing event. clean slate is what he is -- too hard headed to break and too cold to stay (perhaps that was why he left them all first. kiss them goodbye without telling. poof--just like that yet he came back poof like a curse)
something within him is burning and that is not because the cigarette between his lips. it’s the burning guilt of whatever the fuck happened to him that he simply cannot understand. guilt but he refused to believe so. he says “yeah, you were and still is such a little bitch.” in the middle of him taking a long drag and filled his lungs with nothing but toxic cloud and let out one. “we are all good at running away --you, especially, is remarkable.”
“in a not offensive way, of course, bambi -- i wouldn’t dare to hurt your feeling and what? got sued for breaking your heart and shit?” he half joking, he understand completely that the others can do anything with his money. even the stupidest things. “but sometimes running away is the safest option. wouldn’t blame you for choosing so.” life is hard enough already. do whatever you think suits best for you to cope. find your solace even in the dirtiest slump.
“being a coward is not something to be embarrassed about.”
pepsi tasted like shit in his throat that he frowns upon it. placing it on ---a surface of something near within his reach, he couldn’t pinpoint what it is, obviously it is something that occupy the back of his mind, the least of his attention and priority.
he laughs at the words that remind him of maybe some things stay stagnant, stay the same --and that is how pitiful bambi is in his eyes. it’s like everything is too hard to fight anymore and he just wanted to say that maybe this is just what it is. life sucks and they couldn’t do anything about it. perhaps there is nothing deeper, nothing more vital than what’s already been done, or said, or whatever the fuck happened to them.
he won’t let any specks of sadness creeping out his eyes, too. none of this feeling worth to be reveal upon, he is not bambi. so marion laughs yet again, so marion take a long drag of his cigarette yet again. avoiding everything, because he is good at avoiding things.
“like you are in to grandmas now? i understand your -- odd liking on things but i never know it was to this extend. but sure, who am i to judge people that i care of?”
the last words got him choked up.
see, it is easy to appear unbreakable, only if that means nothing to him. bambi? he meant the world to him, he meant so much that his silences are now different. he never know that his hand that hold his cigarette can tremble like this.
“yeah,” he says.
“yeah.” he repeats.
it’s a promise.
“Talent is so fragile and so rare. And our culture does everything to crush it. I mean even at four or five, they’re coming into school attached to their phones, talking only about TV shows and video games. It’s a materialistic culture, and it doesn’t support art, or language, or observation. You know, you think maybe it’s just a phase. But I worry that it’s something larger. A lack of curiosity. A lack of reflection. No one has space for poetry.”
All the feeling was all or nothing.
To: @disconnectng CC: [email protected] Subject: Merry Christmas
Dearest Minhee Shim,
Just a little longer, and it will be Christmas. Last year was no good, the weather made it impossible to see the sky, but hopefully I can see the Milky Way this year.
It’s been a while. I’ve got things to tell you this year too.
First, I’m moving along just fine. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought. Avoiding luxury, and greed, avoiding to become a person I -- we -- despise the most back in a day while working earnestly, to be even the slightest bit of help to other. When I see those around me smiling, I feel very relieved. Since I don’t have work tomorrow, maybe I’ll go out somewhere. If I did have something I could call a worry, it’s the fact that I might have disappoint everyone back at home -- I can’t help but to think how much Bambi might feel betrayed with the sudden decision I made back then, everyone too, not only Bambi.
I’m not trying to pick or play favoritism, it’s just perhaps he isn’t the one that show what he really want and need time to be understood. Of course, I do think everyone is as much important as Bambi to me but in all honesty, I am far of what you think of me. What you are all think of me.
I’m fine being by myself. That’s the only selfish desire of mine. Call it being a coward, a betrayal -- Yes, I did break our promises but forever is intangible concept. Sooner than later, you will see that not everything you have will stay and there will be time to say good bye.
Anyway, It’s very peaceful now. Like perhaps, the life of a ghost. Carefree and without worry, I naturally let the wind take me forwards when it blows. Exactly where I’m headed to is no real concern of mine and I am not going to apologise for the decision I’ve made. There are times when I look back to my childhood or the few months before I left, those months spend with you and the rest of the gang but trying to put such fragmented and vague feelings into words is almost impossible.
Pathetic, is it not?
I’ve been thinking about whether or not we really saw that Milky Way. During that one time in our childhood. Could it be that we saw was just glorified by our imagination? That’s what I wonder these days. How was everyone doing? Are they finally found the answer they’ve been looking for?
How are you? Have you been good? Life treating you good? I hope it does. You are a good person after all.
Best Regards,
Marion Muller.
P.S. Don’t forget to wear something warm, the weather is getting colder.
The only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet.
Nikos Kazantzakis
"This is the worthwhile fight."
( not accepting. )
“ don’t say that…sounds freaky. ”
bambi didn’t quite mean it. he wished he could talk to marion all night, tell him all about the snacks and clothes he stole and how he so swiftly eluded the employees. or whip out the ol’ broken recorder and have the older listen through a cracked sound the new tunes bambi came up with. ( and then get frustrated at the stuttering audio, smack the machine and get embarrassed about how badly it made his songs sound ). “ don’t know why i called you. ” a glimpse of a cockney accent made its way through bambi’s words– as he usually spoke around marion.
marion reminded him of… fist fights over which group of kids gets to play at the park, of sticking your tongue on a frozen pole, of insulting other people’s mums, and of pulling down the pants of the cop that roams around your neighborhood, but really just uses that as an excuse to creep on teen girls. marion reminded bambi of home. too bad all bambi wanted as a child was to run away from it. “ you know i’ve never been good at fighting. ”
he wasn’t lying. sure, he boasted a lot about cracking skulls and breaking bones, but never without having his own body turned to dust first. every other week he’d appear with a busted lip, a swollen cheek, a black eye, homemade bandaging around broken knuckles, taped gauze on minor stab wounds, and everything in-between. bambi was lucky he didn’t lose any front teeth; he wouldn’t have had this level of fame without his good looks. although maybe that would have saved him from…everything that came during his stardom, quite literally.
this is why he should’ve stayed in contact with marion.
“ i’m tired, mama. ” nicknames were bambi’s strong suit, obviously. “ i’m a fuckin’ billionaire. why does my brain still hurt? my bones, too. my blood, i can feel it, you know. my body hates me. m'trying so hard to fight it, can’t win, mama. ” bambi would hand marion a gun and point it at his own forehead if he could. it’s not that he wanted to die, it’s that he didn’t want to exist anymore. or at least for a few weeks. long enough to reset his whole life. just do it all over again– he would.
bambi pulled a pepsi bottle out of jacket sleeve– extremely oversized, he was basically dissipating in it– and took a chug of the mysterious liquid inside of it. he, just as quickly, spat it out, followed by a subtle gag. “ you know what’s funny ma-marion? ” he handed the bottle to the older, “ i can’t stand drinking this fucking shit. and i’m an alcoholic. ” bambi opened up so easily, so freely, and he wasn’t embarrassed one bit. he thought it made him cool, and that’s all he wanted to be in marion’s eyes. all of his validation came from the older boy, but bambi couldn’t admit how clingy for his attention he was. “ when i die, ” he started so suddenly, eyes swimming in the other’s, “ hire strippers at my funeral. the older ladies with the tits hanging over their knees, i quite enjoy them. make sure you pay them well. ” and that’s all he could say, as he took another sip of the motor oil-like drink in his bottle. a grimace ensued. “ fuck. ”
“ and don’t forget about me. please. ”
